What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

@Bodgers

Btw if you’re going back to work then everything needs to be divided up much more equally. Maybe consider getting a cleaner to ease your load?

No offence to you at all Bodger as I know you are just trying to help OP be in a better situation herself, but suggestions of a cleaner really annoy me!!

Why is it always the woman either does it or she needs a cleaner? OP wouldn't have to do it all or have a cleaner if her DH would help in the actual work involved in the maintenance and running of his own house.

Just because he currently pays the bills doesn't mean he's absolved of washing his clothes or cooking dinner for his family or cleaning the bathroom he uses every single day of his life. But he seems to think that's the case, and so do many here. It's just not fair. OP is not working currently to care for their child, not to be his maid of all work.

Comparatively, in the early years when I was WFH but v.part time, I did literally everything & the idea of my partner doing bath & bedtime every evening would be a literal dream - he worked mental hours. So I did all of that plus what you do. Saying that,
a) it's ridiculous if you don't have any down time, like part of Sunday morning or something to just do something for you, and
b) when you work PT this HAS to change and he has to do more.

I don't like the fact he just says 'its your job'. That's not on at all. But if he operates heavy machinery & you are currently SAHM the current division of labor (though it shouldn't be taken for granted) is ok.

It seems more than fair, he is shouldering the entire financial burden so the house stuff should fall to the person home not working. Unless a huge house it doesn’t take 40 hours a week to keep on top off.
Many adults run a house, parent and manage a full time job on top of it all.
If you return to work it should be split based on hours worked so if you also do 40 then 50/50 but if less then it’s only fair more house tasks fall to the person doing less hours at work.

Thanks to everyone for their interesting and differing replies. Lots to think about.

"@gillysSong A SAHM is that, the provider of the childs needs.
Nursey workers aren't doing housework too".

Eh? Are you joking??!! Every nursery worker i know has their own children and home to manage. Works full time, looking after other peoples kids, providing high level and loving care to others children, in order to pay their bills and support their own children and , does their own housework. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Dear God, the deliberately obtuse are out in force to-day.

@girl71 - can you really not understand the point or are you trying to annoy us all???? Nursery workers do not do the housework for the OP"s DH!!!! So if the child was in a nursery, the OP's DH would still have to clean, cook and wash (or obviously he would think he did not have to since he seems to believe - like many men - that once a woman becomes a mother, she becomes his mother too.) And he is therefore absolved of all the chores a normal adult would do for themselves, like cooking a dinner; washing their clothes; grocery shopping.

But go ahead, pat yourself on the back, you are another of the MN women who seemingly hate SAHMs. And believe they are also the servant of the man who "earns the money" .

"@gillysSong I only did housework if child napping. A SAHM is that, the provider of the childs needs".

Jesus , Mary and Joseph. I bet ye house was minging dirty then @gilly. Could you manage anything else while your child was awake?

It doesn't answer the question of division but have you tried The Organised Mum Method (TOMM)? Half an hour a day, 4 days a week plus a fifth day doing more of the occasional jobs in a particular room. If I'm honest, it's more like an hour of work total if you're doing it by yourself but the list of jobs really helps with focus and I found I needed to do less and less each week. It reached a stage where I could comfortably invite people over without having to run around cleaning like a mad woman.

"@Annasgirl @girl71 - can you really not understand the point or are you trying to annoy us all???? Nursery workers do not do the housework for the OP"s DH!!!! "

Agreed. I was not saying that . I was responding to @gillysSong .

Can you really not understand that i was quoting, tagging and referring to a poster who was not the OP. Are you trying to annoy me @Annasgirl by not reading or understanding my post?

"@Annasgirl can you really not understand the point or are you trying to annoy us all???? Nursery workers do not do the housework for the OP"s DH!!!! "

I never said they did. I challenged this. I stood up for nursery carers. By jeezus get some bifocals @Annasgirl and read what i said.

[quote Veronika13]@Bibidy 'I honestly think spending day after day with a young child is more intense and tiring than most jobs, and it must be even worse if you're up through the night with them as well.'

