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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of a man who ....

208 replies

EstherTW · 02/07/2021 18:42

I'd value opinions of a relationship with a man I have been apart from a lot during the lockdowns, and am seeing now with fresher eyes.

We went away for a night. It was my first night away since Oct 2019, I was so pleased! Whenever we have stayed in a hotel, he insists we change rooms. There's always something wrong with the one we are given. He always waits until I have unpacked, and I find it mortifying watching him try to press the staff into giving us a 'better' room, when the one we had is perfectly nice, and having to listen to him trying to barter with the manager.

When we 're having dinner, at some point he decides the view is better from my seat, and wants to change chairs, or move his chair around to sit next to me. He will make the staff move everything on the table. I hate it.

In our room, thinking I will enjoy the hotel bathroom and have a lovely bath, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke.

He will criticise, and then pretend he isn't. Example, we arrived and I mentioned wanting to have some tea. He said, 'of course you do', in a cold, dismissive way, as annoyed. If I respond, he says, 'what, I just, said of course you do', and denies it being critical.

I hope you can understand what I mean. We've been together for years, but we don't live together, and so were apart during the lockdown. We've spent time together in the past few months, but I don't feel very happy. This night away just seemed to display something.

I would really like to know what anyone thought.

OP posts:
RaraRachael · 03/07/2021 14:18

I can't think why you've been with this man for years, if he's been like this all along. I'd have given him the heave ho after about a month.

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 14:22

In my opinion OP, he doesn't like you very much at all, he actively resents you.

He is using you for sex and is fed up with the extra niceties of treating you like human. He does not see you as equal, you are a burden in his eyes.

The insistence upon a new room, your side of the table, is that he thinks other people are getting things better than him and as he is superior to everyone, he deserves the best.

This man is a miserable, misogynistic wanker and you would be best to leave him to it.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 14:39

He sounds like an absolute prick. His sole intention appears to be to inconvenience everyone else and he has a massively over-inflated ego.

Sakurami · 03/07/2021 14:54

He sounds vile. I wouldn't spend another minute with him.

MrsExpo · 03/07/2021 15:04

What do I make of this man???? He's a controlling arse. Just thank your lucky stars you don't live with him and (I very much hope!) have kids with him.

Get rid of him now. This enforced separation has done you a huge favour.

MarshmallowAra · 03/07/2021 15:08

Unbearable prick.

dottiedodah · 03/07/2021 15:20

He sounds like my friends BF! Always wanting to upgrade everything! Quite honestly who needs this shit? Does he think hes so important that everyone is going to jump through a hoop or something? Just Bin right now .

TooBigForMyBoots · 03/07/2021 15:23

Mincemeat.Grin

Windmillwhirl · 03/07/2021 15:26

He's embarrassing and rude. You can do much better x

rantymcrantface66 · 03/07/2021 15:30

Is the behaviour new? Either way I couldn't ever go away with him or eat out with him - how embarrassing. Sounds like a total arse. LTB!

KarlMaldensNose · 03/07/2021 15:30

@HelenArlidge

He sounds like the kind of man you'd find in an episode of criminal minds.
🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant 😂😂😂
BlueFishSwims · 03/07/2021 15:34

It’s a no from me. Awful! Just thank God you aren’t married to him.

YouJustFoldItIn · 03/07/2021 15:34

This ringing some bells - have you posted about him before? He sounds like a real high maintenance, passive aggressive idiot. You clearly aren't happy so just leave him. It's not like you have to give up your home or anything to do it, so I don't know what you are waiting for.

safariboot · 03/07/2021 15:38

Entitled prick, get rid.

You can tell a lot about someone by how they behave in hotels, restaurants, etc.

andpeggy1 · 03/07/2021 15:40

He must be a mega shag for you to put up with this kinda crap. Even then this is just shorty behaviour that no one should put up with

lorca · 03/07/2021 15:40

I dunno, Op, my DP was exactly the same regarding hotel rooms. He's very 'fussy' (noise intolerant, lived on his own for decades, never needed to share rooms/toilets/air with anyone else for any length of time) and we'd always,. always need to move. the room would 'overlook the road/pool/bar' so 'would be noisy', would have a shower not a bath, would be to close to a main road - he is a nightmare to holiday with.

One time we stayed ONE night in a holiday park, lots of little chalets. No one else there when we arrived, we moved in and unpacked. At dinner he noticed that another traveller had booked in and been put RIGHT NEXT TO OUR CHALET (in a huge park of chalets Hmm) so he complained to reception. Thought he (new neighbour) would be noisy, up all night, TV blaring. We moved to a smaller chalet that hadn't been aired recently.
Neighbour went to bed at 9 and we tried to sleep with the smell of damp all night.

I don't permit it any more - I actually take it personally; I've spent hours, days sometimes, researching the best hotel for the price, reading reviews (If one says it's mildly noisy, we go elsewhere...) so he gets a say in the choice, then that's it. No more discussion and he can lump it.

That's only a small part of your OP tho. The constant criticism, and the taking photos without your consent (In the bath!) - he would be out. That is NOT ON.

Sudename · 03/07/2021 15:41

In the words of mumsnetters everywhere:
LTB!

Bluedeblue · 03/07/2021 15:47

I'm not afraid to ask for a different room, or a different table, if there's a genuine reason. For eg. we had paid for a sea view in Ibiza, and whilst we did face on to the sea, we also faced on to a building site, with cranes etc, so I asked to swap. Or the time we got seated in TGI Friday's right next to the kitchen galley where all the dirty plates and rubbish gets piled up. So, I asked for a window table instead. But I'd never do it for no reason!! Why is he letting you unpack first as well? That's really odd.

I think your time apart has thrown fresh light on to his outrageous behaviour, and personally I would end the relationship.

Tealeavesandscones · 03/07/2021 15:50

What would happen op if you stood up to him and said "I've unpacked and I'm happy with this room and I am not moving"?

I think the answer to this question tells you all you need to know. All the more so if you don't feel able to challenge him!

sleepyshiftworker · 03/07/2021 15:51

I've had a baby with a prick just like this. Run for the hills.

worktrip · 03/07/2021 15:52

Nightmare. Dump

Selinaserena · 03/07/2021 15:54

He's a controlling narcissist. You're better than that.

ahoyshipmates · 03/07/2021 15:54

@MarshmallowAra

Unbearable prick.
Yep.
sadie9 · 03/07/2021 15:56

That is not only controlling behaviour but it's also hostility towards women.
His humiliation of you is very elaborate and planned out. Scary. He might even enjoy taking you to places for purposes of humiliation.
What is his relationship like with his mother? Some men try to resolve the unconscious rage against their mother or other caregiver, by humiliating another woman. I'd leave him. Your gut might already be telling you that.

StillCalmX · 03/07/2021 16:00

No dissent here. He sounds awful, using you to feel superior.

🚩🚨

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