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Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:16

The point is, I didn't ask him! There was no need for him to say anything at all.

Or he could have said, "Well, I really like you in X dress." But he didn't.

I'm inclined to wear it all the time now!

OP posts:
VodkaSlimline · 28/06/2021 20:16

Doesn't sound like he thinks you're fat - I think that's your issue and you're projecting! Based on the info you've shared, I'd say it's more likely he wants to see you in something a bit more sexy and revealing than a shroud/nun's habit...

Getafuckinggripman · 28/06/2021 20:16

I like the dress OP it would look nice with a load of colourful bangles / earrings x

Timmytoo · 28/06/2021 20:16

My DP wouldn't be a fan as he likes colour or something to break up a solid colour like this one. Maybe it could be that. He didn't mention anything relating to your weight so I wouldn't have thought he meant that you looked fat.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 20:17

@AllRainedOut

The point is, I didn't ask him! There was no need for him to say anything at all.

Or he could have said, "Well, I really like you in X dress." But he didn't.

I'm inclined to wear it all the time now!

You said that you asked him which shirt he was changing into. So you clearly like to have an opinion on his clothes too
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:17

Not something I would wear personally but it's clearly bothering you a lot so can you not just be honest with him and tell him his comment made you feel upset?

God, no! I'd never tell a man he'd upset me. If he can't work out social graces for himself, I'm not going to teach him. I'd normally just walk away at this point. I just don't knownif that's what other people meant previously that I read stuff into comments that isn't there because of my history.

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 28/06/2021 20:17

I don't think he was calling you fat but he was fucking rude to say that at all

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 28/06/2021 20:17

Thinking he's hinting you're fat is a stretch.

He doesn't like the dress and was rude enough to say so.

Do you try to wear 'flattering' clothes rather than something with a shape? I wonder if that's what he's picking up on, that it's a 'safe' option.

Either way you're not wrong to think he was out of order, just possibly not in the way you think.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 28/06/2021 20:18

It sounds like he was commenting negatively on your choice of dress, nothing to do with your body shape or size.

At worst I'd say it was a negative comment on your dress sense (as he didn't offer an alternative).

Do you tend to wear a lot of black?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 20:18

@AllRainedOut

The point is, I didn't ask him! There was no need for him to say anything at all.

Or he could have said, "Well, I really like you in X dress." But he didn't.

I'm inclined to wear it all the time now!

And maybe this is why you can't sustain a relationship! If you like him otherwise i wouldn't give it a second thought!
Bluntness100 · 28/06/2021 20:18

I can’t see the leap between this and your weight? He just doesn’t like the dress.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:19

You said that you asked him which shirt he was changing into. So you clearly like to have an opinion on his clothes too

Inthinonthere's a difference between saying "you look really nice in that" and what he said though. It's the only time I ever comment. He often asks me how he looks or if he should wear something. He invites my opinion and we've had conversations about this before where he's asked me what I'd like him to wear. I've never done that.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 28/06/2021 20:19

What you said to him first sounds quite controlling. Why on earth would you ask him which shirt he was changing into?
If he had asked you which dress you were changing into, you'd probably get annoyed and dump him. But it seems OK to you to take a very keen interest in how he looks.
Maybe he was pissed off that you are telling him how to dress so gave you a taste of your own medicine.
Like you say you don't dare invite feedback about yourself but you jump into his business and tell him what you'd like him to wear.

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 20:19

I don't think you're as blameless in all this as you think, OP - and it has nothing to do with your weight.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 20:20

@AllRainedOut

Not something I would wear personally but it's clearly bothering you a lot so can you not just be honest with him and tell him his comment made you feel upset?

God, no! I'd never tell a man he'd upset me. If he can't work out social graces for himself, I'm not going to teach him. I'd normally just walk away at this point. I just don't knownif that's what other people meant previously that I read stuff into comments that isn't there because of my history.

Well I'd read into that that you expect him to understand what offends you without you having to communicate it 🤷‍♀️

I imagine if you walk away whenever someone fails to read your mind that nay be influencing you relationship longevity.

Geanna2 · 28/06/2021 20:20

Maybe he just doesn't like the dress much? Maybe it's nothing whatsoever to do with your body? Maybe you're a bit over sensitive because you think people are always making veiled comments about your weight, so even comments not related to you or your weight are perceived as such?

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:21

@EnjoyingTheArmoire

It sounds like he was commenting negatively on your choice of dress, nothing to do with your body shape or size.

At worst I'd say it was a negative comment on your dress sense (as he didn't offer an alternative).

Do you tend to wear a lot of black?

No. I very rarely wear black unless I'm gigging too.

If he'd framed it positively then fair enough. Saying "I prefer you in X" isn't the same as just telling me I look bad in what I am wearing!

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:21

@Geanna2

Maybe he just doesn't like the dress much? Maybe it's nothing whatsoever to do with your body? Maybe you're a bit over sensitive because you think people are always making veiled comments about your weight, so even comments not related to you or your weight are perceived as such?
That's why I asked really because I just don't know.
OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 28/06/2021 20:21

I don't think he was saying you are fat, just that he didn't like the dress. He was rude to say anything but to be honest it's a very drab dress and I can't see how it would be flattering on anyone.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 20:21

@AllRainedOut

You said that you asked him which shirt he was changing into. So you clearly like to have an opinion on his clothes too

Inthinonthere's a difference between saying "you look really nice in that" and what he said though. It's the only time I ever comment. He often asks me how he looks or if he should wear something. He invites my opinion and we've had conversations about this before where he's asked me what I'd like him to wear. I've never done that.

Sounds more and more like he's not keen on your dress sense and is inviting your opinion on his in the hope that you might return the favour
RaginaFalangi · 28/06/2021 20:22

@AllRainedOut

Not something I would wear personally but it's clearly bothering you a lot so can you not just be honest with him and tell him his comment made you feel upset?

God, no! I'd never tell a man he'd upset me. If he can't work out social graces for himself, I'm not going to teach him. I'd normally just walk away at this point. I just don't knownif that's what other people meant previously that I read stuff into comments that isn't there because of my history.

So you wouldn't tell any man that they upset you at all in any situation?

It was rude to comment when you hadn't asked, has he done or said anything else in a rude way?

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:22

Well I'd read into that that you expect him to understand what offends you without you having to communicate it

I think most people understand that an unsolicited criticism is rude. He even acknowledged it himself before saying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:24

So you wouldn't tell any man that they upset you at all in any situation?

No. Well, I did once and he turned it on me so I dumped him anyway.

It was rude to comment when you hadn't asked, has he done or said anything else in a rude way?

Not quite this bluntly. He prides himself on being a good communicator. He never says anything unintentionally or clumsily.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 20:24

@AllRainedOut

Well I'd read into that that you expect him to understand what offends you without you having to communicate it

I think most people understand that an unsolicited criticism is rude. He even acknowledged it himself before saying it.

But I wasn't referencing his unsolicited criticism. I was referencing the fact that you walk away from relationships when someone says something you dislike rather than discuss it
dudsville · 28/06/2021 20:24

I don't know where to stand on this. I remember a previous partner commented on my wide leg trousers. I was a size 8 and he felt he didn't get the view he wanted. It's also the case that that relationship wasn't one that was going to survive anyway.

The love of my life however doesn't like my dress sense. So I have to really be confident that I'm wearing what I want because even if I think I look good he simply will not comment on my clothes. I love him because of his many wonderful qualities. He does make me feel good about myself in many ways. I accept he doesn't like what I wear, or at least won't comment, I won't bother asking him outright why he doesn't!

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