Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

282 replies

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 08:38

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

OP posts:
Rawrythetiger · 30/06/2021 10:02

@Wonderbraaaas if you like him it really shouldn’t put you off even if he does have Aspergers. I have an old school friend with Aspergers and you wouldn’t know at all. He just comes across as quirky. But he has a partner and job, leads a complete normal life. I also worked with an older gent who was in the IT department at work. He was very skilled at his job (technology was his thing) but he couldn’t give you eye contact and fumbled over conversation like he was extremely shy. There are varying degrees though, that is why it’s called a spectrum.

namechange842 · 30/06/2021 10:03

My ex bf is autistic (high functioning) and this was basically him. (also 40, no serious relationship) He didn't tell me either because he didn't know/feel the need to get diagnosed. We're still friends, His subsequent gf made him read "The Rosie Project" :)

ravenmum · 30/06/2021 10:04

It won't take you five minutes to read up on autism if you google it, OP!
You've been together a few months and been intimate, so you're at a stage where you could also just ask him if he has ever wondered if he's on the spectrum.

Rosieandjim04 · 30/06/2021 10:04

My OH was like this he has ASD he was 25 when I met him and I was 18 he hadn't had any relationships lasting over a couple of months hes very handsome though that's why some women wanted to sleep with him Grin. 10 years later and one DD later I wonder if he will ever just hug me or touch me without me asking I'm not sure he will.

Loyaultemelie · 30/06/2021 10:05

My DH was in his 40s when we met, still living at home with his elderly Df who passed away a couple of years later and had never been in a relationship. We became friends then best friends before more. He had been on a few dates but nothing serious. I was in an abusive relationship which I left and eventually we became more. He was always quite formal in some ways would ring but never text (still can't gets me to answer any work messages) and tries to always pay for meals etc had never slept with anyone before but was open about everything so I didn't see it as a red flag in any way.

Branleuse · 30/06/2021 10:05

its really not true that everyone is diagnosed autistic on mumsnet. Firstly thats not a diagnosis, its a suggestion that it should be considered when someone talks about someone who has certain traits or behaviours. Its often said kindly too and often by people who are either autistic or have lots of experience with autism.

If someone couldnt read, it wouldnt be like "omg, why is everyone considering dyslexia, maybe hes just thick and lazy". Omg why does everyone suggest depression. He could just be a miserable sad fucker with no ambition, yet as soon as people suggest that certain traits might be an autistic spectrum condition, then without fail, a load of people come on to shout about how we shouldnt "diagnose" someone with autism.

How the hell do you think people actually get properly diagnosed if noone ever dares to suggest that their traits might warrant investigation IF the person wants that. It isnt an insult

Willlowbanks · 30/06/2021 10:05

@wonderbraaaas thinking about my friend:

He doesn't understand other people's emotions and as a result can be very self centred and frankly selfish. How does your date deal with conflict, and upset? Is he able to empathise or compromise? Can he discuss things rationally?
He has some OCD traits, worries about cleanliness so is the type to take his own food in a plastic bag rather than eat a home cooked meal. I get round this by buying him a ready meal, making it obvious is sealed before I heat it so he knows it is safe. Restaurants are ok though! Has other OCD traits around routines, which wouldn't be obvious until you got to know him very well.
Struggles with decision making. Decisions like whether to rent a flat, or buy a car/property, change jobs, get married, have a family etc are agonising for him. It can taking him months or even years, and even then he might back out at the last minute.
Struggles with taking risk. Driving on a motorway, risky sports etc. I think his brain does a complicated risk assessment and usually comes down on the side of stay at home.
However, he is very loyal, adores his wife, would never cheat (the risk assessment thing!), intellectual, hard working, careful with his money so financially stable, and kind. He has a lot of great qualities. I really like him.
Obviously your date is a different person, will have his own personality and qualities, so the above is just an example of some of the traits that may come into play.

ColonelPine · 30/06/2021 10:05

Am I the only one reading this thread and thinking this chap sounds wonderful?! He’s thoughtful, considerate, responsive, funny, polite, interesting, attractive. Seriously he sounds like a good match for you from what you’ve said.

Anyway, it’s a decision only you can make. Good luck with the relationship whatever happens Smile

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 10:07

I’m not bothered if he is on the spectrum, I think he’s great and that wouldn’t bother me!

I’m just trying to work out what’s going on in terms of his lack of relationship history and I don’t want to waste my time as I feel very old now

OP posts:
toocold54 · 30/06/2021 10:07

I’m also like this (female 31) and I don’t think I’m autistic, I’ve just been a working single parent since I was a teen and not had the time or energy to go out on many dates and I haven’t found the right one yet. I also have friends who settled down and got married when they were 18 which I wouldn’t want to do either.

