Very awkward and sensitive situation - WWYD?

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Going to be a bit sketchy on detail here as I don't want to out anyone involved. Sorry if it's hard to follow. It's super awkard.

Two couples have been fairly good friends for a number of years. Both couples have been together for a very long time and have children. They met through work and have other mutual friends in the same industry.

They don't get together often as both couples have moved to different areas a long way apart but they do try to meet up when they can.

However, one half of each couple often still see one another through work. They frequently work away from home and are sometimes on the same contracts/projects, at the same conferences etc. When that happens they socialise, not on their own but with other mutual friends in the same business. This is the case at the moment.

So last night, after a long, boozy night out that went from dinner and then onto a bar, the two people in question found themselves alone at the table while the others had gone off the loo/for a smoke/whatever. Out of the blue, one of them kissed the other. They leaned over, put their hands either side of this person's face and went in for a full on-the-lips snog.

The Kissee was shocked and pushed the Kisser away, but tried to make light of it due to the Kisser being very drunk. The Kissee is adamant that at no point did they give off any signals to indicate they might want to be kissed.

The others then came back to the table and they all put the very drunk Kisser into a cab home before going home themselves. The Kissee thinks that the others didn't see anything, but doesn't know for sure. The Kissee hopes they didn't see because they all know one another's partners and children, and it's just really awkward.

The Kissee thought that would be the end of it. Tried to rationalise the whole thing by telling themselves the Kisser was so drunk they didn't know what they were doing, or that they'd meant to kiss them on the cheek and missed or something, (although deep down they don't really believe that) and that the Kisser wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

This morning at 7am the Kissee gets a text from the Kisser with this message:

God I am so hungover. I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail.'

WTF are you supposed to say to that? They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court to decide whether to mention it or not.

What would you say/do if you were the Kissee? And what would you think if you were the Kissee's partner?

They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court.

@YouJustFoldItIn As PP's have said, no-one can be sure of that. I've had it happen that I knew 'something' of some kind happened while I was pissed but I can't remember what it was. Or he could be trying to play down what he did, or is embarrassed etc etc.

So that's that I suppose. 8 years of friendship probably about to go down the drain.

That's catastrophizing. Sometimes weird or unpleasant things happen for a moment in a friendship that it takes someone a while to get their head around/puts someone off a bit, but eventually things often go back to normal. Obviously that's upto your DH, but you needn't assume this is definitely the end.

I suggest your DH discusses it with the person, to clear the air and lay it to rest.

I have been super drunk and done totally bizarre, out of character, and unexplainable things in the past - people always say 'the truth comes out when you're drunk' but in my experience it REALLY doesn't - a bunch of nonsense does! I don't think the kiss necessarily means anything about the person, their feelings for you, or their loyalty as a friend - it could simply mean nothing more than that they were very, very drunk. There's also a very strong chance that, if that drunk, they either don't remember what happened, have a hazy memory but aren't sure if it actually happened, don't remember but have a feeling that something bad happened involving you, or just have no clue. If they're you're friend, just tell them so they can apologise and you can all move on from it.

Just read the the kisser and kissee are both men. I can't even count the number of times that, throughout my life, when at a very boozy event, a heterosexual male friend of mine has snogged another heterosexual male friend in a way that we all thought was just a joke/in an 'i love you mate' way. I don't think anyone ever gave it a second thought, maybe just a little laugh or an "awww" and then got on with the night. Unless you seriously suspect he's secretely gay, i would just assume he was drunk and having a laugh. I'd honestly not consider it sensitive or awkward at all if this happened to my husband, probably think it was funny, and of course I'd tell my husband to reply in a jokey way about it! This honestly wouldn't even register to me as an issue if both parties were heterosexual men who were very good friends and very drunk.

Oh how I hate this line of reasoning. It wasn’t a woman, despite your misleading OP.

My OP wasn't misleading in the slightest. It was deliberately kept very neutral for good reason. Nothing was suggested or hinted at by me in terms of the sexes of anyone involved.

If your mind went straight to a scenario where there was at least one woman involved or that the kisser was a man and the kissee was me (a woman) then that's your issue.

Hawkehurstgang yes he does have other good friends, certainly closer to him than my DH is. They are mates but not best friends by any means. I don't think my DH is comfortable with having that discussion and I don't think the Kisser would be either. We are going to leave it.

@hawkehurstgang
Just read the the kisser and kissee are both men. I can't even count the number of times that, throughout my life, when at a very boozy event, a heterosexual male friend of mine has snogged another heterosexual male friend in a way that we all thought was just a joke/in an 'i love you mate' way. I don't think anyone ever gave it a second thought, maybe just a little laugh or an "awww" and then got on with the night.

But those sounds like situations where there was a whole gang of people as witnesses - yourself for one. The OP's situation sounds quite different as the kisser waited to be alone with her husband. This suggests it wasn't a jokey thing at all.

He leaned over and put his hands on either side of her husbands face and went in for a full snog....

That certainly doesn't read as even vaguely accidental and he remembers it clearly.

@DeRigueurMortis message is a clear response.

I think the fear both your husband and you have over acknowledging what occurred is bizarre.

8 years of friendship probably about to go down the drain.

Well that's your husband's choice if he wants to ditch a longstanding friendship over something he could just as easily laugh off as the meaningless drunken nonsense that it was.

This thread is so insanely over-dramatic. Has no one ever been drunk and done something stupid and out of character before? ffs

OP I am saying your reaction is over the top due to your language and your DH going over and over it all day and now deciding the friendship is over.

It’s such an extreme reaction! No offence, but I feel like this bloke is better off without your friendship. If this was one of my friends who did this to me, or DHs friends who did it to him I wouldn’t end the friendship at all, I’d just move on with life. You’re both being way over the top about a non-event.

‘Absolute shock’, ‘fucking mortified’, ‘totally freaked out’

Come on, you’re both total drama queens hamming up bugger all. I re-read your OP and you said he went in for a kiss, but he may have just wanted to peck him, but you’ve decided it’s definitely a full on ‘snog’ (hideous word). Honestly, you’re behaving like teenagers.

The kisser is a man. He's my friend's husband. The kissee is my husband.

Bloody hell, that puts a bit of a spin on it and changes my original opinion tbh. I'm sure if my DH suddenly tried to snog one of our male friends I would wonder how long he'd been gay/bi and whether he's done it before, and I'd hope the friend would tell me about it.

If it were a close friend of mine, I'd find it a big deal that someone I'd hitherto considered a close platonic friend had romantic notions on me. Of course it would change the fabric of the friendship, if nothing else I'd never feel able to have a few drinks with the person ever again in case the situation repeated itself.

@Shakirasma

I'd be straight with them but not go into detail

Something like "I should think you are hungover, you were wrecked. It doesn't suit you, I'd rather not see you like that again."

I think something like this is good. Makes it clear if kisser remembers that kissee doesn't want to be kissed again.

@SirGawain

I think your making a bigger drama than need be.

This.

It happens. Just reply with ‘You left in quite a state. Have lots of water today.’

Move on.