What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

@TreeSmuggler

I'm the first to call out lazy fathers on here but I have to agree that the weekdays do seem fair. He takes over at dcs dinner time (5.30? 6?) so you are "off the clock" after that. As for the dinner, bath and bedtime routine being easy and enjoyable - well, it can be nice but it can also be a stressful time of the day. Dcs are tired and grumpy, fuss over dinner and make mess, cry getting changed, "one more story" "I need a drink" etc. I mean I'm not saying he is a saint or anything but it's unfair to say he does nothing.

But is OP really off the clock if she's having to do all the housework?

I doubt she's getting much done during the day with a 2 year old in the house, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's actually ending up using that bath and bedtime window to get stuff done.

Been here with the SAHP bit (me) and DH working full time and basically responsible for all our bills.

But - as others have said - Monday to Friday I did all the house stuff around looking after DSs. But at weekends it was turned on its head. I had a lie-in and DH did the weekend shopping (we did our 'big shop' on a Saturday back then). Household chores were split more evenly over weekends too.

I think a few pp have said that's probably the fairest way in your current setup. You do the majority Monday to Friday, but weekends should be more 50/50 (and you definitely need some downtime when he's looking after the DC for a few hours solo for you at weekends)

it's hard to tell but it sounds as though the issue is with the amount of down time. it's OK if you're doing the majority of the house keeping etc if you also get as much down time as your DH. although carrying the full mental load for your DD is hard and I would encourage him to see what it's really like by going out and leaving him to it more, don't do any preparation for him. also it sounds unfair that he won't help even if you're struggling, that just seems a bit cruel and an outdated opinion that he doesn't have to do anything because he works out of the house. although I would consider what you're standards are and possibly lower some of them. Our house tends to get messier and messier when we're very busy then we do a big tidy and clean when we have time and its all nice again

I work part time 22 hours, and my DH works long 6 day weeks during term time, probably 40-60 hours. he cycles in and out of work so he gets his down time then, when he gets back he helps with any housework/DS care that needs it, and during the holidays he does do loads more and he also takes on childminder drop offs and pickups. I get down time almost every evening and on Sundays, plus quite a big more during the holidays. my DH is a hard worker at work and home, but does also have a lot of time out cycling, which is fine as he makes sure that I also get down time and he works hard to fit in his cycling.

The issue is that once one person is fully in charge of every aspect of a child's life, with the other person only doing delegated activities that don't require planning (like bathtime) it's very hard to redistribute this. And having full responsibility for a child (which may turn into more dc in the future) is a massive responsibility and a big mental load).

This ^ wot @Iggi999 said.

Just watch him expect you to continue doing it all when you go back because you are just part time and he earns more.

I'm sorry, I don't have a solution but just see how it works over and over.

Hope your medical procedure went OK NOW uts not fair and his attitude about you doing everything when you go back to work sucks.

I suggest you work FT and he can go PT to look after DD see how he likes it!!!

Seriously, so many women are martrys. Expect equal division of household chores (not the stuff you can do in the week like laundry and hoovering) I mean the relentless tidying up and wiping up. No don't lower standards. Maintain basic hygiene!

If you do all of the cooking cleaning and childcare then he needs to share at eve and weekends. And at the weekend get him sleeping with dd rather than you.

Stop doing stuff for him. Does he do znh life admin?

Men get used to having it easy. A jib is way more relaxing than relentless domestic grind.

@FATEdestiny

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7

Lots of that 24/7 parenting is easy and frequently great fun. Activity groups and play dates every day - it's not comparable to the heavy machinery stuff your DH is doing in his work day. You have to change your perspective on what is downtime, it doesn't need to be child-free

You only have one child. Parenting is a steep learning curve and your first child is always the one where you learn to parent 24/7 - which is a hard adjustment.

But (speaking as a SAHM of 4), your life with an only child will be easy peasy. I'd live to go back to only having one, the time is have! You cannot expect to have that perspective though.

