Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

South of France = very nice indeed @BelladiMamma Hopefully back to 99.9% social normality as well which will make a difference for dating

Thanks for the new thread, nice to read everyone's updates!
I'm hoping for some input on my current dating situation. So I've kept seeing Mr Grey, who I mentioned before was pretty over the top with communication at the start, sending many messages, pictures etc every day, phone calls in the eve etc. Then went a bit quieter, which made me worried.

Now things have progressed to where we have spent a few nights together, DTD, even made vague plans to go away for a few nights later this summer. The thing is that we don't live near each other and both have DC's, so it's effective a long distance thing. We've been meeting roughly every two weeks, as that's all that's been possible. He is loving and caring when I see him.

All good except for that he has now gone in the total opposite direction in terms of communication! Some days I don't get a single text from him, or he'll send one that doesn't contain a question, i.e "Good morning, I hope you have a lovely day x". He takes hours to respond to texts, sometimes overnight, and we never really get in to a back and fort chat (or speak on the phone) in the evenings anymore.

Last time I saw him we'd barely spoken in the past two weeks, and that fuzzy loving feeling I'd had after our previous meet had pretty disappeared by the time I saw him. I mentioned this very casually, saying I feel like we've barely spoken recently and that I had felt a little disconnected from him. He simply responded something along the lines of "Oh we both have a lot going on and have our own lives".

Now I can't figure out if I am being needy here, but I would think that in a long distance relationship you need to stay in touch in between visits to keep the connection and the spark going? It feels a bit like he thinks he doesn't need to make that effort anymore as he's "got me" now. Obviously don't want him to text/call me out of obligation either. But part of me feels like a visit once a fortnight and minimal contact in between is more FWB than a budding relationship. I want someone to share things that are going on, who takes an interest in my life, checks in on me, you know? And how will it ever progress anywhere at this rate?

What do you all think?? Am I being needy/pushy here?

Gosh, that was long!!! Sorry....!

@HopefulDoubtful

I'm not the expert here as I'm not a big messager - have you tried suggesting phone calls or video dates?

I agree it's frustrating when they put in all that effort to initially "chase" and then completely detach and expect you to do all the work, it's like "wtf".

I sort of "mirror effort back" then all of a sudden they pull back.

So no solutions but sympathy/empathy. I guess like most things it's just working out how comfortable you yourself feel with the situation and if it's a dealbreaker for you.

[quote libertybonds]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thanks! Good luck with your iron.

@BelladiMamma sorry that you have experienced this ending - but good on you for recognising it's time to move on. Personally, I don't think much of a man who expects a woman to take hormone-altering drugs for his own comfort.[/quote]
@libertybonds 🙂❤️

I’m very new to this! I also just had my first video call and I have concluded that there is too much potential for drama with this one. Shame as he was cute.

@HopefulDoubtful, I don’t think it’s needy to want to be in regular contact with someone who you consider yourself to be in a relationship with. His behaviour in the early stages sounds like the initial flurry of excitement and adrenalin having found someone that you know you fancy and are keen to get to know. Maybe now the newness has gone and the routine of fortnightly visits/dates has been established he doesn’t feel the need to pursue you quite so vehemently. Are you having any doubts about him ? Sometimes until you have experienced what it means to be seeing someone it’s difficult to decide what works for you. I am pretty sure I would struggle with only seeing my iron once a fortnight if we weren’t chatting lots in between. Others will say that they are perfectly happy with less chat as long as the in person dates are really good. At one point a while back on here someone suggested a ‘ wait and see’ period where you decide to go with it and not push the conversation about ‘what are we ? How do you feel about me ? ‘ etc but instead see if things move in a direction you are happy with or whether no, you come to realise that the lack of chat in between dates/longer distance is not what you want.

Whoa! Holy shit! Someone on a site I’m on hasn’t actually subscribed and has messaged me to ask for me to pay for it, if I’m interested in him!

