New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

[Wonderbraaaas]

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

No, it sounds like really hard work. At this stage in life, you don't want to "teach" someone how to be in a relationship.

Even if someone has a test and is pronounced not ASD enough to count as ASD, they can still have traits that effect certain aspects of their life.

He sounds a bit like my DH was when we met, he was a bit younger 32, but no serious relationships and a virgin. He was refreshingly different!!! We have been married 17 years and have two children..........he was diagnosed with autism a few months ago!!! There are some challenges but the benefits are worth it.
Don't write off the relationship yet...................

@Gwenhwyfar

Don't talk like that! If a relationship is a key element of you being happy then it could be worth giving the online thing a go. I imagine you're a better catch than you think you are.

Conversely, if, when you really think about it, your single life is actually a happy one, you don't have to have a relationship just to conform to society's idea of what adults should be doing.

For now I'm not fussed (which may hint at why I've been single forever - I have a very nice life as a single person and, according to some of my friends, am 'too' independent, if there's such a thing as that). The reason I haven't had a relationship that has lasted more than a few months is because the relationships I've had haven't worked well enough for me to feel they were worth committing to.

I also thought autism. My DH is definitely autistic but not diagnosed. Everything started to make sense about the way he is when my DS was diagnosed. It doesn’t matter if you like him, although it can be hard work in terms of a relationship but you won’t know if it’s worth it unless you give him a chance.

DH was like this though a couple of years lounger at 38. We moved in together after 6 weeks, had a baby got married, was over 20 years ago and we're still together. He certainly never had a commitment issue. He was/is used to his own space a bit but that suits me.

[quote INeedNewShoes]**@Gwenhwyfar

Don't talk like that! If a relationship is a key element of you being happy then it could be worth giving the online thing a go. I imagine you're a better catch than you think you are.

Conversely, if, when you really think about it, your single life is actually a happy one, you don't have to have a relationship just to conform to society's idea of what adults should be doing.

For now I'm not fussed (which may hint at why I've been single forever - I have a very nice life as a single person and, according to some of my friends, am 'too' independent, if there's such a thing as that). The reason I haven't had a relationship that has lasted more than a few months is because the relationships I've had haven't worked well enough for me to feel they were worth committing to.[/quote]
"@Gwenhwyfar

Don't talk like that! If a relationship is a key element of you being happy then it could be worth giving the online thing a go. I imagine you're a better catch than you think you are."

Ugly and loads of hangups doesn't really look good on an online dating profile. Yes, I could lie, but I wouldn't want to.

When I was younger I occasionally got asked out so I could sort of just hope that a man would come to me and I wouldn't have to 'promote' myself, but that's over now.

I'm not the same as you. I'm OK being single - I'm used to it after all and it's easier for me than people used to being with someone else - but I am lonely.

I can see from the OP's point of view that she may not want to take on someone with problems (and the lack of experience at this age probably does indicate some problems) but from our point of view, it's vey sad that nobody will take us on.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

He sounds great. Researching how to make a good relationship with women, no baggage from previous girlfriends, happy to learn new tricks, considerate.

Need to get him in the sack soon though and given his nervousness in all other areas, cut him some slack in this area too to begin with. He could turn out to be the greatest man you’ve ever dated.

well said Gilbertsluckysocks

@Wonderbraaaas I haven't RTFT but I would say it's one of 3 things -

1. he's on the ASD spectrum but maybe doesn't even know it himself as a lot of people aren't diagnosed until they are mature adults... the fact that you say he's very formal and procedural so likes routines is a main pointer for this...
2. he struggles with anxiety / social situations which were never dealt with properly when he was younger (can be another symptom of ASD btw)
3. he's a virgin - have you asked him or know if he is? He sounds nice so none of these things should mean an end to a relationship with potential - lots of people with ASD lead full lives with jobs and families etc... one of the traits of ASD is being very loyal and committed in relationships which is what you want really but also very sensitive and easily hurt as a result of their loyalty so tread carefully with this... does he have close friends? It sounds like he definitely wants a relationship now at 40...

Definitely sounds ASD.

