What do you make of a man who ....

[EstherTW]

I'd value opinions of a relationship with a man I have been apart from a lot during the lockdowns, and am seeing now with fresher eyes.

We went away for a night. It was my first night away since Oct 2019, I was so pleased! Whenever we have stayed in a hotel, he insists we change rooms. There's always something wrong with the one we are given. He always waits until I have unpacked, and I find it mortifying watching him try to press the staff into giving us a 'better' room, when the one we had is perfectly nice, and having to listen to him trying to barter with the manager.

When we 're having dinner, at some point he decides the view is better from my seat, and wants to change chairs, or move his chair around to sit next to me. He will make the staff move everything on the table. I hate it.

In our room, thinking I will enjoy the hotel bathroom and have a lovely bath, I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke.

He will criticise, and then pretend he isn't. Example, we arrived and I mentioned wanting to have some tea. He said, 'of course you do', in a cold, dismissive way, as annoyed. If I respond, he says, 'what, I just, said of course you do', and denies it being critical.

I hope you can understand what I mean. We've been together for years, but we don't live together, and so were apart during the lockdown. We've spent time together in the past few months, but I don't feel very happy. This night away just seemed to display something.

I would really like to know what anyone thought.

Hi OP, just wanted to check you are ok. Everyone has responded pretty consistently and (rightly I think) concluded this guy's actions are indicative of unpleasantness. You talk so calmly in your posts it seems you are taking this very well, but given your circumstances this could well be a heavy blow to see him cast in this light.
I just wanted to make sure you know that people aren't just here to pull others down, if you need other support or a handhold all you have to do is ask (or people won't know).
The advantage of an anonymous forum is that you can be vulnerable and no-one in your rl is judging that. You mentioned it was your first post, so you know there are boards here for people sorting each other through disability etc (don't know what your illness is but you mention benefits tribunal, and the way it's changed your life, so it must be serious).
If you want to start a new era of positive change I'm sure the good folk of MN could at least signpost you and cheer you on.

Sorry you're in a tough situation, OP, and I can totally see why he gives you a change of scene from your normal life. But he's not a nice person, he's not nice to you or to others, and this won't lead to happiness. You deserve a break, but invest your time and effort in finding other social contacts. Best of luck with it.

He sounds a very unkind person who for some strange reason has an agenda to cause annoyance to everyone he encounters. Don’t get further involved. How can you enjoy life with someone like that. If you have explained how inappropriate his behaviour is and he is still the same well that is that.

A man full of his self importance . Let him live his happy life. Alone.

I'm sorry your illness has taken so much from your life, OP. One of my father's university friends developed MS and my father continued supporting him practically and emotionally until he died, including helping him with his benefits. What's your relationship with your parents been like, that you would accept a romantic relationship with someone like this and not expect more from your friends? You matter and are important and deserve respect and consideration from people.

His comments that if you didn't see him you would see no one are so classically abusive and designed to get you to continue accepting crap from him. Dump him and find new friends at a church or a choir or a sports club (if suitable for your health).

Honestly OP I don't think it's a coincidence that he came into your life at a low point. These people seem tohave an unfailing knack of sensing people who are vulnerable to their crap. Get rid, he will do nothing but drag you down x

@sadie9

"He tells me that if I didn't come to see him, I wouldn't go anywhere, and will be looking after my mum on my own. He is starting to make me feel very down about my life. I don't have any other friends left, and don't know who else would want to get involved with me."

Has it occurred to you that he might be contributing to your low mood and diminishing self-esteem? By saying those things to you, it makes you feel worthless and then that affects your behaviour, for example you are less likely to pick up the phone to a friend to chat and see how they are doing. I suspect he lovebombs you when it suits him but then is happy to make subtle horrible remarks to you to keep you feeling like if you leave him you'll have 'nothing'.
I get that he's currently the only 'entertainment' in town, but at what cost to yourself if he's running you into the ground?

Would you consider going to a counsellor for yourself?
It sounds like you have had a difficult time in the past couple of years. An objective therapist who is on your side might just help you see things differently so you can restore your life and get the confidence back to do things again.

I absolutely agree with sadie9. Your illness isolated you, and his behaviour ensures you stay isolated. He's very much the sort of person who 'punches down' - so he needs to keep you down.

"I had just been thinking that his actions in public places were embarrassing, not sinister. I hadn't thought that he was consciously trying to embarrass me, to upset me. I thought he was socially awkward, occasionally a bit of an idiot, and got things wrong. Do you really all see it as more than that?"
I absolutely do. Socially awkward is not a description I'd apply to him. He makes things socially awkward for those he comes into contact with, but that's a very different thing and he himself feel no awkwardness - I suspect he absolutely relishes making others (you, hotel staff, waiters) feel awkward with his boorish behaviour.

