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Original poster

New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

282 replies

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 08:38

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 30/06/2021 13:21

Oh, hmmm, the being conscious of his genitalia is something quite different...That's obviously related to his reluctance to have sex. It does seem odd that you have been naked together a lot, but don't have sex??? Why is that? Have you tried to initiate it? What does he say about not wanting to?

The neurodiverse aspects are easy to understand and work with (when you understand him better). I would be very alarmed around the issues he has with sex and nudity. Is he from a religious family? Does he feel guilty/weird about sex? Does he think genitals/sex is dirty? I really think you need to figure this out before you invest even more months into him.

All of this together does make him seem like he's the sort of partner that would require a LOT of work and emotional unpicking/coaching from from you..

OnTheSeaShore · 30/06/2021 13:23

I agree with pervious posters. The first thing I thought was that he's autistic and high functioning. My ex, son and brother are on the spectrum - and so you become attuned to signs.

No reason why it can't work if you both meet each other's needs.

CityCommuter · 30/06/2021 13:23

@Wonderbraaaas you need to stop focusing on ' keep in touch' as he might have said that as he was feeling nervous and just blurted it out as it was something to say! Sometimes people can't think straight when they're anxious... for all you know he could have been kicking himself after he said that! Btw a friends now DH used to say to her 'see you around or see you sometime' when they were dating and it used to really piss her off as it sounded so casual but hey they got married in the end!

Maybe your BF is a Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones type of guy who turned out to be the love of her life! I remember when I first saw that film he came across as Mr Awkward, boring and very unattractive at the start but by the end I was in love with him!

toocold54 · 30/06/2021 13:24

He just struggled seriously in the women department and the older he got, the harder it became as he lacked confidence

I think getting older is a massive part of it actually. Late teens early twenties it is easy to go out and find someone as you’re meeting people all the time. But not everyone wants to settle down so young as they want to focus on their careers, travel etc. But as you get older you tend to socialise less and the people you do meet are already in relationships.

Sunnidayz · 30/06/2021 13:26

My husband is "aware" that he's "not great" (his words) at relationships. He just finds processing things difficult, makes assumptions, gets it wrong etc.. He is also not capable of great change, you can have a discussion and ask that he do X differently and perhaps he will for a short while but then goes back to his old ways. He forgets or sometime he'll deny you even had that conversation (a bit like gaslighting but he doesn't mean it). It's just the way his brain works. He can be very literal. I recently asked him to squirt some sunscreen on my shoulders and he did, put literally a big blob of sunscreen on each shoulder. I then had to ask him to rub it in as well!

Most of the time we get on well enough but he spends a lot of time on his own, usually on his computer. We don't really have cosy nights in front of the TV or anything and he can get frustrated if I ask for more affection or cuddles. At the start he was more attentive. Took me away for a weekend to a beautiful lodge in the forest. It was lovely although a bit of a hmmm moment when he cheerfully told the owner of the place that he'd been there before with a previous girlfriend!

He's not so set in routines though unlike some people. And he doesn't care if different foods touch on his plate, but he's very fussy about food, due to textures.

I often have friends say "typical bloke" or "ugh men! When I tell them about certain things that's happened but put everything together and it's very different and challenging.

IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 30/06/2021 13:27

@Wonderbraaaas

One thing is that even though we’ve been naked together lots of times, when he gets out of the shower he runs and hides his private part if I happen to be in the bedroom or passing by when he gets out. I just joke and say I’ve been it all before! But it does make me a bit confused.
I think this shows he is not used to sharing his privacy in that way and is unusually reserved about it. Could you ask him whether if you get closer and are being intimate he would relax around you, and that you would like him to feel comfortable with you like that. Clearly some people would find this naivety off-putting but it wouldn't bother everyone and it's the whole package you get involved with isn't it.
marriednotdead · 30/06/2021 13:29

I have read your posts OP and am smiling. Don't write him off just yet but you'll have to be patient if he is indeed autistic in any way.

My DS(24) is on the autistic spectrum but wasn't diagnosed until secondary school, when he tells people they are usually surprised.

