New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

[Wonderbraaaas]

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

They say if you've met one autistic person you've met one autistic person.

My husband is quite amazing in many ways. He's lived in various countries, got dual citizenship, speaks several languages, holds down a good, well paid job and is intelligent and funny. He is pretty good at "fitting in". You'd likely think he's NT if you hung out with him in a social situation.

But he gets overloaded at times, autistic burnout they call it. He likes drinking and going to the bar. He'll enthusiastically banter with other people. And then ignore me completely once they've gone. His meltdowns and shutdowns aren't common but when they happen they're very unpleasant for both of us. Often he's not sure what triggered them, it could have been something that happened days ago and it's built up until he's overwhelmed and it either comes out as explosive anger or he shuts down completely to the extent that it's like I'm not even there and can get blanked by him for the rest of the day. Which is horrible to deal with, I try not to dwell on things and distract myself with something else.

He also makes assumptions about stuff that is incorrect. Sometimes it can be amusing, other times an explanation is needed but he still might not get it. He thinks he's right all the time but he's not of course. It can be crazy making so I try to detach mentally and pick my battles.

Sorry I'm rambling here. How did you meet him? I can't remember if you said.

Also, he might well bore you or frustrate you at times, but I think you can be pretty confident he won’t ever mess you about or cheat. One relationship will be challenging enough for him, he would never be able to manage two at once!

There are certainly loads of men and women in their 30's and 40's who don't have a relationship history.

I went from being jack-the lad of late teens to 21..then nothing until mid 30's due to just getting friend zoned and then thinking if I couldn't have Winona Ryder then I wouldn't bother at all.

When I met my partner online, I hadn't had a relationship over a month and didn't know how to behave as a couple. I just knew I was no longer happy being on my own and didn't want a future like that.

This chap your seeing does sound a little different, but at least you know why he's single..basically he's awkward around women, but I think he deserves credit for the work he's putting in now.

Whether you want this kind of partner that might be a bit of a ' do-er upper' , is down to you.

How did you meet him?

He sounds lovely now but I can't help but think he'll be disappointing later on.

If he stays exactly as he is right now, would you be happy long term?

@Coronawireless

It depends what you’re looking for in a relationship. Passion? Romance? Stability? A steady father for your children? Someone to lead or someone content to be in the background while you take the reins? Do you need excitement or could you cope with a little dullness? Do you need a lot of affirmation or can you live happily with a lower level of emotional support? Only you can know all that. There’s no right or wrong answer. What should be non negotiable is that he is kind, decent, hard-working, respectful and reliable and does not have mood swings. Also that you don’t constantly wish you were somewhere else when you’re with him. Give it a chance but be clear to yourself about his limits. Some people may think that sounds like “settling” but really it depends what you want out of life and how much you expect of a partner.

Excellent post coronawireless I was going to say this much less articulately.

I think he sounds quite lovely, probably because he sounds rather like my husband.

While we met young (he was late 20s), he had pretty much no experience with women and was painfully shy. He still is. Hugely respectful and never pushed boundaries, which was lovely. Could be a bit frustrating when I just wanted him to jump my bones after a nice night out, but we learned a lot about each other over the years

At times, I’ve had to be a bit more explicit when it comes to my needs and wants- sexually, emotionally etc.
Its not difficult and it’s actually quite nice to be with someone who you can say “I’m all peopled-out from work today, so I’m going to sit here quietly and not talk for thirty minutes”, and he gets it and doesn’t feel upset/abandoned.

Honestly, look at it this way-
You’ve dated a lot.
None of these relationships have worked out.
This guy is very different to all of the others.
Maybe this one will work out incredibly well?

Just on the ASD piece- I fully believe that my husband has autism. Many people have remarked on it over the years. He himself understands that he often processes information and interactions differently to other people. I’ve told him if he wants to pursue a diagnosis, I’ll support him but he doesn’t wish to do that and is happy as he is.

