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Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
rainbowfairydust · 28/06/2021 21:15

I'm not sure if you will find someone to be as tactful as what you want them to be... I don't think I know any man... Or woman.... Who wouldn't put their foot in it at some point with their partner over not liking what they are wearing or similar. If he was good in all other aspects of the relationship then I'd let that comment go... But equally let him know you were a bit offended so he doesn't make the same error twice

catfunk · 28/06/2021 21:15

He was rude yes but he didn't mention your size did he?

Ihavethesamedress · 28/06/2021 21:16

I think you sound hard work TBH OP.

Why can't you tell a bloke they've upset you? If you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to be able to be honest with them.

I've been with my DH for 20 years. I'm not a fan of his dress sense, he lives in joggers and I'm probably too high maintenance for his tastes. But neither of us is ashamed to be seen with the other and we like each other for our company, not what we wear.

I have the same dress, is it from Dorothy Perkins? I wouldn't wear it on a night out personally. I wear it on warm days when I can't be arsed shaving my legs before the school run TBH.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:16

What effort did you make if you didn't even get changed?

I went to support him, I drove, I gave him space to mingle and socialise as is required...

I smiled and said I'd had a lovely time despite the fact I'd bee ony own for hours and was bored stupid! Because it is boring hanging round at someone else's gig. Especially when it's for a private function amd you don't know anyone and aren't a guest.

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 21:17

You could think of it Ipin another way. According to you he thinks you're a plain, fat frump with questionable dress sense. He's still still with you. Must be lurve. 😍

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 21:18

@AllRainedOut

My boyfriend could simply say "I prefer the pink one to the purple one" and I would think "oh god does the purple one make me look fat?!" so I'm trying to be more intellectually aware of how my body image filters comments I receive from other people

If he'd said that, I'd have taken it as a preference on the dress but he didn't.

Did the rest of my message resonate at all OP? Not necessarily an eating disorder, but a body image issue / previous hurt from comments on your body creating a kind of trauma you're projecting:

I often project 'fat' / 'weight' into comments that don't actually contain them!

Again, not saying that's the case for you. Just conscious that projection when it comes to body image is something many people go through including me.

georgarina · 28/06/2021 21:18

I would be really offended by that comment and think it's really rude. Given a compliment you don't then go in and make an unsolicited criticism.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:19

@Ihavethesamedress

I think you sound hard work TBH OP.

Why can't you tell a bloke they've upset you? If you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to be able to be honest with them.

I've been with my DH for 20 years. I'm not a fan of his dress sense, he lives in joggers and I'm probably too high maintenance for his tastes. But neither of us is ashamed to be seen with the other and we like each other for our company, not what we wear.

I have the same dress, is it from Dorothy Perkins? I wouldn't wear it on a night out personally. I wear it on warm days when I can't be arsed shaving my legs before the school run TBH.

It wasn't a night out for me though. It was lugging heavy gear around and largely staying out of the way.

Yes it is from DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:19

@moonbedazzled

You could think of it Ipin another way. According to you he thinks you're a plain, fat frump with questionable dress sense. He's still still with you. Must be lurve. 😍
🤣 that is quite the spin!
OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:20

See, I don’t think you’re over-thinking this, or over-reacting. It’s not about the dress, it’s about the principle,

I think you know exactly how you feel: you complimented him, and he criticised you. And it made you feel bad and you didn’t deserve to feel bad.

The dynamic was off and quite rightly it set your sirens off internally. It sounds like negging.

I would feel the same, it would push me further away from the other person and make me defensive. For a good reason.

Dress looks nice btw, easily dressed up for an evening out.

Stand by your instincts.

Aprilx · 28/06/2021 21:21

He didn’t mention your weight and I don’t think he hinted at it either. I think he was making a comment about the dress, which does look quite boring and possibly swamps you. If you can comment and suggest what he should wear, I don’t see why he can’t do the same.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:21

Did the rest of my message resonate at all OP? Not necessarily an eating disorder, but a body image issue / previous hurt from comments on your body creating a kind of trauma you're projecting

I often project 'fat' / 'weight' into comments that don't actually contain them!

Well that's why i asked really. Because I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Pogostemon · 28/06/2021 21:21

I don’t think he was calling you fat. My husband says things like that, and he actually means ‘shorter, tighter, more cleavage, more legs, probably not black’.

Which I mostly ignore.

WindowsSmindows · 28/06/2021 21:22

Op you need therapy. You cannot communicate your emotions. It could transform your life, you deserve peace of mind.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:22

If you can comment and suggest what he should wear, I don’t see why he can’t do the same.

Because he always asks. I never do. If he never asked i wouldn't say anything. I certainly wouldn't criticise him out of nowhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:23

@AtrociousCircumstance

See, I don’t think you’re over-thinking this, or over-reacting. It’s not about the dress, it’s about the principle,

I think you know exactly how you feel: you complimented him, and he criticised you. And it made you feel bad and you didn’t deserve to feel bad.

The dynamic was off and quite rightly it set your sirens off internally. It sounds like negging.

I would feel the same, it would push me further away from the other person and make me defensive. For a good reason.

Dress looks nice btw, easily dressed up for an evening out.

Stand by your instincts.

Yes, that's exactly how it made me feel.
OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:23

@WindowsSmindows

Op you need therapy. You cannot communicate your emotions. It could transform your life, you deserve peace of mind.
Christ. A woman says a new boyfriend gives a snide little pointless criticism after she’s complimented him, and she didn’t like it - and she needs therapy?!
FurryMcFlurry · 28/06/2021 21:24

My OH always comments on an oversized shirt I wear around the house, says it needs to go and is unflattering which it is. But it’s just SO comfortable I can’t part with it

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 28/06/2021 21:24

I've got that dress OP and it's lovely on. Hangs really well, a good weight of jersey.
My girl pals all compliment me when I'm wearing it.
My husband isn't mad on it though. He thinks it's a bit casual and I have a similar fabric dress in navy that's knee length which he much prefers.
I'm wearing one of them on Wednesday night out for a casual dinner, haven't decided which yet Smile
Could just be that?
Sorry he's made you feel rubbish though. That's hard.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 21:24

It sounds like your issues run way deeper than whether you looked fat in a dress. Would you consider some therapy to explore why you feel so negatively about yourself?

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:26

@AllRainedOut

What effort did you make if you didn't even get changed?

I went to support him, I drove, I gave him space to mingle and socialise as is required...

I smiled and said I'd had a lovely time despite the fact I'd bee ony own for hours and was bored stupid! Because it is boring hanging round at someone else's gig. Especially when it's for a private function amd you don't know anyone and aren't a guest.

But that's not the same as getting dressed up for a night outConfused

Tbh you don't sound like you like him or his lifestyle very much

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:27

FML. All these posters telling you you need therapy because you didn’t accept a pointless little shitty criticism with numb acquiescence Hmm

OP stick with your instincts.

SarahBellam · 28/06/2021 21:28

He wasn’t calling you fat. If anything he was probably trying to say in a clumsy way that you have a cracking figure so why are you covering it up by wearing a big frumpy dress? You’d look more like you’re off down the allotment than going to see a band.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:28

Sorry just saw you were lugging his kit around all night - fair enough that's not much fun.

Maybe just stay home and next time?

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:29

@AtrociousCircumstance

FML. All these posters telling you you need therapy because you didn’t accept a pointless little shitty criticism with numb acquiescence Hmm

OP stick with your instincts.

No posters are telling her she needs therapy because she has self-confessed body image issues and would rather leave a relationship than communicate Confused
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