LMAO!

@HopefulDoubtful absolutely not being unreasonable in expecting regular contact, especially if it's a long distance relationship. I'd say it's way more important then actually, as it's your only way of maintaining a connection. One of the reasons I couldn't personally have a long distance thing because I wouldn't be able to stay interested in someone I don't see often, I need that physical contact! In my experience, people make time for the things they want to do, no matter how busy they are.

@Shuffleuplove 😂😂 I'm assuming you didn't take him up on his very kind offer?

@Shuffleuplove

Whoa! Holy shit! Someone on a site I’m on hasn’t actually subscribed and has messaged me to ask for me to pay for it, if I’m interested in him!

LMAO!

Always good to have an easy decision. Back into the sea of twats he goes ...

@SpringlikeBunk

South of France = very nice indeed *@BelladiMamma* Hopefully back to 99.9% social normality as well which will make a difference for dating

Nice and hot and sultry to suit my entire family's grumpy French personalities so we can all go around huffing and puffing mad shrugging and pouting and saying 'zut alors il fait trop chaud'

Hi checking in.
@HopefulDoubtful I had a very similar experience. For me it wasn't enough, it did not feel a caring relationship, I was just convenient to him, but worth no extra effort. I too would not do long distance again. But it's obviously about what you are happy with. It's not needy to want to know you are becoming an important part of someone's life and vice versa.
@Shuffleuplove that's a new one! CF!

So currently I've got sick of the apps, I think I must sit on some sort of leyline confluence of shit men...I live in the sticks, but even if I look at the nearest ie under an hour towns and city it still a pants choice.
So I followed recommendations on here to pop on FAB for a shag. Its eye opening. Just how do you decide who to choose?? No pictures up, so I'm not bigging myself up here, and my inbox has been flooded. I'm cutting out those too far, those who love themselves a bit too much (and their prize cock), married men and I'm a bit worried about those with 30 certifications ie STDs? How does anyone else decide? I'm also a bit nervous. Worried I'll fall for a FWB though if i do that I'll stop seeing them. Worried I'll make an idiot of myself if anyone local found out (small town!) And worried I'll freeze up. But I'm so fed up of being celebate, it's been 9 sodding years (minus 6 months wasted with ex and his floppy willy, always remember on here someone saying...like a stuffing a marshmallow in a post box...)...no relationship in sight!

Just checking in. I hope everyone has had a good weekend.

I haven't had any messages this weekend from Mr Spontaneous this weekend. I might do a midweek check in and then one next week to see if we are still meeting on the 17th.
There are a few amber flags and inconsistentcies with his work. Looked him up on LinkedIn and his last contract ended in December but he said he was on a years contract coming up for renewal.
I don't know if I should do a check in as I was the last to text and I don't want to be the only one initiating contract. Part of me says text and the other part say wait and if you make other plans then it's his loss. I'm not taking a low effort and last minute date.
There are hopefully other men who would make the effort with messaging and making firm plans.

Thank you all for your responses and input. It's so frustrating as this is the first guy I've liked in a long time and he does seem to really like me too when I see him, and tells me he does. But it's hard to spend a bit of time together being all lovey, to then be expected to simply put that all away in a box for two weeks, expecting to be able to open the box and for all the feelings to still be there. It doesn't work for me to switch it on and off like that.

I am finding myself wanting to swipe on the apps again, which I am guessing means my needs are not being met by him, as I am naturally someone who is tends to only date/speak to one person at a time. But one date every fortnight and not much in between isn't really fulfilling my needs for intimacy and affection...

Guess I could keep things casual and try to go back to dating multiple people again.

I'm on holiday in England, so no updates from me other than I'm really missing Mr HT.

I'm meeting Mr Cricket for lunch on Thursday, he has been so kind to me since it happened. He has checked on me and my other cat daily. I don't know whether it means anything or whether he is just a genuinely nice guy but when my heart was breaking he was there checking I'm okay.