Exactly ☝🏻 Going to 'mums and bubs' Pilates class isn't ass dreadful as failing a client pitch you've been working on for months. BOTH tasks are important, but I don't get it when SAHMs compare nursery pick ups (or "life admin") with a job of a lawyer working on a difficult case. If you don't think you've a fair deal, get a cleaner, take your kid to nursery, and work?

BOTH tasks are important, but I don't get it when SAHMs compare nursery pick ups (or "life admin") with a job of a lawyer working on a difficult case.
If you don't think you've a fair deal, get a cleaner, take your kid to nursery, and work?

Errr I'd compare it for sure! I have what can be a stressful, intense, deadline-driven job but I'd till say spending all day every day with a young child is harder. At least at my job I am dealing with adults or working quietly on my own, not constantly trying to entertain a tiny child who doesn't do anything independently yet and still needs nappy changes, snacks, meals, tidying up after etc etc.

I honestly think spending day after day with a young child is more intense and tiring than most jobs, and it must be even worse if you're up through the night with them as well.

You’re not doing 100% of the childcare and housework - he’s doing the dinner, bath and bed routine, and the washing up every day after work. Dinner/bath/bed routine is the worst, especially when you’ve been working all day. Bit insulting and unfair to your partner to then say he does “nothing”. Especially as he has a physical/mentally tiring job too.

I’d agree with others that this seems like a fair enough split. But you’re obviously not happy with it. If you are SAH I don’t see why you need to do any chores at the weekend at all. Surely you can fit it all into the week.

We are both full-time working parents of a 2yo and you wouldn’t catch us dead hoovering or dusting at the weekend, that’s relaxing/family time. It’s about how you organise yourself. And lowering of standards.

@Bibidy 'I honestly think spending day after day with a young child is more intense and tiring than most jobs, and it must be even worse if you're up through the night with them as well.'

Then get a nanny and go back to work? At least part time? If SAHM is not as lovely and fulfilling, but tiring and intense - what's the point? I thought the biggest argument for SAHMs was to bond with the child and spend precious first years together.
If that's as miserable as you describe, then change your situation.

[quote Veronika13]@Bibidy 'I honestly think spending day after day with a young child is more intense and tiring than most jobs, and it must be even worse if you're up through the night with them as well.'

Then get a nanny and go back to work? At least part time? If SAHM is not as lovely and fulfilling, but tiring and intense - what's the point? I thought the biggest argument for SAHMs was to bond with the child and spend precious first years together.
If that's as miserable as you describe, then change your situation. [/quote]
It's not my situation.

But in this scenario, OP has said that she and her husband both agreed she would be a SAHM for the benefit of their daughter - not because OP necessarily loved it herself. Although that's not to say she doesn't enjoy it, maybe she does.

My point is more that it is hard work, even if you do enjoy it. It's intense and tough and non-stop, so I just don't think the person who's doing all of this should also automatically be responsible for all housework on top, just because they put in their hours at home with their child instead of in an office of factory or wherever.

Both adults should help with the cleaning and running of their house.

The man needs to start doing his own laundry though. That has to change.

Try handing that task over to him, see if that makes any difference.

Also, OP has said she is shortly going back to work, but I bet her DH isn't going to suddenly start doing a bigger portion of the housework based on that without a big battle.

I think it does sound fair with the exception of a couple of points.

It should be 50/50 on weekends.

You should each get a lie in on the weekend, so he needs to be responsible for at least one night and giving you a lie in the following day

You also mentioned he's generous with money, surely all the money goes into a family pot and you have equal

I'd also sit down and discuss what's going to happen when you go back PT he needs to understand that although it gives you more time at home, if he's going to sit on his arse all weekend and do nothing then so are you. And what you don't get done during the week means it gets split 50/50.

@Veronika13 Most sahm’s or sahd’s have had careers before they become a parent so they are far more qualified to make a comparison.

If being a sahm isn’t something that you have ever done for whatever reason then you can’t really make an accurate comparison. And if you can’t see the point in being a sahm or sahd then don’t do it. But respect that other mums and dads do see the point and think it is worth it despite it being much harder than their other job used to be.

dreadful as failing a client pitch you've been working on for months.

