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Original poster

Feeling so sad about DB and SIL

245 replies

porkincider · 30/06/2021 22:58

I have 2dc who, until Covid hit last year used to see my brother and his wife at least once a month. They live just over an hour away, are absolutely brilliant with DC and DC just love them to pieces. I really enjoy their company too and we’d always have lovely days together when we saw each other. Throughout the pandemic he’s been sending them presents and daft letters and comics that he’s made for them but he never wanted to speak to them on Zoom or anything.

They’ve been trying for dc for a while and at the beginning of last year found out that sadly it’s unlikely to happen even with IVF, although they’re still going to give IVF a go as they’re entitled to one round and want to do it before SIL is over the age limit. Since finding this out they’ve been understandably heartbroken but said that they’ve actually quite benefited from lockdown as they’ve been able to spend lots of time together just the two of them.

Since restrictions have relaxed I’ve been contacting them to see when they’d like to meet up but they’ve kept putting me off. Eventually at the weekend brother tells me that he’s sorry but he’s love to see me but he can’t face seeing my dc at the moment as children upset SIL too much. I asked if I could meet up with just him (single parent, one child with ASD and absolutely no one I could leave them with) but he said that he’d find it too upsetting too.

I asked if he thinks he’ll be happy to see them in future and he said that while him and his wife have hope of a child, no matter how faint he can’t see a point where he’d be comfortable around my dc. He said he’d love to maintain the relationship with my dc, that he loves them and misses them and just loves making the comics for them that he does but he just can’t bring himself to see them. I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Just wait until DC stop asking about him and let them enjoy the comics he sends them and nothing else? Wait for a decade until they’ve given up hope of having a child and then the relationship will continue?

I’d love for them to have a baby more than anything but I don’t know how to deal with it. It certainly means, for the foreseeable future at least, that I just can’t see my brother anymore as I have no one to have my kids.

Any advice? Just wait it out and wish them the best? It’s all just so sad.

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 01/07/2021 09:48

Children are not something you can pick up and drop regardless of what else is going on in your life. Where is the compassion for the OP and DC? She is a single parent of a child with additional needs and it sounds like she has little support. Her brother could be kinder too.

There may not be any relationship to salvage and that is a shame.

Original poster
porkincider · 01/07/2021 09:49

Bloody hell can everyone drop the surrogacy thing? A poster asked me if I’d consider it, I wouldn’t. I know for a fact my brother wouldn’t consider using a surrogate either, whether that surrogate be myself or anyone else. There is absolutely no way his feeling would have changed on this as it’s something he has actively campaigned against in the past. But I’m still getting shit for not considering being a surrogate in a selfish way apparently Confused.

I’m going to apologise to my brother and have already said this. I’m going to give him all the time he needs, I’ve also said this. I’m not going to push it again, as I’ve said. For the final time I am simply upset at the situation - I’m heartbroken that my brother and his wife are going through a horrible time and I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost the only support network and family that I have.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 01/07/2021 09:50

Infertility is one of the hardest things a person can face, it has higher levels of depression and withdrawl than terminal cancer.

Its not about you or your child, they have been very clear and honest but you're still pushing it for your own agenda - you need to back off.

glowyowy · 01/07/2021 09:51

Yabu to make this about you and your dc.leave them be!

fruitbrewhaha · 01/07/2021 09:51

There is not a lot you can do.

But it's very sad. Your brother and wife are grieving not having children before they have tried everything. Now they are also missing out on seeing your kids. In 18 months they can change a lot and now it could be another 18 months. It's all very sad and could feel like you are all being punished.

Original poster
porkincider · 01/07/2021 09:51

mam0918 what am I doing that is pushing my own agenda? I had one conversation with him where I said some things that upset him which I am going to apologise to him for. Please stop inventing a narrative that simply is t there.

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 01/07/2021 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mam0918 · 01/07/2021 09:56

@PerciphonePuma

To follow on from my previous post - You only have to turn the TV on to see children or step outside your front door and there's children walking with their parents/playing outside. Perhaps he should contact the council and petition to ban all children from his street and from TV?!

Those who think I'm being ridiculous and stupid - How is it much different? He doesn't have to spend extended periods of time with the child/children or have them on his lap. That's absolutely understandable. I DO have empathy for their struggle and I can't imagine how hard it is. However it does not warrant cutting a child off!!!!!!

