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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of a man who ....

208 replies

EstherTW · 02/07/2021 18:42

I'd value opinions of a relationship with a man I have been apart from a lot during the lockdowns, and am seeing now with fresher eyes.

We went away for a night. It was my first night away since Oct 2019, I was so pleased! Whenever we have stayed in a hotel, he insists we change rooms. There's always something wrong with the one we are given. He always waits until I have unpacked, and I find it mortifying watching him try to press the staff into giving us a 'better' room, when the one we had is perfectly nice, and having to listen to him trying to barter with the manager.

When we 're having dinner, at some point he decides the view is better from my seat, and wants to change chairs, or move his chair around to sit next to me. He will make the staff move everything on the table. I hate it.

In our room, thinking I will enjoy the hotel bathroom and have a lovely bath, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke.

He will criticise, and then pretend he isn't. Example, we arrived and I mentioned wanting to have some tea. He said, 'of course you do', in a cold, dismissive way, as annoyed. If I respond, he says, 'what, I just, said of course you do', and denies it being critical.

I hope you can understand what I mean. We've been together for years, but we don't live together, and so were apart during the lockdown. We've spent time together in the past few months, but I don't feel very happy. This night away just seemed to display something.

I would really like to know what anyone thought.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 05/07/2021 20:10

You can go places by yourself. It’s much better to go for a weekend away alone than tiptoe round on eggshells waiting for a nasty, selfish man to spoil it and make you miserable.

Kanaloa · 05/07/2021 20:12

I also wouldn’t say he’s socially awkward as such. I would think he’s actually quite aware of what he’s doing. In my experience socially awkward people are usually embarrassed and upset if they find out they have got it ‘wrong.’ They don’t tend to repeat horrible behaviours and deliberately upset people.

chickenyhead · 05/07/2021 20:15

Sitting on your side of the table is 100% deliberate.

chickenyhead · 05/07/2021 20:16

He is vile.

WimpoleHat · 05/07/2021 20:19

Oh God - I used to have a boyfriend who fancied himself as a wine buff and would send every single bottle back as “slightly corked”. He was a wanker. Sounds like Mr Wonderful compared to this guy, though. Op - you can do so much better!

PieceOfString · 05/07/2021 20:20

People who are socially awkward don't intrude on your privacy to take photo's they know you don't want taken and then minimise your feelings about it, knowing full well what they've done. Total twat. His behaviour suggests he despises you in some ways (cup of tea? course you do, you'd have nothing without him etc), and yet he sticks with it, so some part of him is getting some twisted satisfaction from his time with you. Maybe his ego is stroked by how he feels you rely on him and out up with his shit, even as he looks down on your preferences and rides rough-shod over your boundaries. He treats people who are in jobs that mean they can't push back like shit (hotel room changes etc etc) These are clues to his inner character. Your description gave me the ick in a major way.

Please please please, start to look for a support network elsewhere. There must surely be support groups for people with long term illnesses, you might actually find a bit of humanity then.

YeokensYegg · 05/07/2021 20:21

What type of illness do you have and is there support for it? I'm asking as someone who is disabled.

PieceOfString · 05/07/2021 20:22

@Kanaloa

I also wouldn’t say he’s socially awkward as such. I would think he’s actually quite aware of what he’s doing. In my experience socially awkward people are usually embarrassed and upset if they find out they have got it ‘wrong.’ They don’t tend to repeat horrible behaviours and deliberately upset people.
Absolutely. He's getting his kicks, not awkward.
VerticalHorizon · 05/07/2021 20:22

He is a cockwombling wanker. Official.

steppemum · 05/07/2021 20:24

Time to make new friends.

I don;t mean that lightly. But seriously, look round where you are with your mum. What is there that you might like to do? Choir? sewing group? Local historical society? Volunteer somewhere one day a week? Youth group? Guides? Charity Shop? Food bank? Are you a church goer? Local churches can be a great place ot meet people and get involved.

Get out and meet people, after a week or two, suggest a coffee, and start making new friends.
At the same time, treat yourself. Go away by yourself. Treat yourself to a massage or get your nails done, or just an air BnB overnight and a take away.
Plan trips into the city on your terms. Go shopping, or to an art gallery or market or take your mum there to do something.

You soudn lonely, and clinging to this man who knows that you need him. Change mindset. You don;'t need him, you need some friends and a new social group.