"So, that is why I put up with it. I hadn't been around it for a while (not travelling to see him during lockdowns, for my health protection, and my mum's), and it suddenly seemed so much worse!"
Have you thought about why having a break from him made his behaviour seem so much worse when reintroduced to it? I'd guess it was the contrast between normality, and him. He presumably picked up with his drip-drip-drip of poison where he left off; but having not been 'poisoned' for a while, it was all the more noticeable. He acclimatised you to being treated badly. Not having been treated badly for a while, it's more noticeable. I doubt his behaviour was worse, it was just that you could see it more easily.

@PieceOfString

Hi OP, just wanted to check you are ok. Everyone has responded pretty consistently and (rightly I think) concluded this guy's actions are indicative of unpleasantness. You talk so calmly in your posts it seems you are taking this very well, but given your circumstances this could well be a heavy blow to see him cast in this light. I just wanted to make sure you know that people aren't just here to pull others down, if you need other support or a handhold all you have to do is ask (or people won't know). The advantage of an anonymous forum is that you can be vulnerable and no-one in your rl is judging that. You mentioned it was your first post, so you know there are boards here for people sorting each other through disability etc (don't know what your illness is but you mention benefits tribunal, and the way it's changed your life, so it must be serious). If you want to start a new era of positive change I'm sure the good folk of MN could at least signpost you and cheer you on.

You have such a lovely heart 😊

Absolutely, you are worth 10 of that twat.

My mental health isn't the best and I don't know many people @EstherTW , but I dumped my ex and it was so good for my wellbeing.

You might think this bloke is enhancing your life but I bet you'd actually feel a lot better without him.

@PieceOfString thank you for that considered and kind response. You are right that it is a surprise to see the opinions of all the posters, and it has given me a lot to think about all of a sudden! I didn't see these actions in the way you ladies seem to, not at the time.

Thank you all again for your replies and input. My boyfriend and I have been together for some years, and he didn't always make me unhappy or seem unkind. We had a lot in common, shared interests, and enjoyed things together. There have been things about his behaviour to me that have made me unhappy every now and again, and I think it has gathered pace over the years. I had thought of it as, 'why has he changed?' rather than, 'has he always been like that?'.

I don't mean to go over ground already covered, but you're making me remember many things with a different focus. I do remember one of the first times we met up and I was late. My train was delayed. One of those times when it isn't one big event, but lots of little stop-starts, pauses at red lights, so the minutes add up without your really noticing them. When I got off, I called him, and he was furious. He told me I was rude, that I should have called him from the train to update him. I told him the train was crowded, I didn't have any information, I waited until I got off, but he was still furious. I remember thinking, oh, I must have been wrong about that, perhaps I should have called even when I didn't know what was happening, for him to be so angry. Now I'm thinking, was I wrong? That's the first time I remember him being angry with me.

When I last saw him, he kept mentioning that I never apologise, and think I am perfect. I didn't think I had anything to apologise for. That incident was, i had my iPod with me at his home, and he told me it was interfering with his WiFi and stopping him working from home. I didn't see how it could ( I was resting, listening to an audiobook), but he took it out my bag and changed the settings on it when I wasn't looking. I got angry with him, and he said alright, I shouldn't have done that, but you never apologise for anything.

I was thinking that he had changed during the lockdown, that he had been unhappy during the pandemic, on his own a lot, and maybe he was taking it out on me. When we argued recently, he punched a pillow while he was talking to me in a way that scared me, and said, what are you upset about, it's just a pillow. I'm now putting these recent things together with some older memories too.

I'd love to know what anyone thought! It really is helping. How do you look back at things with helpful perspective, not just brooding or complaining, but trying to see them fairly?

One way to look back at them is to think whether you would react like that to a friend or a boyfriend if he did it. Would you treat someone like he treats you? What advice would you give if it was your friend and she was telling you her boyfriend did this?

Ok firstly the train situation. I'd be worried where you were more than angry. Bit of an over reaction.

Regarding the pillow punching and you feeling scared... I do think that this is a massive red flag. Violence and control escalate over time. I'm sure there will be along soon who knows more about this than me.

I understand that in your situation it may be hard to end it. But things are opening up now and there may be other opportunities to meet new friends and partners. Love can be so much better than this!

So the punching the pillow is him upping the ante.

That's him sending you a message that he could do that to you.

That he has such a lack of control towards you that he would like to hurt you.

This is a very very nasty abusive man.

