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Original poster

Very awkward and sensitive situation - WWYD?

189 replies

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 15:26

Going to be a bit sketchy on detail here as I don't want to out anyone involved. Sorry if it's hard to follow. It's super awkard.

Two couples have been fairly good friends for a number of years. Both couples have been together for a very long time and have children. They met through work and have other mutual friends in the same industry.

They don't get together often as both couples have moved to different areas a long way apart but they do try to meet up when they can.

However, one half of each couple often still see one another through work. They frequently work away from home and are sometimes on the same contracts/projects, at the same conferences etc. When that happens they socialise, not on their own but with other mutual friends in the same business. This is the case at the moment.

So last night, after a long, boozy night out that went from dinner and then onto a bar, the two people in question found themselves alone at the table while the others had gone off the loo/for a smoke/whatever. Out of the blue, one of them kissed the other. They leaned over, put their hands either side of this person's face and went in for a full on-the-lips snog.

The Kissee was shocked and pushed the Kisser away, but tried to make light of it due to the Kisser being very drunk. The Kissee is adamant that at no point did they give off any signals to indicate they might want to be kissed.

The others then came back to the table and they all put the very drunk Kisser into a cab home before going home themselves. The Kissee thinks that the others didn't see anything, but doesn't know for sure. The Kissee hopes they didn't see because they all know one another's partners and children, and it's just really awkward.

The Kissee thought that would be the end of it. Tried to rationalise the whole thing by telling themselves the Kisser was so drunk they didn't know what they were doing, or that they'd meant to kiss them on the cheek and missed or something, (although deep down they don't really believe that) and that the Kisser wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

This morning at 7am the Kissee gets a text from the Kisser with this message:

God I am so hungover. I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail.'

WTF are you supposed to say to that? They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court to decide whether to mention it or not.

What would you say/do if you were the Kissee? And what would you think if you were the Kissee's partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 18:15

Is it out of charater for the kisser to send a text like he did? Does that make you think he knows what he did and is checking that it isn't going to go any further.

Yes it is. They would normally text to arrange meeting times etc but they are not generally 'chatters' and do not keep in constant contact. That's how I am pretty sure he definitely remembers.

OP posts:
LittleNibbler · 03/07/2021 18:19

This is so much drama and you and your DH don’t need to be so ‘conflicted’ at all. Just ignore it. If he does remember it then he got the message last night. His sexuality is it yourself business, stop making it about you two and leave him be, if he is gay or bisexual that’s between him and his family, nothing to do with you

rookiemere · 03/07/2021 18:21

Are your friends Michael Gove and Sarah Vine ?

LittleNibbler · 03/07/2021 18:22

Why is everyone saying be cautious? He’s not about to repeatedly leap on the DH and attack him at any given moment is he? Jeez

Original poster
YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 18:26

His sexuality is it yourself business, stop making it about you two and leave him be, if he is gay or bisexual that’s between him and his family, nothing to do with you

Leave him be? Hilarious. Thanks for that. We were totally planning on Kisser's face on a huge banner with 'CLOSET HOMO WITH WANDERING LIPS' written on it and flying it on a plane over the city. Changed my mind now thanks to your sage advice.

OP posts:
Amotherlife · 03/07/2021 18:26

Having re-read your original post in relation to your last one OP, it seems clear the kisser is anxious to know your husband's response to what happened. Otherwise why text so early? Or at all? He is embarrassed or worried about what your DH might do or say. So he needs an answer but that is all. It's not your issue nor your DH's as to why it happened or whether this man is gay or bi or whether his wife knows. And it's not your problem either if other members of the party saw anything. I imagine he feels very awkward regardless of his sexuality.

Fir the record, I was known to randomly kiss others when drunk in my early twenties - I never kissed a woman, only men. But that did include men I didn't fancy in the slightest when sober. I do think people may well act out of character when very drunk.

Original poster
YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 18:28

I agree Nibbler.

In some people's world no-one is every a clumsy would-be romancer, barking up the wrong tree, they are always a potential attacker and sex pest.

OP posts:
Boomisshiss · 03/07/2021 18:29

I think if someone kissed you OP and your partner thinks you are lying and the kisser doesn’t remember I think you all just need to move on

GillBiggeloesHair · 03/07/2021 18:30

Crikey what a load of drama and pearl clutching.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/07/2021 18:36

@saraclara

I'd need to mention it. Or it would never go away.

"Honestly? You made an idiot of yourself and tried to kiss me. I wasn't impressed and I hope to God that no-one saw. I'd like to forget about it, but I suggest you rein your drinking in, in future"

This is absolutely perfect wording, @saraclara.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/07/2021 18:40

The other option would be to call the Kisser’s bluff, @YouJustFoldItIn - “Don’t try to say you don’t remember what you did because I don’t believe it for a moment!”

Nomorepies · 03/07/2021 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

aramox · 03/07/2021 18:42

Carrie? Sarah? I'm sure Boris and Michael will work it out.

Nocutenamesleft · 03/07/2021 18:43

I agree

Whoever the kissee is. Is making this WAYYYYYY bigger than it need be

You were drunk.

End of. If their partner knows all about it. Then who cares if they do/don’t remember

Move on!!!!

SeaShoreGalore · 03/07/2021 18:43

it was an uninvited sexual advance or harrassment and the Kissee would be within their rights to go to the police over it

😀 Jesus wept!

