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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

282 replies

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 08:38

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

OP posts:
IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 01/07/2021 22:01

Awwww, he sounds lovely. My dh want perfect when we met, nothing awful just some niggles, but the thing that kept me coming back for more was that he was so open to constructive criticism, always willing to learn to be a better partner for me (without ever not being himself of course). Still to this day he is open to doing things a better way if there is one. It is such a nice characteristic as he just gets better and better, as a lover, a father, a domestic partner, in every way he's always interested in improving on yesterday. (Not that he needs much, I'm not criticising him all the time, it's just never a closed door in his world). It's one of my favourite things about him (so many favourite things)

Lweji · 02/07/2021 09:35

Feel under a lot of pressure time wise to not make a silly decision.

If you do want to have children, then sex is very important (unless you're up to making babies in a different way from the start).

You do need to talk about how you both want this relationship to evolve (or not). It may be that he wants this relationship as it is now. And if that is the case, then you have your answer.
Or he shares your wish to have his own family with children and he's only very slow.
Do you even know if he wants children and a full time relationship?

Does he ever get an erection when you are naked and fumbling?
Could it be that he's not sure if you want sex and doesn't want to push you? (my DP is very much like that, and I love him for that - very different from exH)

Yes, make it clear that you want sex, and ask him if he wants it. And if it is a deal breaker for you, then be honest about it. It's not fair on him to have deal breakers he doesn't know about, and it's not fair on you to keep waiting if nothing is ever to happen.

In this case, you may need to take some lead and make him comfortable in taking some lead too.
I think that conversation in which he opened up about thinking of you all the time and planning things is a very good start. Keep it going.

OssieShowman · 02/07/2021 12:29

Maybe he is on the Spectrum (autism). He may not be aware of this. Socially awkward is quite normal. And very literal.

AlfonsoTheMango · 02/07/2021 14:36

@OssieShowman

Maybe he is on the Spectrum (autism). He may not be aware of this. Socially awkward is quite normal. And very literal.
Here we go again.

MNers never tire of armchair psychology and spouting off about autism stereotypes.

Shutthedoorproperly · 02/07/2021 16:19

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IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 02/07/2021 17:11

Excellent advice I think Lweji

HalfBrick · 02/07/2021 17:26

He sounds alright to me but I don't think you're suited as you're clearly more emotionally needing (not an insult! Just different personalities).

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