Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

Do not stay with him.

My ex was jealous and controlling and that meant that I slowly started to change my behaviour to try and minimise his jealousy. He was also a hypocrite but even he wasn't as blatant as your husband.

From now on, do what you want, go where you want with who you want. If he has a problem with it then leave him (I think you should leave him anyway).

I cannot tell you how wonderful my life has been since being out of a controlling and jealous (and financially abusive) relationship.

So I would go. I know he will be a nightmare, but he will anyway because you even dared consider it. He is trying to control you. Get angry, don't bend to his will. Tell him in no uncertain terms you are going, the kids are fine, you hope he has a good time away, and that you will be doing the same. The first time he texts you or calls to hassle you, block him (you dont need contact "because of the kids', they're with your parents). Warn him first if you must. Then relax and enjoy yourself. Turn this on him. Take back control.
Do this to get through this weekend, and have a good time. Then seriously think about leaving him because this will not stop.

Remember you can't control what others do and say, or how they act, only your response to it. Do not let him bully and control you by doing what he demands. How dare he?

Go to your parents and never go back. He will kill you. He is a dangerous man. He is the type to hurt the children to get at you. It’s just a matter of time before he comes good on his promises.

I'd pretend to cancel the night out and go to your parents, then phone the police and women's aid.

IE go to your parents when he's out.

I am a concerned now if you stand your ground and defy him.

He will hurt you. He will hurt the kids.

Get away from him, don’t try to match him

I do not understand why people are being so flippant about just going this weekend and enjoying yourself. He has explicitly said he will need two bodybags if he ever catches you. That's a death threat. And I'm far from a dramatic person. I'd be calling women's aid this weekend not a bloody spa day

Well he certainly won't be wanting to have the DC 50% will be so you will get decent CMS.

I would contact local police domestic violence unit and explain about the death threat and you are planning to leave and you think things will escalate. They can put a marker on your address and phone should you ever call 999

Please, please go. Having a night away might help give you a new perspective on the kind of life you have with your husband. But mostly it will be fun! and you deserve fun.

Your husband's behaviour is not normal. You deserve to be able to see your friends without being policed.

I had a family member in an abusive relationship with someone who succeeded in isolating and controlling them - they eventually escaped and divorced, so it can be done, even if there are children in the picture. Wishing you courage.

What he has said is chilling.
I agree with the pp who says call womens aid.
You need to leave him and raise your children in an environment where death threats are not the norm. I'd be very concerned about him having time alone with them.
Sorry OP, not what you want to hear.

You need to leave him asap.

A normal man wouldn't do this.

I've been away on my own loads and my husband has taken our son away without me since he was tiny. He's also been abroad himself and even though he's not as sociable as me he knows he can go out anytime.

You deserve not to be treated like this.

Bloody hell what an awful man!

@AnyFucker

This controlling loser is limiting your life

No man is worth that

Your children are learning some damaging lessons here

This.

This is not a life, or a marriage. He is threatening you - listen to him and get the heck out of there.

It’s all said in a half jokey way, but I don’t think he’s joking. He will say he is though.
It is not the first time he has made the body bag comment.

Can I just ask why you're still with this guy?

Bollocks to this, if you want to leave him then you can. You dint need his permission to do it !

As soon as you are safely able, get out of there. Your wage is ok, you will probably be able to extract some money from the divorce. His attitude is demeaning, disrespectful and has no place in a family home or our society. Show him the fucking door.

'Allow me'
Are you a child?
He can't look after his own children?
What's the point of him?

No. You need to leave him.

Ah, so he's told you that he's going to kill you. Won't you listen to him? What more will it take for you to hear what he's actually saying? You can do this, you are strong enough, even if you don't feel it. Please, please go and don't come back.

In a couple of years your life will be so different you'll look back on this with disbelief.

I find it hard - still. It feels a grey area. I told my friend when he’d said about needing body bags before and she said her boyfriend says that if he found her with another man he’d burn his feet so he couldn’t run away?! Which sounded awful but she thinks it’s funny so then I’m back to thinking...what if DH is just joking about it?
Then I try and imagine myself saying this sort of thing, even as joke, to anyone ever and I cannot.

It’s not like you to have a night away

This means, ' Its not like you to have a night away because I never let you. Your pulling against the reins I have you on. I'm not going to let you out of my control. I'm going to make sure you get firmly back in that box.'

It sounds like your friend is also in an abusive relationship

Please please get out. Initially I thought your husband was just a twat and taking the piss out if you. Now I think he's an abusive arsehole who you need to leave ASAP.