Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shuffleuplove I agree with @VanGoghsDog if he did actually say he's gagging for a shag - unless in the context of a swapping of jokes or very clear that you don't have to agree. If he straight up told you it would give me the ick. MrBeard has taken 3 months to tell me he fancies me, but was clear he wanted to meet from when we started chatting

what's an iron? I understand it in context of course but what's the logic behind the term? And why do people talk about date 0??

Iron comes from "irons in the fire", so things on the go.

Date zero is a concept of the first time you meet not being a "real" date, just a chance to check each other out. It helps reduce nerves if you don't think of it as a full on date. And keep it light, just a walk, drink or coffee.

I never know if the next one is date one or two though!

Gosh, so much chat on here to catch up on! Sorry not to do individual call-outs, I think I've missed updates from every single member of this thread. Hi to new joiners too.

Well I've had an eye opener. So far I was only using Bumble and Hinge but as an over 50 woman, was scarcely getting matches. So I bit the bullet and went on Tinder. Mamma mia it's brutal on there isn't it?

At least there's been more obvious 'likes' and a few matches so far but yeah some of them don't mess around with why they're on there, do they? And quel surpris Mr Sex on Legs the player from a couple of weeks ago also on there.

Anyway, hoping this opens up a few more options even if there are plenty more tossers to see along the way. Especially as I have a feeling things with Mr DJ are going to fizzle out before they got a chance to start.

I wish i had been this way with MrS but the less i heard the more i felt like i 'needed' to see him. Wasn't in a good place at all but in hind-sight the whole experience with him was the kick i needed to gain control back of my emotions and not have them be reliant on someone else (and their texting/contact with me). Not that i am implying you are doing this as you seem to be going the opposite way which in my opinion is far far healthier. But if a date night was to fall through with him how upset would you be? If you were to leave it and not message for a week would he get in touch do you think?

@Naimee87 things are going really well with Mr D thank you. He's really relaxed about everything and it puts my overthinking completely at ease. Mr O behaved similarly in the early days, in that he made it clear he liked me, but with hindsight it was quite lovebomby and I think it was @BelladiMamma that said the constant messaging and calling felt intrusive. Mr D has communication pitched just right for me. Sounds like an intense conversation with Mr Elf, do you feel better having had it? Pancakes 😋
Really interesting thought here from @Misty9:
Ideally I want it all - a relationship where we see each other all the time. But that would have to be the father of my dc, and that ship has sailed. So I'm not quite sure what the alternative looks like for me
I felt similar and to an extent I still do, but I feel more optimistic about the future with Mr D in it. I'm so very wary about letting anyone be involved with my dc, but I know that at some point, if it feels right, that will be a leap of faith that I'll have to take. I feel much more confident about it with Mr D than I did with Mr O; maybe it's just a case of meeting the right person? I didn't like Mr O being in contact with dc, just a gut feeling. Although I'm miles off any introductions!
I'm not sure I've articulated that very well but this is becoming an essay!

@VanGoghsDog he didn’t say “I’m gagging for a shag” so maybe I’m being a bit harsh, he was all “I’m lying on the bed half dressed but I’m not telling you which half” etc. I suppose it was flirting maybe?

I woke up feeling anxious about it. He also said last night on the phone that I would be “good at telesales” which, without getting up myself about jobs, made me pull a face as actually my career is way more advanced but he wouldn’t know that because he didn’t ask.

I think I might have early ick.

And, he also said that since he’s been chatting to me that he isn’t speaking to anyone else on the site and yet he said that he had checked when I was showing online and that it’s all the time - I think I was supposed to say “I’m not chatting to anyone else either.” It’s the odd feeling of being set up to say particular things...

@flipperdoda I always get really excited too and have to force myself to keep swiping or chatting to others.

In the past I've matched their eagerness and not bothered with others at the same time but been left really hurt. I learned that even after a 6 hour conversation (plus other convos) where they've been mega keen they don't necessarily respect you enough to communicate properly if things change.

So not I'm wary of giving them too much time upfront. And in the book why men love bitches she says to always end the call first so I'm trying that next 😅.