Then get a nanny and go back to work? At least part time? If SAHM is not as lovely and fulfilling, but tiring and intense - what's the point? I thought the biggest argument for SAHMs was to bond with the child and spend precious first years together.
If that's as miserable as you describe, then change your situation. [/quote]
A lot of SAHPs are at home out of necessity, not choice due to the high cost of childcare being more than their wage. That's certainly the case with us. Luckily, me and DH have taken it in turns being the SAHP so neither of our careers have taken a massive hit over the other. And we both have respect for the one at home, as we know how shit it can be and both would rather be the one out working.

[quote girl71]"**@gillysSong I only did housework if child napping. A SAHM is that, the provider of the childs needs".

Jesus , Mary and Joseph. I bet ye house was minging dirty then @gilly. Could you manage anything else while your child was awake?

[/quote]
Yes, of course I could, but preferred time with the dc during their waking hours. If they napped well, yes, I'd get something done. Then both did anything else at night. Never went past 7ish and the rest was our time.
I don't see what's so unusual about that.

I don't think it's fair at all.

He has set hours for work and when he's done, he's done.
He comes home and does what he wants knowing that OP has covered it all.

He just walks out and goes cycling when he feels like it. I'm sure he doesn't ask or have to make any arrangements to do it. He just does it. You are basically on call 24/7. Can you just walk out the door when he's home and say I'm off for a run or something?

He gets to feed DD which OP has cooked and prepared. All he has to do is give it to her. Then bath which OP already has sorted out clothing, soap, clean bed clothes so all he has to do is put DD in the bath and wash her and dry her off with the clean towel provided by OP and get her dressed with the clothes that OP has washed and put away and put DD into bed in which OP has already cleaned and made up and will clean and make up again before bedtime. Does he take DD soiled clothing and put them in the hamper and rinse out or wipe down the tub or is it left for OP to do?

He does the washing up for 3 people for one meal. Hopefully he dries and puts it all away and not leave it half done for OP to finish.

If your DH lived by himself, he would have to work full time and then cook his own meals, clean the house, do laundry, shop, etc. anyway. He would have to do it all so why is it that you are home caring for a baby has it become your job to do it all?

Have you posted about him before?

"@gillysSong Nursey workers aren't doing housework too.".

And who is doing nursery workers housework while they are nursery working?

Surely you both do your own responsibility during the 40 hours and then you share the rest of the time?
So if you have time to clean during the week, go for it, if not, you share it at the weekend.
Prep for nursery, evening meal, hanging the wash up that was put on at 4pm, putting away the one that was hung up at 10 am - all evening jobs.
More irregular jobs like bills and birthdays - either pick your area of expertise or 50/50 as they are not daily and unlike e.g. cleaning you could never outsource them.

[quote girl71]"@gillysSong Nursey workers aren't doing housework too.".

And who is doing nursery workers housework while they are nursery working? [/quote]
I think the point is more that looking after little children is a full-time job in itself, and someone who worked in a nursery (or a childminder may be more apt I guess) would only be focused on that during their working hours, and wouldn't be expected to also fit in housework etc during that time.

They would, of course, need to do their own housework/ washing/ cooking etc when they have finished work, but this is the exact situation both OP and her DH are in? Just because OP is putting in her 40+ hours looking after a 2yo all day (and a big portion of the night by the sounds of it) doesn't mean she deserves to have to pick up more of the housework than her DH.

@NonShallot

Being the sah person is bloody hard work organising the mental load and everything else.

It never ends does it

Me and dh both work full time opposite hours so we both tag team and do the daily shit etc.
Il put a load of washing on before I go to work and Hel hang it out or tumble dry it when he's up from sleep after his night shift.

On the days I finish for school pick up I tend to do pack ups tea showers and organising etc but dh will also be sorting out feeding animals putting hoover round etc

Neither of us have had an attitude of the worker does nothing etc even when I was furloughed for four months I still had home schooling with two dc which was hard plus all the usual daily things as well as the mental load but dh would chip in each day etc.

I do have the odd week where I feel like I'm picking up all the slack and il remind dh it's not on and it works.

However I think your dh has a shitty attitude towards the roles in the house.

