What do you make of a man who ....

[EstherTW]

I'd value opinions of a relationship with a man I have been apart from a lot during the lockdowns, and am seeing now with fresher eyes.

We went away for a night. It was my first night away since Oct 2019, I was so pleased! Whenever we have stayed in a hotel, he insists we change rooms. There's always something wrong with the one we are given. He always waits until I have unpacked, and I find it mortifying watching him try to press the staff into giving us a 'better' room, when the one we had is perfectly nice, and having to listen to him trying to barter with the manager.

When we 're having dinner, at some point he decides the view is better from my seat, and wants to change chairs, or move his chair around to sit next to me. He will make the staff move everything on the table. I hate it.

In our room, thinking I will enjoy the hotel bathroom and have a lovely bath, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke.

He will criticise, and then pretend he isn't. Example, we arrived and I mentioned wanting to have some tea. He said, 'of course you do', in a cold, dismissive way, as annoyed. If I respond, he says, 'what, I just, said of course you do', and denies it being critical.

I hope you can understand what I mean. We've been together for years, but we don't live together, and so were apart during the lockdown. We've spent time together in the past few months, but I don't feel very happy. This night away just seemed to display something.

I would really like to know what anyone thought.

He doesn’t sound great OP. Highly critical, which would come from a position of thinking he is better than everything and everyone and therefore able to negatively judge. It will only get worse. Move on now

He tells me that if I didn't come to see him, I wouldn't go anywhere, and will be looking after my mum on my own. He is starting to make me feel very down about my life. I don't have any other friends left, and don't know who else would want to get involved with me

Yes, you're absolutely right, I've only been with you because my circumstances meant I had to make do with a substandard specimen. I reckon now lockdown is ending, I can stop making do and meet somebody that's actually worth my time and effort'.

Having an outside impartial view is valuable. There are lots of ted flags from what you describe and many here have replied to say so - it's not what a normal living relationship should be like. The control, selfish ways, coming in the bathroom to take photos.... where is the respect and care? Change is always hard; but your life will be richer for it.

Thank you once more for your replies. It is helpful. An outside, impartial view, as @Butterfly44 said.

This is confusing for me. We did have fun, have a lot in common, have enjoyable times. Over time, the bad has started to outweigh the good. Many of you have said he must be someone who thinks he is superior. I always thought of him as someone insecure. He is tremendously class conscious, always aware of where someone had gone to school/university, where they/their parents lived/grew up, etc. I took that to be a sign of his own lack of confidence, and felt sorry for him about it. Over time, I began to feel the weight of it on me. I began to pick up signals about 'class' that I never would have done before, and find myself worrying about how he was going to react to them. I could tell a person he was going to feel threatened by, usually someone I'd think 'they're nice', I'd instinctively know he would find a threat.

He can be quite overbearing. Before my illness, I did music at university and as a postgraduate, and taught and performed. When my illness meant giving up my career, I happy to meet him, as he said he liked to go to concerts, and I was so pleased to share this with someone. After a while, I realised he didn't know as much about it as he said. When we'd go, he would conduct the music with his fingers on his knees next to me - slightly out of time - and it would drive me silently crackers because I couldn't focus on what the orchestra, who we had come to see, were doing - in time!
That sounds a petty point, and maybe it is. What I did notice over time was that he would come to something with me, something I knew, and ask me about it, but then complain that I was lecturing him. Or, read up about it on his phone under the table when we'd be talking about it, and keep referring to his phone, trying to 'best' me with esoteric facts about the composer/orchestra - things such as where they went to school, which no-one would have memorised! Everything is a competition.

I find that upsetting, as I am not competitive.

These things keep coming back to me, now that I am thinking through good times and these less good incidents. It is over a period of years.

What I am reflecting on, is that I wonder if these things that bother him - class and hierachy - have started to insidiously get to me, and make me feel my life is worse than it is, or would be awful without him? I've never worried about his specific issues in relation to myself, but I do seem to have ended up feeling 'less-than' on my own, and worried about other things about myself, destabilised and unhappy. So that, when I feel unhappy with him, I thought, poor him I wonder why he's like this, not, I should leave. I thought I was just ignoring these silly notions of his, but maybe they've got to me more than I think. I was shocked when some of you said you thought that he was consciously trying to embarrass or upset me with his actions. That hadn't occurred to me. Because I don't care about the issues he raises all the time, I didn't think they were upsetting me - but maybe they were, or were designed to?

