What is a fair division of labour if I'm a SAHM? DH thinks I should do it all

[NonShallot]

DD is two and I have been off work since she was born. This was a mutually agreed decision made for the benefit of DD, though I am going back to work soon.

Anyway I've been struggling to keep on top of things lately because DD is going through a sleep regression so I'm more tired and more inclined to have a sit down, and its made me realise that I do literally everything.

I dust, hoover, mop, clean, food shop, cook, tidy up, clothes washing/ironing/put away, maintain garden. I sort out everything to do with DD , from ensuring she is fed and clothed, to sorting out what nursery she's going to, to putting her name down for schools, she had a minor eye problem and I was the one sorting appointments for her. Walk dog, feed pets, organise vet visits and order pet food. All life admin- paying bills, sorting insurance, making appointments etc. I'm the one who suggests we go out and I am always the one booking it. I booked my own Mother's Day lunch because I knew he wouldn't remember.

DH works mon-fri 40 hours a week. He comes home, gives DD her dinner (which I will have sorted) and then does bath time and bed every night. He also does the washing up after dinner. On weekends we will usually do something together with DD or he might have her for an afternoon if I say I want some time to myself.

If we are going out I am the one sorting the change bag, ensuring we have snacks, that DD is ready etc

DD is not a great sleeper so I now sleep in the spare room and will get up in the night with her so DH can sleep on work nights (his job involves handling heavy machinery so it's important he isn't tired for safety reasons, though he will help with DD if I am desperate)

Even on weekends when he is home, he will never dust, or hoover, or put washing on. I am the one doing that whilst he is sat on his phone, or has gone for a three hour cycle. I don't think he has ever looked in the drawer and thought, hmmm bit low on baby wipes and nappies, maybe I had better pop on Amazon and order some more.

I have attempted to discuss this with him but he says as I'm not working its my 'job'. I am going back to work PT soon and as its shift work, he says that most of the responsibility for keeping the house will be down to me as he is still working FT.

He is a king caring man, we have a great time together and I do love him. He is generous with money, he does always remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I am feeling worn down by all of this.

Is this a 'fair' division of labour, as he is FT and I'm off? Should I be doing all the work? I wonder if I have made a rod for my own back because I am naturally clean and tidy, and would it myself before I would be happy to leave it for someone else to do.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are

I think sleep deprivation makes everything much harder. Unless you have had a non-sleeping child it is difficult to imagine how much.
IMO, I would consider a 40 hour working week for each of you as fair, then a more even split over and above that.
I agree with pp that you should have an equal amount of down time at the weekend because you need a break, just as your DH does.
I suppose everyone here is disregarding the hours you are putting in dealing with the night wakings. IME those are the most exhausting.
I do feel that his attitude and telling you that everything else is your job is unkind.

I think its relative to you. Some people cope with the whole work load and do it happily others don't and struggle to cope. I think resentment plays a big part and this is probably whats dragging you down. I have always done the lions share of housework and i did all the childcare. When my kids were pre-school i could cope with it but I didn't enjoy it and the shift from being a full time working adult to full time mum was not great. I ended up resenting my husband feeling he swanned off to work, could just wander down to the shops and have a leisurely lunch break whilst i'd be dealing with dirty nappies, wailing children and feeling dog tired all the time. Looking back i got to spend some precious years with my kids doing all the activities and i was also lucky enough to be at home after they started school so i was then living the dream, but in the early years it didn't feel like it i just felt put apon! I still resented my husband but it wasn't actually his fault, if i asked him to do something to help he would but a lot of the time i stood there stewing because he didnt just get on and do it without being asked. In fairness to him if he did attempt to do something like getting the kids up and dressed I'd then say something like 'why have you put them in those clothes' 🙄😂 (tbh he must of been a saint).
I think you need to sit him down again and be honest and say whilst you get this sleep problem sorted out you just can't function normally so could he pick up a bit of the slack, only go cycling one morning at the weekend to give you a chance to catch up on some sleep and recharge. And start asking him to do somethings , most men just need asking x

@Awarsewolf

I’ll never understand how much cleaning ironing washing can be created in these threads? DH and I work full time so have to find the time outside of working hours and commutes to do all our life admin, and it never takes as long as these threads make out? Washing for a family of three = twice a week, three when there is a towel/bedding wash: takes the grand total of time to put washing in machine, set to wash at a certain time, then the length of time to put washing into dryer/on the line depending on weather, fuck the ironing right off (but we take responsibility for our clothes which need ironing) and time taken to put clothes away. Cleaning the house is done in fortnightly sweeps, bathrooms cleaned weekly but thats a quick spray wipe and bleach, hoover comes out ad hoc maybe for 20 mins (length of battery) every three days, kitchen cleaned down every night and dishwasher emptied every morning. DC taken to nursery, all life admin squared blah blah blah. And yet we still have time at the weekend to do things, have our own hobbies etc. If one of us was at home full time I genuinely would wonder how much cleaning was being done when what we do at the moment is perfectly adequate, and is clearly not anywhere near fulltime hour equivalent.