Maybe you should quit your job and apply for one that suits your actual abilities then.

@Bibidy Both adults should help with the cleaning and running of their house.

That’s a good point. And it sets a good example to the children that we all help out with maintaining the home. We teach our dc that everyone helps with tidying up and cooking.

I thought the biggest argument for SAHMs was to bond with the child and spend precious first years together

And you think people believe that's for the parent's sake? It isn't. I'm not saying either is better but people do it because they think it is better for the kid/the whole family.

At least a lawyer working on a difficult case is respected by other people for the work they do in a way that a parent giving their kid early education is not.

I think it sounds reasonably fair in most ways. When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, cooking, etc. as even adding up the time that took was still only a few hours a day and considered it fair whilst not working.

If he is helping with DC in the evenings and facilitating you to have some downtime at the weekend then the balance is definitely ok.

However, if you are going to return to work that might not be the case going forward. If you will be doing shifts, for example evenings and he expects you will spend all day looking after DC and the house then working all evening you will ultimately be doing more hours than a full time job and he will need to take some of the load off.

@DubarryChuckle

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

Another +1 for this. How can anyone think that anything different from what dubarry has described is fair?

Looking after a baby, toddler or preschooler is full on. It can be very rewarding, but there is also a bucket load of dull, repetitive slog and very little opportunity for any kind of meaningful time out. Your time is simply not your own, any more than it is when performing paid employment.

I would expect that you would have the opportunity to do some housework, but certainly not all of it, whilst having sole care of a two year old. So of course your DH should be helping 50/50 with everything else, so you end up with roughly equal down time.

@ThePlantsitter

I thought the biggest argument for SAHMs was to bond with the child and spend precious first years together

And you think people believe that's for the parent's sake? It isn't. I'm not saying either is better but people do it because they think it is better for the kid/the whole family.

At least a lawyer working on a difficult case is respected by other people for the work they do in a way that a parent giving their kid early education is not.

Also, I personally don't think the biggest argument is to bond with the child. I think the biggest argument is usually the comfort and happiness of the child and financials, most often it's not just the preference of the SAHP at all.

I am not surprised that dad in this situation thinks he shouldn't have to do more of the housework since he works full-time, I know many feel this way, but it just isn't fair. He is very much contributing to creating the washing and ironing, the need for cleaning and hoovering, and also is 50% responsible for the same things on behalf of his daughter!!

If my partner was at home looking after our child all day, knowing how tough it is, I would never expect them to also do all of the housework, sort all of the bills AND look after the dog on top of that, just because I go out to work elsewhere and do an hour or so with my own child when I get home.

I would be embarrassed to treat my partner that way.

He is generous with money

You say this as if it is a point in his favour, but it is a possible red flag imo. Generosity doesn't come in to it. You are equal partners who currently have different, but equally important, roles to play in your family unit. The financial return he gets for fulfilling his role isn't a gift he gets to bestow on you - it is a shared resource within your partnership.

[quote Oceanbliss]**@Bibidy* Both adults should help with the cleaning and running of their house.*

That’s a good point. And it sets a good example to the children that we all help out with maintaining the home. We teach our dc that everyone helps with tidying up and cooking.[/quote]
Exactly. Unless one person is spending zero time in the home at all, nobody should have the expectation that someone else is responsible for cleaning up after them, doing their washing etc.

Tbh I think he’s actually doing quite a bit in the evenings, could you go for a run then? You should also have some relaxation time at the weekend e.g. Sunday afternoon you get a couple of hours for a run and to have a bath, blow dry your hair etc.

We do the weekly shop together at the weekend which naturally means my DH will have a bit more input on what’s needed.

The main issue sounds like sleep though, not sure how you address that but I think everything will feel more manageable if you can get a couple of solid nights sleep a week

Btw if you’re going back to work then everything needs to be divided up much more equally. Maybe consider getting a cleaner to ease your load?

I only did housework if child napping. A SAHM is that, the provider of the childs needs.
Nursey workers aren't doing housework too. Housework between you 50/50 that's what we did anyway and worked for us.

It seems fair mid week but at the weekends it should be 50/50