To be honest, if he does has autism, it hasn’t impacted on his life in a massively negative way. He has an excellent job, an amazing wife , interesting hobbies, encyclopedia knowledge of lots of things. He definitely struggles socially and doesn’t have many friends but he doesn’t really have a desire to interact with a lot of people.

My brother’s son has autism and my brother once told me that if his boy could grow up to do as well as DH, they’d be thrilled.

DH is unerringly loyal and dependable though, and I’d take that over a flaky social butterfly any day.

@Wonderbraaaas

I don’t understand the autism comments (though I don’t know much about autism). I think he’d have told me if he was?

It's because everyone who is a bit different must have autism. It's the only possible explanation because all neurotypicals are the same and all of us on the spectrum are the same.

Armchair diagnoses by armchair psychologists. Free and worth every penny.

This sounds like my brother-in-law. He's handsome, successful at work and study, has his own house etc. He's also very set in his ways, rigid with his hobbies and has few friends. He's kind of old fashioned in his communicating and dress.

In many ways he'd make a lovely partner, but is just not active in pursuing anything.

I think you'd need to be understanding, and fairly active in pushing things on. Is it a deal breaker for you?

Sounds like he’s on the spectrum x

I’d carry but with my eyes open. Having made a massive mistake in the past myself, my advice is to not fill in the reasons why he does things yourself. Don’t make assumptions like “Oh, he’s just nervous/socially awkward/worried about x, y or z”. Don’t ‘make excuses’ for him to yourself.

Ask him in conversation lots about his teens and 20s. Get a feel for him and the decisions he made. Tactfully ask him about the lack of sex too.

You’ll never be 100% sure of any decision you make, but if you keep your eyes open, you should be able to make a good judgement call about whether he’s the one for you.

@Helmetbymidnight

My concern is does he just lose interest in women quickly and can’t commit?

I don't think its that - I would wager women lose interest in him...

I'd carry on as you are, finding out more about each other, and seeing how you feel...If you like him, don't write him off. He IS unusual - but that's not necessarily a bad thing at all.

I agree with this. He’s a much, much better bet than someone who’s steamed through a succession of relationships and has children. I imagine he treats you with great respect and it sounds as if he takes a lot of care to make sure it’s working for you.

Another thought - he’s probably terrified of sex and of doing everything wrong. You’ll need to initiate everything at first and be very gentle, patient & kind, & assume (but don’t interrogate him about it) that he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. He’ll probably get better at it with patient guidance and he could end up being a great lover.

I think the puppy analogy is pretty accurate actually, but the point of puppy training is you end up with a wonderful faithful, loyal & loving companion once you get through it!

He sounds great. Researching how to make a good relationship with women, no baggage from previous girlfriends, happy to learn new tricks, considerate.

Need to get him in the sack soon though and given his nervousness in all other areas, cut him some slack in this area too to begin with. He could turn out to be the greatest man you’ve ever dated.

I think the puppy analogy is pretty accurate actually, but the point of puppy training is you end up with a wonderful faithful, loyal & loving companion once you get through it!

....plus your halfway there if he's not shitting on the floor, bonus 👍

Completely agree with the posters who have pointed out that you can't diagnose autism or Asperger's over the internet. Otherwise we could save the taxpayer money and get rid of all those expensive psychologists, psychiatrists and other health care professionals. However, it is possible that a person with autism could reach adulthood without being diagnosed especially if they are less severely affected because, as others have said, it's only been in the last 25-30 years that efforts were made to diagnose children with autism.

I think there are some really helpful posts here from people whose own lives, or those of their partner, haven't followed a 'typical' relationship pattern. It's up to you to decide what your priorities are. I'd be more inclined to go for a slightly unconventional but sincere person than one who relies on good looks and charm to attract women whom he then disappoints by his selfishness.

Not sure how he sounds autistic @HeReWeGoAgAiN1112 ? Also wouldn’t he have told me if he was?