He works, has a small circle of friends (that he mainly interacts by gaming with) and a steady girlfriend that he met online. He's adamant that he never wants children, he's great with them but feels he would not cope with being a parent and would hate them to inherit his condition.

DS can be socially awkward at times although he has carefully learned appropriate behaviours. That will never come naturally though and he freely admits that he cannot pick up on cues like flirting which is why girls are happy to be his friend without fear of being pounced on.

Take the words your chap has used as literal- that's how he will think- and if you're feeling brave, tell him how you feel. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't feel the same.

AlfonsoTheMango · 30/06/2021 13:33

All of you arm psychologists - do you realise how offensive your posts are to people like me, who are on the spectrum?

And do say "oooh, sounds like he's neurotypical" when someone is being an ass? If not, why not?

It might come as a surprise to all of you that we are all different, just the way NTs are. And maybe you have a relative who is on the spectrum - it doesn't mean that you understand autism or are qualified to diagnose it.

Your disablism is disgusting.

FatCatThinCat · 30/06/2021 13:33

My husband was 35 when I met him and had never had a relationship before. I think this has shaped him into a fiercely loyal and devoted partner. He knows what loneliness feels like and therefore puts his relationship.with me above everything. He is also clearly on the autistic spectrum and that's why he was alone, others couldn't see past the autistic awkwardness to the diamond inside. I could because I'm autistic too.

Original poster
Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 13:37

@AlfonsoTheMango

All of you arm psychologists - do you realise how offensive your posts are to people like me, who are on the spectrum?

And do say "oooh, sounds like he's neurotypical" when someone is being an ass? If not, why not?

It might come as a surprise to all of you that we are all different, just the way NTs are. And maybe you have a relative who is on the spectrum - it doesn't mean that you understand autism or are qualified to diagnose it.

Your disablism is disgusting.

@AlfonsoTheMango FWIW I wouldn’t want to date anyone who wasn’t autistic if that’s what this man is. He is the best person I’ve ever met. By a long, long way.
OP posts:
AlfonsoTheMango · 30/06/2021 13:39

OP, you are a sweetheart! What a wonderful post. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Original poster
Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 13:39

I’ve done some reading online over lunch. One thing that struck me is the uncomplicated side of things just being as they are... he is very upfront about things in a blunt way often, which although isn’t necessarily exactly what I want to hear, I know it’s him being honest.

Not sure about the naked thing, he’s always been like that, happy to touch each other and be close and lights can be on or off, but if we are not being intimate it’s like he hide to has himself!

OP posts:
IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 30/06/2021 13:41

@AlfonsoTheMango

All of you arm psychologists - do you realise how offensive your posts are to people like me, who are on the spectrum?

And do say "oooh, sounds like he's neurotypical" when someone is being an ass? If not, why not?

It might come as a surprise to all of you that we are all different, just the way NTs are. And maybe you have a relative who is on the spectrum - it doesn't mean that you understand autism or are qualified to diagnose it.

Your disablism is disgusting.

OP is wanting to understand some mixed messages she is getting, and people are suggesting the possiblity of him being ND as perhaps the reason she feels close to him but his communicvation style hasn't relaxed, rather than him not being interested/playing games. If someone is NT and behaving badly the NT aspect of them doesn't come up because the important factor is their malicious motives. Which is completely different. How is that disablist?
ravenmum · 30/06/2021 13:42

@AlfonsoTheMango

All of you arm psychologists - do you realise how offensive your posts are to people like me, who are on the spectrum?

And do say "oooh, sounds like he's neurotypical" when someone is being an ass? If not, why not?

It might come as a surprise to all of you that we are all different, just the way NTs are. And maybe you have a relative who is on the spectrum - it doesn't mean that you understand autism or are qualified to diagnose it.

Your disablism is disgusting.

Are you objecting to people suggesting that this guy could be on the spectrum, or to the people saying that OP should avoid him? I don't think people are suggesting that he sounds like he's autistic because he's being an ass; OP didn't say that he's being an ass.
PutYourBackIntoit · 30/06/2021 13:45

He sounds amazing OP Smile

Just say to him "I'd like to have sex with you please!" Grin

a1poshpaws · 30/06/2021 13:45

I don't think you're really that into him (reading between the lines) to overcome your doubts. I'd walk.

