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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

282 replies

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 08:38

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 30/06/2021 12:41

@Wonderbraaaas

I don’t see how posters are suggesting he is autistic if he is self aware and willing to communicate (even if it takes a long time to get him to open up). Surely they aren’t traits of autism if he has self awareness and has bought a book on relationships?

The formality of things is what bothers me. We went away for the weekend (after a LOT of consideration on his part) and it was so nice. We had a lovely time. When we got back and were saying goodbye the next day he said ‘keep in touch.’ ???? It was the most formal, business like thing, the way he said it, after a weekend of being very close. It’s things like that which throw me off course...I think all is going well and then suddenly it’s like I’m a stranger again?!

Please just google it, OP, if you don't believe everyone saying that being autistic doesn't mean you're incapable of normal communication!
cookiecreampie · 30/06/2021 12:44

Sounds like a man I once dated, it didn't end well. I ended up feeling used and upset and felt it was my fault. With hindsight, I can see he had some kind of issue but never got to the bottom of it. Too much hard work for little reward.

godmum56 · 30/06/2021 12:45

@Wonderbraaaas

I don’t see how posters are suggesting he is autistic if he is self aware and willing to communicate (even if it takes a long time to get him to open up). Surely they aren’t traits of autism if he has self awareness and has bought a book on relationships?

The formality of things is what bothers me. We went away for the weekend (after a LOT of consideration on his part) and it was so nice. We had a lovely time. When we got back and were saying goodbye the next day he said ‘keep in touch.’ ???? It was the most formal, business like thing, the way he said it, after a weekend of being very close. It’s things like that which throw me off course...I think all is going well and then suddenly it’s like I’m a stranger again?!

people who are neuro diverse can absolutely be self aware and willing/wanting to communicate. They may find if difficult, even impossible sometimes but they can learn if they are motivated to do so....you really should watch The Good Doctor
HerewardTheWoke · 30/06/2021 12:48

@Wonderbraaaas

I don’t see how posters are suggesting he is autistic if he is self aware and willing to communicate (even if it takes a long time to get him to open up). Surely they aren’t traits of autism if he has self awareness and has bought a book on relationships?

The formality of things is what bothers me. We went away for the weekend (after a LOT of consideration on his part) and it was so nice. We had a lovely time. When we got back and were saying goodbye the next day he said ‘keep in touch.’ ???? It was the most formal, business like thing, the way he said it, after a weekend of being very close. It’s things like that which throw me off course...I think all is going well and then suddenly it’s like I’m a stranger again?!

What did you say when he said that?

That would have thrown me too, but I would have asked what he meant by that.

sadmummy12345 · 30/06/2021 12:48

F

NotSoLongGoodbye · 30/06/2021 12:50

OP - Aspergers is high functioning autism.

It wasn't common to be tested and diagnosed for autism even as recently as 15 years ago. I have a friend who was diagnosed with autism in her mid-40s - she sought private testing when her DD was diagnosed with autism. Likewise I recently found out a former partner was diagnosed with Aspergers in his 40s - I had no idea when we were together 20 years ago but it all clicked into place once I heard this and now I am better informed.

Many people with autism are good at masking or copying behaviours and emotions so it's not always straightforward. It does sound like your partner could be on the spectrum without having a formal diagnosis.

WhyNotNow21 · 30/06/2021 12:51

@Needhelp101 Beautifully written and spot on. I also have a penchant for these types too! Ha! Autism is a beautiful wonderful thing. They create the deep thinkers, the change makers - think Elon Musk and Greta Thunberg (both have Aspergers) among so many other brilliant human beings.

OP you may have found a very rare diamond. Please treat him well.

Hallyup6 · 30/06/2021 12:51

He's willing to communicate because he knows it's a social expectation and wants to be able to do it 'correctly' (hence the books).