Crikeyalmighty · 05/07/2021 20:25

I know a woman like this who has a bloke running after her. A constant whinger

PieceOfString · 05/07/2021 20:27

He's not your partner - partners make their other halves feel like their best selves, that their interests, humour and preferences are valuable and worthy of respect. They pick you up when you're down, share in-jokes with you and sometimes do things they're not keen on just cos they know it would make you happy.
He is not this. Sadly, I think you've been around him so long you've stopped seeing it. I'm sorry your illness has cost you friends, that really sucks, but you are articulate and seem caring, I can't help but feel there must be other people in similar situations to you who would love to have you in their life. Do you think you could bring yourself to seek them out?

HumpHumpWhale · 05/07/2021 20:29

Well, if my husband thought one seat had a better view, he'd want me to sit in it - from the start of the meal. Not to inconvenience everyone else mid-meal so he could have it. He overall doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy, or wants to do things to make you happy.
Look, only you know how bad it is and whether this is a result of him being massively anxious or insecure or something like that, or if he just feels he's more important than everyone else, or wants to be. But he sounds pretty awful from what you've said here.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 20:53

You sound lovely OP, but he is a nasty horror.

Please don't become reliant on this awful excuse.

Flowers
Giraffe11 · 05/07/2021 21:21

He has a way too high opinion of himself and his importance. He is not socially awkward, he is a nasty bully who take pleasure from seeing other people squirm.

As lockdown eases you have the chance to seek out some new social opportunities where you can get out meet people, kind people who will be interested in you and not want to squash you at every opportunity.

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2021 21:32

Stop going away with him, stop seeing him

He sounds so negative and he’s not improving anything about your life

JustAnotherOldMan · 05/07/2021 21:34

Sounds like an absolute dick, the sort of man other men would probably avoid if they in the same pub

VerticalHorizon · 05/07/2021 21:39

@JustAnotherOldMan

Sounds like an absolute dick, the sort of man other men would probably avoid if they in the same pub
Yep, they make us cringe too.
wobblywinelover · 05/07/2021 21:41

Please don't waste your life on him OP. You'll be able to make friends and build a better life without him even if it will feel a bit strange for a while. You're settling. This guy is hardly the man of any woman's dreams - more like nightmares. He has you cornered thinking you won't leave him because of your circumstances, which is why he behaves like a tw*t because he knows you have limited choices. You can get away though, please try and do it, this guy will erode your sanity eventually with his miserable gaslighting control freak antics. Life is too short. Being single is great. If you meet a decent guy in the future than even better. Think forwards and upwards

TheDinosaurMum · 05/07/2021 21:45

Oh OP get rid of him.

If I were you I'd agree to another night in a hotel agree to meet there. And then say you are running late but let him check in. Then find out the room number and write the following note to slip under the door,

" Dear Ass hat,

You know you are never haply with the room or the food or the view, well today I decided the room was great, the food excellent but my proposed company was better left discarded. I've blocked you, don't contact me again.

Kind regards,
Your ex

But I'm a bitch and I like to dump people in style who are twats and wankers to me.🤷🏻‍♀️

sadie9 · 05/07/2021 23:13

"He tells me that if I didn't come to see him, I wouldn't go anywhere, and will be looking after my mum on my own. He is starting to make me feel very down about my life. I don't have any other friends left, and don't know who else would want to get involved with me."

Has it occurred to you that he might be contributing to your low mood and diminishing self-esteem? By saying those things to you, it makes you feel worthless and then that affects your behaviour, for example you are less likely to pick up the phone to a friend to chat and see how they are doing. I suspect he lovebombs you when it suits him but then is happy to make subtle horrible remarks to you to keep you feeling like if you leave him you'll have 'nothing'.
I get that he's currently the only 'entertainment' in town, but at what cost to yourself if he's running you into the ground?

Would you consider going to a counsellor for yourself?
It sounds like you have had a difficult time in the past couple of years. An objective therapist who is on your side might just help you see things differently so you can restore your life and get the confidence back to do things again.

marcapola · 06/07/2021 02:02

OP, can you get onto Facebook if you're not already on it and join some support groups for people with your condition? Unless it's incredibly rare there will very likely be something and you can chat and vent and make friends online and hopefully meet up with people at some point too. It doesn't sound like an easy situation for you but there are opportunities that exist today that didn't in the past. Your guy sounds like a dick, I agree. Sorry you feel you have to accept him due to your situation. You shouldn't have to.

Anordinarymum · 06/07/2021 02:13

He's a bully of the worst kind. I expect he paid for the hotel. He pays so he calls the shots. I would rather be alone than have a friend like this.

peanutttttt · 06/07/2021 05:36

Sounds like a dickhead.

Bogeyes · 06/07/2021 05:49

He's got no respect for anybody including you! Get rid...he's an idiot

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