Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

A female friend.

The way his mind works is "interesting".

So if you go away for a night with a female friend, it's actually a bloke you're cheating with but if he goes away for a night with a male friend/s , it's .... What?

I'd worry about projection there.

@BishBashBoshBush

Tell your friend everything- start telling people what he's like. If that's too difficult send your friend a link to your threads on here and ask her to read them. I'm concerned he's not said anything else and left calmly- I might be paranoid but I'm thinking tracking devices, hacked phone, then later demands for "proof" and/or abusive threatening messages in the evening.

If you can, get back early on Sunday before he's home, pack up your and the kids stuff and go straight to your parents house then contact relevant agencies from there.

Please don’t going around telling everyone before you leave. That’s very dangerous advice to give someone leaving an abusive relationship.

I was thinking more about creating some more support for the OP and having close friends know what's going on should be helpful surely?

You've posted before about not being able to go away and him never having the kids on his own haven't you?

He isn't joking.
You know he isn't.
Get Out of this relationship.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I was just grateful he didn’t go on about it again.

I know that’s not normal either but I still was. I know I should leave but I’m not sure I will ever be ready and I don’t know how to make myself more ready. I’ve tried.

Have you ever contacted Women's Aid? They can support you through all aspects of this, and if you never get to the stage where you are ready to leave they won't force you. If you want to get to the stage where you are ready to leave, they will help you. Please consider giving them a phone when your husband is away, when you'll have the space to speak freely to them.

The body bag comment just sent shivers down my spine. My ex partner used to tell me he would need two bullets when he finally caught me (convinced I was cheating and it was only a matter of time. He never caught me. Because I wasn’t cheating.) Please leave. It only gets worse. I’m happily married now, heading off on a hen do in a weeks time. My DH only comment was that him and the dog can watch the Euros in peace.

What’s keeping you there?

Get rid ffs

I can't believe you're still with this creature.

OP, in a healthy relationship you can go away for a weekend and your partner is happy for you. Encourages you to do it, even, knowing that it will bring you peace/joy/a break. There is not even a mention of jealousy, when you have a trusting, healthy relationship.

There are better ways to live. It's hard to see it when you're in it, I know. Hard to understand the problems when you're right in the midst.

I hope you are enjoying your night away 💐 hope it gives you some space to work out what you want to do next

Op in the nicest possible way there will never be the perfect time or opportunity. It will never be easy and it will take serious bravery and yes he make make your life difficult initially but gradually as you break the chains you will find yourself again and learn to take control.

What you do need to do it you stop thinking about all the detail (essential paperwork aside) and DO IT. Leave/kick him out and don't look back.

I went away, I had a nice time.
It was a struggle because I had to leave dd absolutely howling and begging me not to go. Ds wasn’t much better. He was extremely stroppy and wanted to know why I needed to go for a whole night. He wouldn’t then say goodbye to me.

DH was ok in the end, maybe because my friend fetched me from my parents’ house so they and the dc saw her. He called three times. Ds called three times but only to tell me how upset dd was without me and that she was singing sad songs about me not being there.

There I times when I just think I’ll give up tbh.

That’s a sad update OP. Glad you had a good time and this shows you need to do it more as your DCs need to see that you can do things like this as well as their father.

Oh, OP. I'm glad you had a nice time.

Please don't give up. Take heart.

I find it difficult because my parents round in on me too. Not so much my dad, but my mum thought I shouldn’t go because the dc were upset and she’s still grumpy about it now. Didn’t want to know about anything I’d done or if I’d had a nice time.
It makes me equally guilty, frustrated and annoyed. It doesn’t seem a huge amount to ask and yet everyone guilt trips me into feeling terrible.

But your parents think that your DH going away is fine?

Everyone is entitled to time off, you’re still you as well as being a mum.

If your parents are like that, then you were brought up to accept being treated like chattel so it's no surprise you have accepted being treated like shit up until now.
I only hope you are able to break free.
This thread breaks my heart.

OP, have you read The Gift of Fear - do!!
I’m glad you went, sorry your parents aren’t much help.
There are paid babysitting options of course… for future plans.
But more importantly, having read the Gift of Fear and Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing- men who “joke” about killing very often actually do it.
You might not see that now. But I’m scared it could be the next time.
See if you can have a very serious conversation with your parents, go by yourself. Tell them what’s going on and why you needed to get out and why you needed their help.
If they don’t get it, and don’t help you, you know you don’t need them either.
Call women’s aid.
Please don’t give up!!

My son made me feel massively guilty too.
I am so tired of trying to keep everyone happy.

You can’t carry on like this. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for everyone else.

What are you going to do? Because you can’t keep on like this forever.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

My son made me feel massively guilty too. I am so tired of trying to keep everyone happy.

Your son’s had a good teacher, hasn’t he, @Dinosaurrescueteam? If anything would make me absolutely determined to get out, it would be seeing my children becoming as manipulative as their dad. Do you want your son to grow up into a controlling, manipulative shit and your daughter into a doormat? Because that’s what they’re learning. If you won’t call time on this for yourself, do it for them.

You can see where your DC have learnt that from. Just shows what DC pick up from their parents’ behaviour

Of course the children kicked off! Most children are ok when mum or dad has a night away. But yours aren't used to you going away and leaving them. Don't feel guilty. You need time for yourself once in a while.

I do hope you're taking on board some of the advice here. This is about so much more than just a night away.

You need to do things that take you away for a night more regularly so your family can start to realise the sky won't fall in when you're not there. Next time perhaps go when your H is at home to look after the kids so its not such a change for them.
You need to make a stand and claim your own time.