PicsInRed · 30/06/2021 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 10:09

@Willlowbanks one thing that stood out to me from your post was that he cannot make decisions quickly. That is EXACTLY as you’ve said. It takes forever for him to even decide if we meet at 4pm or 5pm for instance. That’s not been easy Grin

OP posts:
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 30/06/2021 10:09

@PicsInRed how fucking rude to all men that have ASD! Having ASD doesn't mean you lack empathy ffs

ipswichwitch · 30/06/2021 10:10

As plenty of pp have said, IF he is autistic he may not be aware of it if he has never undergone assessment or been given a diagnosis. There are undiagnosed adults out there - Anne Heggarty from The Chase was diagnosed as an adult, something she has spoken about in interview. Assessment was something that rarely happened when I was at school, and there were parents who wouldn’t have had it done for their kids anyway due. He can’t tell you if he has autism if he doesn’t know himself.

In any case, whether he has autism or not, he does sound socially awkward, seemingly doesn’t pick up on social cues and is rather formal when communicating. These are things you will have to decide are deal breakers in a relationship or not. If he does turn out to have autism I’d say you have a fair bit to learn about it.

blissfulllife · 30/06/2021 10:10

You've described my husband. Very formal, overthinks, lived with his parents. I was his first serious relationship and I'm pretty sure I was the first person he had sex with. Took a long time for him to feel confident and comfortable enough to get physical. I appreciated this after some horrendous dating experiences and an awful previous marriage.

It's had its problems over the years. He's extremely antisocial, has a very small circle of friends who are very much like him. Very set in his ways and doesn't like change.

On the upside he's so reliable, patient, takes time to process things but then really tries to help when we hit problems, encouraging, empathetic but a bit overly empathetic at times...like he actually really feels my upset, trustworthy and always there for me.

I'm glad I didn't bin him off lol

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 10:10

@PicsInRed I feel like I don’t have time. I do have strong feelings for him so I haven’t just found him and thought he will do, I dated a lot before meeting him. I just feel in December I am old old old. And it’s there looming.

OP posts:
onlyreadingneverposting8 · 30/06/2021 10:11

If the OP wants to end the relationship fine but what you've just said is out of order - very out of order!

Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 10:11

@blissfulllife how long did it take to have sex? I’ve not been bothered so far as we have had intimacy but I don’t think I could go without sex on a regular basis long term.

OP posts:
Wonderbraaaas · 30/06/2021 10:12

@onlyreadingneverposting8 what did I say that was out of order? Confused

OP posts:
mam0918 · 30/06/2021 10:12

@Wonderbraaaas

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship Confused I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

Sounds like he might be somewhere a slight bit further on the spectrum.

I have known many people with highly functional aspergers who are independant, hard working, smart people but who struggle with the workings of inter personal relationships so come across 'a bit wierd' but they genuinely can be great people still.

At 40 he might not even know, many of the people I know wherent diagnosed until well into adulthood (30s, 40s, 50s) as it isnt something that was really considered a 'thing' in the past if the could function fine.

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 30/06/2021 10:12

Agree with @ipswichwitch

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/06/2021 10:12

I think he sounds lovely. I thought no it's nice to have a polite boyfriend who cares whether he is doing things 'right' and who isn't rushing you/taking you for granted.
And of you stick with him and it works out, you won't have a man with tons of baggage - ex wives and kids trailing in his wake. That would be a big plus for me and quite unusual for a 40 year old.

crochetmonkey74 · 30/06/2021 10:12

OP, you seem to be completely confused by the idea of late diagnosis- a colleague I have was finally diagnosed at 47!

Also I think that mumsnet are not diagnosing him necessarily, just saying that they know people who are reminiscent of this chap and have diagnoses. I have a lovely colleague who is 44 - he has never had a girlfriend, just cannot do it- he is sure he is Aspergers (we are teachers so we have a lot of training and he has recognised himself) but he doesn't want a diagnosis as he doesn't see the point

The important thing is you like him, and in a follow up post you said you fancy him which is also good- it's just if you are happy to wait and see how it develops

Greenrubber · 30/06/2021 10:13

Give the guy a break

He seems like he's worried about overstepping marks etc which if he's never been in a relationship makes sense he's probably trying not to fuck it up
I would definitely give him a chance especially seen as you seem to like him
I met my husband when I was 32 and I had never had a relationship prior
Just hadn't met the right person

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 30/06/2021 10:13

@Wonderbraaaas you didn't! It was pics in red - posts came in quickly! X