Please just believe that there are many people on here who are very familiar with the diagnostic criteria for autism and whether you don't agree or whether other people say that Mumsnet always jumps to autism, you've said so many things about him that would fit the diagnostic criteria perfectly.

It's not a bad thing, it just means you have to approach your relationship from a different angle.

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 12:56

It’s very hard to feel someone is committed to you or invested in things when they say ‘keep in touch’ after a wonderful weekend of laughter and closeness! It’s confusing.

I didn’t consider he could be on the spectrum tbh and I don’t know much about it so I will have to look into it and learn about it.

I suppose I worry about being direct with someone so formal as it’s almost like they are trying to keep me at a distance and I’m there trying to progress things!

OP posts:
aiwblam · 30/06/2021 12:57

I certainly wouldn't write him off.

todaysdilemma · 30/06/2021 13:00

OP, you should also read some of the threads on the Relationship board on 'Married to someone with Aspergers' (link below). People detail their experiences and the highs/lows of it - as it can really vary. And a lot depends on you being very understanding and patient, and prepared for what the relationship will be like. Enough posters on here have told you why many of this man's traits resonate and are well know signs of someone being on the spectrum. They can be high functioning, communicative, social, loving, fantastic people - but it can come with challenges around communication, compromise, decision making, rigidity and dealing with change.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers

If you decide to make a go of it with this man, you may find this thread invaluable. It certainly helped me understand my bf better, who is also undiagnosed but definitely somewhere on the spectrum. Our relationship only works because I understand his quirks, am very independent and not particularly emotionally needy, and very direct in how I communicate. Compromise can still be a battle with him, but I know how to communicate things with him and stand my ground (being a negotiator in my day job). Otherwise I think it would have been a real struggle. We did not however, have the issues you do around kissing/sex etc so my advice would be to initiate sex asap. And if he isn't ready for it, you need to have an honest conversation on what's going on.

WhyNotNow21 · 30/06/2021 13:00

Please please be kind to him. I can't bear the thought of another ASD being rejected again by an ill-informed NT because they aren't 'normal'. Makes me want to do a Munch style scream.

Lots of us on here have had very happy marriages to people on the spectrum. It's really not a deal breaker. If you like him a lot, just keep on going and await further developments.

My DH was 37 and single when we got together, living a life of bachelorhood. 18 years later and 2 kids together still going strong. It can work. He's not perfect but no one is...

Reearry · 30/06/2021 13:00

OP, do not let your age make you feel like you need to decide right away. Don't make decisions based out of fear of wasting time or not finding another person. Only you can decide if he is worth the effort. Figure out if you are comfortable being the one leading when it comes to matters of physical and emotional intimacy. You will have to take the lead and guide him through every step and only you can decide if he is worth the work. However, be very realistic about what he does offer you. If you are looking for someone to validate you with romantic gestures, have a passionate relationship, lots of cuddles, warmth etc it is unlikely to be in this relationship. However, it seems like he could be a loyal, dependable, honest partner and you can go on to have a safe and secure relationship

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 13:00

@WhyNotNow21 I don’t want to reject him! I think he’s great! Just confused about comments he makes like keep in touch!

OP posts:
WhyNotNow21 · 30/06/2021 13:02

OK, I take my last comment back then. I'm glad he's making you happy. Sorry for going off on one.

Toilenstripes · 30/06/2021 13:02

He sounds exactly like my husband. We met when he was 39 and he was awkward at first but had a great sense of humour, a wit about him that I love. Over the years he has bloomed and will chat with anyone whereas before he would just sit in silence. I love that he came into the relationship without baggage.

