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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very awkward and sensitive situation - WWYD?

189 replies

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 15:26

Going to be a bit sketchy on detail here as I don't want to out anyone involved. Sorry if it's hard to follow. It's super awkard.

Two couples have been fairly good friends for a number of years. Both couples have been together for a very long time and have children. They met through work and have other mutual friends in the same industry.

They don't get together often as both couples have moved to different areas a long way apart but they do try to meet up when they can.

However, one half of each couple often still see one another through work. They frequently work away from home and are sometimes on the same contracts/projects, at the same conferences etc. When that happens they socialise, not on their own but with other mutual friends in the same business. This is the case at the moment.

So last night, after a long, boozy night out that went from dinner and then onto a bar, the two people in question found themselves alone at the table while the others had gone off the loo/for a smoke/whatever. Out of the blue, one of them kissed the other. They leaned over, put their hands either side of this person's face and went in for a full on-the-lips snog.

The Kissee was shocked and pushed the Kisser away, but tried to make light of it due to the Kisser being very drunk. The Kissee is adamant that at no point did they give off any signals to indicate they might want to be kissed.

The others then came back to the table and they all put the very drunk Kisser into a cab home before going home themselves. The Kissee thinks that the others didn't see anything, but doesn't know for sure. The Kissee hopes they didn't see because they all know one another's partners and children, and it's just really awkward.

The Kissee thought that would be the end of it. Tried to rationalise the whole thing by telling themselves the Kisser was so drunk they didn't know what they were doing, or that they'd meant to kiss them on the cheek and missed or something, (although deep down they don't really believe that) and that the Kisser wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

This morning at 7am the Kissee gets a text from the Kisser with this message:

God I am so hungover. I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail.'

WTF are you supposed to say to that? They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court to decide whether to mention it or not.

What would you say/do if you were the Kissee? And what would you think if you were the Kissee's partner?

OP posts:

diddl · 03/07/2021 19:08

"I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail."

Must be tempting to just to answer the "how I got home bit" as if asking for detail refers only to that.

Play them at their own stupid game.

Why can't they just come clean & apologise?

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 19:30

I do think a drunk person could kiss someone of their own sex; not only do they lose control, they become opportunistic! Somebody I know (yeah I know it sounds as though I've known some risque people but over the years I have met many and am 61), propositioned a couple, man and woman, when drunk, what's more they would have been up for it (!) but she ended up crying and nothing happened. In a million years she would never have wanted to do that but being drunk made her extremely mischievious.

It took her a long time to get over that and, like many, vowed not to drink so much again. It's long over now.

mam0918 · 03/07/2021 19:54

I have done this before back when I was like 21, friends had me doing tequila shots (never a good idea) and I apparently snogged my female best friend (who laughed it off and stuck me in a taxi)... I have no memories of any of it and had to ask them how I got home (thus learning the full story).

LittleNibbler · 03/07/2021 20:10

@Melitza it’s not a stupid comment at all. There is no need for the hysteria, the ‘we’re so conflicted, we don’t know what to do, woe is us, we may faint’ attitude going on here. Just leave it.

If my DH came home tonight and said this happened to him, I’d tell him to just reply saying you’re we’re pretty drunk last night, hope all is okay with you? Here if you need to talk’ and move on. This thread and the faux drama are totally unnecessary.

2bazookas · 03/07/2021 20:20

@user432543424532

Are you worried your partner won't believe you?

I'd say the Kisser sent that message to reassure the Kissee that it was an excruciating drunken aberration, there will be no follow up., ever, and he wishes the ground would open and swallow him up.

He's trying to be tactful.

Mandalay246 · 03/07/2021 20:38

I think your making a bigger drama than need be.

I totally agree. What is wrong with people these days? It's highly likely they don't remember what happened. People get drunk, they do stupid things, move on, it's not worth all this angst.

Mandalay246 · 03/07/2021 20:42

it was an uninvited sexual advance or harrassment and the Kissee would be within their rights to go to the police over it

Pathetic.

Original poster

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 20:42

@Melitza it’s not a stupid comment at all. There is no need for the hysteria, the ‘we’re so conflicted, we don’t know what to do, woe is us, we may faint’ attitude going on here. Just leave it.

Well i think that's an exaggeration of our reaction, but I take your point, and we are leaving it.

And would you give your DH the exact same advice if it were one of your married female friends who had kissed him?

OP posts:

wjg65ka · 03/07/2021 20:46

I agree @2bazookas

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 20:56

And would you give your DH the exact same advice if it were one of your married female friends who had kissed him?

Oh how I hate this line of reasoning. It wasn’t a woman, despite your misleading OP. And if it were my bloke and a woman I’d say the same as @LittleNibbler.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 20:56

If his wife had kissed your DH, would you just let it go?
I don't personally think it matters whether it's a man or a woman who's kissed him. Either way your friendship can't just carry on as before now. I think it should be confronted head on, personally.

I also think she deserves to know.