Don't make a big deal of it with him but just tel him your off out for a run when he's doing the bath and bed time.
Be assertive. Tell him your going. Don't ask

He can't really say anything if he's out cycling loads.

Organise just to go for a coffee even on your own on a weekend day when he's back from cycling.
If he moans about it taking family time tell him to drop one of the weekend mornings then so you can go then.

Your child was created by two people not one.

No it isn't fair. What is fair is that you look after your DD and do what else you can when he's at work.

When he's home you share childcare and chores equally and you both get equal downtime. Otherwise you're always 'on' and don't get any switch off.

I'm another one who says unfortunately it IS your job. I worked in a very demanding job when the children were young, until 10-11pm, I would get home and do night feeds etc.

But I only took 6 months maternity leave, no way I would stay home. Go back ASAP and find a nanny/nursery.

Tell him you're going to get a bike. You'll have to have equal cycling time to him so work out a schedule for how he'll manage childcare when it's your turn to escape.
That might make him see sense.
He's being Neanderthal. As are some posters on this thread.

When I was a SAHM we had a cleaner, because DH regarded my "job" as looking after the DC, not the house. Obviously, there was still general tidying up done throughout the week, but the "big clean" was outsourced!

The issue seems to be that you're not working as a team at the weekends. We tend to go for 'I'll clean the bathroom so can you occupy DD and then we'll swap and you hoover round' kind of approach. I'm the organiser but we both facilitate.

The key for me is that I became a SAHM knowing how supportive DH is. He's always pulled his weight and showed me when I was on mat leave what kind of parent and husband he will be in our new set up as a family, not just a partnership. Had he not done this I would have made different decisions about work and family. Being honest? I wouldn't have married or had a child with him if I didn't know this about him already. We are happy because he sees us as equals and he does more than others because it benefits us all as a team and wants us all to be happy.

@NonShallot

Hmm okay. It seems that the majority of posters seem to think that its a fair division of labour, that I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off. Is it still my job then to do all the washing/ironing/sorting out DD?

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7 currently with the sleep regression, often I'm still tidying/sorting/cooking well past 7/8 at night. I used to run prior to having DD but now I don't seem to have any time to do that, but DH regularly has time to go cycling for several hours.

This is also his home where he lives, why shouldn't he do some sort of contribution to its up keep? Or have I got this totally wrong?

Why do you so housework on the weekend? We have one DC, both work FT, the we tidy the kitchen and do some gardening but we don’t di hoovering/dusting/ironing. Maybe you are going a bit OTT.

Of course you should have free time. What are you doing for that? Meeting friends, going to gym, asking DH to let you gave lie-ins?

Agree with PPs if you don’t work, you would be in charge of the housework. To reverse your question, why shouldn’t you be contributing to financial situation in your household? On days my DH is off I fully expect him to take charge of childcare/meals/tidying etc. when I work FT.

Also if your DC is at nursery won’t you have free time then?
Surely you are not spending the WHOLE day cleaning and ironing and organising? Seems baffling to me.

As a former SAHM with a husband who was out of the house 13 hours a day, it seems to me that you feel undervalued more than you are actually overloaded.

I know it’s feels like hard work but you’ve only got one child, and in terms of life admin for the kids, there’s much less than eg when they start school, sports, clubs etc…. Much less!! Again it many not feel like it, but they also actually make more mess as they get older not less. It’s just a different kind of mess.

You say he does dinner bath and bedtime every night, I think that sounds like a huge help, my DH never did any of that at all. What do you do during this time and what do you both do together in the evening? Seems like a great balance.

I’d personally suggest trying to find ways to be a bit more efficient. Make one dinner for all of you, even if DD eats earlier. She’s old enough to eat what you eat. Outsource what you can, cleaning especially.. and ironing. In fact I never ironed at all!! Everything folded as soon as out of the tumble drier and it’s fine. Cleaner irons DH’s shirts or he does them himself.

It sounds like his comments have prompted this more than the actual situation. I’d feel the same way if that were the case, but in terms of the general share, what you’re doing is (with a few tweaks) really not too bad