New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

[Wonderbraaaas]

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

I've got to say autism sprung to mind with me too @Wonderbraaaas. I have a son who is autistic and social communication is very hard, he can find it hard to pick up on someone's queues, we need to be very literal with him. He too doesn't like texting or calling anyone he finds this very awkward, in the last year he has only really become comfortable with texting myself and like you say can be really quite formal.

It might be worth taking into consideration he might not know he is, it wasn't very freely diagnosed 40 years ago. He might just need to to take control and guide him or be very upfront about what you want as he might not be able to read between the lines or pick up on your feelings as such.

Relationships and communication can be extremely difficult for them. But I'd also like to say my son is the most loving boy I know, unlike many he loves a cuddle.

I hope this has maybe helped explain it a bit better, give him a chance by the sounds of it you click when together so what have you got to loose? Good luck x

If you fancy him anf think, in time, that he can give what you want in a relationship, then what you've said is not concerning at all. Some people don't mess about, so to not have had a serious relationship at age 40 is not in itself a warning sign. It seems you both are taking it slowly, yes? Enjoy this stage and don't overthink it, just focus on you and him, you will see if he is worth your time.

It would be a no from me, I wouldn't want to be with someone so inexperienced.

On this site... all social awkwardness is immediately diagnosed as autism. I was incredibly socially awkward till my late 20s i am not autistic.. my social awkwardness was a result of my upbringing.

Regardless he doesn't sound like a bad person I would keep pursuing it, it sounds like you enjoy his company but again I am a little sympathetic to socially awkward people.

My DH is quite formal but then again so am I. He also does the staring off in to space as do I. We have been together a long time and having read MN for many years I have realised we would by modern standards probably have been diagnosed with something. The staring off in to space is literally thinking about things.

DH confessed to buying Cosmopolitan when he was young to try and understand women which made me laugh. In theory trying to understand relationships by reading stuff shows effort at least,

Has he run his own home? and what does he do for a job?

Spontaneous behaviour doesn’t suit some people, I know I prefer time planned as does DH and that’s the issue if the way you run your life just doesn’t match up.

Give it a chance, if it doesn’t work out you can end it.

He sounds totally autistic. Hes running the relationship by rules because he isnt sure the right social cues to do it by instinct. If you want sex, you will probably need to tell him directly. The formality is a way of being polite and having clear social code. The starting into space could either be processing time or literally natural state, if there's no requirement talk,

I wouldn't right it off. If you can make it work he will most likely be utterly devoted and the most loyal partner in the world. But you will end up being a trusted guide, you will need to do a certain degree of social prompting and that is itself a commitment.

Do you know if he’s ever actually had sex?

Have you tried initiating?

Have things progressed anywhere beyond kissing?

For me it sounds like the kind of relationships I had in school. Where we were 16 and living in a very conservative country so just kissing etc was considered the norm and things never went beyond that.

As an adult I would need more, spontaneity for a start, which it sounds he’s not able to give you.

Is he autistic, or on the spectrum?

Also - is he a virgin?

The way I read this is that if you like him it’s probably worth having a couple of gentle chats to guide him on the way you’d like things - so less formality required, instigating sex or whatever. He sounds socially awkward and the fact he’s got books shows he’s recognised he needs to learn a few strategies. So you broaching things in a kind way might be a relief to him. I think his lack of relationship experience could just be women backing off because of the issues you mention, and the poor man may genuinely not understand why if he struggles with emotional intelligence. So he continues and the cycle goes on.

Also FWIW the way you describe very much sounds like he might be autistic and he plausibly has no idea himself.

Im not going to advise you to steer clear, because it doesnt sound particularly alarming or worrying that someone is a bit more formal at first and taking things slowly, but it kind of depends what you want. He doesnt sound like someone who will sweep you off your feet with passion, but he might well be lovely and stable and have good qualities that you can enjoy.
He might be undiagnosed autistic, but that isnt for definite, nor is that a dumpable offence

I had a friend like this, hadn't done any of those things, met someone and did all of them, and they're one of the best couples I've seen.
Some people just aren't up for it until they meet the right person.

I guess my question is, what has he been doing for those 40 years?

If it has been spent busily building a career, looking after ill parents, or actively pursuing a hobby, I think I may give it more time.

However, if he has been leading the same sort of mundane life and/or repeating trying to form longer term relationships and failing, I would pause for thought on this one.

