Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 21:01

Ooops, picked up the wrong message. Sorry.

slightlysnippy · 28/06/2021 21:01

He definitely did not hint you were fat, he hinted at the fact he really does not like that dress.

Your definition not fat, and the fact is, over the course of a relationship your not always going to agree on some items of clothing.

I still remember years ago buying a goth type shirt, which I thought was fab and very in fashion, showed my DH (boyfriend at the time) and he laughed himself off the bed while singing Adam Ants, Prince Charming. That item was quickly returned.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:01

@BuggersMuddle

Unless he has form, I think you’re overreacting. It sounds like you went a little ott on the shirt comment (‘wear what you like - I think that blue shirt’s nice’ or similar would do it) and he thought that was a green light to share.

Bring a bloke, probably didn’t immediately occur to him that this might be your only outfit do commenting would be an issue. My DH has done this and I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that it was not cool (if I have to go out in it, don’t knock my confidence before) BUT we’re a long established couple so can tell the other they’re being a bit of an arse, apologise and crack on.

In a newish relationship I really wouldn’t overthink it. You maybe overdid your comment and he was cack-handed at best. I’d let it be for now and if he does similar, speak up, especially as it does sound like a subject you might be a big sensitive about (no judgement - I can be too Smile )

If he didn't always invite my opinion, I wouldn't have said anything. It's important to him that he looks good and feels confident for a gig. That's all.

Besides "you look really nice that that" is a very different to "you look a bit shit in that".

OP posts:
pilates · 28/06/2021 21:02

I don’t think he was saying you were fat. I think he rather tactlessly said that as he didn’t like the dress you were wearing. I used to have a boyfriend that used to like mini skirts and high heels 🙄. I purposely didn’t wear them as it pissed me off.

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 21:02

@AllRainedOut Next date. Wink

fantastaballs · 28/06/2021 21:02

@AllRainedOut

WaltzingBetty

It wasn't meant to he massively interesting! I was going to be out of the house for 14 hours and driving. I just wanted to be comfortable! I wasn't trying to look interesting!

I think this is the problem. You wanted to be comfortable but he was going on stage (?) and got changed. You didn't. My dad is a musician and even now he is in his seventies, he still likes his latest squeeze to be dressed up. Maybe it was just a Round about about way of saying that. Like- Fine for the day time but it is a pretty boring dress.

I wouldn't be dumping him over it if this is the only thing he's done. People are allowed a difference of opinion. My husband will often roll his eyes at my hair colour choice and say I'm acting like a silly teen Ager. But I don't care. He still loves me. He's allowed to think that. And I'm allowed to ignore it.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:03

@SleepingStandingUp

So just dump him *@AllRainedOut*, you've clearly decided he meant to upset you and will give it a few days then dump him without explanation
No. I've just asked the question and explained thinking on it. If I were just going to dump him I'd have done it and wouldn't bother posting. I just wondered how other people would interpret it. It seems most would interpret it differently.
OP posts:
slightlysnippy · 28/06/2021 21:04

@AllRainedOut

Not something I would wear personally but it's clearly bothering you a lot so can you not just be honest with him and tell him his comment made you feel upset?

God, no! I'd never tell a man he'd upset me. If he can't work out social graces for himself, I'm not going to teach him. I'd normally just walk away at this point. I just don't knownif that's what other people meant previously that I read stuff into comments that isn't there because of my history.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone your in a relationship with that they hurt you. It's called communicating and very healthy.
fantastaballs · 28/06/2021 21:04

@AllRainedOut

Not something I would wear personally but it's clearly bothering you a lot so can you not just be honest with him and tell him his comment made you feel upset?

God, no! I'd never tell a man he'd upset me. If he can't work out social graces for himself, I'm not going to teach him. I'd normally just walk away at this point. I just don't knownif that's what other people meant previously that I read stuff into comments that isn't there because of my history.

My mind is blown. So he is supposed to know he has hurt your feelings desire the fact that you just smile and nod when he does so? THIS is why men believe women are mysterious creatures that are impossible to figure out. TELL HIM for gods sake.
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:05

I think i just don't ever really feel attractive enough because of previous comments. I'd prefer appearance wasn't acknowledged at all if I'm honest.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:06

Besides "you look really nice that that" is a very different to "you look a bit shit in that".

But he didn't say that Confused
Honestly you're projecting massively.

I actually think you should leave him over this. Give him a chance to find someone who doesn't invent reasons to dislike him

FlaminEckVera · 28/06/2021 21:06

I think if I was young and on the dating scene now, I would flat out dump any man who tried to tell me what looked good on me and what doesn't. Who the fuck do they think they are?

