New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

[Wonderbraaaas]

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

A friend of mine met someone who sounds similar. She is now happily married to him!

You know the rules on MN. Autistic until proven otherwise!
Once proven otherwise, he'll be misdiagnosed and still autistic

I agree with those saying he might be on the spectrum as that was my first thought as well. Without a formal diagnosis, he wouldn't know if he was or not so there's not necessarily anything to tell.

@2021DNA

He sounds fine. You on the other hand sound judgmental, obsessive and controlling. I think he deserves better for his first proper relationship.

@2021DNA thank you 😂 all the best

I know ASD and dementia are trotted out every time on MN, but as the parent of two autistic children ASD was what came into my mind immediately. The staring into space (him zoning out), needing step by step books, being overly formal as a rule all screams ASD to me.

It's something I've had judged someone on when I was younger. Now I have respect for people who didn't just grab the nearest random person to be their first, and their spouse, and the parent of their kids. Plenty of people buckle under peer pressure and do that (and then wonder why they are so unhappy).

I've seen lots of friends go out and get married because it was on their to-do list to be checked off before 28, and someone asked, so...

It's hard to say, but I can understand why pps have asked about autism and Aspergers, and I also thought he might be on the spectrum. He might not know or be aware, if he is on the spectrum.

To be fair to him, your many previous relationships, even with more intimacy, aren't a better (or worse) life history than not having them (or sex previously). They're just different. Your life paths brought you together and made you the people you are.
You're having doubts about him, as his previous relationships will have had too, I imagine. It may not be him having problems committing, as such.

He somewhat reminds me of my current partner of only a few years. It took him forever to finally kiss me, and sex was initiated by me. He didn't really have any experience before, and he is older than yours. Moving in required a where are we going conversation.
He is lovely, though, and sex is very good. We have an excellent relationship.

From what you say, my main concern would be sex. I'd want to just get on with it. If after all this time and with some encouragement he isn't keen, you do need to have a proper conversation with him about it.
You really don't want to waste time with him, if you're not fulfilled in this relationship.

aspergers (now not really used as a diagnosis as its all ASD but with a description of how it affects each person) wasnt even in the DSM until, I believe 1988.

If he was bright and didnt struggle academically, he would not have raised flags. If like my son, he didnt exhibit outbursts, but was shy and sensitive, he would not have raised flags. If he was just a bit odd with strong interests in an age where there wasnt so much going on to overwhelm, he wouldnt have raised flags.

If he has created a world where he has routine, control and regularity, he ticks alot of boxes, plus he has decided he is lonely, doesnt really understand the whole social interaction, and has taken the logical step of getting some advice books, he ticks a few more. The slightly odd comments about learning - another flag or two.

My partner has autism, diagnosed at 52 about 4 years ago. As has my son. and my daughter and myself. all diagnosed year on year around the same time.

My partner sounds a little like this man. He is a good and honest and very kind man. We dont live together though. I have a more chaotic and PDA type autism. I dont think with the kids around it would work, maybe later if just us. But it works for us and has done for nigh on 20 years. He is my absolute rock, and I can also deal with alot of stuff he cant, so I do.

Its not for everyone though, It depends what you want. It depends what he can cope with. It depends what you can cope with. Im a control freak in my own chaotic way, so I dont mind being sole responsibility for the kids, but know that whatever I need I can call on him and, even if it is difficult for him, he will help. He is 100% loyal. I love him absolutely although Im really rubbish at emotions and that stuff myself.

My DH was exactly like that, exactly everything you’ve said, including weekends away. We met when he was late 30s.

There was nothing whatsoever wrong with him and in fact he’s the most honest, loyal and kind person I know. He just struggled seriously in the women department and the older he got, the harder it became as he lacked confidence. He gradually came out of his shell with me and now we’re happily married.

Don’t write him off just yet.

He does sound autistic.