As ever, I'd love anyone's relfections! You've all been amazing. It is so helpful to see what other people think. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time, particularly the ladies who have posted links to psychology journals! x

I'm so sorry to say @EstherTW but his superiority is not just competitive, it's cruel. He sees himself as better than you (and others) which is why he's threatened by those who are better educated, or well-read. You'll probably find too that he'd been dismissive of professionals (e.g. psychologists or scientists) because he can't bear the thought that someone knows more than him. It's utterly exhausting being with a narcissist. Your (and most people's) normal isn't his so there is no way of debating effectively without feeling like your brain is being turned inside out. You'll be invalidated, patronised and put down, regardless of whether your argument has merit or not.

Please look after your own mental health. I found myself constantly 'in my head' in my relationship with a narcissist, always over-thinking, trying to work out what I could have done or said differently to make it simpler and easier. But the truth is - now I've been in a healthy relationship for three years - you can't make it work. Healthy relationships are about equal partnerships and my brain is quiet now - no over-thinking, no agonising, no crying to my friends about what I could do to try to make him understand me.

Take care.

Dont listen. After i left my narc x i was able to rediscover the joy of the ordinary. We had no money but i used to love my daily treat of doing the cross word with a coffee when dc at school. I could go for a walk, cook, browse im charity shops for second hand books, i connected online with people in the same situation. I felt so much better. I hadnt left for some high life or to be free to date which is what they fear. I left to get away from HIM and when i did that, i could find joy in the everyday moments which i had not been able to do for years and years.
It was like a size 13 workmans boot taken off my soul.

SO DONT LET HIM GET TO YOU NOW. YOUR LIFE WILL BE BETTER

That was in response to a part of a previous post qquoted by nneverdropyourmooncup

I can't believe you would give this twat a minute let alone years.

Thank you to all who commented on this thread a few weeks ago.

My boyfriend contacted me again today. I hadn't spoken to him for 4 weeks. I have been quite happy, contented, relaxed. I was finding that my life wasn't so awful, and actually I was happier than I thought I'd be.

He started by telling me about a special present he'd bought for me, asking me if I already had it. From there, the conversation deteriorated. He went over old ground about the last time we'd seen each other. I asked him what he wanted from me, that I didn't see the point in going over things, and I didn't understand what he wanted. He got more vicious. He managed to remind me of my illness, and my upcoming 40th birthday (next week), and tell me that he understood that I was bitter, but that I needed to apologise.
I had been feeling perfectly happy ( and not at all bitter, I was happily in the garden, trimming a rose bush when he called) but he has managed to upset me. I told him I had to go, and stopped the call.
He then sent me a long email, outlining all the things he had wanted to say. He often did that before - finished an argument, and then sent me a long email, outlining how he was right.
He has upset me. He told me I was a bully, that I never stopped complaining and making him nervous, and I never admit anything is my fault.
Everything about that last sentence is exactly what I would have said he did to me.
I tried not to let it get to me, but it has.
Some of you ladies here seemed to have experience of trying to break away from people, and I just wondered what advice you might have.

Hi @EstherTW, sorry I don't have much useful to say, but it sounds like the four weeks 'off' have done you the world of good, so please don't let one conversation and email take you back to feeling a bit flat.

Also, given the email, and that you've not spoken for four weeks, then this call... I wonder if he has your passwords for online things like email or social media? Could he have found this thread?
As you said he changed the settings on your iPod, I wonder if he's also logged into your emails or anything.
I don't know why, just an overwhelming feeling that you should change your passwords.

You know the absolute best thing you could do would be to tell him it’s clearly not working for either of you if he’s as disgruntled as he seems in his emails. Tell him you’re calling time. Then block him on everything he could contact you on. Don’t reply to anything more. Don’t even read it. Give yourself the best present ever for your 40th - a fresh start without someone pecking away constantly at your confidence. You’ll enjoy the peace, I’m sure.

One message we are done and Block on everything

You don’t live together or have kids so it should be easy done but if you can’t

One message we are done and ignore him

The weird thing about people like him OP, is that when it comes to crunch time they often project their own behaviours onto you. You noticed it yourself but because you are a decent person it's left you with a bit of a question mark hanging over your head.

