Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

This is horrifying. He's an abusive, controlling dickhead.

I'd be pretty close to filing for divorce, to be honest, rather than pretty close to not going.

Actually, that's a lie. I'd have been long gone. Controlling twat.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Comments about two body bags, him going to prison I would be very scared and speak to womens aid.

I honestly think that a lot of boys grow up believing this is attractive. The ' I want you and nobody else will have you' bullshit seems to be, for some women, accepted as protectiveness and love

This paradigm needs to end. Girls need to be taught that this is NOT love or respect, but control and being property.

OP is a Woman who has tacitly accepted this shit for years. Like so many of us.
It breaks my heart. And their kids will grow up thinking this is ok.

OP LTB. Seriously. You are not a piece of property. Find your self-worth.

In my previous relationship donkeys years ago I used to HATE it when my ex went out on nights out. He was a really decent guy, I had no reason whatsoever not to trust him, he kept in contact all night, always came home. But I just did not trust him. This is because I knew what I got up to on a night out. I never cheated on him, but I was unbelievably flirty and definitely crossed the line a few times. I didn’t trust myself if I got too drunk.

I know people think it would never be their partner, but my ex thought the same about me. I look back and can’t believe what I was like, but from that I have learned how easy it is to pull the wool over someone’s eyes. I loved him to bits but I just couldn’t help myself on nights out, I enjoyed it too much. He never suspected a thing and trusted me 100%.

The reason a lot of the time for people’s jealousy and mistrust is that they are the ones up to no good, so they cannot fathom how anyone else could be loyal.

Wow, this is awful. I hope you manage to get away from this man. He's controlling, abusive and dangerous. You might be worse off financially without him, but your life would be better in every other way.

This sounds quite worrying to me. I mean what would he do if you left? It doesn't sound like he'd settle down for a quiet think with a library book.

a) he won't let you go out b) he won't look after his own kids c) he threatens you...and you have stayed how long? Relationships aren't supposed to be that way.

Please, please pay attention to what everyone on this thread is saying. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

The regularity of this type of thread is so depressing.

You mention that your parents 'reluctantly' are having the DC. Why 'reluctant'? Is it because they should be with their father and he refuses to have them? I ask because I don't know if they're reluctant because they resent his bullshit or if they're just reluctant to provide care (as some G-parents are). And I hope you realize that the reason he won't have them is so you're trapped at home.

Would your parents be sympathetic to your leaving him? If you feel they would be sympathetic, please talk to them. Chances are they already feel you should leave him but are hesitant to say anything they may feel you are not ready to hear. So often (and I speak from experience) we don't tell our loved ones the true state of our marriages. Sometimes it's because we don't want them to know because then they'll encourage us to leave and perhaps we aren't 'there' yet. Mine was because divorce was considered a disgrace and a failure in our family so I said nothing until my exH was gone and it was a 'fait accompli'. My parents were actually happy when I told them as they knew the marriage was a mistake in the first place.

Talk to your parents if you can. But if they will not support you in leaving this vile bully, seek your support elsewhere. Chances are your friends are sick to death of the way he treats you (my friends were) and are waiting and praying for you to 'see the light'.

OP this is one of the saddest threads I’ve read on mn and I’ve around a long time. Please get advice from a domestic abuse support worker on how to leave safely.

Go. Otherwise he wins. And if he tries to 'make you pay for it' then you have some thinking to do about whether you want to continue in a relationship like this.
And do not pander and reassure him.

It won’t really be better if you don’t go now - cancelling will ‘prove’ to him you were jollying with a guy but he would have found out. He will continue to go on and on about it. It might seem easier to not go but it really won’t be plus it stops you going forever.
Personally, I hope you do find a way to leave and be able to live like an average grown up normally does, but either way giving up on this night won’t help anything.
Lots of luck OP.

Why do you put up with this? Tell him to fuck off.

I wouldn't be going if it meant leaving my children with the grandparents who didn't want to have them. What I would be doing is divorcing the controlling pillock I had found myself married to if I was you. He's a dick. He's not joking. He's horrible.

You’ve posted about this before and we’re given some very good advice. I’m not really sure what you are trying to achieve by posting the same story again.

He’s an abusive arsehole. You should get your shit together and tell him that you want to be in a relationship

@SunshineCake

I wouldn't be going if it meant leaving my children with the grandparents who didn't want to have them. What I would be doing is divorcing the controlling pillock I had found myself married to if I was you. He's a dick. He's not joking. He's horrible.

I bet the grandparents are resentful of the fact that they need to step up and have their GCs overnight because their dad refuses to look after them, rather than them simply not wanting to have them.

my parents would be absolutely livid if I was with a guy who controlled me by refusing to look after his own children to stop me having a night out

-lease leave you can work everything out later, hugs.

He thinks you're his possession.

You've asked about this before, you know the score and you know it isn't right.

Are you going to get your affairs in order and protect your children?

Oh f**k me, you need to leave.

This is dangerous and quite scary how you just brush it off.

I have only seen, and heard things like this, on those crime programmes, all about jealous and controlling Husbands, and what they might plan to do, so don't take anything that you think he is joking about.

Contact Womans Aid op. Do some reading , the Lundy book is excellent. And keep posting , but safely . It might nor happen immediately but you will find the strength to leave your abuser.

This so awful OP. I really recommend the National Domestic Violence helpline because they are very expert in this type of abuse and usually easier to get through to than Women's Aid but FFS phone someone, tell your GP, tell anyone that your husband is controlling and threatening and that you need help:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Wow! Just cannot understand the mentality of some human beings.

He sees himself as so dominant and important. You and the kids must be treated worse than animals but also owned and kept in line so as not to show him up.

It's all about him isn't it OP. Does he pay you or the kids any attention if it doesn't benefit him/ others watching to see it?