What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

Well after your 40 hours a work - doing all the house hold chores I’d say it 50 50 after that.
Weekends he does his bit + that’s a 50% bit. 😀

imho..

if its something he would have to do for himself if you didn't live there, then he ought to be contributing.

Work is his thing
Childcare is your thing

Housework ought to be split 50/50

You shouldn't be doing housework on the weekends (except maybe laundry and washing up, as those are kind of endless) but hoovering/dusting...etc should be allocated to mon-fri

General tidying around, cooking/washing up ought to be 100% shared.

Think like this. If you weren't there, he would STILL have to be doing his own housework, cooking, cleaning and garden maintenance. He should be sharing those chores when he is home.

You are NOT the maid.

Well after your 40 hours a work - doing all the house hold chores I’d say it 50 50 after that.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. OPs 40hrs a week where she is a SAHM doing the household chores should be ample to get 90% of this done with time to spare. DH does his equally important 40hrs too. So the remaining 10% should be shared. DH gives DD dinner every night, and bathes her and puts her to bed, then does the washing up. Plus has DD for an afternoon at the weekends if OP wants to do something. That seems like an extremely fair share of the remaining 10%.

Does DH have an afternoon at the weekends while OP looks after DD?

It's never going to be completely equal. I work full time and still do the majority of the house and kids stuff. Partly because we have different standards. Party because my DDs prefer me doing certain things with them. Partly because I want to make sure they are done.

I think you need to be a bit more assertive. Tell him when you want to run or go to the shop by yourself. Until he is left alone to deal himself he isn't going to realise how tough it can be.

Think like this. If you weren't there, he would STILL have to be doing his own housework, cooking, cleaning and garden maintenance. He should be sharing those chores when he is home.

As would OP if DH wasn't there. And she'd still be at home all day with DD, or working on top of this and paying nursery fees. This is huge double standards.

@TwinsAndTrifle

Think like this. If you weren't there, he would STILL have to be doing his own housework, cooking, cleaning and garden maintenance. He should be sharing those chores when he is home.

As would OP if DH wasn't there. And she'd still be at home all day with DD, or working on top of this and paying nursery fees. This is huge double standards.

How is it double standards when i said he should be SHARING them?

But surely OP also has free time when DD is at nursery. Is she spending all that time cleaning and ironing? If so, maybe also time to drop some standards.
Their house is not that big and no house needs a deep clean every day. If she had a PT job, there simply wouldn’t be time for some of these tasks. She made herself a martyr and clearly doesn’t enjoy being a STAHW.

Does DH have an afternoon at the weekends while OP looks after DD?

Didn’t the OP say he goes cycling both days?

@AdriannaP I get the impression she is not currently sending her DD to nursery. She was researching nurseries in anticipation of her eventual return to work.

Seems like a fair division of labour to me too. I think you will find that when you return to work, working parents do EVERYTHING you describe and paid work TOO... Things like buying wipes etc wouldn't bother me as it's just you're at home more so you will notice stocks depleting. "Sorting your dd" - is that not the reason that you are a sahm? I always smile when people say "life admin" is a separate job. It takes 2 minutes to make appointments, pay bills online. Searching for insurance etc can be done in front of the TV at night. However, if you're really not happy Op, best to talk to your dh now before you return to work and draw up a physical list of jobs and distribution that you feel is fairer.

OP is unhappy that she doesn't have time to herself (e.g. to go running) but it's really unclear why this is the case. Her DH seems perfectly happy to look after the child (doing bath and bedtime; looking after her occasionally at weekends when OP is out). If she said to DH that she wanted to go running, say, 2 evenings a week and on Sunday afternoons, there's nothing to suggest he would have any problem with this.

TBH I suspect OP's basic issue is sleep deprivation. Having been there and done that I can testify that it makes every 10 times harder, everything feel 100 times worse and the idea of getting up and doing anything non essential (running) is just too hard to even think about.
So I'd suggest some form of sleep training in the longer term and for DH to manage one weekend evening and early morning in the short term. Once OP is getting more sleep, she may feel entirely different about things.

I always smile when people say "life admin" is a separate job. It takes 2 minutes to make appointments, pay bills online.

I completely agree. I changed our utility supplier, ordered new stationery, and DS new school bag...all online, in about ten minutes, on the sofa, with a cup of tea, watching Netflix last night. How people say that this, plus being at home with the children is full time work, makes me smile too. By this reasoning, people that work full time, actually never stop working unless their child is asleep. I work all weekend too, seeing as DTwins are here.

Going to the park with my children on a Tuesday afternoon, is not work, anymore than it is on a Sunday morning.

2 mins when it goes smoothly, perhaps. I've had an hour online and a 20 min conversation today with the organisers of an activity ds wants to do. Still isn't entirely resolved!

Sure but in some households both parents work FT and somehow we still manage all this miraculous life admin.

I would suggest that the vast majority of it falls on the shoulders of the female parent, whether she works full time or not.
Certainly all the child activities, play dates, childcare stuff, medical appointments. I've only realised how much of it falls to me since lockdown cancelled most of it!

Excellent explaining TwinsAndTrifle

Sure but in some households both parents work FT and somehow we still manage all this miraculous life admin.
We do, we get behind, we carve out evenings and chunks of weekend time, we do some during the work day. I called the bank for an hour and gave up re my home loan a month ago and haven’t got around to calling again. I can’t apologise enough for that not taking two mins.

