What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

He feeds, bathes, does bed and washes up...that's the brunt of all evening work.

How many loads of washing do you have to do a week? 6 or 8? A bit of cleaning and some household management. I'd rather have your job than his!

Given that his behaviour suggests some selfish and perhaps sexist attitudes, suggest seeking as well paid work as you can, even if that means working full time. And not SAH again if you have DC2 (beyond mat leave) as this is likely to be detrimental to you with respect to your paid work.

It all comes down to what downtime you get. If you DH works for 40 hours (plus whatever his commute is) then you should expect to work those same hours. After that, you should both do the same hours and get the same downtime.

I appreciate it isn't cut and dried. I've been both SAHM and FT work, and have friends who are both. The SAHM friends are much more likely to visit a friend / meet for a coffee / visit parents for lunch in the week - that's down time, not work. As a SAHM I would also not condider going to children's activities as work.

As others have said, we manage with us both working FT, and we can get the household jobs done and a bit of downtime for both of us come the week end. I think it comes down to attitude - you are a team, with equal responsibilty for the work and equal right to time off. If your DH is a reasonable person then he'd struggle to disagree with that.

In terms of division of labour, it sounds about fair. I mean, as an example, you make a big deal of hoovering, but how often do you hoover?!

My dp chucks his dirty clothes in the corner of the bedroom, and there it stays! Eventually he'll put it in the washing machine but it's his responsibility to make sure he dries it before it gets smelly. I do my own.

Your DH should spend a bit more time on the weekends with your daughter. I would concentrate on negotiating time off for yourself once a week. However weekdays he is perfectly reasonable, he looks after her after work. I think you are either inefficient or grossly exaggerate the house work required.

I also don't think you have a fair division of labour. Tbh it sounds like he would have MORE to do if he was living by himself, instead of with his wife and kids. That is crazy.

You have all of the mental load. That alone, is tiring.

He lives in the house, so he is not absolved of household chores. He fathered the children, so he is their equal parent when he is at home.

It sounds like he doesn't really value the work you do - particularly indicated by the fact he doesn't expect things to change once you start working again. I've seen many threads on here where that is the case, and sometimes the only way to end the resentment is for both parents to go back to work full time. Hopefully though, you can wake him up to how you're feeling.

Google mental load, google wifework.

I think it's fair enough if you are the SAHP that you do the bulk of the housework and it does sound as though when your DP comes home they do take over and that lets you have a bit of time to yourself after having your LO all day so think it's not unreasonable ?
Agree that if you have equal access to the money and it's family money then you are not being too hard done by !
It's not easy when children are little but you are very lucky to be able to be a SAHP and get to enjoy your time with your LO, I would love this tbf

I think you need a lie in factored in for fairness right now (assuming that he's picking up after himself and putting laundry in the laundry basket rather than dumping on the floor and putting his weekday dinner plates in the dishwasher et. )

It was something that made a massive distance to me. Sometimes I would lie in bed and listen to him getting them breakfast etc but it's a luxurious relief to lie in bed and not have to worry about that.

3 hour bike rides is taking the piss although it seems that many men have regular time off like this eg football season tickets.

IMO it will depend so much on what hours he works.

When I was a SAHM with little dcs I never expected my dh to do anything in the house, because he worked more or less a 12 hour day, 6 days a week, in a very demanding job, a lot of it out of doors in the hot sun (this was not in the U.K.).

A 9-5 desk job would be a rather different scenario, but as a SAHM, esp. with just one dc! - I’d still expect to do most of it.

Having said that, if any SAHM with little dcs is expecting to keep to uber-MN housekeeping standards, I.e cleaning and disinfecting the bejasus out of everything every day, washing all clothes that have been worn for a couple of hours, clean towels every day, etc., then IMO they are doomed to exhaustion, if not to abject failure.

I have been a sahm mum for years. In the house, I do everything. But dh is really handy so sorts the outside of the house. He pops out on a Sunday morning these days for a sport but it’s an hour and a half at the most.

He also needs to get decent sleep (machinery etc) so I would wake him for dc before midnight (which gave the boobs a rest for a couple of hours) and I would do the rest. But he would come home and go straight inside the bath with dc and that gave me 20 minutes in the kitchen in the late afternoon.

And he never complained about the state of the house, either. If it really bothered him, he would fix it.

sounds fair to me. I'd go for a run when he's doing her dinner bath and bed each night.

@NonShallot

Hmm okay. It seems that the majority of posters seem to think that its a fair division of labour, that I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off. Is it still my job then to do all the washing/ironing/sorting out DD?

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7 currently with the sleep regression, often I'm still tidying/sorting/cooking well past 7/8 at night. I used to run prior to having DD but now I don't seem to have any time to do that, but DH regularly has time to go cycling for several hours.

This is also his home where he lives, why shouldn't he do some sort of contribution to its up keep? Or have I got this totally wrong?

I agree with you OP, I am surprised at the responses too.

Your DH is still an adult who has a large input into the state of the house and the amount of washing and cleaning you have to do, not to mention the daughter you are mostly caring for.

Obviously you wouldn't expect to be sat on your bum all day and then for him to come home from work and do all the cleaning, but he could definitely be doing more.

Sounds like all he's really doing is working and having a bit of enjoyable time with his own daughter in the evenings. At least he does the washing up!!