I think 2 things about this-

1. Women are really encouraged to 'see beyond' flaws and not write anyone off which sometimes leads to us accepting less than we are worth.
2. Something I struggle with is falling for men who for one reason or another are not quite emotionally available fully

He sounds like a nice person- and it sounds like you get on- but that doesn't mean you have to be involved romantically- it's already a hurdle to get to calling, kissing, sex. It feels to me like you may have many more hurdles in a relationship- do you really want a project?
I am not being harsh to him at all, but it is fairly early days so maybe don't get much deeper involved

I'm not saying he isn't autistic but it isn't on for others on here to diagnose him off a few short posts. He could equally be really unconfident relationship wise. The older he has got without having a significant relationship the more awkward and unconfident he is going to feel. That sort of thing would get worse not better. He may never had sex for example.

If he was brought up in a really formal way then that would translate in his relationships.

The relationship books sound nice. He's trying and made an effort to overcome blocks he has had in this area. He clearly wants a relationship and isn't accepting defeat but looking for help. Loads of women have relationship books and no one would suggest that's because they are autistic.

If you fancy him and enjoy his company then keep going. Speak to him about your thoughts. Tell him you don't want to be messed around and ask him what his aspirations are. It's better than playing guessing games. I hope you get the answers you want. I think he sounds nice but awkward. Most humans come with a flaw. It isn't insurmountable.

OP first thing I though when you described him was that he must be on the autistic spectrum. If he is - it is entirely possible for it it be fairly mild and not be diagnosed.
But it can explain a lot if his social awkwardness and his relationships history.
He is clearly well adjusted in most areas of life, other than relationships.
And here is where relationship books come in.

As to whether you want to stick around - no one can answer that. Depends on what you are looking for and what your timing/other options are like.
And given that he hasn’t had long term relationships - and you are 3mo in - it’ll soon be clear if it’s going anywhere.
I would have a sex conversation though.

It does seem a lot of hard work, depends on how patient you are, do you really want you be his relationship coach enough. Unless you're head over heels and have all the time in the world for him I'd give him a miss just like all the previous ladies.

A lot of “ older “ people don’t always have a diagnosis for autism and they have just been the “slightly different people”.
He might not have told you because of this.
I’d just be friends with him if you enjoy his company but walk away if your not getting love and affection.

There are some signs which may suggest Autism .However if he seems nice and you get on well, then maybe give him a chance .He may just not have met the right person yet .Otherwise he may be shy , and not all men want to rip our clothes off at the first opportunity!

@Wonderbraaaas you posted this Q a few weeks ago - what resonated from that thread with you? Perhaps you can link it to save you from reading repeated advice.

@xsjrx

This sounds like a character from a book I read last year ...'The Rosie Project' the guy in this was autistic to a degree. I'm not saying your date is but some of things you have mentioned sound exactly like that. I could be totally wrong as I'm an certainly no expert. Like a PP said just scope each other out and go from there or don't.

That was my thought and I wondered if he was autistic but never been diagnosed. Many people on the spectrum can function perfectly well in most aspects of life but find relationships difficult.

I'll get piled on now having mentioned the A word but it was worth bringing it up. If you know this could be an issue it might actually make it easier to understand him.

I'll hide the thread as I have no further interest in arguing about it.

Although it appears several posters think this too.

@crochetmonkey74

I think 2 things about this-

1. Women are really encouraged to 'see beyond' flaws and not write anyone off which sometimes leads to us accepting less than we are worth.
2. Something I struggle with is falling for men who for one reason or another are not quite emotionally available fully

He sounds like a nice person- and it sounds like you get on- but that doesn't mean you have to be involved romantically- it's already a hurdle to get to calling, kissing, sex. It feels to me like you may have many more hurdles in a relationship- do you really want a project?
I am not being harsh to him at all, but it is fairly early days so maybe don't get much deeper involved

Unless you're a flawless unicorn... You're probably not going to attract a flawless unicorn mate... You don't know either of these people. We have no idea if OP can do better, we barely know anything about either person.

@CaptainMyCaptain

Although it appears several posters think this too.

It's MN everyone is diagnosed autistic in every thread.

Reading your post I'm also thinking he might be autistic. My husband has Asperger's and it is very difficult at times. My husband had been married before and had quite a few girlfriends as he can be very charming and fun, at the start at least. It's later on that the challenges appear. And as posters said it could be that he's not aware of it/hadn't been diagnosed. So many older people slip through the net. My DH wasn't diagnosed until his early 40s. A lot of people go on to marry having no idea that their spouse is autistic, only for things to change abruptly and completely after the wedding. It's like they married a different person.

I would be careful but try to "feel him out". See what he's about, maybe bring up the sex issue.

What's he like discussing feelings/emotions? And seeing things from your point of view? If you have a disagreement about something that's important to you for example?