I withdrew and became a hermit for 3 years (after 6 years of infertility and a loss) and also dont watch TV anymore... your showing how little understanding you have of how hard infertility and grief are.

Also there a wild difference between driving past a kid in the park for a second on the way to a hospital appointment and being forced to have a personal relationship with a child.

Bibidy · 01/07/2021 10:00

This is such a hard situation. I can completely see why you're so upset but I can also see why they might find it painful.

If lockdown hadn't happened it may not have ended up like this, but I can see how being able to avoid children for all this time has produced a king of mental block for them.

I do think it's really sad though and your brother is being a little unrealistic. Despite their pain, they will always have to encounter children and it's really a shame if he cuts out the children closest to him, who he really loves, due to this.

Hopefully they will come around in time. I think all you can do is try and be understanding and just let them know the door is always open.

BungleandGeorge · 01/07/2021 10:01

@Blossomtoes

Would it be easier to pause the cards and comics for a while?

How on earth would that help? It would be unspeakably cruel.

Why? Brothers priority is his wife and dealing with their grief. OPs priority is her children and what would make this easier for them. Their priorities are in the right place. If it makes it harder for the children then it’s absolutely valid. Sometimes it’s much easier for children to be allowed to forget somewhat about things that are causing them pain, or to let difficult relationships slide.
Honeyroar · 01/07/2021 10:03

As someone that couldn’t have children I can completely understand their upset. I went through it myself coming to terms with it.

They’re hurting. They need time. Hopefully in the future they’ll get over this and start getting back to normal. But it will take time. It’s likely to become even more of an upsetting issue while they go through IVF. It is sad for you and your children (and for them) that they’re missing out on each other. It’s probably not the best way to deal with it imo, but it’s what they’ve chosen to do.

charlestonchaplin · 01/07/2021 10:17

@PerciphonePuma
I apologise for my comment. I believe there is a clear difference between the two scenarios but I think I expressed myself poorly and the comment was insulting and unpleasant.

Blossomtoes · 01/07/2021 10:19

If it makes it harder for the children then it’s absolutely valid

OP hasn’t said those hand made comics make it harder for her children, you made that up. Fabulous attitude - uncle maintains relationship with the kids in the way that’s manageable for him so you decide it’s unacceptable and stop that too. It’s really nasty and spiteful.

YelloYelloYello · 01/07/2021 10:20

@TinaYouFatLard

Children are not something you can pick up and drop regardless of what else is going on in your life. Where is the compassion for the OP and DC? She is a single parent of a child with additional needs and it sounds like she has little support. Her brother could be kinder too.

There may not be any relationship to salvage and that is a shame.

Your own children are not other people’s priority.

The OPs children are not the brother and his partner’s priority.

Their priority at the moment is getting through, moment by moment, day by day, the extremely painful and difficult situation they are in.

Peoniesandpeaches · 01/07/2021 10:23

@porkincider

Bloody hell can everyone drop the surrogacy thing? A poster asked me if I’d consider it, I wouldn’t. I know for a fact my brother wouldn’t consider using a surrogate either, whether that surrogate be myself or anyone else. There is absolutely no way his feeling would have changed on this as it’s something he has actively campaigned against in the past. But I’m still getting shit for not considering being a surrogate in a selfish way apparently Confused.

I’m going to apologise to my brother and have already said this. I’m going to give him all the time he needs, I’ve also said this. I’m not going to push it again, as I’ve said. For the final time I am simply upset at the situation - I’m heartbroken that my brother and his wife are going through a horrible time and I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost the only support network and family that I have.

Funny that you post in other threads about having a partner but when people are calling you out for being insensitive and trampling your brothers feelings suddenly you are all on your own.
PurpleFlower1983 · 01/07/2021 10:24

I’m shocked by the lack of empathy on here from some. I’ve been lucky to have two children but that feeling that you cannot have something so wanted when others find it effortless must be devastating. This couple clearly love children and would make fantastic parents, they need a little compassion right now.