@2021DNA

He sounds fine. You on the other hand sound judgmental, obsessive and controlling. I think he deserves better for his first proper relationship.

I'm sorry OP but I have to (slightly and less bluntly) agree. You do seem to be rather fixated on your 'running out of time' (your not, you 36!) plus all of his potential faults and him being a waste of your time? He sounds quite lovely from what you've described.

He might well be on the spectrum (lots of traits there you've mentioned), or just socially awkward - try to consider his needs also and if you'll be able to add patience to a relationship that sounds like it has legs (you like each other, it's a great start!) or will you just get more frustrated things aren't progressing quickly enough?

I know someone exactly like that. We had a fling when we were late 30s (me)/early 40s (him). It was a LDR so eventually just fizzled out. In time I got married and over ten years has passed. Anyway about a year ago we got in touch again (my husband was fine with it especially as he lives 3 hours away). Still single! Anyway after a bit of occasional messaging (memes, rants about work or stuff Im doing on trips in the UK) and a few phone calls (he’s even spoken to my husband) he’s now saying to me that he’s met someone online (not met in person yet) and can’t stay in touch with me as we slept together a few times. After supporting him through something medically related and listening to his worries about various things I am quite hurt, everything is black and white with him. It’s likely this online meet up won’t amount to anything anyway but I’ve had enough. He hurt me by being all formal and at times detached around the time I was sleeping with him but I thought we were past that as friends but no, obviously not. There’s often a reason they’ve never really progressed emotionally (not all Obvs) but I’d have told my younger self to never have got involved in the first place.

A friend of mine met a very similar guy, who was living with his parents at the age of 40, was very into running marathons and had never had a relationship. They're now happily married with three children.

He sounds nervous, anxious and inexperienced. It's up to you whether you want to do puppy training with a middle aged man or move on.

I have read posts before on here and about early dating and thought run, run far away. But I don't think this here with your situation.

You get on well and you're not rushing into things. Just see how it goes, see if things develop naturally.

I wouldn't rule it out - I'd meet him a few times and give him a chance.

I used to work with a guy who was lovely but just really unlucky at meeting women. He really wanted a relationship but maybe just came across as a bit too keen. He had never had a girlfriend but really wanted to be in a relationship. In his late 30s he finally met someone on OLD who became his first ever girlfriend, it quickly became serious, they got married and had a baby and are perfectly happy. I don't think he's on the spectrum, just had to wait a bit longer than average!

My concern is does he just lose interest in women quickly and can’t commit?

I don't think its that - I would wager women lose interest in him...

I'd carry on as you are, finding out more about each other, and seeing how you feel...If you like him, don't write him off. He IS unusual - but that's not necessarily a bad thing at all.

@User135644

Sounds like he's not neurotypical. That makes it harder for men in particular to have relationships.

i thought this too. I don't think people used to "get diagnosed" so much if it didn't cause them problems...after all if you are happy in your life why would you? If he has bought books it seems as though he is aware that there are things that other people have/do that he does not and that he might want them. If you do decide to proceed be aware that this might just end up in friendship or nothing at all. he might decide that he doesn't want/can't cope with conventional closeness and intimacy. Its likely to be a slow business and he may hurt you not meaning to. Did you ever watch "The Good Doctor" TV series....under the american hype, its quite a good portrayal of one kind of neuro diversity. It was pretty open about sex and the physical aspects of a relationship.

My best wishes whatever you decide.

It's impossible to know without getting to know him better. He sounds inexperienced romantically but from what you've written here he sounds a sweet and genuine guy. For many people who haven't had relationships, it isn't their choice. The books on his shelf suggest he really wants one but finds forming them difficult. Maybe he kept getting dumped because he didn't live up to the stereotypical idea of what a man should be. But what is a man? Everyone's different and there's no right or wrong when it comes to being male and attitudes to sex and relationships. This is where gender roles/tradition/patriarchal society hurts men too, because if they don't live up to what's been arbitrarily decided is a 'real man', it's assumed they're defective.