Brindisi32 · 03/07/2021 21:27

I agree with OP, he's testing the waters. If i was the partner of the kissee i'd be keen for him to shut this down. If the kisser is angling to experiment with your partner or was simply just drunk or bicurious, it doesn't matter. It's best to shut it down, blame the booze and make it clear it's forgotten about already. Next time you all meet up, nice big grins, you can tell kisser with your partner not to get too pissed this time, nudge nudge and normalise everything. That will let kisser know that you're well aware of this but there won't be a repeat chance for a snog with your partner.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 03/07/2021 21:28

I would text;
"HAHAHA Mate you were so drunk you were throwing kisses around so we got you into a taxi before you could get your kit off. @YouJustFoldItIn and I have been having a good chuckle about it today, thanks for that!"

Blueskytoday06 · 03/07/2021 21:30

They know what they did.

Mountaingoatling · 03/07/2021 21:36

I know a similar situation. In the end the wife of the kisser found out and blocked all communications with the other couple, clearly blaming the 'kissee' and indeed giving mutual friends (of which I was one) the very clear idea that the kissee was to blame. It subsequently turned out he had form.

To protect yourself, I would get a written record (ie text) telling him what he did, how you responded, that your partner knows and it's fine so long as it never happens again.

In the case I'm referring to, the kissee not being firm and clear was later used against her and there was a big falling out and she felt very hurt and accused.

StrongLegs · 03/07/2021 21:40

tbh I would tell him so it's not hanging over your for years. If he was just really drunk then you can laugh it off and it's done.

Original poster

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 21:54

Spoken to DH. He decided to reply to the text in a friendly but vague fashion, didn't mention the snogging.

But he says he has thought about it a lot today and he's not going mad - the guy was definitely coming on to him with intent. He says he's gone over and over it in his head and there was no misunderstanding.

And he feels weird about seeing him again. He hasn't said he won't, but he's really not looking forward to it. So that's that I suppose. 8 years of friendship probably about to go down the drain.

I imagine DH will now distance himself and things won't be the same. On the one hand I feel a bit sorry for the friend if he is struggling with his sexuality and had a moment of very bad judgement but on the other hand if it were me in DH's position I'd want him to respect how I felt and not force me to spend time with someone I felt weird around.

Between this and all our other friends who are getting divorced we are going to end up with no couples friends left.

OP posts:

paniniswapx3 · 03/07/2021 21:59

I get that though Op as if a friends DH had come onto me that way, I wouldn't want to see him again either - it's no different really just because they're the same sex. Sad that it's the end of the friendship but that's on the kisser, not your DH.

diddl · 03/07/2021 22:10

"On the one hand I feel a bit sorry for the friend if he is struggling with his sexuality and had a moment of very bad judgement"

The friend could have taken responsibility for his actions though & apologised instead of the faux "what happened?" and dumping it all on your husband to decide for him!

HeartvsBrain · 03/07/2021 22:55

OP, I have read all your posts, and quite a lot of the replys, but I haven't noticed anyone else ask this question:
How good friends are the kisser and your DH, do you know if the kisser has any closer male friends than your DH to him? I am just asking because if the kisser doesn't really have any other good male friends he could confide in, would your husband feel up to telling the kisser what happened, and actually asking him if he has any latent homosexual feelings towards anyone (not particularly your husband), and if he does, or is confused and is not sure, then your DH could suggest that he gets some Counselling, to try and help him understand his feelings better. Your DH could reassure him that neither your DH nor you (I do think that the kisser should know that you know) will mention this to anyone else, so he isn't to worry on that score. I am only giving this as a suggestion because you and your DH sound like really nice and caring people, who may actually want to help both of your friends (because if the kisser had counselling and realised that he is homosexual, rather than straight or bi, he would hopefully end the relationship with his DP, leaving both of them free to find other relationships based on the truth). But before you, or any pps here, shoot me down in flames, I do know that neither you or your DH, owe your friend - the kisser - any sort of obligation to delve further into this confusing situation, you would both be within your rights to just give the kisser whatever reply you feel appropriate, and still walk away with your heads held high. It really is just a suggestion, which if taken could lead to further good or bad ramifications. I think most people would probably decide to steer well clear, and that is fine and understanable.

tara66 · 03/07/2021 22:56

''kissee''? is that actually a word? Never heard that before.

paniniswapx3 · 03/07/2021 23:32

It's not an actual word but I think you're missing the point

Shelllendyouhertoothbrush · 03/07/2021 23:54

Laugh it off? "You were a total drunken moron and grabbed my face and kissed me. Don't bloody do that again!!"

LuluJakey1 · 04/07/2021 00:01

@DeRigueurMortis

I'd respond:

It wasn't your best night mate. You were so pissed you confused me with your wife and tried to snog me, at which point we put you in a cab home.

My wife has been taking the piss out of me all day since I told her .

Bet you woke with a hell of a hangover!

Reason being I think your DH needs to tell the truth in case someone did witness it.

It makes clear he's told you , but the jokey tone also

This

FunTimes2020 · 04/07/2021 00:17

@sadie9

I'd probably say nothing about the kiss...BUT On the other hand...it was an uninvited sexual advance or harrassment and the Kissee would be within their rights to go to the police over it.

Don't be mental

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