Rematched with a couple of old irons, one is dating material I hope, one is prob just for a shag...lets see..

And old iron I binned off because he was annoying and boundary pushing messaged out of the blue 'hello' and I was bored (and still think he's gorgeous) so chatted for a bit and I said let's go for a drink and he said yes but then soon after gave me the brush off saying he didn't know when he was free and he didn't want another argument with me... Why bother messaging then you weirdo. Next time he "wonders how I am" he can shove it.

[quote Shuffleuplove]@VanGoghsDog he didn’t say “I’m gagging for a shag” so maybe I’m being a bit harsh, he was all “I’m lying on the bed half dressed but I’m not telling you which half” etc. I suppose it was flirting maybe?

I woke up feeling anxious about it. He also said last night on the phone that I would be “good at telesales” which, without getting up myself about jobs, made me pull a face as actually my career is way more advanced but he wouldn’t know that because he didn’t ask.

I think I might have early ick.[/quote]
Oh, I'd say that lying on the bed thing! It certainly wouldn't translate as gagging for a shag, just mild flirtation.

Re the telephone sales comment, probably just a comment on your voice and friendliness on the phone but I'd be very miffed if someone didn't even ask me what I do and disrespected my career.

(Decorator says that other than him I'm the most intellectual person he knows - I'm clearly way out of his league!!)

I avoid the "who else are you chatting to" convo as it just leads people to feel they have to lie. I don't know about people being online, I've never even thought to check that, but if I felt someone was checking up on me in any way at all I'd move on.

On balance, he sounds like a non starter.

Jeez, you ladies are brutal with your comments…, no holding back

I’ve had my profile up for a little while now (to test the water so to speak) and had a few likes but nothing too exciting so far, probably someone on here saying “saw this bloke, looked like a right boring old fart… “…😢

@Shuffleuplove that last comment would be raising red flags for me! Everything combined would be a ‘toss back’

I want to be more like you @Naimee87 not afraid to confront the issues head on and have the awkward chats. Sound like you are having a lovely time with Mr Elf- long may it continue!

Yes I didn’t want the “who you chatting to” convo either but he was v insistent on telling me how HE isn’t bothering with anyone else. I don’t believe a word of it. It felt a bit love-bomby.

@JustAnotherOldMan I think for most of us (certainly for me) this thread is our safe space to dissect all things dating that we can’t or don’t wish to discuss with our friends. It probably does come across as brutal when it is mainly women discussing men. We need a few more men on here to give balance

@Shuffleuplove "early ick"

@JustAnotherOldMan I expect it can sound a bit brutal on here! I'd be interested in a man's perspective on the issue I posted about...?

@Naimee87 it's funny you mention a week as that's how long he said I could not message for before he'd wonder I didn't message yesterday (since the previous evening) and he messaged me at teatime. How would I feel if a date fell through? Well, I postponed seeing him the last two nights... Hmm, not a great sign is it?! In my defence, I've had my dc and been unwell.

With the whole blending thing, I'd always thought flat no, I wouldn't take the risk of it ending and the resulting impact on dc. But with him I started to wonder for the first time. Clearly my head is confused!

@Shuffleuplove I agree with pp that, combined, those don't sound like a promising start...

I think the blending thing might be the downfall of me and MrHair in the long run. It seems clear that despite knowing my feelings on it (I have no intention of doing it) he still makes references that make me think that that is ultimately what he's after so I guess we'll see how long this lasts.

@Slothmomma

I think the blending thing might be the downfall of me and MrHair in the long run. It seems clear that despite knowing my feelings on it (I have no intention of doing it) he still makes references that make me think that that is ultimately what he's after so I guess we'll see how long this lasts.

That is the hill on which MrBear and I died. Given we'd only known each other a few weeks, it was way too soon IMO.

I haven't had one situation ship since my separation that makes me feel I would stick it out or risk my children's and my hard won equilibrium.

And I'm also better off financially than most I meet. I had a very lucrative career back in the day, from zero as a child, including stints in insecure accommodation with my hard working single parent, and I am not about to risk losing it all again.

