What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

During the week you should be doing it all. I do as a sahm. Everything related to the house, life admin and the child. At the weekend everything should be 50:50. He works a 5 day week, no way you should be working 7 days.

If that’s his logic, fair enough. It’s your job for 40 hrs a week too then.
What’s going on for the rest of time?

Er he's paying the mortgage so he's contributing to its upkeep.

You said he would have your DD on a weekend to give you an afternoon off so I'm not sure how that's changed to you don't have any time for yourself over a very short thread.

My dh and I both work ft and neither of us do any housework til 7/8 at night!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off

He feeds her dinner, bathes her, and puts her to bed every night.

Sorry, I shall amend that to I do about 98% of everything

I will point out that I make her dinner for her whilst he will sit and supervise her eating

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.
This is not cool. What do if you are working an evening that didn’t count as work? This attitude makes him sound like he will always find some reason for you and your time to matter less and be spent doing housework. You will have to make some major changes here.
For now, it’s not too bad except for his attitude which would have me slinging rocks at him, and it doesn’t sound like equal leisure time. Can you decide to go for a run every weekend from now on? Don’t ask, just change and say I’m off for a run, don’t forget to feed dd breakfast / lunch. And if he gets shitty about this you have real problems. Some responses you may need ‘you never ask to go cycling, you just go.’ ‘You don’t work weekends, why am I the only one on duty 24/7? I signed up to have a partner for life and parenting and that’s not what’s happening.’ ‘Why are you upset at having to feed your child? That’s what parents do.’ ‘So you don’t think I should I get to get for a run for several YEARS after we jointly decided to have a baby? What do you think your friends would think about that? You never warned me when we were planning a baby that you meant for me to never have time to myself to exercise again.’ ‘Were you always this selfish and I never noticed before?’

The week sounds ok, but the weekends don't. His job is 5 days a week, when do you get your break?

Slightly different as I have 2 children so during nap times for the youngest I spend some 1-1 time with the eldest as well as housework.

The general approach we have agreed is that my priority is childcare, I then try to do as much other stuff on top as I can. What's left gets split between us when DH isn't working. I do most of the stuff but not all and if the kids have been harder one week my DH doesn't moan about doing more housework. We are a team.

@StMarysKettle

Er he's paying the mortgage so he's contributing to its upkeep.

You said he would have your DD on a weekend to give you an afternoon off so I'm not sure how that's changed to you don't have any time for yourself over a very short thread.

He will occasionally have her for an afternoon if I ask him. Its not every weekend, maybe once every 8 weeks or so when I need a break. Every other weekend we are doing stuff as a family but it is me organising things, booking stuff, suggesting where to go or what to do

This is vs him cycling twice a week in the evenings and both Saturday and Sunday mornings up until lunch time

I don’t think it’s fair unless you can manage to do everything you do during his working hours.

DH tried to tell me it’s all my job as I’m a sahm until I pointed out that mine’s 24/7 and his is only 45 hours a week. I don’t mind doing the lions share of household crap, but there’s no way he’s going to sit on his arse watching tv and making more mess for me to deal with whilst I wrangle our DTs and everything else because he is lucky enough to work outside the home.

It’s taken many arguments time but he does do housework stuff, we get equal time off (which isn’t much) and I no longer want to murder him.

I’d definitely recommend lowering your standards if they’re high and fighting for equal leisure time otherwise it’s unfair.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

My dh and I both work ft and neither of us do any housework til 7/8 at night!

Yes but do you both do the house work jointly after you've both been working FT, or is it just down to you whilst your husband sits watching the TV, or playing on his phone?

Lack of sleep makes a big difference; everything feels 10 times harder than it normally does.

Leaving the sleep aside, I'd suggest that you should split tasks in evening (which it sounds like you do) and weekends (which it sounds like you do, but unfairly weighted towards you?). However, these times should be spent on childcare and incidental housework (i.e. you need to cook if you want a meal, but you don't need to do a full deep clean of the house) only.

I'd also suggest that you look at what you are doing. Are your standards too high? Of course 2 year olds generate mess, but it sounds like you might be doing more cleaning than is really required (I wouldn't be hoovering or dusting at the weekend either, if these things had been done regularly during the week).

Surely you don't need to do much housework at the weekend, if it's been done during the week? Only 3 of you living there, and DH is out the house a lot.

I think the division in the week sounds totally fair, you just need to make sure you take your break at the weekends.

Sounds fair to me. Not saying its right but I did all the things you do and more whilst working.

I agree it would sound fair for you to work (childcare / admin / housekeeping etc) for 40 hours a week, then anything beyond that should be shared out equally. You are definitely working and deserve some time off. It’s not fair if he buggers off evenings and weekends on his bike - that way you are working overtime and not getting any compensation. Hope your medical thing goes ok

The thing is, I don't mind doing all the house work etc. I know that is the trade off with being able to stay home with DD for two years.

My issue is the lack of time to myself, and the fact that I am still washing/cleaning/carrying the mental load even on weekends, when he does nothing. As PP has said, he works 5 days a week, I am working 7.

