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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, night away.

386 replies

Dinosaurrescueteam · 01/07/2021 08:08

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

OP posts:
shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 01/07/2021 18:15

Positive attention that should be. I bet you get plenty of negative attention and comments from him

AbstractEim · 01/07/2021 18:32

He hasn’t had the kids on his own once, even for a single night in 13years, there’s no way he’ll actually go through with 50/50 split. He’ll threaten it to keep u at home but no way would it happen in reality. Get away from him, he’s a vile twat.

PinotPony · 01/07/2021 18:52

That really isn't normal behaviour for a loving partner. It's controlling and possessive. You are not his! You're an adult who is perfectly capable of deciding what you do with your time.

I'm sure you can think of a million reasons to stay. It's scary and takes courage to leave but i beg you to listen to the unanimous advice on here. You've wasted 13 years with this dominating arsehole. Don't waste any more. Go and find your happy. 💐

MrsBobDylan · 01/07/2021 19:06

You posted about this recently and everyone told you he is abusive. If you stay with a man who makes 'jokes' about body bags and is so jealously unstable he won't allow you to be away from him, then you and your dc aren't safe.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

MrsBobDylan · 01/07/2021 19:11

Are you listening to the good advice on this thread op? Will you act on it? You don't sound as though you have taken on board what a threat this man is to you and your children.

Clangerschick · 01/07/2021 19:38

He’s a massive test as every reply on here has told you. But only you can do anything about it for yourself and your children.
Stand up for yourself, stop taking his crap and leave the prat.

Welshgal85 · 01/07/2021 19:40

This is awful, sorry but he sounds vile! How much longer can you put up with this? I would be long gone. You deserve better than him and are definitely not overreacting! What century does he think this is?!

He is showing you no respect in so many ways. I feel so angry on your behalf! Do not cancel, go and enjoy your time with your friends, you bloody deserve it!

stevalnamechanger · 01/07/2021 21:12

Eugh LTB .

DinoDanni · 01/07/2021 21:18

He's a total asshole. Go on your night away and start making plans to separate permanently.

His reaction would make me suspicious of what HE is up to on this weekend away!!

Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 02/07/2021 07:09

I’m going but I feel massively anxious about it.
To be fair he didn’t mention it too much again and he’s left already for his weekend away.
I thought he might have another go about it but thankfully not.

OP posts:
feelingchicken99 · 02/07/2021 07:17

I remember your last thread, OP enjoy your evening with your friends give one of them your phone for the day/evening so you can relax with out him checking in on his princess.
Start getting your ducks in a row and go live life with out him no one should ever be made to feel shit for having a time to yourself

AhNowTed · 02/07/2021 07:20

To be fair??

There's zero fair here.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 07:31

Your parents should t have to look after the kids for you to get a night away. Their father should be looking after them. I know it clashes with his this time but it's obvious he never looks after them for you to have s night out or away .... While he does repeatedly.

If you look after the kids while he has nights out or away, then he should be looking after tthem for you to.do the same.

If my DH goes out or away I look.after our child, if I do; he does. That's fair.

Then there's the "jokey" jealousy etc .. from a man who has plenty of nights out and away from the sounds out .. when you're expected not be be jealous or to assume he's be cheating.

The way his mind works is pretty disgusting and worrying ...you have to.wunder if it's projection from.his own values & activities.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 07:33

*sounds of it

You're in s totally unfair, unequal relationship, you must know this.

I can't believe that you were thinking of cancelling your night out when he stated giving you shit .... While he's had so many nights out/away and is going on another one.

Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 02/07/2021 07:33

I was just grateful he didn’t go on about it again.

I know that’s not normal either but I still was. I know I should leave but I’m not sure I will ever be ready and I don’t know how to make myself more ready. I’ve tried.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 02/07/2021 07:37

You remind me of a previous poster OP.

The poor girl had to photo who she was with to "prove" it to him.

Why in gods name do you ask his permission.

This is so wrong.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 07:38

Oh and btw one person being a part-time worker or sahp doesn't make any difference. They have equal.rights to nights out/away. Both are contributing (in fact the part timer/sahp would have even more need for a break from.kids).

He should be able to look after his own kids in his own ... It's not women's work, it's parent's work.

He sounds totally sexist and I doubt he's ever going to change tbh. I can't believe he's set up this dynamic in a relationship past the 1970s.

Nice bit of guilting/manipulation about the kis too when trying to stop you from going
He knows he can use mum guilt to try to make you go nowhere and have no nights out. And the more it's set up.likr that the more he can say "you never go away, they're not used to it, they'll her upset etc etc".

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 07:42

It sounds like a good counsellor could help you.

Also it's mostly about domestic violence, which apparently dies t apply here, but you could still read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, which is an excellent book about male abusers Inc jealousy etc.

Esp the "myths about abuse" and "abuser profiles" part.

It's online free.

chemicalworld · 02/07/2021 07:45

You would be better off financially without him, and you would no longer have a third man child to look after too. What is it keeping you there? You are clearly unhappy to keep posting about it.

Persephonegoddess · 02/07/2021 07:50

You need to get away.....

Can you clarify though? is your friend that you are going away with a man or a woman? It's just the twin bed and 'him' comments imply a man? Or is the man he talking about fictitious to use to abuse you?

Original poster
Dinosaurrescueteam · 02/07/2021 07:53

A female friend.

OP posts:
reader12 · 02/07/2021 08:00

Oh OP I remember you.

Please please please confide in your friend about what your marriage is really like. Maybe she’ll help you begin to see how much happier you would be without him. It is possible, and you can do it.

Ladylimpet · 02/07/2021 08:00

It's my first ever ltb too. You have to. It might seem impossible, but I'm sure you'll be so much happier. You have to do it for your kids. You cannot show them this sort of thing is normal..
We have to show these thugs this isn't how you treat people, and it's not how you want to live. Life is too short for all that bs.
You could be so much happier. I feel for you and hope you pluck up the strength to leave.

Terhou · 02/07/2021 08:03

I’m going but I feel massively anxious about it.

So he achieved his goal of spoiling it for you and deterring you from thinking of doing anything similar again. Please start planning your next night out right now.

BishBashBoshBush · 02/07/2021 08:09

Tell your friend everything- start telling people what he's like. If that's too difficult send your friend a link to your threads on here and ask her to read them.
I'm concerned he's not said anything else and left calmly- I might be paranoid but I'm thinking tracking devices, hacked phone, then later demands for "proof" and/or abusive threatening messages in the evening.

If you can, get back early on Sunday before he's home, pack up your and the kids stuff and go straight to your parents house then contact relevant agencies from there.