@NonShallot

Hmm okay. It seems that the majority of posters seem to think that its a fair division of labour, that I am doing 100% of everything for the house and childcare, even when on weekends when my husband is off. Is it still my job then to do all the washing/ironing/sorting out DD?

I suppose my issue is that I do not get any down time. Parenting is 24/7 currently with the sleep regression, often I'm still tidying/sorting/cooking well past 7/8 at night. I used to run prior to having DD but now I don't seem to have any time to do that, but DH regularly has time to go cycling for several hours.

This is also his home where he lives, why shouldn't he do some sort of contribution to its up keep? Or have I got this totally wrong?

I agree with you. When I was on maternity leave I did nights, we both, got breakfast/baby/animals sorted in the mornings, once he left for work, house, pets and baby were my domain. I would get as much done as possible (not always possible if I had a bad night or baby was tetchy), once partner got home is was back to 50/50.

when it comes to housework, my starter for 10 with a SAHM and a 9-5 [ish] husband would be along the lines of:

(a) child is very young [e.g. possibly under one year, certainly under six months] - husband does most of it, since the childcare is so exhausting, with SAHM pitching in as other commitments permit.
(b) child is a toddler being cared for full-time - SAHM does most of it, with husband pitching in as other commitments permit.
(c) children are schoolage and/or aged 3+ doing more than 15 hrs' worth of nursery school - SAHM does pretty much all.

for clarification, the above refers to weekdays only, weekends should be 50:50 in both situations (b) and (c).

@TwinsAndTrifle

I always smile when people say "life admin" is a separate job. It takes 2 minutes to make appointments, pay bills online.

I completely agree. I changed our utility supplier, ordered new stationery, and DS new school bag...all online, in about ten minutes, on the sofa, with a cup of tea, watching Netflix last night. How people say that this, plus being at home with the children is full time work, makes me smile too. By this reasoning, people that work full time, actually never stop working unless their child is asleep. I work all weekend too, seeing as DTwins are here.

Going to the park with my children on a Tuesday afternoon, is not work, anymore than it is on a Sunday morning.

Not getting at you here btw, just using what you've said to illustrate a point.

"Going to the park with my children on a Tuesday afternoon, is not work, anymore than it is on a Sunday morning."

For some it Is work. Personally, as a single mom with a disabled child, any time i leave the house its 'work' because i have to watch him like a hawk, and be prepared to deal with whatever happens at a moment notice.. switching from parent to carer with immediate effect.. i find it easier to remain in 'carer' mode when in public.

I am paid to be his carer though.. as i'm in receipt of Carers allowance, and sure 'life admin' is always best done on the sofa, with netflix on and a cuppa in hand, but those few hours he's at school when i'm doing that are also time i have to use as respite, for catching up on sleep, and doing any/all housework that needs done.

There are parents out there with disabled kids, or 'high needs' children, where childcare IS work, and as such, household duties/life admin ought to be shared equitably between the parents... i know as a single mom, it certainly keeps me busy... and i don't miss having to find time to deal with my ExH's 'life admin', laundry and mental load of managing him and factoring his timetable on top of everything else.

@Batsy

I find your post really interesting, and not at all argumentative. I actually have my eldest, who has is disabled with SEN. And I also receive carers allowance.

Personally, I just see this as looking after him, and you are completely right, you do have to have eyes like a hawk, but it's second nature after a while. I don't consider it work at all. If he comes to the park with us, I just need to be more vigilant, I still don't consider it work. And like you, mines at school all day, so other than breakfast and after school, it's only really the weekends that can be impacted. And yes, DH shares the supervision, shares the discipline. But he doesn't share the laundry, the admin, the chores.... because I've done them!

Thank you for being understanding, i hope i wasn't coming over as preachy.

I make the difference as i also have an abled/NT child who's only a couple of years younger (they're both at secondary school though) and not have to watch her, can sit and relax, trust her to play nicely/behave, to look after herself...etc and just be a 'parent' sitting on the sidelines letting her get on with it, knowing i'm there if anything does go awry.. and we're working on her not needing me and being able to be independent to a point. (working on me more than her tbh.. this is a whole new world of unchartered parenting waters )

I used to work as a TA and a Nursery assistant, i find the level of care/attention that DS requires when we're out, is very much like supervising my charges when i was at work, and he'll never have that independence, so i'll never be able to take that step back like i can with DD.

OP,

He doesn't sound like a good man to me.

He sounds like a selfish twat that gets 4 sessions of cycling a week while leaving the overwhelming majority of everything to you.

I cannot get my head around you doing gardening/weeding/car washing.

He is treating you like a skivvy.

Don't have another child with him.

Go back to work full time and stop doing ANYTHING for him.

Him leaving a mess for you is disgusting.

He's treating you like a skivvy.

Would kill any love I would have very quickly.

He sounds like a very selfish lazy man.

Protect yourself OP.

He hasn't your back.
Think about the future you want.

You should have equal down time on evenings and weekends.

Taking a breath between chasing a toddler and scrubbing the floors does not count as down time. It’s the equivalent of a break at a paying job.