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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

282 replies

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 08:38

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

OP posts:
VerticalHorizon · 30/06/2021 16:32

I agree 'puppy training' is a very condescending attitude.

In a relationship, we all have to give and take a little and learn to adapt in a way that works well for both parties, otherwise it's doomed (imo).

Sure, he might need to learn a few things, but don't we all? No matter what we've learned so far, we still haven't learned about the other person fully - there's always more to learn.

As for his bedroom skills - what works for one doesn't always work for another, and I'd have far more respect for someone willing to learn about me than assume they already knew it all, and just what to do.

AlfonsoTheMango · 30/06/2021 17:08

Puppy training

What? That is a new low, even for this thread.

Blossomtoes · 30/06/2021 17:12

@AlfonsoTheMango

Puppy training

What? That is a new low, even for this thread.

Shocking, isn’t it?
AlfonsoTheMango · 30/06/2021 17:23

Not really. It's typical of the sneering posts on this thread - dismaying but not shocking.

Roblox01 · 30/06/2021 17:27

OP I've read your original post and it doesn't sound like he's done anything that falls under the red flag territory from a behaviours point of view. He's probably just a bit awkward/unsure.

Just have a conversation with him. He's probably really keen so won't give you the bad behaviours you've had in the past.

Joy69 · 30/06/2021 18:41

I'd give it a bit longer & see how things pan out if you like him. You may have a real gem, that others haven't had the patience to wait for. He may or may not be autistic, but if he is it's not all doom & gloom, infact you may find some real positives.
My brother & my partner are aspies(diagnosed) & may to some people seem quirky, but once they get going have fantastic dry humours & are very loving in their own way.
Tbh I get fed up with the fact that people focus on the negatives of autism. They don't fit in the generic box, but have great boxes of their own ( sorry on a rant)
Forgot to mention I didn't sleep with my partner for 3 months until he/we were ready & it was worth the wait Wink
Go with your gut & don't let others cloud your judgement

godmum56 · 30/06/2021 21:54

that rude comment got taken down.

sadmummy12345 · 30/06/2021 22:19

Could he be transsexual which would explain not having had sex yet aw could be nervous

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 22:22

Thanks for the support here. I’ve done some reading tonight! I can see similarities with the traits and autism but don’t feel I should diagnose him myself.

I think in some ways I’ve held back being myself as I’ve been so confused by some of his comments (like keep in touch and see you around!). So it’s made me less like me I suppose as I’ve been confused. I think I’m just going to be more confident being myself and hope that this is just who he is and he’s not playing a game with me or some commitment phobe.

I’m just so fed up of being let down by men!

OP posts:
IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 30/06/2021 22:31

Great decision, wishing you all the best he's a keeper.

StrongLegs · 30/06/2021 23:10

I also think he definitely sounds autistic spectrum (like me).

If you've got a minute, I think it would be worth your watching the film of A Room with a View. (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Room_with_a_View_(1985_film))

I think the character of Cicil in that film is played very nicely as ASD, and your guy sounds like him.

I think he's probably fine as a partner, very honest, very committed probably, and really honourable. ASD people don't generally do secrets or lies, so you will always be able to trust him.

However, he will probably always be very proper and the extent to which he will loosen up over time may be limited. So it would be good to check that you really like him as he is now, because that is probably how he always will be.

He probably likes to know the rules about everything, hence his rule book about relationships. If you can give him some rules to follow that will make you happy, then that will make him happy too.

It's unlikely that he will give you insightful surprise birthday presents, but that's probably okay. You may need to get a cat, if you want someone in the family who really deeply understands you alongside your lovely fella.

StrongLegs · 30/06/2021 23:26

Another thing just occurred to me. From my own experience of being ASD, I know that I grew up late and in some areas of my life I developed very late.

For example, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25 and my eyesight didn't fully develop until I was 27. I didn't really become musical until my 40s and I now am just coming to understand pop music, like the Bangles and Britney Spears. In my teens I just didn't get that stuff, but I do now.

Anway, it may be that your guy has just finally reached the dating stage, and that it he is really really ready now, and your just the lucky gal who came along at the right time IYKWIM.

888central · 01/07/2021 03:38

This reply has been deleted

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notmrscookie · 01/07/2021 04:20

@Wonderbraaaas
I am probably 12 months on from you in a relationship with someone who could be your boyfriends brother and trying to leave him without destroying him.
Currently on holiday and in separate beds as he is tired 4 days in .We haven’t had sex and when asked that side of things doesn’t matter to him .
PLEASE THINK about what you want in a relationship because it sounds like he wants something different to you .
Hope you find your peace..

CandyLeBonBon · 01/07/2021 04:23

Have you posted this before op? It sounds familiar to a thread a few weeks ago?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2021 04:26

I'm astounded that you are even questioning this. Run a fucking mile and keep running because you've wasted enough time already. It shouldn't be this hard, ffs.

888central · 01/07/2021 05:43

This reply has been deleted

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crapbuttrue · 01/07/2021 06:36

@Wonderbraaaas the best thing you can do if you want the relationship to progress is to do some reading around the subject of Autism. I'm another that thinks he's on the spectrum. BUT THAT'S NOT A BAD THING!

Being aware of autism is one thing, understanding and acceptance are what you need though. He sounds lovely and once you know why he's acting in certain ways it's a step further to working out if you can live with this in your life.

Good luck!

Sssloou · 01/07/2021 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ufucoffee · 01/07/2021 07:16

I had a friend like this. It wasn't for the want of trying, it just never happened. She was very choosy though. But she did eventually meet someone in her 40's and is now happily married with children. Give him a chance.

Wonderbraaaas · 01/07/2021 07:36

@Sssloou I hadn’t seen your post, I wasn’t ignoring you (or didn’t mean to). Thank you for the support, I am doing a lot digging to try and get my head straight about what to do. Feel under a lot of pressure time wise to not make a silly decision.

OP posts:
Wonderbraaaas · 01/07/2021 07:39

@crapbuttrue thanks. We spoke last night and out of the blue he said he thought about me all the time and the places he wanted to go together. I said it we’d really nice to hear him say that because when we are apart things feel very formal. To which he apologised (!) and said he would try and get better and be less formal. He is a nice man, I think it’s just been very difficult having such a great time together compared with being apart and being launched into sudden distant and formal contact from him.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 01/07/2021 07:41

This sounds exactly like my friend. And he isn't autistic. He just hasn't met the right person and likes his own company. Some people are single at 40 without having autism.

I say go for it.

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/07/2021 09:24

Just reading this, what springs out from all your posts is that are really into him and want to be with him - so be with him!

The way you have described him makes him
Sound unattractive and an undesirable partner TO ME - but that’s because we all like different things. I find inexperience in in a partner unattractive, but that’s just personal preference. Many people find the opposite to be true. Including yourself, clearly….

I don’t believe there are any such things as objective red flags (apart from abuse or cheating or so on) - just different things work for different people. And it’s a bloody good thing we aren’t all attracted to the same person!

StrongLegs · 01/07/2021 10:27

I think he sounds like a keeper. Good luck. I think you will have a great life. :-)

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