What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

The issue is always how much "down" time each of you have. That should be equal, though I'd hazard a guess it rarely is.
If you are doing a full time job at home just now, how can you add in a part time job on top of that without him picking up some extra jobs? It's best too if the jobs are ones he has sole responsibility for; otherwise you just end up mentally managing it too.
Being at home with a school age child would be easier than being home with a toddler, one thing I would do if you haven't already is make sure he gets experience of having your dd alone at the weekend sometimes.

I'm the biggest feminist you can imagine, but I think it sounds a good division of labour. The only issue I would have would be if all money coming into the house wasn't seen as family money and you didn't have equal access to it, afterall, you BOTH work.

If you are struggling, just lower your standards, life doesn't have to be perfect.

You will have lots of people saying yabu because SAHPs should do all the work at home but if you are in work mode 100% of the time and he is not that isn't fair. Additionally in a relationship that is meant to be living and supportive I don't understand why, if a partner says they can't manage everything (whatever that means), the other thinks it's OK to say essentially 'tough shit it's your job'. There is no categorical right and wrong in this situation but I think there should be give and take in family relationships. Otherwise it goes tits up imo.

Oh, and I would put effort into cracking the sleep issues if at all possible (sometimes they don't seem to be). It might just be that you're exhausted because of this.

I think it sounds like a reasonably fair division of labour, although it will need adjustment when you do go back to work.

The issue is that once one person is fully in charge of every aspect of a child's life, with the other person only doing delegated activities that don't require planning (like bathtime) it's very hard to redistribute this. And having full responsibility for a child (which may turn into more dc in the future) is a massive responsibility and a big mental load).

Seems a fair system, at the moment. It can be adjusted if you go back to work, outside the home.

If you can solve the sleep issue, life will get less tiring.

I'd also give up on the hoovering and dusting at the weekend. Try to relax a bit more and make the weekend time off as much as you can.

Situation normal, I would say. He works a 40 hour week earning money doing his job. You work a 40 hour week attending to the home. He does at least get involved doing some of the chores. Maybe your standards are too high? You could go out for an afternoon at the weekend if you wanted but I don't suppose you want to go cycling for 3 hours? Maybe go to the cinema on a Sunday afternoon and leave him with the dd?

It sounds as if you’re struggling with the mental load and having to be the “manager” of the house.

Personally it does sound like a fair division of work through the week, although if he has said that it’s your “job” as you aren’t working, you both should be working equally through the weekend. If he deserves a weekend off from his work, you do too.

It's fair now. When you go back to work it will need tweaking.
(Also a feminist and was a sahm for 3 years too. Best thing I ever did was go back to work- much less exhausting!)

I think it's a fair division (I have a husband who is very useful and hands on in terms of parenting and housework).

The only things I would suggest -

1. He does one weekend overnight care of dd - fri or sat. You will then get a night to sleep right through.

1. If his cycling is absent weekly/monthly habit then you should carve out a similar regular slot to yourself for the same amount of time

1. Aim to get as much housework done midweek so you dont have to do any at the weekend. But if any does crop up - either share it or send the two of them off to the park and do it in a quiet house

The fact that he doesn't see much changing when the OP goes back to work is concerning.

If you are struggling, just lower your standards, life doesn't have to be perfect.

Exactly this. Because when your children are grown you'll realise the only thing that mattered was spending time with them

@Iggi999

The fact that he doesn't see much changing when the OP goes back to work is concerning.

The OPs PT work is shift work. So he will be home with dd for good chunks of time. He is just going to have to do stuff.

OP, when you go back to work, please do not fall into the habit of preparing the change bag/meals/clothes on the days you are at work. His day - his job.

Hmm okay. It seems that the majority of posters seem to think that its a fair division of labour, that I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off. Is it still my job then to do all the washing/ironing/sorting out DD?

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7 currently with the sleep regression, often I'm still tidying/sorting/cooking well past 7/8 at night. I used to run prior to having DD but now I don't seem to have any time to do that, but DH regularly has time to go cycling for several hours.

This is also his home where he lives, why shouldn't he do some sort of contribution to its up keep? Or have I got this totally wrong?

Equal sleep time (bit extra for the one not getting their sleep all in one go), equal time off.

After that, when you are all together, he needs to do some of the thinking. If you go out together, he can pack the bag. If he is doing bath time and you're running out of soap, he can put it on the shopping list/online shopping basket. He doesn't get to cherry pick all the fun jobs or the non-planning jobs. He could meal-plan while you load the washing machine perhaps. Or whatever is making you feel like you're carrying all the mental load.

@PoseyFlump

If you are struggling, just lower your standards, life doesn't have to be perfect.

Exactly this. Because when your children are grown you'll realise the only thing that mattered was spending time with them

I do spend loads of time with her. We do an activity or class or have a playdate every day.

Cross-posted. No, that's not right. You get equal time off/exercise time. Make a list of what needs doing and how long it takes, including nights and his job, and split it equally, paying attention to mental effort.

I had to do it all for years as I was a single mum working 40 hours a week and no family.
There were weeks when my standards slipped, if things were not done then tough.
I put our weekend fun before anything else, no housework was done at the weekend.

He may think that taking your child to an activity class doesn't count as work. It does, if you'd have to pay some one to do it if you weren't there, then its work!

I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off

He feeds her dinner, bathes her, and puts her to bed every night.

I don’t think it’s ok that he sits down while you clean etc. I think it’s fair to do what you can during the day, but then the stuff that hasn’t got done yet needs to be split. I don’t think functioning adults sit on their bum whilst someone cleans up around them - you both pitch in, and then it’s done.

I’d expect him to do 50% once you’re working full time and something close to that if you’re doing reasonable part time hours when you go back. If you do nights then he really needs to do more.

I think also more generally - no matter what is ‘fair’, if one half of a team is struggling, the other half needs to step up. This isn’t a transaction it’s a relationship and there needs to be give and take from both.

Your weeks may be fair, but the weekends are not sounding fair

Thanks to everyone for the replies. Sorry if I am a bit combative, I was up until 3am with DD last night and I've got a minor medical procedure this afternoon which I'm worried about so I'm bit tearful/upset.

I suppose I just feel that I am basically being treated as a nanny/maid/personal assistant rather than a mother/wife. He works 40 hours in his job, comes home and does maybe an hour of child care work. Whereas I feel that I'm doing double that. This does not feel like a partnership or that I am supported or valued in any way.