Very awkward and sensitive situation - WWYD?

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Going to be a bit sketchy on detail here as I don't want to out anyone involved. Sorry if it's hard to follow. It's super awkard.

Two couples have been fairly good friends for a number of years. Both couples have been together for a very long time and have children. They met through work and have other mutual friends in the same industry.

They don't get together often as both couples have moved to different areas a long way apart but they do try to meet up when they can.

However, one half of each couple often still see one another through work. They frequently work away from home and are sometimes on the same contracts/projects, at the same conferences etc. When that happens they socialise, not on their own but with other mutual friends in the same business. This is the case at the moment.

So last night, after a long, boozy night out that went from dinner and then onto a bar, the two people in question found themselves alone at the table while the others had gone off the loo/for a smoke/whatever. Out of the blue, one of them kissed the other. They leaned over, put their hands either side of this person's face and went in for a full on-the-lips snog.

The Kissee was shocked and pushed the Kisser away, but tried to make light of it due to the Kisser being very drunk. The Kissee is adamant that at no point did they give off any signals to indicate they might want to be kissed.

The others then came back to the table and they all put the very drunk Kisser into a cab home before going home themselves. The Kissee thinks that the others didn't see anything, but doesn't know for sure. The Kissee hopes they didn't see because they all know one another's partners and children, and it's just really awkward.

The Kissee thought that would be the end of it. Tried to rationalise the whole thing by telling themselves the Kisser was so drunk they didn't know what they were doing, or that they'd meant to kiss them on the cheek and missed or something, (although deep down they don't really believe that) and that the Kisser wouldn't even remember it in the morning.

This morning at 7am the Kissee gets a text from the Kisser with this message:

God I am so hungover. I don't remember much about last night and I don't know how I got home. You will have to fill me in on the detail.'

WTF are you supposed to say to that? They clearly do remember, and have put the ball back in the Kissee's court to decide whether to mention it or not.

What would you say/do if you were the Kissee? And what would you think if you were the Kissee's partner?

Thank you Confused.

The immediate indignant reaction in normal circumstances of putting someone firmly in their place when unwanted and inappropriate advances are made somehow seems possibly a bit lacking in sensitivity or empathy in this particular situation. It could also be construed as homophobia, if you act too horrified. We are both hoping it was just some daft drunken nonsense with no great hidden meaning to it, but are mindful of the fact that it may not be. Either way, I doubt it will ever happen again. I'm sure kisser friend is even more mortified than we are.

Whoa amazing reveal.

I still think the "you tried to kiss me, you silly sod" response is the way to go.

I think it's possible the kisser may actually have forgotten and/or just have an uncomfortable feeling that he did something he shouldn't have.

The person saying to tell the police I mean really. You’re friends. Act with compassion. They may not remember or very vaguely remember. Either say “yes we had to pop you in a taxi home!” And don’t mention the kiss (if they remember it they’ll know that that’s the end of the convo), or be explicit but kind and give the benefit of the doubt “you were so drunk you tried to kiss me, I put a stop to that and later the group bundled you into the taxi. I don’t think anyone saw. Let’s write this one off and never speak of it again!”

@Confusedandshaken

I think you and your partner sound like nice people and good mates.

I agree.

I also think I would just leave it if I were you and your husband. If it happens again, then reconsider saying something. It's good he told you so you can address it as a couple, but I wouldn't take further for now.

The chap could be bi but very happily married to a woman and just had a moment of nostalgia and longing while absolutely blind drunk. Or it could be something more. I'd be inclined to just tell them they were drunk as all hell via text, and if the kiss was going to be mentioned/discussed, to do so in person to try and get a read on their reaction and also because it's very hard to be delicate and nuanced over text. Better not to try.

If it's a great friendship and was just a silly drunk mistake it seems a shame to chuck it away just over one thing.
Equally, if there is more going on, your DH would be able to judge more accurately by mentioning it face to face. If the bloke is mortified and genuinely doesn't remember your DH could also reassure him at that point that it's water under the bridge, friend can apologise profusely and then you all move on. No drama. If he's in love with your DH, it might be obvious then.

Oops saw the updates. Yeah kisser might be bi and it all just came out when drunk, rather than any kind of earth shattering issue where his wife is his “beard” or anything like that. Obviously quite awkward though, I dont think I’d get DH to mention the kiss over text, just to say he was drunk and bundled into taxi and hope the heads not to sore and see you soon! Or something that indicates all is forgiven and no need to talk about it. If he does remember he’s probably after some reassurance that he hasn’t destroyed the friendship.