Pinkpepper79 · 30/06/2021 13:03

Sounds like autism to me. Read up about autistic traits. There are so many positives to dating someone with autism. Generally speaking that is. They are usually honest, reliable, kind, not a game player. Yes maybe socially awkward but if you can get past that then you can probably be very happy. Read up and get informed

IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 30/06/2021 13:08

Since he seems to have good self-awareness, could you have a chat to him about the signals he is giving you (keep in touch type messages etc), I wonder if he is intending to be super respectful and coming across as too formal instead and if you told him that he could recalibrate as it were.
It wouldn't surprise me is he was aspergers (which is just another word for autism but for someone who is able to get on with life without necessarily being noticed). The extent of the effects are very wide, just like visual impairment can mean anything from needing glasses to drive to only being able to distinguish light/dark.
Here is a good illustration so you can see why people are suggesting it and how it isn't the be all and end of of who he is, if this affects him.
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Hallyup6 · 30/06/2021 13:08

[quote Wonderbraaaas]@WhyNotNow21 I don’t want to reject him! I think he’s great! Just confused about comments he makes like keep in touch![/quote]
I'd say keep in touch means the ball's in your court. He's asking you to send him a message or call him so he doesn't have to initiate it and get it 'wrong', like phoning you when you're in the shower or something potentially awkward for him. It's his way of saying he had a great time and wants to see more of you, but his social awkwardness won't let him be spontaneous by saying 'I'll call you sometime".

10YellowTulips · 30/06/2021 13:09

@Wonderbraaaas I could almost have written this, we're in a fairly similar boat.

I'm dating a new guy, early 40s, its been about six weeks now and we see each other every weekend.

I've tried to find out about his relationship history and haven't got much out of him - he once dated someone for 18 months and that's all I know. For someone in their 40s that's not very long and I don't think he has ever lived with someone etc.

We also haven't had sex yet but we have kissed a little. I'm used to guys who are far more pushy in that regard so i find this quite odd.

He's not as formal as your bloke and can crack the occasional joke, but he is definitely quite reserved though.

The autism/spectrum thing has crossed my mind - apparently he was told that by a past date but doesn't think he has it.

I'm not sure what to make of it all, I'm still not 100% sure I fancy him - I feel like I need to have sex with him to make a decision on whether to carry on or not. I plan to just go for it on our next date so wish me luck!!

I'm in a different boat to you because I am not looking for marriage and kids and the whole shebang - I'm a single parent so just want someone to spend time, especially when DD flies the nest (a few years away still).

I think if you like him stick with it. I doubt a guy like that would cheat on you or let you down. Although you do need to sort the sex part - get him drunk and jump him! If that's ok then I would say a frank conversation about how you feel about the formality etc is probably in order and maybe you will see some improvement although some of it is likely to be fairly built in and will always be there.

IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 30/06/2021 13:14

So for instance of his executive function is affected that could be why 'little decisions' take ages. My DS is aspergers and if I need to talk to him about something it's so easy, cos I just say you did X, that made me feel Y, if you could do Z intead next time that would give this other result which is the one I know you are actually trying to achieve. He then gets the information he needs to get it right and he always wants to get it right, he'll be a lovely partner for someone who is happy to be clear like that.

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 13:14

One thing is that even though we’ve been naked together lots of times, when he gets out of the shower he runs and hides his private part if I happen to be in the bedroom or passing by when he gets out. I just joke and say I’ve been it all before! But it does make me a bit confused.

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 30/06/2021 13:17

[quote WhyNotNow21]@Needhelp101 Beautifully written and spot on. I also have a penchant for these types too! Ha! Autism is a beautiful wonderful thing. They create the deep thinkers, the change makers - think Elon Musk and Greta Thunberg (both have Aspergers) among so many other brilliant human beings.

OP you may have found a very rare diamond. Please treat him well.[/quote]
Yes, definitely @WhyNotNow21. There's a reason that neurodiversity exists in human evolution.

OP, he sounds lovely.

Maia77 · 30/06/2021 13:18

He might be on the autism spectrum, which might be a challenge.

Reearry · 30/06/2021 13:20

The more you write about him, the more it seems like he is on the spectrum. Unless you take the time and effort to understand him and his quirks and find ways to communicate with him that makes sense to him, this is going to be an uphill battle