KaptainKaveman · 03/07/2021 18:44

Of course it's their business @LittleNibbler, since the bloke forced himself on the OP's dh! He didn't ask to be grabbed and snogged by his male friend, did he? Wft are you blaming the OP for? Confused

OP I think the friend will be tying himself in knots here. The generous thing to do would be to make light of it as pp suggest and ignore it henceforth. However, it is also a shocking and intrusive thing to have done. If a man did it to a woman we'd call it assault, so I can understand if your dh and you want nothing more to do with him.

Nocutenamesleft · 03/07/2021 18:46

@YouJustFoldItIn

I would tell the truth, "you were very drunk and tried to kiss me. But don't worry i know you didn't mean it, and we put you in a taxi home straightaway! 😂 " He absolutely does know he kissed you, but wants to know if they've upset you.

That's exactly what I thought, having seen the text. The Kisser is testing the waters to see if the Kissee is upset or not.

I said that was the best way to handle it, by trying to make a bit of a joke about it, brush it off in a way that makes it clear it's forgiven and forgotten, let's not talk about it again etc.

Thing is, it's not as straightforward as it first sounds and needs sensitive handling.

The kisser is a man. He's my friend's husband. The kissee is my husband.

Holy shit!
Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 18:46

@YouJustFoldItIn

The partner of the Kissee has been told immediately and does completely believe them. That's not the issue. The issue is how to approach it with the kisser, who clearly does remember what happened even though they are pretending they don't. It's all sorts of weird.
How do you know they remember? There’s an excellent chance they don’t. Least said, soonest mended seems to apply in this instance.
Nocutenamesleft · 03/07/2021 18:49

@JamesMcavoysforearms

This actually happened to me. I discussed it with my friends (who didn't know him so it wouldn't get back to him) as i was mortified. We are still friends almost 20 years later it has never been mentioned. I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember it and i'm not going to remind him! I put it down to missing his partner as she was away at the time. I wouldn't say, you were so drunk i poured you into a taxi and leave out the snogging part. He might remember but is embarrassed, or he genuinely doesn't remember. You have to ask yourself if it's worth ruining a friendship?
After the epic drip feed

Which could of easily been mentioned in the first post. Both were men.

This is what what I agree with.

waitingforlifeonmars · 03/07/2021 18:51

@saraclara

I'd need to mention it. Or it would never go away.

"Honestly? You made an idiot of yourself and tried to kiss me. I wasn't impressed and I hope to God that no-one saw. I'd like to forget about it, but I suggest you rein your drinking in, in future"

This. Works all ways.
Nocutenamesleft · 03/07/2021 18:54

@YouJustFoldItIn

Well that’s an epic drip feed.

Yes I know. I was conflicted about whether to just say who it was fromt he beginning but I am aware that people can go to default responses and reactions in these situations depending on the sex of those involved. Really it shouldn't matter - a married person was kissed by a married friend, regardless of whether it was a man/woman/same sex thing. I wanted comments on how the Kisser should respond to the text. I do actually think that by the tone of most of the suggested responses, along the lines of 'You were very drunk and you behaved inappropriately, don't do it again, it was embarrassing' would actually have been worded rather differently if I'd said from the beginning that this was a male, married, supposedly straight friend of ours coming on to my husband. It shouldn't be different, but somehow it is.

Do you think a straight guy could do that when very drunk and genuinely not have any awareness of what he's doing, or any feelings of attraction there? Just literally drunken nonsense?

I think you have to tread very carefully. Whatever is said. How much does your husband value the friendship? How much does he respect this man? Embarrassing things like this can drive people to suicidal tendencies.

I really think this needs to be done based to personal people involved.

With some mates. I’d mention it. However others would be mortified and it would devastate them.

Melitza · 03/07/2021 18:59

@LittleNibbler

This is so much drama and you and your DH don’t need to be so ‘conflicted’ at all. Just ignore it. If he does remember it then he got the message last night. His sexuality is it yourself business, stop making it about you two and leave him be, if he is gay or bisexual that’s between him and his family, nothing to do with you
@LittleNibbler. I think the kisser made it their business. What a stupid comment.
Luckingfovely · 03/07/2021 19:01

In no world that I know has a man kissed another man, whether drunk or not, unless they are bi or gay. I understand your concern for the wife OP, as that's the real problem here. And he clearly remembers and is concerned about the outcome.

Probably concerned for his family and his future, rightly. Sadly, there are many people out there who are hiding their true sexuality, even these days.

It's very tricky, but I'd agree with sending a lighthearted message that he was a twat and shouldn't drink so much. And then take some time and see how you want to progress with the friendship over time.

occa · 03/07/2021 19:03

Don't think that's particularly a dripfeed tbh, as the advice would/should be the same whatever the sexes of the involved parties really.

I think totally ignoring it opens the door a crack to it happening again, and so I'd definitely mention it, probably along the lines of @DeRigueurMortis' suggestion but maybe leaving out the bit about mistaking for the wife.

Original poster
YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 19:07

FFS, it's clearly not forgiven is it. Its freaked you out and you feel he's fishing to see how it was received.

Yes it has freaked us both out for sure, but I don't think he's fishing for a second try, I think he's just trying to gauge what DH's reaction is this morning in the hope that he doesn't remember, or at least pretends he doesn't remember to allow Kisser to save face. We are quite happy with that outcome, it seems for the best, all things considered.

As for 'not forgiven' neither of us feel any great crime has been committed. There is nothing to forgive. It's just weird to get our heads around, that's all.

Or he'll think he's got away with it and will try it again. I very much doubt that. I imagine he's hugely embarrassed, whether it was a genuine pass or just a drunken bit of weirdness.

OP posts: