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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, night away.

386 replies

Dinosaurrescueteam · 01/07/2021 08:08

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

OP posts:
parkerpop · 01/07/2021 09:54

I think it's fine to say if it's purely a joke tbh and was genuinely happy for you to have nights away.

The difference here is that he's not happy about it, it hasn't happened once in 23 years and he's making you feel guilty for leaving DC with grandparents. That's not a man who's secure about you having nights away and having a bit of a laugh at the same time

LynnInAVan · 01/07/2021 09:54

Sorry this is a really dangerous man

CasaBonita · 01/07/2021 09:54

He sounds like a psycho.

ElaborateSalad · 01/07/2021 09:54

So he can go away for the night but you can't? He hasn't once had your DC alone overnight. The man's a twat and I think you know it.

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/07/2021 09:56

Leave leave leave!!!!! that's really terrifying behaviour. Does he not understand that he goes away all the time and there shouldn't be a disparity between you?

Don't let your kids think this is normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2021 09:56

Fear of him, money worries and fear of the unknown amongst other factors conspire to keep women with their abusive male husbands.

I would certainly call the police domestic violence unit about the body bag threat he has repeatedly made to you.

Another plan here is to go into Boots today and ask for ANI (action needed immediately). The staff will direct you to one of the consultation rooms where you can access help re domestic violence.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your children as well are being affected by what they are seeing within their home. Its not their fault either that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you as his wife. These types of men hate women, ALL of them.

NotTerfNorCis · 01/07/2021 09:57

He said he’d need two body bags. If he caught him. He’d need two body bags.

That sounds pretty bad. He's extremely controlling. If I were you I'd go ahead, enjoy your night away, and set up more in future. Either he'll get used to it or he won't - and if he won't, then you need to consider if this is really what you want in a relationship.

mynameisbrian · 01/07/2021 09:57

This man wont have his own DC overnight? Is that a joke. Not surprised your parents are pissed off. He is a nasty bully and any man who stood waving his finger in my face because i dared go away for a night would get it rammed up his ass.

Why are you putting up with this?

AnyFucker · 01/07/2021 09:57

Your friend is also with a violent loser. There are plenty of them about. It doesn’t mean you should also laugh off his threats.

I expect the victims of family annihilates spent many years rationalising and minimising their partners love of violence and control. I expect the people around them reinforced it. Until they made good on the threats…even then these murders are horrifically described as “crimes of passion”

It’s not ok. It’s not love. It’s an expression of hate. He hates women and he hates you.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/07/2021 09:57

@Dinosaurrescueteam but he really doesn’t want you to go out, makes it impossible for you to go out normally as won’t look after the DC by himself and then makes a ‘joke’ about body bags. I would never find that funny, but if you have a fully supportive partner who has no problem with you going out having fun with friends and makes a joke about body bags it is probably harmless (although in bad taste in my opinion).

It’s when you put all the behaviour of your DH together that it then takes on a really sinister and worrying spin on it

AnyFucker · 01/07/2021 09:59

*annihilators

diddl · 01/07/2021 09:59

How about leaving him this weekend whilst he's away?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/07/2021 10:04

He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.. Did he actually say this? As in what’s good for you isn’t good for him? Or did he mean to say it’s ok for him to go out for a night and potentially cheat but not for you?

Whatever, he sounds fucking nuts and I’d be leaving at the first sign of this but you’ve obviously put up with it for this long to have never had a night without the DCs, and not to expect him to actually be a parent, so I suspect you’ll stay. Sad. Just know that this isn’t normal behaviour for a partner and that you do have options. Flowers

silliphant · 01/07/2021 10:04

This is how women end up dead. What is it, two per week in the UK?

Leave. Right now.

Calmyertits · 01/07/2021 10:06

I suggest you give mum and dad your friends mobile number and turn your phone off. Hell try to ruin your weekend with constant calls, text and demand of photos to prove you are where you say you are and who your with. Would also suggest changing the locks if your back before him...

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 01/07/2021 10:06

And yes the threats of physical violence are horrific. Any ‘normal’ overly jealous twat would threaten to divorce you if he feared that your one weekend ever to go and enjoy yourself might be cover for an affair. To threaten double murder is unhinged.

astoundedgoat · 01/07/2021 10:07

He is not normal. This weekend is a golden opportunity to leave him. Do your parents live far? Can you just pack up, get whatever you need long term into storage, and just go? You can book a man and van in 5 minutes this morning, and a storage unit. Then just take your clothes, and the kids, and go to your Mum. No parent would turn their daughter away after the body bag comment. That's disgusting.

The weekend away with your friends is not the issue here. Your controlling psychopath of a husband is.

Ugzbugz · 01/07/2021 10:07

What are you doing with this beast? Most people who accuse others of cheating are always shaggujg someone else ans why are your children children subjected to this?

I grew up with a similar figure and have struggled with relationships, why on earth aren't you leaving this pig?

sugarapplelane · 01/07/2021 10:08

..., and you're still with him because????

QOD · 01/07/2021 10:08

I could almost almost kind of half understand (still 100% disagree with) him being a dick if he didnt go away himself!

i mean actually, I can't at all - but I do have a couple of friends in relationships like that (or were) but NEITHER of them eeevvvvver do anything alone and the fella couldnt cope with the kids alone

But how fucking dare he go away himself but treat you like a cheating whore?

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2021 10:09

OP if you are who I think you are and have posted before about this situation - go and take time to properly rest and think through how to leave

frazzledquaver · 01/07/2021 10:10

@PartridgeFeather

Act like a doormat and a controlling dick will walk all over you.

LTB if at all possible. If not, just tell him to STFU and enjoy your weekend.

Oh, and find a friend or other reliable person to babysit if your parents are so reluctant to see their DGC.

This kind of victim blaming crap on Mumsnet is so unhelpful. Women who are in abusive relationships, possibly without family support, don't need this kind of hectoring language directed at them.
Clymene · 01/07/2021 10:10

You said on your other thread that your children love your parents. I'm sure they would welcome you all with open arms.

Please get out and get yourselves safe. You can do this.

OrangeBlossomMacaron · 01/07/2021 10:10

I really don't know what to say. I can't quite believe that you live like this or that you remain married to such a solid gold prick Confused

LondonJax · 01/07/2021 10:11

Echoing the LTB comments.

I just asked DH what he would say if I had the chance of a night away (I didn't mention the post so I could get his unbiased reaction).

'Great, well I'm at home (he's WFH at the moment) so DS would be fine' 'Is it over a weekend, do you think DS would like to do swimming then the cinema' 'Would you need a lift to the station' ...

All of which are normal responses. I have never known DH to mention even the possibility that I'd be playing away. It wouldn't occur to either of us. It's very bizarre to even think it if there's no history of you meeting other men.

So my view, it's not a silly joke, he's not behaving normally and most men (and women) would just have a conversation around the kids or possible events that may have been overlooked.