Some nice chats going on.

Really must stick to the "brutal screening" thing - the meets/chats I've had where I haven't have drained me, and I'm just too old/tired/busy to do it now without struggling? So any hint of weirdness, eliminate or unmatch.

@MrsDevery My way of whittling messages down was to start off with the marrieds and discard those, I would also discard those who couldn't accomodate unless their bio said the reason and it was believable.
Then I'd look at their photos - any public photos of them having sex with other people were also discarded. We're all on the site for sex, we don't need the photos to prove it plus I have concerns around consent.
I'd then look at their options - if they still hsd the age range set to 18 to 99 they would be discarded, its laziness not to update the age range.
I also discarded anyone who met TV or TS but claimed they were straight.

I discarded those who had no bio or one that said 'will fill in later' or 'ask me'.

I also discarded those who had those stupid journalist statements.

From that you're probably left with only a handful, I always asked for a face photo and if they refused they were discarded.

If I liked their bio and what they looked like I would start chatting and if they coukd converse well I may consider meeting them.

As for STDs you should be using condoms although I appreciate that doesnt help with everything.

Too many verifications might put me off but 0 verifications also put me off.
Have you read the verifications?
Some people go to lots of clubs and chat to people so they might have 30 verifications but most were about how nice it was to meet them at an event and chat, no mention of sex.

Always have a social first, I think Spring had some Fab socials recently and they didnt work out which shows how important a social is

@MrsDevery

What @SortingItOut said

Also just take your time - I think like any site there's "pushy types" who will try to swoop in on newbies tell you what to do. But give it a month or so.

Have in mind what you're comfortable with and stick to it, there's so many guys there?

Two guys I initially was in contact with were pushing for phone number exchange/photo exchange/heavily hinting they wanted to skip the social meet step. I think they targeted me as I was a newbie - I just blocked/stopped chatting.

One guy I've been chatting to (works away in a similar profession to my ex so know he's "probably" not bullshitting) has suggested "meeting for a drink this week".

Just like a normal date, except we've both said lightly we aren't looking for "serious" due to moving and hinted at "needs being met".

If he starts being pushy I'll just not reply.

Yeh and my only social meet was "ok but a bit dodgy" - guy was attractive but had lied about his living situation/location.

End of the day it just cost him a few drinks and me a couple hours but it's like any of the apps with the weirdos and having to screen etc.

How do you “brutally screen”? I am brand new to this!

I’ve been ignoring anyone with a wide age range, or specifically looking for someone slim, or if they’re shorter than me, or if I suspect that we might not be intellectually on the same wave length.

Checking in 😊

Hmmm so I've had a couple of matches which I'm honestly shocked at for many reasons!

2 have even responded to my messages which is even more incredible 😂 One of them I'm getting on really well with so far, conversation is flowing really nicely which is a good sign. Not 100% if he's my type physically but I find if I like someone's personality that makes up for a lot. Feels too soon to give him a nickname though 😆

I also took the initiative and messaged a guy on Facebook who was selling an item I'm genuinely interested in buying although it was a very convenient excuse to strike up a conversation. I recognised him from the dating apps but haven't seen him on there for a while. He's very attractive but maybe a little bit quiet, he's been quite chatty so far though so we shall see 😊

Yo @RamonaLark and everyone I've missed I think our thread is growing fast!

@Shuffleuplove

I think it's different for everyone personally?

It's striking that balance between "not waiting too long to meet" and not feeling 100% comfortable with the pace of meeting.

I know myself I've had a few "rushed meets" where I was "giving them a chance" and maybe should pace them a bit better - if they seem like "ok but not sure" I should err on the side of caution and not meet.

Plus I don't have the energy for bad last minute drunken meets like I did in my 20's!

The thing is I know I'm a bit lonely/needy (want some cock) but I don't have a "deadline" to meet guys so no rush