Blabla81 · 01/07/2021 10:24

I suffered years of infertility and have been lucky enough to have 2 children through ivf (lots of rounds, failures and losses) so I understand how hard it is to be around those that have what you want. However, these are human beings we’re talking about - not items. I just can’t understand how an Aunty and Uncle, who have previously been in their lives would suddenly no longer want to be because of their own pain. It’s horrible. If they are hopefully successful in having a child / children, and their pain eases, are they suddenly going to be happy to be in their lives again? Because they’ll find it easier to see them? Whilst their feelings are understandable, their actions aren’t. You can’t just drop and pick up other people, children especially, to suit your situation. It’s nasty and selfish. Sorry if anyone disagrees with me, but as I say, I’ve been on the other side of the fence so understand the all consuming hurt.

Original poster
porkincider · 01/07/2021 10:26

peoniesandpeaches I have a boyfriend who lives 2 hours away as you’d know if you’d properly stalked all my previous posts. I didn’t realise having a boyfriend meant that I wasn’t allowed to be upset at losing my relationship with my brother.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/07/2021 10:28

You can’t just drop and pick up other people, children especially, to suit your situation. It’s nasty and selfish.

That happens with family and friends without infertility issues. It’s just life that sometimes you can meet regularly and sometimes you just can’t fit whatever reason. Not everyone lives within easy meeting up distance.

Peoniesandpeaches · 01/07/2021 10:28

You aren’t losing it it’s just changing for the moment… and it was hardly stalking.

YelloYelloYello · 01/07/2021 10:28

I’ve been on the other side of the fence so understand the all consuming hurt.
@Blabla81 You’ve been through your own experience but that doesn’t mean you understand what these particular people are feeling. The brother was literally crying down the phone and you think he’s ‘nasty and selfish’?

Original poster
porkincider · 01/07/2021 10:31

peonoesandpeaches no, it’s not stalking. It’s still a dickish thing to do though. You were obviously just doing it to try and find some proof that I’m a selfish bitch who is making the whole thing up. Maybe just consider that when I say I’m upset that I’ve lost the relationship with my brother it’s because I’m upset that I’ve lost my relationship with my brother. I posted on here looking for a bit of perspective and got some but now I’m just getting pages and pages of people telling me I’m selfish, I’m making it all about me, I’m selfish for not being a surrogate, pushing and pushing for a relationship my brother doesn’t want and now that I’m not allowed to be upset because in a previous post I’d dared mention that I have a boyfriend.

OP posts:
SmokeyDevil · 01/07/2021 10:35

@porkincider

peoniesandpeaches I have a boyfriend who lives 2 hours away as you’d know if you’d properly stalked all my previous posts. I didn’t realise having a boyfriend meant that I wasn’t allowed to be upset at losing my relationship with my brother.
You are still making it about yourself. Losing your relationship with your brother? He wants time to grieve the fact he can't have kids. Stop being so bloody selfish, get a grip and realise that. He will visit again, unless you keep being selfish and saying daft things, then you're screwed because YOU will ruin your relationship with your brother. He needs time, get over that.
YelloYelloYello · 01/07/2021 10:35

@porkincider

peoniesandpeaches I have a boyfriend who lives 2 hours away as you’d know if you’d properly stalked all my previous posts. I didn’t realise having a boyfriend meant that I wasn’t allowed to be upset at losing my relationship with my brother.
It does mean you probably shouldn’t say that by your brother not being mentally strong enough to hang out with your children at the moment you’ve lost “the only support network that I have”.

Especially when he’s said he would still like to meet up with you and have a relationship with you.

Do you children go to school OP? Could you meet up during school hours? Or could your DP come to yours to look after them so you can see your brother?

Blabla81 · 01/07/2021 10:39

@YelloYelloYello

I’ve been on the other side of the fence so understand the all consuming hurt. *@Blabla81* You’ve been through your own experience but that doesn’t mean you understand what these particular people are feeling. The brother was literally crying down the phone and you think he’s ‘nasty and selfish’?
No I don’t think he is nasty and selfish - I think his actions towards the OP’s children are. I understand their hurt completely- it’s horrendous. However, if I’d always previously been close to my nieces and nephews, before the struggle and hurt, I’d not punish them by no longer wanting to see them. I’d put it to one side (even pretend if I had to) just to maintain that relationship and put them first, just for the short time I was seeing them. In this situation they’re being seen as “children” and not humans. I’m not sure if I’m getting across what I’m trying to say without sounding like an insensitive cow.