Start going for a run when he's feeding her doing bath time etc. Also start booking things for weekends like lunch with a friend etc.

Tell him 'can you pack the bag please'

It's hard because you probably want him to offer these things off his own back but he's possibly just not thinking about it after being at work or doesn't realise there is an issue.

Just explain when you go back to work he'll have to do more.

Maybe stop organising anything you don’t love, just try and take on less too. If he wants that fun active family life he can contribute to planning it. My dh has arranged the dcs haircut for Saturday, us visiting his brother Sunday afternoon and catching up with friends Sunday lunch this weekend (we both work ft so not exactly comparable but he’s always had to pull his weight weekends and evenings )

It’s his attitude that’s disgusting. I do about 98% of everything too but that’s because dh works about 60 hrs a week and I work part time. He will do bits when he’s around and never says it’s my job.

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7

Lots of that 24/7 parenting is easy and frequently great fun. Activity groups and play dates every day - it's not comparable to the heavy machinery stuff your DH is doing in his work day. You have to change your perspective on what is downtime, it doesn't need to be child-free

You only have one child. Parenting is a steep learning curve and your first child is always the one where you learn to parent 24/7 - which is a hard adjustment.

But (speaking as a SAHM of 4), your life with an only child will be easy peasy. I'd live to go back to only having one, the time is have! You cannot expect to have that perspective though.

I would be clearer with him about what you need. Maybe set up a house calendar so you can schedule in ‘going for a run’ or ‘night out with friends’. Joining a gym could be good as you can grab a coffee or go with a friend.

You tell your partner that while you are happy to do all the childcare and most of the chores in the week when they are working, it needs to be split at the weekend so that includes: putting a wash on, cooking a meal, tidying and childcare.

Make a list of what you’ll do and what they will. I did this and realised I was sorting out every bill, all car stuff, all house repairs, kids clothing/activities/education/medical and doing 50% of the more visible chores like cooking/cleaning/garden. Partner thought they were pulling their weight as they were doing the visible chores but had no idea about the life admin, sharing that out helped as it was less responsibility.

@TheShriekingCrow

It’s his attitude that’s disgusting. I do about 98% of everything too but that’s because dh works about 60 hrs a week and I work part time. He will do bits when he’s around and never says it’s my job.

Thank you for your understanding. I think its the thoughtlessness and lack of consideration that it really getting me down. I don't mind doing 98% of the home/childcare work, but it would be nice if occasionally he thought, hmm the wash basket is full, maybe I'll pop a wash on. Rather than just cramming more stuff in so the lid doesn't shut!

Op ,i wonder if this is less about division of labour and more about life changes. Your DH's life has remained largely the same since DD but , yours has changed completely. I wonder if you going back to work now would benefit you. These changes can cause resentment. I used to be a SAHM mum with 2, when they were very little and did everything. I felt bored and frustrated and went back to full time work . I was much happier in myself and generally chores and DC's baths etc were shared. My (now ex ) DH did work shifts , so some weeks i was working FT and doing 100% of everything but i was happier in my self. I do not think you sound combative but i do think you sound fed up, frustrated and bored. I think this is more about how your life has changed significantly where your DH's has stayed the same. Definitely take some time for yourself with a sport of hobby. Anything to get you away from the hse and on yr own for a time.

Then take some more time for yourself!

I'm a SAHM and do everything too. But I'm fine with that as I also get to do what I want a lot of the time.

Just let him know that tomorrow you are going out for the afternoon and go have a nice time.

Why are you doing so much in the evenings if you are home all day?

We all eat together at 5.30. No cooking 2 meals. Kids eat what we eat. Dishwasher gets loaded and kids tidy up their toys etc. Then we alternate nights to put them to bed.

There's nothing to do in the evenings if you have spent the day doing housework.

A non sleeper is a killer though I've been there. It makes life seem so much worse then it is.
I'd spend sometime getting DD to sleep better.

I’ll never understand how much cleaning ironing washing can be created in these threads? DH and I work full time so have to find the time outside of working hours and commutes to do all our life admin, and it never takes as long as these threads make out? Washing for a family of three = twice a week, three when there is a towel/bedding wash: takes the grand total of time to put washing in machine, set to wash at a certain time, then the length of time to put washing into dryer/on the line depending on weather, fuck the ironing right off (but we take responsibility for our clothes which need ironing) and time taken to put clothes away. Cleaning the house is done in fortnightly sweeps, bathrooms cleaned weekly but thats a quick spray wipe and bleach, hoover comes out ad hoc maybe for 20 mins (length of battery) every three days, kitchen cleaned down every night and dishwasher emptied every morning. DC taken to nursery, all life admin squared blah blah blah. And yet we still have time at the weekend to do things, have our own hobbies etc. If one of us was at home full time I genuinely would wonder how much cleaning was being done when what we do at the moment is perfectly adequate, and is clearly not anywhere near fulltime hour equivalent.