I put up with all kinds of shitty comments and negging, and 'chubster' comments, (those came when I was 9 stone and a size 10,) and it knocked my self confidence. I didn't know then, that they just did to bring me down and try to keep me in my place, and be grateful they were with me. Hmm

@AllRainedOut Don't tolerate it and be a meek mouse like I was. Just say 'I actually give zero FUCKS what you think about how I look in any given dress or outfit, so there is no need to comment, coz your opinion is irrelevant.' Smile

This is what I would say now, (and DO say occasionally,) and it's what I wished I had said when I first started dating boys/men.

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 28/06/2021 21:07

I think you may be putting your own spin on what he said. He may have meant that the colour was not flattering. Black can be very draining. Black can be very dowdy too, especially on that kind of dress. He may have thought the length of the dress was not flattering, especially if you’re only 5.4.

There’s nothing in what he said to suggest he was suggesting you are overweight. If you are the size you say you are, then why would someone think you were fat.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:07

But I don't want to hear "It makes you look fat."

If he meant it innocently, why not say something more constructive?

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:07

@AllRainedOut

I think i just don't ever really feel attractive enough because of previous comments. I'd prefer appearance wasn't acknowledged at all if I'm honest.
And maybe seek therapy/do some work on yourself.

I know the whole 'love yourself' thing is trite but honestly until you do it sounds like you'll be looking for excuses to blame your boyfriend for your emotional state

MadKittenWoman · 28/06/2021 21:08

A high-necked, black maxi dress isn't at all summery. Maybe that's what he meant?

Hohofortherobbers · 28/06/2021 21:09

I think you need to grow a thicker skin, this would not be worth dumping him over. My dh and I can be very honest with each other without taking offence. Its not always best to only give and get compliments, it's nice to know you can rely on an honest opinion, even if it's unsolicited. No need to jump to conclusions it's about your weight, perhaps ask him to be more specific instead of assuming, then you might get the compliment you wanted.

FlaminEckVera · 28/06/2021 21:09

@SunshineCake

Oh God. Talk about over reacting. My dh has told me some things I wear aren't the best. He isn't saying I'm fat !
It's a slippery slope.........
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:11

Tbh, i wouldn't have said anything at the time anyway. It was the first gig in months and he was really.looking forward to it. I wouldn't have said anything to put a dent in his mood. It wouldn't have been fair.

I always feel bit silly trying to look nice. I'd rather go out not having made an effort rather than having made an effort and still being criticised.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 28/06/2021 21:11

Could you post a pic of you wearing it (no face) to see if it is too tight, too low cut etc. I’d be shocked if he meant you looked fat in it as it doesn’t look the type of dress to do that. I agree with the PPs that he may want a skimpier number as maybe that is covering too much up lol.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:12

@Hohofortherobbers

I think you need to grow a thicker skin, this would not be worth dumping him over. My dh and I can be very honest with each other without taking offence. Its not always best to only give and get compliments, it's nice to know you can rely on an honest opinion, even if it's unsolicited. No need to jump to conclusions it's about your weight, perhaps ask him to be more specific instead of assuming, then you might get the compliment you wanted.
I don't want a compliment. I want no comment.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 21:12

@ThePlantsitter

Not flattering could mean doesn't suit your colouring or doesn't show off your boobs properly. It doesn't automatically mean fat. I mean the other things aren't great either but I think he just didn't like that dress. I'm not saying give him a chance if you don't want to (why would I?) I just think you might want to ask yourself why you're so determined it's about your weight.
I agree with this.

Not saying this is your issue at all but as someone with a history of eating disorders, I often project 'fat' / 'weight' into comments that don't actually contain them!

Again, not saying that's the case for you. Just conscious that projection when it comes to body image is something many people go through including me.

My boyfriend could simply say "I prefer the pink one to the purple one" and I would think "oh god does the purple one make me look fat?!" so I'm trying to be more intellectually aware of how my body image filters comments I receive from other people.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:13

@toocold54

Could you post a pic of you wearing it (no face) to see if it is too tight, too low cut etc. I’d be shocked if he meant you looked fat in it as it doesn’t look the type of dress to do that. I agree with the PPs that he may want a skimpier number as maybe that is covering too much up lol.
I would but there are no photos of me wearing it. Very few photos of me at all tbh.
OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:13

@AllRainedOut

Tbh, i wouldn't have said anything at the time anyway. It was the first gig in months and he was really.looking forward to it. I wouldn't have said anything to put a dent in his mood. It wouldn't have been fair.

I always feel bit silly trying to look nice. I'd rather go out not having made an effort rather than having made an effort and still being criticised.

What effort did you make if you didn't even get changed?

I think as a op said that may have been part of the problem.
He was excited and getting dressed up for his first gig in ages

You were there in a dress you'd worn all day looking like you were headed to a funeral

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:14

My boyfriend could simply say "I prefer the pink one to the purple one" and I would think "oh god does the purple one make me look fat?!" so I'm trying to be more intellectually aware of how my body image filters comments I receive from other people

If he'd said that, I'd have taken it as a preference on the dress but he didn't.

OP posts: