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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, night away.

386 replies

Dinosaurrescueteam · 01/07/2021 08:08

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 03/07/2021 20:46

I do feel that at their ages it shouldn’t result in the hysteria and sulking I faced last night.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/07/2021 20:51

one of my kids always kicks off when left.
You have done nothing wrong though. Ignore it. Theyll get over it. Its important that you still have a life. You werent put on this earth to serve them and never have a night to yourself ever again

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 20:51

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I do feel that at their ages it shouldn’t result in the hysteria and sulking I faced last night.
No, it shouldn’t. Someone taught them that behaviour and quite possibly encouraged it.
fluffylittle · 03/07/2021 20:52

Op I don't suppose dh managed to say anything to your dc? Their reactions sound a bit strange. Or even your parents? My dd used to cryyyyy when I left her but a few distractions meant she forgot all about me doing enough.
I hope you find a way out of talk of this. Sounds exhausting.

fluffylittle · 03/07/2021 20:52

Soon enough *

Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 03/07/2021 20:55

It does worry me. How would they cope if I left? Leaving them crying then would be horrendous.

OP posts:
GravityFalls · 03/07/2021 20:56

Not fair of your mum to guilt trip you too. My mum would have distracted DC with something and encouraged me to make a quick exit, and certainly wouldn’t be reporting back about them being upset (even if they were).

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 20:57

@Dinosaurrescueteam

It does worry me. How would they cope if I left? Leaving them crying then would be horrendous.
Take them with you, ffs. They need to get away from your vile husband as much as you do.
Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 03/07/2021 21:01

Oh yes, they’d come too - but when they have to go to him up to half of the time.

OP posts:
WildImaginings · 03/07/2021 21:08

You are damaging your children and yourself by staying with this man.

fluffylittle · 03/07/2021 21:13

I think you need to seek help. People are right that you are damaging your dc by allowing your dh to treat you and potentially them like this but you seem to be excusing your situation.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 03/07/2021 21:19

They don’t have to go half the time.

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 21:21

He’s not going to want them for half the time. He’ll find himself a new princess and he’ll be too busy controlling her.

Terhou · 03/07/2021 21:27

t was a struggle because I had to leave dd absolutely howling and begging me not to go. Ds wasn’t much better. He was extremely stroppy and wanted to know why I needed to go for a whole night. He wouldn’t then say goodbye to me.

DH was ok in the end, maybe because my friend fetched me from my parents’ house so they and the dc saw her. He called three times. Ds called three times but only to tell me how upset dd was without me and that she was singing sad songs about me not being there

Something tells me your DH had been winding your children up about this. Presumably they manage to cope when he has a night out?

In any event, it will do your children all the good in the world to discover that it's not just fathers who get to go out in the evenings occasionally.

ArabellaScott · 03/07/2021 21:32

OP, this is no way to live. My heart is really aching for you. Who is out there rooting for you, supporting you? Did you talk to your friend? Of course you can bloody go away for a night, your children will be/are completely fine. Someone needs to stand up for you - and it needs to start with you, I'm afraid.

Time to have a think about what you want from life and how you can find a way through. I agree with many posters here, your DH is showing lots of red flags for controlling behaviour, and one of the effects of that is that you can end up feeling helpless and like you have no power or agency over your own life.

This is free, maybe worth having a look?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

myspicynutsarefried · 03/07/2021 21:37

Well done forgetting away.
Your dc being upset is normal, and I'm sure they were fine within a few minutes.
I find you sons attitude of giving you the inquisition and then sulking, then ringing and emotionally blackmailing you chilling.
Op your son is still young, but his behaviour is really telling about what he's seeing and experiencing at home and clearly on a regular basis.
I'd be willing to bet a certain amount of your husbands behaviour you've become immune to.
You need to leave before your husband does more psychological damage to you all.
Easier said then done, especially when your mother is clearly not going to give you the support you need.
Sorry Op, I think you have a challenging time ahead, but once you are free, you will feel so much happier (you dc will be happier too).

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 03/07/2021 21:43

After all this, putting your own fears aside, you are part of the longer term problem for the kids if you don't take them away. This sounds harsh but it's true. They need you to step up.
Make plans. Leave. FFS. For them. For you

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 03/07/2021 21:47

What makes you think he would want them even 50% of the time? He can’t even look after them by himself now. It’s just something manipulative partners spout to stop you leaving.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 03/07/2021 21:47

You're second guessing yourself about how bad he really is.

You were scared to tell him you were planning a night away.

Doesn't that tell you everything?

Sweetheart, it's not normal to live like this. If you can leave him for good this weekend, I would. And if nit, make serious plans for the next time he's away.

JSL52 · 03/07/2021 21:55

@Dinosaurrescueteam

My son made me feel massively guilty too. I am so tired of trying to keep everyone happy.
Perhaps he's copying his Dad ?
shiningcuckoo · 03/07/2021 22:04

This is bullshit. And no way for you to live anymore. Is he reasonable enough for a serious talk about his words and behaviours? And your mum needs a serious talk too. She should be on your side and if she can't, then have a lot less to do with her. My kids are teens now but still sometimes play the pathetic card if I go away. I tell them that they have other people around them and it's not all about them and have done this since I became a solo parent a number of years ago.

Millionaireinthemaking · 03/07/2021 22:35

Go. The bastard needs to get used to it. Do not let him control you

HalzTangz · 03/07/2021 22:52

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I think UC would top up to about 2k, I think. It might be manageable but it would be tight. He would have £150k to do whatever he liked with, but I wouldn’t be his problem anymore, he wouldn’t have to give me anything if he had the dc 50/50. I DO NOT want him to have them 50/50. Not because of the money but because I am the primary care giver by a long chalk, I’m not really sure how they’d cope if they suddenly had to spend half their time with him.
If he won't have the children one night on his own I doubt he will try for 50/50. Go through child maintenance as they take a percentage of his wage, which means you won't be as tight financially as you think. If you are in the UK, what area, that will give a idea if it's manageable, ie, London is more expensive to rent than than somewhere outside the city
HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 03/07/2021 22:54

So it's perfectly ok for him to have a night away with his mates, but when it comes to you having a girly night away with one of your friends he doesn't like it? Yep tell him to jog on!! I know someone like you. It's perfectly fine for his silly cow of a wife to go out with her only friend yet apart from going to work he's not allowed to leave the house without her. And slightly different here but she's literally got rid of his Friends bar me because I saw right through her

FaceyRomford · 03/07/2021 22:56

I'd be going and not coming back.

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