Have a look at Maxine Ashton books and also what is your attachment style. If you are insecure and need validation then walk away. There is a very good book called attached.

I’ve dated two men. I’ve ADHD and one ASD - both undiagnosed. Neither were able to be what I needed for my attachment style yet chase i did. It just made me feel worse than ever.

I don’t see how posters are suggesting he is autistic if he is self aware and willing to communicate (even if it takes a long time to get him to open up). Surely they aren’t traits of autism if he has self awareness and has bought a book on relationships?

The formality of things is what bothers me. We went away for the weekend (after a LOT of consideration on his part) and it was so nice. We had a lovely time. When we got back and were saying goodbye the next day he said ‘keep in touch.’ ???? It was the most formal, business like thing, the way he said it, after a weekend of being very close. It’s things like that which throw me off course...I think all is going well and then suddenly it’s like I’m a stranger again?!

@CityCommuter he said he slept with someone at uni. I’ve seen condoms in his drawer when getting toothpaste. I don’t think he’s a virgin. He did say the last person he went on a few dates with blanked him when he followed up contact. They apparently didn’t even kiss but had been on a few dates over 2/3 months. That’s all I know of his sexual history really.

@Mwahahahahaha

I think he sounds quite lovely, probably because he sounds rather like my husband.

While we met young (he was late 20s), he had pretty much no experience with women and was painfully shy. He still is. Hugely respectful and never pushed boundaries, which was lovely. Could be a bit frustrating when I just wanted him to jump my bones after a nice night out, but we learned a lot about each other over the years

At times, I’ve had to be a bit more explicit when it comes to my needs and wants- sexually, emotionally etc.
Its not difficult and it’s actually quite nice to be with someone who you can say “I’m all peopled-out from work today, so I’m going to sit here quietly and not talk for thirty minutes”, and he gets it and doesn’t feel upset/abandoned.

Honestly, look at it this way-
You’ve dated a lot.
None of these relationships have worked out.
This guy is very different to all of the others.
Maybe this one will work out incredibly well?

Just on the ASD piece- I fully believe that my husband has autism. Many people have remarked on it over the years. He himself understands that he often processes information and interactions differently to other people. I’ve told him if he wants to pursue a diagnosis, I’ll support him but he doesn’t wish to do that and is happy as he is.

To be honest, if he does has autism, it hasn’t impacted on his life in a massively negative way. He has an excellent job, an amazing wife , interesting hobbies, encyclopedia knowledge of lots of things. He definitely struggles socially and doesn’t have many friends but he doesn’t really have a desire to interact with a lot of people.

My brother’s son has autism and my brother once told me that if his boy could grow up to do as well as DH, they’d be thrilled.

DH is unerringly loyal and dependable though, and I’d take that over a flaky social butterfly any day.

@Mwahahahahaha what do you mean by explicit sexually? Should I be saying look I want us to have sex now or I’m off? That feels horrible to say that to him but I also don’t want a sexless relationship...

@Wonderbraaaas can you link to your post of a couple of weeks ago - did anything help?

My friend is in a relationship with a man who had a very similar background to your boyfriend.

He's relaxed over time and they now live together. Her ex was a total wanker but very passionate, big on romantic gestures so it's very different but she does say she prefers the stability she gets from her new partner.

I think he's likely on the spectrum too.

I also think he's probably a virgin or just not very sexual. I can't think of many people make or female who would have slept over that much without having sex.

Nah, I’d say steer clear. Even if he never does anything wrong to you, it’s not exactly going to be a warm, happy life full of joy and laughter, is it? Relationships with emotionally distant robotic men just end up as roommates. He hasn’t ever engaged with a relationship much, doesn’t enjoy travelling or holidays (if he did, he’d have booked one), you already say he’s awkward and formal, reserved, stares into space. It won’t improve.

A relationship should bring something joyful into your life, something good, should make you happier and everything seem better. Just plonking a male down in an armchair to stare into space and make wooden comments isn’t worth the hassle.

Also, autism doesn't mean "someone who can't communicate". Education around spectrum disorders have come a long way since the Rain Man movie. He clearly struggles somehow.