I think that something like ‘hahah you were so pissed that you tried to snog me! We must not get so drunk next time!” Is the way to go. I do know some people who behave like that when very drunk, but it’s the kind of thing that normally reveals itself the first time you get drunk with them, not many years into a friendship!

Is it out of charater for the kisser to send a text like he did? Does that make you think he knows what he did and is checking that it isn't going to go any further. If he is gay/bi and pretending to be straight I assume he doesn't think that your DH happens to be the same and isn't angling for a repeat

I'd respond:

It wasn't your best night mate. You were so pissed you confused me with your wife and tried to snog me, at which point we put you in a cab home.

My wife has been taking the piss out of me all day since I told her .

Bet you woke with a hell of a hangover!

---

Reason being I think your DH needs to tell the truth in case someone did witness it.

It makes clear he's told you , but the jokey tone also

Sorry pressed post too soon...

The jokey tone gives him a "way out".

I think ignoring it is a mistake. He needs to know your DH told you.

The kisser was so drunk that he waited until the others had left the table and he could do it without being observed?? Doesn't sound completely drunk to me! I think he was testing the waters.

You're making a huge drama out of it, OP. Your first post read like a whodunnit.

@DeRigueurMortis

That's a great text.

If he texts back ''you got so drunk you tried to kiss me'' then I think your little foursome will hit the skids but do you care?

@butterpuffed

You're making a huge drama out of it, OP. Your first post read like a whodunnit.

Completely agree. Way too much drama,

And with the huge drip feed I can't help doing this face

[quote billy1966]@DeRigueurMortis

That's a great text.[/quote]

Thank you.

The other point I meant to add means it also makes clear that your DH is obviously not interested if he told you.

That should be enough to stop a repeat performance if it was intentional.

Ignoring it could be perceived as an invitation that your DH is amenable to a repeat.

@sadie9

I'd probably say nothing about the kiss...BUT On the other hand...it was an uninvited sexual advance or harrassment and the Kissee would be within their rights to go to the police over it.

Call the police and report that a drunken friend kissed them in the middle of a bar?

I genuinely don't know whether to laugh or cry at this!

I think everyone knows that if a bloke tries to kiss a bloke he hasn’t mistaken him for his wife. that’s faux-naïf slash disingenuous.

I would do the same whatever the gender of the lunger: ignore it.

People do stupid things when they’re drunk. If he has some unresolved gay or bi leanings that’s for him and his wife to deal with.

Oh my god… that’s one heck of a drip feed there love!

@TatianaBis

I think everyone knows that if a bloke tries to kiss a bloke he hasn’t mistaken him for his wife. that’s faux-naïf slash disingenuous.

I would do the same whatever the gender of the lunger: ignore it.

People do stupid things when they’re drunk. If he has some unresolved gay or bi leanings that’s for him and his wife to deal with.

I agree but the OP wanted a way to try and avoid a big falling out whilst making clear her DH wasn't interested and also cover any fallout if the kiss was witnessed.

My proposed text does that.

I've already explained why I wouldn't ignore it.

I think everyone knows that if a bloke tries to kiss a bloke he hasn’t mistaken him for his wife. that’s faux-naïf slash disingenuous.

I would do the same whatever the gender of the lunger: ignore it.

People do stupid things when they’re drunk. If he has some unresolved gay or bi leanings that’s for him and his wife to deal with.

Best reply on the thread Tatiana thank you. You pretty much concur with our gut feeling on the matter, so that's decided it for me.

I've already explained why I wouldn't ignore it.

Completely understand that angle too, hence why we were so conflicted. But the important thing is that I know, DH has been honest with me and if any more comes of it in terms of other people seeing it, or Kisser blurting it out to his wife, at least DH's bases are covered with me. The rest is for the kisser to sort out in his own head.

I think I’d tell your husband to reply “don’t ever try to snog me again ya drunken bum” and leave it at that. And then follow it up with a swift change of conversation to something about the footie. Lighthearted but clear, and that’s the end of that.

Reason being I think your DH needs to tell the truth in case someone did witness it.

Yes but the only person he needs to answer to there is me. And I already know. We don't want to embarrass Kisser friend and make it really awkward when i see him next. Of course it will be a bit awkward but not as awkward as if we all knew that we all knew, IYSWIM.

@wjg65ka

I've genuinely been so drunk in my pre-married/children life that I have blacked out and wouldn't remember.

Maybe they genuinely don't remember. I'd just tell the kisser they were so drunk and had to be put in a taxi and leave it at that but be cautious of drinking around them in the future if that's how drunk they can get

So protect the kisser and save the embarrassment of what they did but the kissee must now be cautious around them if that's how they behave? Maybe the kisser should just take responsibility for themselves