There's definitely more tidying up to do! Kids make quite a lot of mess. But then I had 3 kids in 4 years so there was a lot of mess and a lot of washing.

However I do agree. There's 5 people and pets in my house. And I don't spend all day everyday, into the evenings, doing housework.

I do think the problem here is lack of sleep and down time.

Make life easier for yourself. Take time off. Get hobbies, do stuff in the day that's not housework and do a lot of research into getting DD to sleep through the night.

There's 5 people and pets in my house. And I don't spend all day everyday, into the evenings, doing housework.

Absolutely. We have 4 children so 6 in our house, plus a dog. I do little half hour bursts of housework and it's rarely more than 2h all together over the day. That includes all cooking the family meals from scratch.

Work smarter, not more.

Fair enough that you do anything that needs doing during the day, but evenings and weekends it should be divided equally.

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

I think it sounds a fair division of labour at the moment, as long as you get a 3 hour break equal to his cycle time. But it will definitely need to adjust when you go back to work part time. I think previous posters have it right when they say to look at it in terms of down time - you both need to have an equal amount.

@DubarryChuckle

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

I love this

@JellyBabiesSaveLives

He may think that taking your child to an activity class doesn't count as work. It does, if you'd have to pay some one to do it if you weren't there, then its work!

Not as cut and dried as that. If it's hard work taking DC to an activity class, I'd suggest OP doesn't bother. Many parents take their DC to activities classes because they enjoy them too, or because it gives them a chance to sit and chat to other parents for an hour. This is not remotely equivalent to hard, paid work.

I think he does quite a lot already. So presumably you never sit down when he is at work. The whole concept of SAHM is from my point of view not good in many cases. It works for some people so fine in their case. But it seems to cause resentment in a lot of relationships.

I don't know why people think SAHM = servant + 24/7 nanny. You're a team and he's a parent. And a lot of being a parent is unpacking/unpacking things, organising stuff, doing laundry and genera drudgery.

What kind of a dynamic will you be demonstrating to DD if you continue to do everything?

@DubarryChuckle

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

This is the most sensible response on here

I think it sounds fair during the week. Bit you should be getting equal leisure time at the weekends and splitting the daily chores 50/50 at weekends - it shouldn’t take long with two of you. I also think things like ironing work clothes for example are his responsibility so he needs to be doing that for himself if you’re doing that for him.

Lower your standards and make some free time. You don't need to live in a show home.

Why do you or dh have to do housework at the weekend? Surely you can get that done during the week? I can and I work full time, its really not hard.

I don't think it is fair. If you have your dd with you full time then THAT is your job, until she starts nursery for a significant amount of time. With many little kids it is pretty tough trying to do any housework or gardening while they are about. Plus you are knackered because you do all the night waking and early mornings. So you are trying to squeeze in housework in the evening when she goes to sleep while your husband does nothing because he says it is your job. So he has had a child and very little has changed for him. When you go back to work I suspect he will look after your child but do very little else so that you end up tidying and washing etc when you get home. And yet he expects you to do all this while you are looking after a child. He has also offloaded all admin to you which is not fair. He should be taking on some of that.

It sounds a decent division of labour to me while you’re at home, the problem is that you’re spending too much time on housework and just need to do a bit less at the moment. Lower your standards a bit.

You mention not getting any down time in later posts but in your initial one say your DH will take DD for a weekend afternoon to give you some down time. Perhaps start making sure this happens every week without fail.

It may well need reassessing once you’re working part time but again you need a frank assessment of what is stuff that needs to be done that he needs to pick up vs what doesn’t really need to be done after all.

@DubarryChuckle

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

I’m a sahm to two toddlers and one in primary and our situation is almost exactly like this post! I’m responsible for everything kid / house related between 9-5 that my “job” my DH doesn’t expect me to clean during that time but if I get a chance to tick a few jobs off then fantastic

Sleep deprivation is a bitch tho! I was a single mum to my eldest and he didn’t sleep through until 5 so working full time
And that was a slog! I can understand why you feel a bit stressed / overwhelmed

You seem bemused as to why posters think it's important to recognise that you're not doing 100%. I think it is, not least because if you try and talk to your OH about how overloaded you're feeling and say that you're doing 100% it is much less likely to be a productive conversation. I think one solution might be to take more time for you. Go see friends at the weekend, go shopping, exercising, walk - whatever works for you. And do it most weekend, not every 8. Then ask him to also do some jobs whilst you're gone. I know you should not have to but it sets the scene for him realising how much work you do already do. When you go back to work these needs to be a re-jigging of roles. It might help to be explicit about who does what and to make sure that he also has a fair number of the mental load tasks not just practical ones. E.g. he's responsible for ensuring there are enough nappies and wipes and making sure she has clothes that fit at all times of buying presents for all parties she will be invited to.

@Eyjafjallajokulldottir

Why do you or dh have to do housework at the weekend? Surely you can get that done during the week? I can and I work full time, its really not hard.

When I say 'housework' at the weekend, I mean things like hoovering (messy crumb dropping toddler plus pets needs a daily hoover), loading and unloading dish washer, clearing dishes from draining board, putting on a washing load of DH's work clothes from the week before. I mean the sort of 'housework' which is daily stuff which still needs doing even on a weekend. Which DH doesn't do.

@NonShallot I am going to go against the general consensus and say that I don’t think it is a fair division of labor.

If you were to record each task (related to your sahp job) you perform, including getting up during the night to resettle dd, and record the time task commenced and finished then added them all up; how many hours are you working a week?

Maybe have an agreement that when you complete the same amount of hours per day then anything outside of your work hours is shared.

Also, maybe if your dh sees what you are actually doing, with times, minutes, hours written down he will have a better understanding of how much work you are actually doing.

As for cooking I really believe this is outside of work hours and should be shared. Also, eating together is social and connecting family time and the preparation of food can be too.

Everyone needs rest and relaxation time to recharge. I hope you find a way to make that time for yourself too

@DubarryChuckle

Im a sahm and my husband works full time. We both start at 9am, and finish at 5pm. I work slightly longer in that I don't get a lunch break away from my clients ;)

But my husband totally sees that childcare is my job right now. I an responsible for all child related activities between 9am and 5pm, any groups, admin, medical, entertainment, school run, food etc. If the kids are happily occupied or napping, I do what I can around the house, but often I will use nap time to get a hot drink because it's tricky with constant child demands to actually get a drink.

Before 9am and after 5pm, we spilt childcare and household jobs. He's had more chance to sit down in a quiet room during work hours, even though he's still working, so often I opt for the "quieter" jobs in the evening, and do the cooking in peace whilst he plays with the kids. Or he'll hang out or bring in laundry whilst they play in the garden.

He always, kindly, says I'm a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner, so any jobs that get done are a bonus. I do try to do what I can, but I feel no pressure to.

As the kids get older, and need less active input (I've got 2 still breastfeeding, and one at the stage of shoving everything in their mouth, so they're fairly high maintenance at the mo!) I'll be able to tick off more jobs during the day, and so the whole family will benefit from more free time in the evenings and at weekends.

This is a phase. It seems like a slog now, but we both know it'll get easier.

In the same way my husband wouldn't expect a nanny to do the childcare and housework, he doesn't expect it of me. But the more I can do, the more relaxed we all are in the evenings.

Sit down and properly chat it through. Calmly. Neither should be defensive or accusatory - the early years are HARD. teamwork definitely needed :) good luck!

Thank you for this sensible and understanding reply

I think the problem is that he has a full time job and you seem to have two - parenting and housework. At the moment if you decide that it is fair that you do 100% of the housework then that is your full time job.

Which means Parenting and therefore free time (because after all it is the childcare element of this that it is important) needs to be split.

If he is a kind and caring man and not a cycling obsessed arse point this out to him - that he is putting on your housework and parenting which are separate things. That he has free time because you look after DD and you do not and that is not fair.

Then lets come to your bigger issue - that he is dismissing your Part time shift work completely. He cannot and shouldnt do this.

If you get the parenting and free time bit done first. Then point out that the housework needs to be split down the lines of you doing more but him taking it on.

Otherwise you will burn out. That said you seem to be burning out already and he isnt paying attention

Well he can wash his own clothes at the weekend for a start!

DH should be doing a fair share of night parenting and sharing the usual weekend domestic work.

Your ‘job’ isn’t 24/7 and sleep deprivation is just as much a risk for your health and safety, in sole charge of a toddler, as for his, in his ordinary paid job.