Life's too short to get yourself that "80 year old grandad in the corner" experience.

@TheVanguardSix

I've had a relationship with an autistic man (he was utterly brilliant, which I found really attractive). He was reserved, but he was so easy to be with. I knew where I stood all of the time. The thing about ASD people (my son is ASD and I was a TA at a special school for ASD children) is that they don't manipulate. They don't do games. They don't do white lies or dishonesty. They're straight-up. I really, really love that. And surprise, surprise, they are deeply emotional. They don't show it as much on the surface, but those waters run deep.

It won't be an adventurous, spontaneous, swinging from the chandeliers kind of relationship. It will be steady. You, my friend, will have to be a calm, cool, collected, independent soul who likes your own company as much as you like his. He will want to be in your orbit all the time. He will want to be near you. He may read a book or be doing his own thing, but he will want you in his space and to have you close. ASD people tend to be lonely because there's this really false and shitty assumption that their emotions are flat. Their emotions are actually so honed that they can shut down a bit when you show anger or too much excitement. They feel that cut deeply and will withdraw- not because they don't care, but because they care too much. You can't overwhelm them with emotions because they feel them deeply and get stressed it it's all 'too much'. If you're a fiery, passionate soul who isn't a 'shrinking violet' type, do each other a favour and DO NOT get involved. But if you're a truly calm, measured soul who can stop and analyze a situation before reacting (don't be reactionary with an ASD person), you might find great happiness. Who knows?

For me, I couldn't stay with the guy I was seeing. And I was in love with him. I still think about him. He was a truly good man. But I was also a single mother at the time and I wanted to really be a family. I don't think he could have handled the stress and strain of family.
My current DH is definitely on the spectrum (I must have a thing for very rational, black and white, logical types and I have a theory on that but it's not for here) and we do have 3 children. It works. It's not perfect, but what marriage is? It IS a happy marriage. One thing I really love is that I do have a peaceful marriage and household (that is really, really important to me, personally). Anyway, I've gone in too deep here. I just wanted to give you my perspective.

What a lovely post (I have a autistic son).

He sounds nice, OP. I'd proceed, but with caution.

@Frazzledd fair enough, I see your point. I am very worried about pressure now as I feel old. So any sign of him messing me about or being distant and formal raises an alarm bell. I haven’t liked anyone this much for years and years though.

If you fancy him and think he's great, and he's caring, why would you bin him off on the basis of past relationship history? If he had had failed relationships in his past, how would that make him a better partner than he is now?

I think you have to look at the relationship for what it is now, and whether you're getting what you want from it, and decide on the basis of that, rather than trying to second-guess things. But for what it's worth, you sound happy other than that things are going a bit slower than you would like. But you can change that by being direct about what you want.

I would be worried he might be totally inept in bed which long term would be a deal-breaker. Although you said his kissing technique improved so....
I think things need to move on at this point otherwise you will waste time. Maybe suggest a weekend away in a shared room?

My DH was 40 when we met, he’d never had a live-together relationship or one that lasted more than six months, only two of those tbh. He was, from the start, sweet and caring, generous and kind and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have him. He’s geeky and had little confidence with women, but I’d have missed out on our amazing marriage if I’d dismissed him like OP considers.

@Wonderbraaaas shows how little you know about ASD and being on the spectrum.

If you did, you'd understand why he said "keep in touch".

You're not a stranger to him - he just gets it wrong socially at times, that's all and that's how you know.

Doesn't make him a bad person. You just don't quite understand his style of communication yet.... LOL.

And that's all it is, just a slightly different way of communicating. Doesn't mean he's not human etc. Autistic people are human and have feelings too you know...

Lots of pluses, quite a few negatives too. Just like any other person really.

@mcmooberry

I would be worried he might be totally inept in bed which long term would be a deal-breaker. Although you said his kissing technique improved so.... I think things need to move on at this point otherwise you will waste time. Maybe suggest a weekend away in a shared room?

Ineptness in bed can be radically improved with practice - I speak from experience!

OP, he sounds lovely. Give him a chance.

I think that the chances of his messing you about are minimal. If he's formal and distant that may very well be his nature but he might relax with time.