Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

@AnyFucker

Go to your parents and never go back. He will kill you. He is a dangerous man. He is the type to hurt the children to get at you. It’s just a matter of time before he comes good on his promises.

This too. He is unhinged and exactly the type to mess with you via the kids. Report to police his threats of murder so that at least you have a trail. Hopefully the 12 y/o would choose not to spend any time with him. The 5 y/o it might not be so simple but if you have any of his threats in writing that would help - does he text you at all? I might be tempted to give him enough rope this weekend to incriminate himself by text to help you safeguard your DCs in future.

He said it other way round - good for the goose isn’t good for the gander.
That’s me and my quick typing.
Suppose he means he can go away but I can’t.

Poor you. From the outside looking in, I would say get away from this man. It is easy to say though and very difficult for you to do. For the sake of your sanity and rest of your life I hope you are able to plan and do it. Believe me, when you are away from such a controlling man you will become your proper self again. All the luck in the world.

Please go your children will be fine . I know it isn't easy to just leave but consider your future with a man who won't care for his own children and "gives your permission" to have time away, what a twat he is.

WTF OP, why are you with this abuser? He sounds absolutely disgusting.
Sexist double-standards - he can go away but you can't? Making death threats about body bags? F*cking disgusting. Please please raise your standards out of the gutter, leave this knobhead and don't get together with anyone who treats you like shit ever again. Leaving him may put you in danger - please seek advice from Women's Aid.

He can fuck right off with all that nonsense!
It’s not like you’re locking the kids in a garden kennel for the night you’ve arranged grandparents to take care of them, they will be fine.
I am going to shout at you now but it’s for your own good… DO NOT CANCEL! Go for your weekend away and bloody enjoy yourself.

@Mrsjayy

Please go your children will be fine . I know it isn't easy to just leave but consider your future with a man who won't care for his own children and "gives your permission" to have time away, what a twat he is.

^^ Absolutely this.

Plus, please go and see a solicitor and start making plans. You and your children deserve better.

The question is OP, how much of your life do you want to throw away living with a controlling abuser.

It seems a terrible waste, but it’s your life and only you can change it.

He doesnt own you, so why are you letting him control you? How on earth did this start?
Id go now on principle. Fuck him. Who does he think he is?

So.... He doesn't trust you and he's threatening to kill you? Go have your night. But if you want to leave you should. Depending on where you live 1600 is doable for a single parent. Are your hours during school time? You'd get maintenance too - and every other weekend with friends!

He's threatening you. It's not a joke. Do think about what steps you need to take to leave. So much wisdom and advice on here from people who have done it, you're not alone. Meanwhile, go on that night out. It will give you strength too

For Christ’s sake go. Go permanently. I’m so angry for you, OP.

I think UC would top up to about 2k, I think.
It might be manageable but it would be tight.
He would have £150k to do whatever he liked with, but I wouldn’t be his problem anymore, he wouldn’t have to give me anything if he had the dc 50/50. I DO NOT want him to have them 50/50. Not because of the money but because I am the primary care giver by a long chalk, I’m not really sure how they’d cope if they suddenly had to spend half their time with him.

This is your life. Are you going to live it in fear?

I think I remember your last thread about him. Please please leave. You earn a decent wage (don’t let him tell you otherwise) and you’d be entitled to help form government.

@Sunshineandflipflops

Close to not going? WHy the hell aren't you close to leaving your controlling tit of a husband?

This ....

Ask him what the fuck he gets up to when he's away that he instantly assumes you're shagging.

But mostly sort out getting this idiot out of your life.

If he won't have them over night, while he might enjoy wielding the power of the 50/50 card, the reality is it's the last thing he would want. I'd hope his lack of parental involvement would go against him when deciding custody arrangements. I'd hope.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I think UC would top up to about 2k, I think. It might be manageable but it would be tight. He would have £150k to do whatever he liked with, but I wouldn’t be his problem anymore, he wouldn’t have to give me anything if he had the dc 50/50. I DO NOT want him to have them 50/50. Not because of the money but because I am the primary care giver by a long chalk, I’m not really sure how they’d cope if they suddenly had to spend half their time with him.

Don't assume he would have the children 50/50. How would he cope with that plus work, particularly during school holidays? How old are they?

From you what you have said, I very much doubt he would actually want the reality of 50/50.

How would that work when he can't even cope with them for one night?

Dinosaur

I think your fear re the kids is unfounded in all reality. Such abusive men would not want their children half the week; many abusers say similar and he has in all likelihood threatened same as a means of keeping you under control. He is not bothered all that much with his children anyway; he merely sees them as pawns in his game or as possessions to beat you about the head with.

Why do you think he'd get them 50/50?
You need real life expert help here. Phone women's aid and ask them how to get out. Don't think you are wasting their time because your husband is seriously abusive and I believe dangerous.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from this model of one?. This is no legacy to leave them.

Can you leave this weekend while he's away?