@Wonderbraaaas Most of what you describe could suggest ASD traits. Most people with mild ASD or just marked traits don't know they have it, I imagine, especially those who are, say, 37+. It's only in the last decade or something there's been as much awareness of it as there is now. I'm 44 and it wasn't until a few years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic traits.

People can have traits rather than the whole thing and it still have a marked effect on their life.

He may be autistic but not know it or be mildly on the spectrum. That doesn't make him less of a person. Autism and aspergers come in lots of forms and many successful happy people are this way.
If you like him and he likes you (as awkward as he may come across about it) you can have a happy fulfilling realationship. Just be aware it wont always be plain sailing but other aspects (loyalty, dependabilty, fun and probably a deeper sense of caring in a different sense) will be amazing. Good luck to you both op.

The only person I know like this has autism. It’s DH’s cousin, he’s in his 30s and has never had a girlfriend. How is he with eye contact?

I know a couple very well where the man was diagnosed in his 50s. He is exactly as you describe in your OP, and had never had a relationship before he met my fiend, despite a holding a degree and having a successful career.

Unfortunately now, after years of living with him and his traits, my friend has found it impossible to continue to relationship because he can never see things from her point of view, and is too rigid and controlling in almost every aspect of their life together.

My husband was mid 40s when we met and had only had a few short relationships, the longest of which was 8 months and very abusive. He built his career and didn't bother with relationships again until we met. We've been married 15 years and are both still amazed how easy it is to be married.

I was concerned at the lack of previous relationships but it's turned out fine for us. I think he was a bit of a shag monster at uni from the sounds of it, but I'm ex forces and was a bit of one myself in my 20s He wasn't actually very confident in bed, but we practised a lot and it's been fab for a long time.

I will never have to worry about him being unfaithful or unkind. Although he may seem boring to some, he is kind and generous and trustworthy and I'd rather have that than excitement and insecurity.

Give him a chance! And good luck

Yep on the spectrum. Classic case. But only to a very slight degree. He'd not "tell you" because there's nothing to tell as such. He may not even know himself - 1000s of undiagnosed spectrumers out there. And why should he take himself off to the doctor, he's functioning very well in society. What would it give or add to his life to get a label when he's in no need of any extra support?

He's obviously highly verbal, empathetic and has a great sense of humour, just like many people on the spectrum can have as character traits. Autism is a huge long very big spectrum and you have 0.1% or 100% of it. Big big difference.

What they find hard is to open up and share stuff about themselves with strangers and do small talk and talk about their feelings. It's very hard for them to do this and the whole delay on the sex side of things is another tell tale sign.

First hand experience here... married to a very high functioning aspie who is great in social situations, you'd never know but has no friends and no social life to speak of. He can "do it" and chat endlessly but would he rather be in front of his computer screen learning about highly complex AI stuff and mathematics -yes really.

He's never been diagnosed but shows enough traits to be almost certainly on the spectrum somewhere. Very routine driven and has some OCD but not to a problematic degree.

@INeedNewShoes

... never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone

This describes me. Which way's the scrap heap please?

Same for me (except for one relationship that lasted quite a few months, rather than 'a few' but that never became really serious).

I suppose I know I'm for the scrap heap though. It's all online now isn't it and I can't advertise myself as any kind of catch. I just live in a fantasy life rather than face up to how crap and hopeless it is :(

@nettie434 No we can't diagnose him but we can give our insights based on our experience and general knowledge. A lot of people find out about a condition online or from knowledge they've picked up in books or whatever, and end up being diagnosed with it. I.e. I thought I had bipolar and then ended up being diagnosed with it.

It's great how much awareness there's starting to be of ASD and to some extent ADHD now.

@Wonderbraaaas It depends what you're ok with as to how you proceed. But don't sacrifice yourself for him- you know what you're hoping to get from a relationship and your life.

Sounds like he could be asexual. I would ask him.