Sunnidayz · 30/06/2021 13:46

@Wonderbraaaas

I’ve done some reading online over lunch. One thing that struck me is the uncomplicated side of things just being as they are... he is very upfront about things in a blunt way often, which although isn’t necessarily exactly what I want to hear, I know it’s him being honest.

Not sure about the naked thing, he’s always been like that, happy to touch each other and be close and lights can be on or off, but if we are not being intimate it’s like he hide to has himself!

Yes my husband can be very blunt, tells it like it is! It's kind of refreshing and I try not to take it personally if he says that certain clothes make my bum look "wobbly" or whatever!

Re the penis hiding, my husband has recently started doing that after coming out of the shower. We don't have sex anymore and I think he feels self conscious. I've seen it loads of times before so I know what it looks like!

sadmummy12345 · 30/06/2021 14:06

OP please just have an honest upfront chat with him. He sounds great and u like each other so just talk to him.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/06/2021 14:27

@toocold54

He just struggled seriously in the women department and the older he got, the harder it became as he lacked confidence

I think getting older is a massive part of it actually. Late teens early twenties it is easy to go out and find someone as you’re meeting people all the time. But not everyone wants to settle down so young as they want to focus on their careers, travel etc. But as you get older you tend to socialise less and the people you do meet are already in relationships.

Yes, and the older you are, the harder it is to explain that you're inexperienced.
AlfonsoTheMango · 30/06/2021 14:38

@sadmummy12345

OP please just have an honest upfront chat with him. He sounds great and u like each other so just talk to him.
Excellent advice.
godmum56 · 30/06/2021 14:57

about the nakedness thing and yes I am reaching.....as a child he might have not understood the "social rules" about naked and not naked and I could imagine when he was a child this could have caused shock/comment even amusement and teasing. This "lesson" might have gone deep and he hasn't absorbed the more adult nuances of when to cover up and when its ok not to.
As I say....just an educated guess.

WeatherwaxOn · 30/06/2021 15:10

@Wonderbraaaas

I don’t understand the autism comments (though I don’t know much about autism). I think he’d have told me if he was?
He may not know that he is autistic. He may always have had issues with intimacy/relationships.

It does sound as though he is very reserved - maybe a strict upbringing?

jillycar · 30/06/2021 15:47

As an aside I am early 40s and have a female friend of the same age who has never had a relationship. She was painfully shy in her 20s and now would love a relationship but struggles to meet people. It is not easy to meet people easily later in life and if you have less experience in that area you can hugely lack confidence with intimacy issues. This is not a person lacking in any other area of life and I know she would make an excellent partner if someone came along for her. This man might just need a chance. If it doesn’t work out, then it will be sadly a failed relationship but they happen all the time anyway. But what if he is someone who would be great for you in the long term and just needs that risk taken on him???
(Regardless of autism or not, we all have things that are unique to us that partners tolerate/celebrate/hate!!! - none of us are ‘ideal’ to everyone around us.)

VerticalHorizon · 30/06/2021 16:10

I would imagine that once you reach a certain age (without any serious relationship), people begin to question it, which it turn starts to make future relationships every more difficult.

It probably becomes self-fulfilling, in as much as people are starting to wonder why, and treating certain attributes are obvious markers (when normally, they'd not give them a second thought).

How long before the poor bloke ends up a bit paranoid?

Lweji · 30/06/2021 16:19

It's up to you whether you want to do puppy training with a middle aged man or move on.

I find this incredibly insulting for anyone who has reached middle age without significant relationship experience.

I'd rather be with said "puppy" (I am) than with an experienced and judgmental twat of any sex.

FWIW, my "puppy" didn't need "training". Why? Because he is an adult.
And because people are different and have different tastes and needs. All couples will have to learn each other and adapt to each other. There is no right way to have sex (or physical intimacy) that needs to be trained, as such.
(and in the part where men may need to be trained, many with experience still can't or won't find it)