I also thought he sounded like he might be autistic, but obviously nobody can make a diagnosis on the internet. Ultimately if you like him keep going, if you don't, let him know he isn't right for you so he can find someone who won't judge him.

It does sound like he’s on the spectrum, but that’s not necessarily a disaster. I think it comes down to you being honest with yourself about your needs and if he can meet them. If you’re naturally independent & confident & not that fussed about sex, he could be a great fit for you. If you tend to be insecure and need a lot of reassurance/validation/cheerleading from a partner, that almost certainly won’t work with him and you will both make each other miserable. He will expect you to be more or less like him, and if you’re not, he will be confused & mystified by you. I don’t think the lack of serious relationships is a dealbreaker, all that matters is if he suits you.

@jay55

He sounds nervous, anxious and inexperienced. It's up to you whether you want to do puppy training with a middle aged man or move on.

that is neither a polite not kind way of speaking

I've had a relationship with an autistic man (he was utterly brilliant, which I found really attractive). He was reserved, but he was so easy to be with. I knew where I stood all of the time. The thing about ASD people (my son is ASD and I was a TA at a special school for ASD children) is that they don't manipulate. They don't do games. They don't do white lies or dishonesty. They're straight-up. I really, really love that. And surprise, surprise, they are deeply emotional. They don't show it as much on the surface, but those waters run deep.

It won't be an adventurous, spontaneous, swinging from the chandeliers kind of relationship. It will be steady. You, my friend, will have to be a calm, cool, collected, independent soul who likes your own company as much as you like his. He will want to be in your orbit all the time. He will want to be near you. He may read a book or be doing his own thing, but he will want you in his space and to have you close. ASD people tend to be lonely because there's this really false and shitty assumption that their emotions are flat. Their emotions are actually so honed that they can shut down a bit when you show anger or too much excitement. They feel that cut deeply and will withdraw- not because they don't care, but because they care too much. You can't overwhelm them with emotions because they feel them deeply and get stressed it it's all 'too much'. If you're a fiery, passionate soul who isn't a 'shrinking violet' type, do each other a favour and DO NOT get involved. But if you're a truly calm, measured soul who can stop and analyze a situation before reacting (don't be reactionary with an ASD person), you might find great happiness. Who knows?

For me, I couldn't stay with the guy I was seeing. And I was in love with him. I still think about him. He was a truly good man. But I was also a single mother at the time and I wanted to really be a family. I don't think he could have handled the stress and strain of family.
My current DH is definitely on the spectrum (I must have a thing for very rational, black and white, logical types and I have a theory on that but it's not for here) and we do have 3 children. It works. It's not perfect, but what marriage is? It IS a happy marriage. One thing I really love is that I do have a peaceful marriage and household (that is really, really important to me, personally). Anyway, I've gone in too deep here. I just wanted to give you my perspective.

You are completely ready to settle down with someone and I rather suspect you would try to make it work with anyone at this point. All I would say is consider any of his habits and traits that you find mildly concerning now and think about how you will feel about them several years down the line, after you have lived with them day in day out.

@reader12

It does sound like he’s on the spectrum, but that’s not necessarily a disaster. I think it comes down to you being honest with yourself about your needs and if he can meet them. If you’re naturally independent & confident & not that fussed about sex, he could be a great fit for you. If you tend to be insecure and need a lot of reassurance/validation/cheerleading from a partner, that almost certainly won’t work with him and you will both make each other miserable. He will expect you to be more or less like him, and if you’re not, he will be confused & mystified by you. I don’t think the lack of serious relationships is a dealbreaker, all that matters is if he suits you.

I think you are going to have to be (gently and carefully) honest with him too, and not assume he will understand what you want or feel

@jay55

He sounds nervous, anxious and inexperienced. It's up to you whether you want to do puppy training with a middle aged man or move on.

Brilliant 😂😂😂