If somebody wants to talk about building a life with me and actually be a grown up about the conversation, not just repeat ad nauseam that they love me & I've 'got lots on my plate', then I'm totally up for that conversation. I'd respect them way more and it might lead to something.

My ex on the other hand, has gone straight for the 'built in nanny and housekeeper' option by moving his gf in 6 weeks after meeting her. She was unemployed at the time, but has great legs. And is 15 years younger than him.

I think he's mad. And she probably doesn't know that I own the house they share together (or at least I will until September when he gets it as part of our settlement). He's got himself into a situation where he's immediately got a new dependent who could arguably stake some claim on the house they're in. Utterly bananas 🍌 on that basis alone even before we consider the impact on the DC's.

@JustAnotherOldMan I agree, it would be good to hear your perspective on things. I remember thinking it was a bit brutal in here when I first started lurking and then, once I'd had a swim amongst the sea of tears and twats that is OLD, I realised that it was a fairly realistic way of looking at things 😁

You tend to find you don't post or lurk here when you're going steady with someone. It's when you're back in the apps that it's really useful!

Good luck with your chats and your swiping 🍀

@Misty9
If you mean from yesterday at 16:50,
The “Happy with whatever I’m offering “ comment sounds like a “I like you and having sex with you comment’, (which is probably a good thing, right?), not sure about “won’t give up”, unsure of the context.

Re Communication,
Personally I like “light” communication (if that’s a thing), I find sending constant messages a bit much, couple a day is fine (for me), but appreciate that some people like more than that, but I wouldn’t wait for a day or 2 to respond to something that sounds a bit rude

Do that help ?

[quote JustAnotherOldMan]@Misty9
If you mean from yesterday at 16:50,
The “Happy with whatever I’m offering “ comment sounds like a “I like you and having sex with you comment’, (which is probably a good thing, right?), not sure about “won’t give up”, unsure of the context.

Re Communication,
Personally I like “light” communication (if that’s a thing), I find sending constant messages a bit much, couple a day is fine (for me), but appreciate that some people like more than that, but I wouldn’t wait for a day or 2 to respond to something that sounds a bit rude

Do that help ?[/quote]
It's always interesting to hear other people's perspectives, so thank you. I agree it's probably "I like having sex with you" and it is a good thing, especially after a pretty much sexless marriage! As for the communication, I'd be happy with one or two messages to show I'm being thought of. It's tricky because my job is variable in terms of time to sit and message people. Like today, for example, I'm really bored and demotivated! I messaged my friend and not him though. As I haven't heard from him I do think I then move to rejecting before being rejected mode. But I also know his job is full on and manual, so he really doesn't look at his phone.

Oh, and won't give up on you was a comment after we had a bit of a strange time with miscommunication, and I reacted by pushing him away.

@Slothmomma does Mr Hair have DC? I think it's even more tricky when both parties have kids to consider.
@BelladiMamma I can completely understand that you want to (and should!) protect your equilibrium. I feel quite similar, I've got a decent groove going now and certainly don't "need" anyone to add to it. I'm wary of (and v rarely!) introducing partners to my friends & family, never mind DC! But it'd be nice not to have such a split life sometimes?

[quote Heartbeats0708]@Slothmomma does Mr Hair have DC? I think it's even more tricky when both parties have kids to consider.
@BelladiMamma I can completely understand that you want to (and should!) protect your equilibrium. I feel quite similar, I've got a decent groove going now and certainly don't "need" anyone to add to it. I'm wary of (and v rarely!) introducing partners to my friends & family, never mind DC! But it'd be nice not to have such a split life sometimes?[/quote]
Yes, if I thought I could trust someone to really just go with the flow and not all 'blended' or cocklodger on me, I'd be really happy. Someone who's got their own life but when we go out, could maybe like me up from the house or better still at the weekend spend the day gardening with me, would be bliss!

@Heartbeats0708 yes he has kids too but he has previously introduced his to a previous partner whereas I haven't. I have no wish to be any sort of step parent type figure and don't need a dad for mine so don't intend to ever do the blended thing