Page 4 | Was he calling me fat?

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:44

@CoronaBanana

What you said to him first sounds quite controlling. Why on earth would you ask him which shirt he was changing into?

God yeah.
Can you imagine if a man asked a woman that? "What dress are you getting changed into?" Everyone on here would be telling you he's controlling and to ltb.

I think you may be a tad sensitive OP.

Not every comment or question is controlling. He usually asks what I think he should wear. He invites the opinion. I don't expect him to follow it but if he asks, I'll say.

I only asked him because I was just curious as to which one he was wearing. That's all.

Like I say, he often asks me what I think of what he is wearing or what I think he should wear or how something looks. I never do.

OP posts:

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 20:45

It sounds like you are adept at making pre-emptive strikes, OP.

Are you discussing this with him instead of this board, for example? No? Why not? It appears you've already made up your mind.

Are you punishing him for your own inability to accept yourself?

CoronaBanana · 28/06/2021 20:46

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

Oh dear OP, I hope you haven't got the wrong end of the stick all those times.

JustGiveMeGin · 28/06/2021 20:47

It's too late now but rather than spend the evening ruminating about it I would have said 'cheeky bugger what's wrong with my dress '. Give him chance to explain himself and at least you would have got an answer.

66babe · 28/06/2021 20:48

Is this for us all to say " oh you are a size 12 , no way are you fat ? "

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:49

@WhatMattersMost

It sounds like you are adept at making pre-emptive strikes, OP.

Are you discussing this with him instead of this board, for example? No? Why not? It appears you've already made up your mind.

Are you punishing him for your own inability to accept yourself?

No I haven't made my mind up.

I read it as a more flattering dress would make me look slimmer. That's usually what people mean.

Like I say, if I'd asked him what he thought of it and he'd said that, I wouldn't have Ben bothered.

It was more the fact he said it knowing we were going to be out all day and I didn't have an alternative. It just felt like he was trying to undermine my confidence.

OP posts:

MerryDecembermas · 28/06/2021 20:49

I'm confused in the OP where apparently men insult OP, and instead of calling them out OP waits a few days and then dumps them, so they don't know they hurt her feelings.

I'm just so confused right now.

ThePlantsitter · 28/06/2021 20:50

Not flattering could mean doesn't suit your colouring or doesn't show off your boobs properly. It doesn't automatically mean fat. I mean the other things aren't great either but I think he just didn't like that dress. I'm not saying give him a chance if you don't want to (why would I?) I just think you might want to ask yourself why you're so determined it's about your weight.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 28/06/2021 20:50

I think you have an odd attitude to these comments from him and from previous dates

If you never let them know they have said anything to upset you and you just dump them without mentioning why some time later then I can't see how you will ever have a relationship

You are expecting these guys to be psychic and waiting for mr perfect to rock up who never says anything that even slightly offends you. This is very unlikely to actually occur because in the real world people are human and fallible and say things a bit wrong sometimes.

I would suggest you try having a grown up conversation about it and see where you get to. Maybe you find out he does think you are fat in which case you can dump him or maybe you'll find out he just worded something clumsily and he can learn that it upset you and not do it again.

You have to let people in a little bit if you want to get anywhere.

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:51

@66babe

Is this for us all to say " oh you are a size 12 , no way are you fat ? "

No. I'm well aware of what I look like. I would look better if I lost a stone. I'm notbfussed about that. I wanted to know what other people thought he meant.

OP posts:

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 20:51

Model isn't fat. Dress isn't flattering.

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:52

@JustGiveMeGin

It's too late now but rather than spend the evening ruminating about it I would have said 'cheeky bugger what's wrong with my dress '. Give him chance to explain himself and at least you would have got an answer.

I guess I just didn't want to give him the opportunity to say something worse.

OP posts:

MerryDecembermas · 28/06/2021 20:53

@AllRainedOut

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it "
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one "
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

"I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me."

OP if you can't tell someone their comment pissed you off and instead jump straight to ending the relationship.. well no wonder your relationships don't last as long as you want them to. Eventually everyone no matter how compatible is going to say something that accidentally upsets you. Same way you say things that accidentally upset others. Just part of life, it's what you do when it does happen that counts.

ignatiusjreilly · 28/06/2021 20:53

I wouldn't have appreciated that comment either, and would be questioning the relationship.

For what it's worth, I love the dress and think it looks classic and beautiful. You're getting a few rude, unsolicited comments on this thread too!

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:53

@moonbedazzled

Model isn't fat. Dress isn't flattering.

Well if I'd been wearing that..! 🤣

OP posts:

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 20:55

I think he meant he didn't like your dress. End of.
Whether that is worth ending the relationship over is up to you.

Myv dh tells me if stuff looks shit and I tell him.

emsyj37 · 28/06/2021 20:56

As stated earlier, he didn't mean you looked fat, he meant the dress wasn't sexy enough and you weren't making enough effort. He was getting changed and asking you what to wear, possibly he was expecting you to want to do the same. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it is a very different scenario from the 'he's suggesting I'm fat' situation that you have interpreted it as.

Paq · 28/06/2021 20:57

We need you to post a photo of you wearing the dress

He might just prefer a different style or maybe the colour doesn't suit you.

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:57

I use think commenting negatively on someone's appearance when they haven't asked for your opinion is just unnecessary and rude and designed to make you feel bad. Why else would they do it?

I've never asked him what hebthinks of what I'm wearing or how I look. Not once. It's not setting there is a precedent for. He asks me every time we go out what I think or how he looks.

The difference being, I always tell him he looks nice/gorgeous/sexy. He told me it was unflattering without qualifying it in any way.

OP posts:

BuggersMuddle · 28/06/2021 20:58

Unless he has form, I think you’re overreacting. It sounds like you went a little ott on the shirt comment (‘wear what you like - I think that blue shirt’s nice’ or similar would do it) and he thought that was a green light to share.

Bring a bloke, probably didn’t immediately occur to him that this might be your only outfit do commenting would be an issue. My DH has done this and I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that it was not cool (if I have to go out in it, don’t knock my confidence before) BUT we’re a long established couple so can tell the other they’re being a bit of an arse, apologise and crack on.

In a newish relationship I really wouldn’t overthink it. You maybe overdid your comment and he was cack-handed at best. I’d let it be for now and if he does similar, speak up, especially as it does sound like a subject you might be a big sensitive about (no judgement - I can be too )

romdowa · 28/06/2021 20:58

I think this is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. You're clearly conscious about your body and appearance. At 5 foot 4 and a size 12, I'd hardly consider you fat. But you obviously aren't comfortable about your size or in your own skin and until you work on that, then I think you are going to continue to get offended at every little comment.

Original poster

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 20:59

@emsyj37

As stated earlier, he didn't mean you looked fat, he meant the dress wasn't sexy enough and you weren't making enough effort. He was getting changed and asking you what to wear, possibly he was expecting you to want to do the same. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it is a very different scenario from the 'he's suggesting I'm fat' situation that you have interpreted it as.

It wouldn't have been necessary or appropriate for me to change.

I don't ever try to look sexy. He knows that and has known it from the start. I don't have a hugeamount of confidence in the way I look (or any) but I never reveal that to anyone.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 20:59

So just dump him @AllRainedOut, you've clearly decided he meant to upset you and will give it a few days then dump him without explanation

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 21:00

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I think he meant he didn't like your dress. End of. Whether that is worth ending the relationship over is up to you.

Myv dh tells me if stuff looks shit and I tell him.

Next date.

Bingbongbooo · 28/06/2021 21:01

Hmm I don't think he was saying anything about you personally it sounded more geared towards the dress itself. He might have meant it wasn't tight fitting enough for him to be able to admire you? I think what women think look good and what men think women look good in are two different things.

My dh has made jokes about various clothes over the years, calls my beloved floral summer dress my granny dress, my massive full briefs my bridgets. He's just honest about the clothing and how he perceives them, he wouldn't dress me in them but it's not his choice and it doesn't stop me wearing them at all.