It's definitely him talking about himself though. It's sticking the boot in on the way out because he knows it'll upset you. Remind yourself that he's talking b**locks and therefore anything he says can be summarily disregarded as such.

Block him on all platforms and keep on feeling better in general without him

In our room, thinking I will enjoy the hotel bathroom and have a lovely bath, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke
🤮

Wow, OP he is gaslighting you. He is accusing you of everything he does! He constantly needs drama and to control you, doesn't he? He just doesn't like to see you happy. It seems like he isn't content unless he has picked a fight with you and needs to make you miserable to boost himself. He is scum. A real manipulative narcissist. Ditch him. Even being alone is better than having your mind messed with like this. Ain't nobody got time for that! Fuck that for a joke. Life is hard enough as it is, without being miserable due to suck mindfuckery.

Have you ever told him how frustrated and mortified you feel when he needs to switch rooms and demand things all the time? Have you ever told him this?

He is 100% projecting.

I would reply to his email and say, since he feels are so awful to be with, it's best that you go your separate ways. Then block his email and phone number.

OP this man will never bring anything positve to your life. Seize your courage, hold on to the feelings you had without him around and get rid of him. Do not have any further discussions with him. There is no point. You come across as a lovely, kind resourceful person. Use your gifts to start a new happy chapter.

@EstherTW

He told me I was a bully, that I never stopped complaining and making him nervous, and I never admit anything is my fault. Everything about that last sentence is exactly what I would have said he did to me.

Ugh he's so predictable.

Google DARVO. In short, if ever confronted about behaving poorly or nastily or selfishly, people like your boyfriend will manipulate the conversation as follows: deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.

Everything you say they do / did becomes something YOU do / did so they are the wronged party.

It's so confusing when they do it that in the moment they often convince you they are right and you can even end up apologising.

He's a prick. Please go no contact permanently, he's so bad for your mental wellbeing.

@EstherTW sounds like you’ve had a great month and I hope that can be your constant reminder of what your life can be like without this insidious man.

He has no care for you or good intentions for your relationship. I’ve had a long relationship like you described here and it took ages for me to shake off the self doubt.

Yes, call it off in a short message and block him. But personally I wouldn’t say anything about the essay he sent via email or use that as a reason to break up (ie “if things are that bad for you…”) …that gives him room to wiggle back and gaslight you further. You are breaking up with him because of how you feel and because it’s what you want. Take that control and lead. Leave no gaps for criticism, blustering, whinging or ‘putting the record straight’.
Enjoy your rose garden and have a great 40th.

He's sounding like he may have some traits of autism perhaps?
The fact you are questioning his behaviour shows that you have your own gut feelings that it's making you feel uncomfortable.

He’s 100% projecting, which is partly because in his head he’s believed he’s perfect (despite the insecurities that you have correctly picked up on), and partly to put the boot in because he knows you’re lovely and care about other people’s feelings. I know it’s scary when you’re a nice person but the advice to tell him you should go your separate ways as neither of you are happy and then block everywhere is very good, as he’ll probably try and escalate the situation when he realises his tantrums are not causing you to do what he wants. I know blocking him probably feels excessive but think of it as as an exercise in self care- he could become very nasty and manipulative if you don’t. I’d also suggest looking into The Freedom Program and reading ‘Why Does He Do That?’ so that you can understand what he’s trying to do- it all sadly fits into a pattern that many women on MN will recognise. You sound so lovely OP, don’t listen to any of his nonsense, it’s specifically designed to hurt and belittle you.

Stop wasting your precious life on someone with such a fragile ego and bitter resentment of anyone else's existence. What an unpleasant shit.

What should you reply?
How about, "OK."
And then block.

Controlling and gas lighting and possibly narcissistic.

Whatever it is he sounds horrible.

OP it’s great that you’ve had a nice few weeks without him. I had a partner who accused me of bullying him when in fact he was the one generating torrents of unkindness, manipulation and trying to make me unhappy. I found that the best way to manage it was not to engage. Once I’d decided it was over, I told him that I was ending it, and then I just didn’t respond to any of the calls or emails. I knew that any further communication would just be upsetting and confusing for me, and wouldnt resolve anything. I blocked him on WhatsApp and set up all emails from him to go into a hidden folder so I don’t have to look at them. It really worked! Life became calm again and I could focus my energy on positive things. It sounds like you’re ready to do that.