New date, he’s 40, would you steer clear if...

[Wonderbraaaas]

He’s never had a relationship. Ie never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone (I asked if he’d ever loved someone after I found out he’d never had a proper relationship, to which he said ‘I got to a stage where I thought I might be able to love x (name of a previous date of a few months).

He’s never introduced anyone to his family, never met anyone’s family, never even been on a holiday with someone, not even for a weekend break.

We get on well but before I found this out (a month or so after meeting), I’d noticed he was incredibly awkward in messages, very very formal (always signs off with his name which I know people do but generally not after you’ve got to know someone?! Maybe just me...). He’s very procedural, would never throw in a flirty comment. When together he’s good fun, very good sense of humour (at least I like it!), but again formal and reserved. Often catch him staring into space and he says oh I’m just thinking... nothing wrong with any of this or course, it’s just unusual. He had a couple of relationship books on the book shelf, one of which was a step by step guide to meeting and talking to women, including advice on what to wear, what to say, how to progress a relationship I guess that’s not a problem in itself but someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive.

I’m just not sure what to do as I’ve had many men mess me about and I’m getting older now, want to settle down so if he’s a hiding to nowhere I want to get out now. I know nobody from the internet can decide for me but just wanted to talk it over I think!

someone who has gone out of their way to buy a book on relationships but has never been in one for forty years makes me apprehensive
It would make me think that he's realised he has a problem with relationships and is trying to learn how to do it better - i.e. he is reasonably self-aware and not so full of himself or bitter and twisted that he thinks it's the women's fault. This would be a plus point for me, though the fact he has the book on show in his living room might put me off; I'd prefer someone who had the pride to hide it!

It does sound more like the women have not been into him, rather than that he's got bored.

I would give him a chance if we really got on well, but at 51 I'm at a stage in life where I've all the husband and family business is behind me-; with none of that pressure I can have fun with whoever I like. Personally I'd want sex soon, but the formality wouldn't put me off too much if he showed signs of being able to have a proper, honest conversation.

It doesn't sound like he's afraid to commit or anything like that. It just sounds like he's socially akward and doesn't know/understand how to do relationships.

I think this could potentially go one of two ways. You could take the lead and teach him the kind of relationship you want/need, he comes out of his shell and it all goes swimmingly. Or you could get fed up and frustrated with always having to take the lead.

You need to decide what is best for you and what kind of relationship you want. If you are happy taking the lead, it can work, if you expect the man to take the lead it won't.

Autism was the first thing I thought, as well. He won't tell you that he is if he's not diagnosed, and many men aren't. My husband is nearly 40 and very similar but, whilst frustrating at times (what relationship isn't?!) he makes a wonderful partner in many ways. I'm convinced he's autistic as I've done plenty of research due to our daughter being diagnosed, but he won't even entertain the thought.

This guy clearly sounds like someone who wants to be a good partner to you. He may not be 'conventional' but he's done his research and it sounds like he wants to make you happy. Don't discount him because he's not what you're used to, especially since you appear to like him. Take it slowly and see where things end up.

Sounds very like a friend of mine who I am absolutely positive is Asperges. He'd probably be very upset if I said that to his face, and wouldn't tell someone he was on the spectrum. He didn't have any relationships before 40, but then met a female version of himself though online dating and they are very happy together. They are an odd couple, don't really fit in with everyone else, and are quite hard work generally.

Be rational about this, as relationships with someone who isn't NT when you are NT are not easy. I'm not writing them off, just be aware. I'm very fond of my friend, but I couldn't live with him.

... never had a relationship that lasted beyond a few months, never moved in, never met parents, never said he loved anyone

This describes me. Which way's the scrap heap please?

Shelddd

I went out of my way to say it was not directed at him- the OP was expressing concern and that she had found it taxing so far- other PPs had said they had been in similar situations and found it hard- I wasn't ever suggesting people had to be perfect 'unicorns'

@INeedNewShoes

Maybe I’m very naive but I really don’t understand all the comments about him being autistic?! I do think if someone was autistic they would know by age forty and would want to tell me?

I wouldn’t be bothered if he did have autism but I’m just not sure it is that. I think he’d have told me.

