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Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 30/06/2021 23:45

Wear whatever you like and if the man doesn’t like it, tough for him. I don’t think his comment suggests he is saying you’re fat in itself, but you have more context. By his asking about shirts it sounds like he is quite image-focussed himself and may have a view about how he would like his woman to look. I wouldn’t have a lot of time for either of those attitudes tbh. I’m not very interested in men’s shirts and I don’t need unsolicited fashion advice from anyone. I should mention, I’m also single.

A male friend recently made a comment to me about how the jeans I was wearing were a lot more flattering than the ones I wore the previous day. My thoughts: ‘what a dick-ish comment, keep it to yourself’. I don’t need therapy about it and I didn’t discuss how it made me feel…because it’s not my problem. Like OP, I’d also rather people didn’t feel a need to comment.

georgarina · 01/07/2021 08:07

The people all piling on and blaming OP, gaslighting and calling her difficult etc are unbelievable - no one should put up with poor treatment or be made to feel that their natural response to something rude/inconsiderate/hurtful (which this situation was) is wrong.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 01/07/2021 22:43

By his asking about shirts it sounds like he is quite image-focussed himself and may have a view about how he would like his woman to look

I think thats probably right. I think he does have a view about it. He's always known that I'm not one for wearing make up or being glamorous and I don't really care about prettying myself up. I obviously like to look nice sometimes but looking nice isn't my primary objective.

I don't know. I keep being told that one day I'll meet someone who likes/loves me for me. And I see it happening all around me. My brother is loud and irascible but his wife still fell in love with him.

I'm aware that I have far far more dating years behind than I have in front and I've not managed it yet.

Even when I've met men who seemed to have potential, the criticisms have started.
I'm just tired of it now. And sad.

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 01/07/2021 22:48

Did your brother ever tell his wife he didn't like her dress?

moonbedazzled · 01/07/2021 22:54

Actually have you ever asked your brother for his take on these comments? Would you trust him to be honest and believe him?

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 01/07/2021 23:18

No, I don't often speak with my brother on account of him being loud and irascible Wink He's great in small doses but tends to dominate situations. I never discuss personal or relationship things with him.

Did your brother ever tell his wife he didn't like her dress?

No. He utterly adores her. He has a short fuse and overreacts on occasion. I know he's fallen out with friends because of it in the past. But he'd never comment negatively on her. He loves her.

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 01/07/2021 23:38

At the risk of inciting your ire, I'm just going to whisper, I don't think not liking your dress is negative about YOU. It's more about the dress.

Do you trust your sister-in-law? Could you ask her advice? It might be that your brother has said stuff but she's not bothered because she knows he loves her.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 01/07/2021 23:49

At the risk of inciting your ire, I'm just going to whisper, I don't think not liking your dress is negative about YOU. It's more about the dress.

If that is the case then fair enough but it didn't feel like that. Especially with the "oh I feel really bad saying this". Why would he feel really bad about not liking a dress?

I'd trust her. I'm just not close enough to her to ask her. We never speak unless we get together as a family and she quite often doesn't come when I see my brother. I probably only see her once a year.

I just can't really admit that another man has been critical of me again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 01/07/2021 23:50

I know my brother wouldn't comment negatively on her appearance. He thinks she's perfect.

OP posts:
parkerpop · 02/07/2021 00:01

It wasn't the nicest comment but i don't think I was about your weight.

I'm 5'5 and a size 8-10 and have been told things aren't very flattering on. It's not because I'm fat, just that it doesn't suit me.

No matter what size/shape someone is; there are always going to be styles that are less flattering than others.

Had you asked his opinion I'd have respected his honest answer and wouldn't have found it rude at all.
However, the fact that he offered this opinion without being asked, makes it a bit rude in general but not weight related.

The fact that he was saying about you "returning the favour" sounds a bit flirty to me. That mixed with the fact it's a pretty full coverage, unfitted dress makes me think he wanted to see more of your body & shape, so perhaps a badly worded attempt at a compliment?

WaltzingBetty · 02/07/2021 06:58

It's nearly a week since your boyfriend made this throwaway comment and you've expended a lot of emotional energy on dissecting it with strangers on the internet.

Have you actually spoken to your boyfriend about it? As no one here can actually tell you what he meant

I'd suggest that if you want relationships to work then you need to invest more constructively in communicating in them than in online navel-gazing

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 07:54

Well I haven't given it much thought this week. I accept he wasn't (necessarily) making a comment about my weight. Although I still think it was a rude and unnecessary comment to make unsolicited and in the circumstances.

If I'd asked for his opinion, I'd have been quite happy with what he'd said. I'd prefer someone to be honest but the timing felt odd.

No, I haven't said anything to him and I won't.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 02/07/2021 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:08

I've responded to posts on here. Doesn't mean I've been consumed by it the rest of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:10

I have given some though to it though. I'm seeing him this evening and I'm going to end it.

I think its far more likely that the suggestions he was 'negging' are closer to the mark because, actually, I looked fine.