He has been like that a long time.

I have NO doubt that if you were living with him you would have been pushed and shoved by now.

OP,
Please ring Woman's Aid and have a chat with someone.

You need to end this and move on with your life.

He doesn't even like you.
He actively DISLIKES you.

He is a bundle of fury that he hasn't you cowering.

He wants you constantly apologising and the pillow punching is that he is barely holding his anger in.

You have had lots of posters pointing it out to you.

Up to you now.

He doesn't sound very nice op, I'd go so far as controlling.

God he’s awful. Nasty, controlling, arrogant bully. The term ‘narcissist’ is thrown about very lightly these days but looking at his behaviour in hotels, I wouldn’t be surprised if he fits that diagnosis.
Fear of loneliness can be a big driver, but also skews one’s perspective. Please call it a day, he is only going to make you very scared and unhappy.
You may feel anyone is better than no-one, it’s not.
Spend some time looking at organisations you can join for friendship or shared interests and who knows who fate might throw your way! Regain some self-respect and self-esteem and move on and be sure to block him.
Best wishes for a better future x

"When we argued recently, he punched a pillow while he was talking to me in a way that scared me, and said, what are you upset about, it's just a pillow."

But it wasn't 'just' a pillow. It was a signal of intent, that making him angry was a bad thing to do, and you'd better watch your step little girl and not argue back again or this pillow could well be you. That's why you were scared - because he was doing his damnedest to scare you, whilst maintaining deniability. He likes deniability. He used it in that bathroom scenario - "He would come into the bathroom, try to take photos of me. He knows I won't want that, pretends he thinks its a joke."

And this was recent. So yes, I'd say his behaviour is escalating. You need to never be alone with this man. Dump, dump, dump.

@IceLace100 do you know, it never occurred to me before you said that, but it would be more usual to be worried what had happened to someone! Being angry about my manners and impoliteness for not phoning was an odd way to react. I think, maybe, there wasn't any real reason for him to be angry, it was just the flimsiest of excuses.

Your replies have given me a lot to think about.
I do find it hard to imagine him actually being violent, but then I had never thought of his actions as controlling or narcissistic. I didn't think he was trying to embarrass me, just that I was embarrassed.

seems to me you're in the classic frog-in-water position. Things are getting slowly worse and you're slowly getting more uncomfortable.

But a turning point was when you were scared. There's no coming back from that really.

Where is the trust and the mutual support in your relationship? the sense that he's got your back (and ofc, that you have his?)

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP, but it's totally understandable. It's hard to hold onto or make friends and often it seems the only option for having a social life is with a partner, even if that partner is less than ideal. Do not waste time beating yourself up for being with a controlling partner. Lots of us have been there!

Do:
Call Women's Aid. Speak to someone experienced. It is a huge help.
Look elsewhere for friends. I know it's very slow, but keep trying. There are so many nice people out there who won't be abusive wankers like this guy.
Keep talking to us if you want to. I gathered the strength to leave my abusive marriage partly from reading the good sense and compassion on here.

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve to be treated this way!

One of my exes was almost this to a tee he lasted three months as a partner i got to the stage where i dreaded him coming to mine , he used to take me out for a meal and then embarrass the life out of me the way he treated staff, he was very charming and intelligent but omg i got to absolutely dislike him so do yourself a favour being single is better than going round on egg shells

[quote EstherTW]@IceLace100 do you know, it never occurred to me before you said that, but it would be more usual to be worried what had happened to someone! Being angry about my manners and impoliteness for not phoning was an odd way to react. I think, maybe, there wasn't any real reason for him to be angry, it was just the flimsiest of excuses.[/quote]
I think worried would be a much more normal reaction OP for sure.

Hope you've seen some of his behaviour in a new light. Hope you're feeling safe and calm this evening and sending love x

@EstherTW sadly this is an escalating situation. If he is narcissistic (which sounds extremely plausible) then he'll be getting a lot of pleasure out of the way he treats you, and the more you acquiesce to his rudeness, the bigger he feels inside. He is selfish, has no empathy and feels nothing but power. It's a grim combination and I've been there. I tried everything to make him happy, to please him, but I was belittled and gaslit at every turn. But please be warned that they hate it when you try to break up with them (because you, their 'supply', are not supposed to wield the power). Suddenly they're totally lovely, promising the earth, saying all the things that you want to hear. And so the cycle starts again. It took me 18 months to get out and it's a horrible place to be in but please start planning an escape. Keep posting here for support too.

There are lots of useful information sources out there. www.insider.com/how-to-spot-if-youre-dating-a-narcissist-2020-7