In terms of sex we have been intimate but just not sex yet. He’s more confident after a drink. After he’s touched me he will often ask afterwards if it was ok, he seems very nervous about it.

The formality is what I find so unusual. It’s like reading a text from a colleague a lot of the time. I found that quite difficult as it made me think I couldn’t say anything affectionate or flirty to him. As time has progressed he has got better at this and sometimes will say ‘I’m learning aren’t I?’ It is all just a bit strange.

If I didn’t have such a great time with him when together, then I would have written it off. But I laugh loads and do fancy him a lot

It sounds as though he has Aspergers. This would absolutely explain the social awkwardness in terms of being overly formal in non formal scenarios. High intelligence often goes hand in hand with Aspergers so his witty humour and conversation are all part and part. His ability to read emotional cues or understand appropriate social etiquette are what is mainly affected. The fact he’s tried to understand how relationships work by educating himself with self help books is actually very admirable and shows a level of self awareness some on the spectrum don’t possess. This is assuming he has autism of course.

@Willlowbanks in what way do you anticipate it being difficult? (If he does has Aspergers which I am not sure he does to be honest). I don’t want to get involved in something that won’t go anywhere, I don’t think I can handle that again, just want a quiet life!

Is there anything preventing you from just taking your time? Eg, you have no kids and you want them?

@Rawrythetiger what is the difference between autism and aspergers? He is able to have conversations, talk about things, he’s got a decent job, he’s quite caring and self aware. I don’t know much about being on the spectrum but I didn’t think these were traits of that.

@wizzywig I’m 36 in December and just want to settle down.

I think you're reading too much into it. You like him, you have fun. He may be formal but can you live with that for now and see how it pans out? If not then time to move on.

Fwiw I met now dh 4 years ago via OLD and at the age of 40 it was my first date post divorce. I acted like a mad woman for quite a few months as I was so nervous and just not sure how I felt. Given time I relaxed and realised he was a keeper. If I was him I would t have had date 2 with me!!

He could easily just be shy. Maybe ask him?? But plenty of adults are diagnosed at his age or older. www.bbc.com/news/health-50380411

My female friend is exactly the same - I think it does put men off. She bails at the first disagreement as she is very 'my way or no way' so I think that definitely feeds into it

I know loads of people who have done all the things he hasn't, but are still absolutely rubbish at relationships.

I completely agree.
Too many people jump from relationship to relationship and tell them they love them, get engaged etc really soon. I would never be with these types of people. Whereas this guy has been honest and if he does do all of those things with you you’ll know it’s because he really likes you.

@TangoWhiskyAlphaTango 36 in December so don’t feel like I can faff about much :(

@Wonderbraaaas you’d be surprised how many people go undiagnosed well into adulthood. It is high functioning autism so generally people lead regular lives they just find it hard to “fit in” and can say/do inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Kind of like there is no filter. Have you noticed if he has a particular way of doing things? People with Aspergers usually like rigid routine and tend to collect things, eg stamps or model aeroplanes etc. They often have an extreme interest in a particular or specific subject which they enjoy talking about enthusiastically.

No way.

Sounds autistic and sounds just like I would expect my 20yr old DD to be (she's on the spectrum but most people wouldn't know if they met her...unless they had a lot of experience with people with ASD) i suspect she may well why to 40 without a relationship too but I knows she's like a partner at some point. Some of these replies are depressing tbh!

He is able to have conversations, talk about things, he’s got a decent job, he’s quite caring and self aware.

You're saying more positive stuff about this guy than negative.

He's making an effort to get things right. You fancy him. He sounds like a decent guy.

If he's financially independent and you like him and he's clearly shown that he's willing/able to learn where his experience is lacking then with a little guidance he sounds like he could be a great partner.

@Rawrythetigery yes everything has a way of doing it for him but I wouldn’t say he’s inflexible. He hoards certain foods and like everything in an exact place. I don’t see that as autism necessarily though? I like to have ways of doing things, a lot of people do.

Blinking auto correct! I suspect she could get to 40 without a relationship but know she wants a partner at some point!

Hi last time I said ... mans pov here I kinda got attacked by posts but he sounds inheritanly shy. And probably not worldly wise. 2 choices drop him or take it very slowly with him, maybe you can bring him out of his shell so to speak