Very awkward and sensitive situation - WWYD?

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Going to be a bit sketchy on detail here as I don't want to out anyone involved. Sorry if it's hard to follow. It's super awkard.

Two couples have been fairly good friends for a number of years. Both couples have been together for a very long time and have children. They met through work and have other mutual friends in the same industry.

They don't get together often as both couples have moved to different areas a long way apart but they do try to meet up when they can.

However, one half of each couple often still see one another through work. They frequently work away from home and are sometimes on the same contracts/projects, at the same conferences etc. When that happens they socialise, not on their own but with other mutual friends in the same business. This is the case at the moment.

So last night, after a long, boozy night out that went from dinner and then onto a bar, the two people in question found themselves alone at the table while the others had gone off the loo/for a smoke/whatever. Out of the blue, one of them kissed the other. They leaned over, put their hands either side of this person's face and went in for a full on-the-lips snog.

The Kissee was shocked and pushed the Kisser away, but tried to make light of it due to the Kisser being very drunk. The Kissee is adamant that at no point did they give off any signals to indicate they might want to be kissed.

The others then came back to the table and they all put the very drunk Kisser into a cab home before going home themselves. The Kissee thinks that the others didn't see anything, but doesn't know for sure. The Kissee hopes they didn't see because they all know one another's partners and children, and it's just really awkward.

The Kissee thought that would be the end of it. Tried to rationalise the whole thing by telling themselves the Kisser was so drunk they didn't know what they were doing, or that they'd meant to kiss them on the cheek and missed or something, (although deep down they don't really believe that) and that the Kisser wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

This morning at 7am the Kissee gets a text from the Kisser with this message:

God I am so hungover. I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail.'

WTF are you supposed to say to that? They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court to decide whether to mention it or not.

What would you say/do if you were the Kissee? And what would you think if you were the Kissee's partner?

@billy1966 you missed the update
Op it might have been more useful just to tell the story properly from the beginning... 🤔

In another life okay, thirty years ago I was so blind drunk I ended up snogging one bloke by mistake (my partner was there) and at a works Xmas do, one near miss where colleagues stepped in and diverted near-snog to a group hug, bless them, given I was paralytic at the time.

I no longer drink by the way.

I haven't ever snogged someone of the same sex but can imagine drunken circumstances where I might have, alcohol is an equaliser when beer goggles can mean blind drunk.

Fucks sake just read the drip feed. Don’t know why you didn’t just say that OP but anyway. Maybe it shouldn’t but it does change things because it suggests kisser has a bigger problem than being a drunk who oversteps boundaries. Unless other couple is gay?

Omg people. RTFT.

Unless you think your DH may have enjoyed it.

Well if he did, he could have kept it quiet and cracked on. I would have been none the wiser. As it was, he phoned me first thing in a right flap and said 'You'll never guess what happened to me last night.'

' You got drunk and snogged me, mate. No hard feelings but I'm 100% married.'

I don’t think your husband’s response needs to be any different just because it’s a guy. It was a drunken silliness, not appropriate, but no bigger than if it was a woman/man.

Just literally drunken nonsense?

Exactly that. Just let it go. Why make a huge big deal out of it? People do all sorts of crap when they're that drunk.

I think the reality is that men don’t drunkenly kiss other men unless they are gay or bi

My exh did this a couple of times to one mate or another and he is neither bi nor gay. He just seemed to think it was funny when he'd been on the Chateau Blotto. He did it openly, though, in front of others. Responses varied. Mostly it was found mildly amusing.

I don't think it's a foregone conclusion. Depends.

YouJustFoldItIn I totaly get why you did the drip feed. It does change the responses. I think a kind response, mentioning the kiss is the way to go. I'm surprised so many people responding so harshly - I think we have all made mistakes and would hope to be treated with kindness.
So I think, yes, mention the kiss but give them the drunken accident they are suggesting.

That doesn’t count as a drip feed. It’s still a spouse behaving badly with a trusted friend. It might help make the poster more comfortable with the idea that it was one-sided, but that isn’t much of an issue anyway.

Do you think a straight guy could do that when very drunk and genuinely not have any awareness of what he's doing, or any feelings of attraction there? Just literally drunken nonsense?

I think it's perfectly possible, although I feel I might be in the minority here.

If there is normally no hint of gay/bi tones, then over indulgence with beer is the culprit with this bromance. Discuss frankly and avoid over dramatising the situation, as they say what goes on tour stays on tour. a drunken kiss is often misguided affection. Should the event happen again, investigate further

@MachiaNelly

I think the reality is that men don’t drunkenly kiss other men unless they are gay or bi

My exh did this a couple of times to one mate or another and he is neither bi nor gay. He just seemed to think it was funny when he'd been on the Chateau Blotto. He did it openly, though, in front of others. Responses varied. Mostly it was found mildly amusing.

