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Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/06/2021 20:25

He wasn't keen on the dress. He didn't think it suited you. I fail to see where he said you were fat. He didn't.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:25

Sounds more and more like he's not keen on your dress sense and is inviting your opinion on his in the hope that you might return the favour

He doesn't have to like it. He hasn't ever said, "You look really nice in x" or "I think you'd look really nice in y". This is the only time he's ever really offered an opinion beyond the occasional "You look nice".

OP posts:
VodkaSlimline · 28/06/2021 20:27

Cross posted, have now seen the dress pic... Grab a pair of scissors and cut a 3 foot slit up the front of it!

Tyredofallthis1 · 28/06/2021 20:28

It might be something or nothing. It may be that he had bad experiences with women wearing those sort of dresses. It may be that he doesn't like the colour. People are complicated.

On the other hand, google negging and keep an eye out.

Good luck.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:29

Why on earth would you ask him which shirt he was changing into?

Hardly controlling. I was just showing an interest. Besides, he often asks which one I'd like him to wear. That's his choice.

OP posts:
RaginaFalangi · 28/06/2021 20:30

It was rude to comment when you hadn't asked, has he done or said anything else in a rude way?

Not quite this bluntly. He prides himself on being a good communicator. He never says anything unintentionally or clumsily

I would take that as still being rude even though its not as blunt, there's difference being a good communicator and being an arrogant dick imo.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:31

Besides, I've never offered an unsolicited negative opinion on anything he's worn. I don't say anything if not a not a compliment. He can wear what he likes!

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 28/06/2021 20:33

My friend was given a dress once. It was far too short and every time she sat down you could almost see her growler. We were on the bus one day and it just wasn't fair not to tell her because people were laughing at her, so she asked me honestly did I think the dress was too small. I said yes. She has some really pretty dresses she looks lovely in. This wasn't one of them.

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 20:33

You're massively overthinking a small comment. He never said you were fat. I could show you tons of pictures of willowy models wearing unflattering, downright fugly dresses. Nothing to do with their weight.

Maybe he was taking you to meet his mates and he'd told them what a stunner you were and you turned up in a dress that didn't portray you at your best. Maybe he thought it was a good time to tell you that he didn't like the dress as you were both discussing clothes. Who knows? If you like the dress, wear it. I once had a pair of palazzo pants that I absolutely loved. I looked the business in them. DH said it was like watching wallpaper walk. I didn't care. Those were cool pants.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 28/06/2021 20:34

It sounds like the whole thing was a set up so he could tell you he didn't want you to wear that dress. I don't think it was to do with your size but shallow nonetheless!!

ThePlantsitter · 28/06/2021 20:35

He wasn't criticising you, he was criticising the dress. Maybe you don't suit black. No need to stick around if you don't want to or don't appreciate the comment - it would piss me off too, unprompted - but I have no idea why you thought it was a criticism of your weight.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:35

@Geanna2

My friend was given a dress once. It was far too short and every time she sat down you could almost see her growler. We were on the bus one day and it just wasn't fair not to tell her because people were laughing at her, so she asked me honestly did I think the dress was too small. I said yes. She has some really pretty dresses she looks lovely in. This wasn't one of them.
Yes, but she asked you.

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I would even have posted because it would have been a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 28/06/2021 20:35

I dont think he was commenting on your weight tbh. And you were talking about clothing so think it was a follow on from that. I would have asked him what he didnt like. Maybe it hid what he thinks is your best feature? I think you are overthinking massively, and it would be a shame to lose a potentially great relationship for this.

thelegohooverer · 28/06/2021 20:36

I’m not convinced it’s about being fat.

But I would have an issue with him feeling entitled to criticise your appearance.

I don’t know why, but a lot of men of my acquaintance feel entitled to chip in with unsolicited opinions like this when they’re dating, as if they own your appearance. The worst are the ones who think they can request you to dress in a certain way, or wear your hair down like their own personal dress up dollHmm

I’ve been told that I was wearing clothes that were unflattering when I was a very slim size 8 so I genuinely wouldn’t jump to fat straight away.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:36

@moonbedazzled

You're massively overthinking a small comment. He never said you were fat. I could show you tons of pictures of willowy models wearing unflattering, downright fugly dresses. Nothing to do with their weight.

Maybe he was taking you to meet his mates and he'd told them what a stunner you were and you turned up in a dress that didn't portray you at your best. Maybe he thought it was a good time to tell you that he didn't like the dress as you were both discussing clothes. Who knows? If you like the dress, wear it. I once had a pair of palazzo pants that I absolutely loved. I looked the business in them. DH said it was like watching wallpaper walk. I didn't care. Those were cool pants.

His friends have all met me before.

He wouldn't have told them I'm a stunner Grin

I'm not and he doesn't think I am.

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 20:37

Why didn't you say" in what way? Colour? Style? What?"

What DID you say?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 20:38

Honestly you sound like you're projecting.
You're not fat and his comment doesn't suggest he thinks you are.
You're not prepared to discuss issues in relationships.l, just let them simmer bad dump so honestly no relationship IS going to last because no one is 100% perfect. Occasionally people have different codes and mess up. You tell them, they apologise, you grow as a couple

CoronaBanana · 28/06/2021 20:38

What you said to him first sounds quite controlling. Why on earth would you ask him which shirt he was changing into?

God yeah.
Can you imagine if a man asked a woman that? "What dress are you getting changed into?" Everyone on here would be telling you he's controlling and to ltb.

I think you may be a tad sensitive OP.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2021 20:39

To be honest if my husband is wearing something he doesn’t suit I will tell him, and much more bluntly than your partner did to you. And no I’m not secretly telling him he’s fat, just I don’t like certain items. And I’m happy if he tells me. Relationships should be honest.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:40

@ThePlantsitter

He wasn't criticising you, he was criticising the dress. Maybe you don't suit black. No need to stick around if you don't want to or don't appreciate the comment - it would piss me off too, unprompted - but I have no idea why you thought it was a criticism of your weight.
Because he said it was unflattering. I don't know what else he could have meant by that.

He said he felt really bad saying it.

He wasn't saying he liked me in something else more. Or that I look nice in something else.

OP posts:
CherryCherries · 28/06/2021 20:40

That dress is a very funeral kind of dress and whatever size, I wouldn't imagine suits many.

I don't think he was commenting on your size, I think he was commenting on the dress, which is not great.

RoxanneMonke · 28/06/2021 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:41

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Why didn't you say" in what way? Colour? Style? What?"

What DID you say?

I said it was tough because that's what I was wearing and I didn't have another with me 🤷🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
Babygotblueyes · 28/06/2021 20:42

PS. Once had a boyfriend comment on my 'wart'. I have a mole on my cheek. We had a chat about his choice of words and went on to have a happy few years together.

SunshineCake · 28/06/2021 20:43

Oh God. Talk about over reacting. My dh has told me some things I wear aren't the best. He isn't saying I'm fat !