OP posts:
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 02/07/2021 09:19

It was obvious from the start you were going to end it OP.

I think you probably look and looked fine too.

I think we aren’t getting all the details because you are relying them through a filter you don’t even know you have.

You’ve had counselling before but it sounds like it was ineffective. Try again. Perhaps google and try a counsellor with Internal Family System training.

Good luck.

Crepescular · 02/07/2021 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

layladomino · 02/07/2021 09:36

I can see you've decided to end it. I think there must be some more bad stuff in the relationship, as this one incident is not something you would end a relationship over. But of course you know about the whole relationship and I think there must be more, in which case you're doing the right thing.

Just one point to pick up on though - a couple of times you've suggested that in happy relationships people don't criticise the other (eg when talking about your DB's) - he thinks she's perfect so he wouldn't criticise. Criticise maybe - but it's not normal to keep all negative thoughts to yourself, and it is normal to have things you don't like about the other sometimes. I consider myself to be a perfect fit for my DH, and vice versa. He says the same. But there are things about each other we don't particularly 'like' (smelly feet, taste in clothes, amount of time spent lying in the bath, forgetfulness - not saying which is which Wink). We don't go on about those things to each other of course, but we are aware of them. Doesn't make us any less well suited or less happy.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:45

I think we aren’t getting all the details because you are relying them through a filter you don’t even know you have.

The exchange was very brief. I gave it in its entirety. I'm very conscious of having 'selective hearing around these matters so do focus on what is actually said. There was no mitigating context or follow up comment that would throw a different light on it.

Has it every occurred to you that...erm...you might not be that much of a catch?

Yes. I'm acutely aware of it.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 02/07/2021 09:48

Ignore that horrible post all
I think psychological treatment could be a good idea about the impact of these comments and your upbringing, but I also think he was rude.
You need to tell him why you are ending it though

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:50

@layladomino

I can see you've decided to end it. I think there must be some more bad stuff in the relationship, as this one incident is not something you would end a relationship over. But of course you know about the whole relationship and I think there must be more, in which case you're doing the right thing.

Just one point to pick up on though - a couple of times you've suggested that in happy relationships people don't criticise the other (eg when talking about your DB's) - he thinks she's perfect so he wouldn't criticise. Criticise maybe - but it's not normal to keep all negative thoughts to yourself, and it is normal to have things you don't like about the other sometimes. I consider myself to be a perfect fit for my DH, and vice versa. He says the same. But there are things about each other we don't particularly 'like' (smelly feet, taste in clothes, amount of time spent lying in the bath, forgetfulness - not saying which is which Wink). We don't go on about those things to each other of course, but we are aware of them. Doesn't make us any less well suited or less happy.

Of course. I know there are things about him that I don't like and there are things about me that he doesn't like. We've talked about those. Some of them are things we can each do something about around the other and have tried to - eg he isn't naturally very affectionate and I am passionate about my job and tend to talk about it a lot. And there are things we can't really change eg what I look like and the fact that he snores.
OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:54

@QuentinBunbury

Ignore that horrible post all I think psychological treatment could be a good idea about the impact of these comments and your upbringing, but I also think he was rude. You need to tell him why you are ending it though
I will tell him why.

I've been having therapy for years to deal with it and it's not made any difference because as soon as someone comments on my appearance it all comes back.

I have very much changed how I see myself but I can't change how others see me. The best I can do is not be bothered by it. More recently, I'm not bother by it for the most part but every now and again something catches me completely off guard and it all comes back and then I have to start from scratch.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 02/07/2021 09:57

If it were one negative comment in a sea of positives, it would be lost asuch as anything but he rarely if ever comments positively on my appearance so I don't really think he is in a strong position to criticise it.

Maybe he just tolerates me for the most part and couldn't on that occasion. As much as anything, we have only really socialised with his and my friends due to restrictions and they get to meet you as a whole person. I think it's the perceived judgement from strangers that he could do better that bothers him.

OP posts:
parkerpop · 02/07/2021 11:02

It seems a bit extreme to me to end it over this but only you can decide that.

I think what PPs were wondering is if there was more background/context to the relationship, not just background/context to this particular situation?

You've assumed he was ashamed for his friends to meet you because of your appearance but that seems to come from your own thoughts and insecurities. Appreciate he may not be great with compliments but many men are like that and it's not necessarily a reflection on you Flowers

billy1966 · 02/07/2021 11:02

OP,

I trust your judgement here and so should you.

Some horrible posts on here, unnecessarily rude.

I think he was rude, and I wouldn't be one but impressed if a guy I was dating, who rarely complimented me felt compelled to tell me something was unflattering when I hadn't asked.

If I didn't say something at that moment, I sure as shit would bring it up the next time we met and it would be made very very clear that it was a deal breaker.

If you are happy to break up with him as a final nail thing, you do it.

You don't owe him anything and if I got a hint that it was negging he would be complete dust.

If you think there was negging you are 100% right to dump.
I wouldn't tolerate it for a minute from a partner under ANY circumstances.

I think you sound like a really nice, measured woman.
Flowers