I don't think it's a foregone conclusion. Depends.

Honestly I think it is a foregone conclusion. No straight man SECRETLY tries to snog a male pal regardless of amount they’ve drunk. Why would they?

OP in this instance I do think it should be mentioned, if only because it opens up communication channels for the kisser to maybe talk about why this happened at some point. They are obviously attracted to your partner and therefore conflicted to some degree.

@66babe....so I did😲🤣, cooking dinner!

Well OP that is awkward.
It's a bit funny.
Your poor husband, the shock.

He definitely needs to send a text and kill that dead.

I repeat the Kisser knows bloody well what he did and a message needs to be sent to make his unavailability very clear.

I would say that will kill any future couples nights dead too.

My DH said he was absolutely mortified and thought long and hard about whether to even mention it to me. I am glad he did though. If at some point it came to light that the others had seen and misunderstood the situation, or if Kisser friend eventually decided to come out to his wife and said 'well I've snogged FoldIts DH' and he'd not told me himself then things could get very messy indeed.

We are absolutely NOT going to say anything to anyone beyond DH replying to the text and just shrugging it off as a moment of drunken madness not to be repeated or spoken of again, no hard feelings. Or just saying 'Jeez you were so drunk, you silly sod' and just leaving it be. Still can't decide.

But of course that's the easy bit. The hard bit is wondering whether there is something major going on that my poor friend has no idea about.

@MachiaNelly

Do you think a straight guy could do that when very drunk and genuinely not have any awareness of what he's doing, or any feelings of attraction there? Just literally drunken nonsense?

I think it's perfectly possible, although I feel I might be in the minority here.

I think it is possible too! Not every drunk wish or action is necessarily one echoed in real life. This whole drunk words are truth isn't the case for many of us. For better or for worse

I'd just treat it as a friend getting too drunk and making a dumb move.

Theatrical circles, perhaps. Normal business type circles, I would imagine it’s rarer and the fact he waited for them to be alone suggests he knew what he was doing.

I am thinking now it's a Ross and Joey scenario...is your husband Joey who needs to up his same sex kissing game for a audition and the friend is Ross who got blind drunk to help out?

I think the advice remains the same though on the whole...advise Kissee never to get so drunk again etc.

Loving the whole drip feed crescendo however. Real soap opera build and quality, very well done! Kisser=Man/Kisser=Friend's Husband/Kissee=My Husband

Good grief, all this faux drama. It's ridiculous.

For me, the sex of the kisser and kissee are irrelevant. I still wouldn't make it a "thing". Just avoid being alone.

As for kissers wife, this depends upon the wider context tbh. Tricky call. As it wasn't mutual and doesn't seem to be a habit, I would say the onus is on him to tell her, if he remembers.

I have has heterosexual partners kiss men when drunk before. Sometimes it is just to see what would happen. Who knows what is in his head.

I think also it depends how close you are to your friend. If I felt split loyalties here, I would have to tell her as I couldn't bare to be part of a potential betrayal.

I think straightforward honesty is usually the best way. I wouldn’t really feel comfortable being friends with someone who tried to snog me, without mentioning that it was inappropriate.

If your DH’s friend is secretly gay, or curious, it might be a welcome conversation if he needs support.

I’d reply something along the lines of “You were pretty drunk! Decided it was best to get you in a cab and get you home. Slightly awkward, but you tried to kiss me at the table. Don’t know whether you confused me for your DW, or if there’s a conversation that you need to have with her... I’ve put the whole thing out of my mind, and am here if you need anything. See you on Monday”

Told my DH and he did says he would have told me (as your DH did) and then expected me to decide whether to tell the wife or not! Gee, great.

One thing is neither of us would be comfortable meeting up with the other couple knowing this and trying to act like nothing happened.

I think you and your partner sound like nice people and good mates.

Oh if it's any consolation, I once drunk kissed a friend I have no attraction to. Not even a sliver. Never had. Never will. I didn't remember it at all. Apparently I called her some random man's name and kissed her.

She jokingly mentioned it the next day and I spent a few hours trying to figure out who this mystery man was. The same has happened to me. Not sure what that says about my circles but you know, people do dumb things. If it becomes habitual, then I'd wager there is more to it but if it's a one off and her DH has secretly stroked your husband under the table or something or cast desire veiled eyes, I'd let it go.

I'm not condoning the behaviour, I am just saying it may not be any deeper than a stupid and inappropriate drunken mistake.