Sounds like all he's really doing is working and having a bit of enjoyable time with his own daughter in the evening

So when DH does stuff with his DD it's "enjoyable time" but when OP does it, it's "work"?

I don't really get why a SAHP should have to do all the housework?

I work full-time now but I know that looking after a pre-school child all day every day would be much harder and leave me little time for cleaning and tidying until my DP got home to take over.

OP is doing full-on days as well, just in the home instead of at a work place. Not saying DH should have to do it all but the way I see it they are both working equally as hard so surely the housework and washing etc should be divided??

I would tell him you'll be working a 40 hour week, same as him. During that time, you'll be doing all the necessary childcare (mon-fri), and as much of the housework as you have time for.

Outside of that time, i.e. evenings and weekends, all housework and childcare needs to be split.

If he wants to go cycling Sat and Sun mornings, you get to go running Sat and Sun afternoons. If he complains that leaves no family time, then you both give up some of your weekend time to create family time.

And you definitely need to address what will happen when you go back to work. Because I can tell you now, if you don't, he'll be continuing on as if nothing has changed...

@UserAtLarge

Sounds like all he's really doing is working and having a bit of enjoyable time with his own daughter in the evening

So when DH does stuff with his DD it's "enjoyable time" but when OP does it, it's "work"?

I just think it's different spending the whole day entertaining, feeding and tidying up after a 2 year old AND getting up with her through the night, in comparison to doing bath and bedtime, which are generally lower key and seen by many as nice bonding time. OP has said it takes him barely an hour to do those things. OP has even sorted out the dinner before he sits and watches her eat it?!

Not saying he does nothing but OP's time with DD is definitely harder.

Oh, and obviously the overnights/lie-ins get split at the weekend as well.

@Shmithecat2

The week sounds ok, but the weekends don't. His job is 5 days a week, when do you get your break?

When he looks after DD for the afternoon of a weekend so OP can have a break, per first post.

if he works 8 hrs a day you do 8hrs a day too.

the rest is shared equally or whatever you are both happy with/able to cope.

Well, I’ll be honest - your post is the reason I went back to work after three months or less after each child so that I didn’t become a default cleaner/maid/etc.

Having said that, you have only one child and you don’t work so this is your job. It’s tiring and can be boring but that is what you signed up for. Maintaining the house on the weekend is 30-45 minutes of work. Your husband does contribute at night and doesn’t request your financial contribution to the bills/mortgage/whatever and doesn’t withhold the family money so I’m not going to bad mouth him too much.

If you want time to yourself on the weekend then just tell him you’re going out for a few hours. You seem to only want people to agree with you but you can help yourself here.

And if you want equality then go back to work 40 hours a week (ensuring you earn as close to equally as possible) and then spilt everything financially and home related right down the middle as much as reasonably possible and you may well be happier. It’s what works for us in our house.

I am so surprised to read a lot of these comments, particularly as I assume they are mainly from women and probably lots of mothers too!!

OP is doing at least the same level of work as her DH when he's at his job, if not more as she's also doing through the night too. The days I've spent looking after young children have been harder than any job I've had. Her DH has set hours and breaks, OP doesn't have that and she's working on little sleep, so no wonder she wants to have a break herself during any daytime nap times or whatever.

if he works 8 hrs a day you do 8hrs a day too.

the rest is shared equally or whatever you are both happy with/able to cope.

I completely agree with this. OP's hard work as a SAHM is not being recognised here, but she's putting in the hours too. She should not also be responsible for all housework and admin on top of this.

I do all of that and work 40 hours. 40 hours isnt so much he can't also contribute!

Work should be split so you get equitable off time.

@WhoDidAndWhy

Well, I’ll be honest - your post is the reason I went back to work after three months or less after each child so that I didn’t become a default cleaner/maid/etc.

Having said that, you have only one child and you don’t work so this is your job. It’s tiring and can be boring but that is what you signed up for. Maintaining the house on the weekend is 30-45 minutes of work. Your husband does contribute at night and doesn’t request your financial contribution to the bills/mortgage/whatever and doesn’t withhold the family money so I’m not going to bad mouth him too much.

If you want time to yourself on the weekend then just tell him you’re going out for a few hours. You seem to only want people to agree with you but you can help yourself here.

And if you want equality then go back to work 40 hours a week (ensuring you earn as close to equally as possible) and then spilt everything financially and home related right down the middle as much as reasonably possible and you may well be happier. It’s what works for us in our house.

But why doesn't the work OP is putting in with her DD all day every day count towards making things equal? She is doing way more than 40hrs there.

Surely the SAHM agreement is with regard to caring for DD, it doesn't include all the extra housework as well, by default.

It's not like her DD is in nursery 3 days a week and OP still doesn't want to do the housework.

I'm the first to call out lazy fathers on here but I have to agree that the weekdays do seem fair. He takes over at dcs dinner time (5.30? 6?) so you are "off the clock" after that. As for the dinner, bath and bedtime routine being easy and enjoyable - well, it can be nice but it can also be a stressful time of the day. Dcs are tired and grumpy, fuss over dinner and make mess, cry getting changed, "one more story" "I need a drink" etc. I mean I'm not saying he is a saint or anything but it's unfair to say he does nothing.