Was he calling me fat?

[AllRainedOut]

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it "
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one "
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

psychomath

That's exactly how I feel.

The only difference is that when I did similar to you in my late 30s, I found the criticisms increased.

To give an example, I used to do a hobby and a few of us would go to the pub for a drink afterwards. One one occasion, two older men (60s) joined us. I'd just lost weight. I felt confident and attractive. I went to the bar and, when I returned, they were laughing - the men and my friends. It went quiet and I asked them what I'd missed. They wouldn't say and it became a bit uncomfortable. One of my friends, who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation and hadn't been laughing, came over to me later and told me that one of the older men had made a really derogatory comment about my figure. Really unpleasant. And my friends had just laughed. It was a comment along the lines of the things mother had said and it just wiped out any confidence I'd developed.

On another occasion, I was dancing at a gig at my local pub. I knew a lot of the regulars, had friends there and felt safe. I was dancing on the small dance floor on my own. Just not giving a shit. When I left and went to the bar, some men I'd never seen before spoke to me and made almost the exact same derogatory comment about my figure.

And I've not been able to regain my confidence since and my biggest fear is that that is when he made the comment about the dress being unflattering, he was thinking the same thing. And that by 'less flattering' he meant it didn't hide me well enough.

Those are just two examples. There are by no means the only examples.

I find it really difficult to find dresses I like that suit me. I have reasonable sized boobs, a relatively small waist and hips/a bum. If dresses fit me on the chest, they are huge on the waist and I look dreadful.

The dress i was wearing is one of the few I've bought recently that actually suits my figure. If I look awful in that too, I'm actually pretty fucked.

I bought two dresses last year and that was one of them. I bought one the year before because I find it so hard.

Honestly, Op, you sound exhausting as a romantic partner. Because you base so much of your self worth and self esteem on inane/throw away comments by others. It's gotten to a point where a romantic partner can't have a differing opinion on your outfit without you thinking he's being malicious.

I am very sorry your DM destroyed your self confidence. That sounds horrible. But you are now an adult and have the power to make your own decisions on whether you're attractive or not - and not be so affected by what anyone else says. It is not reasonable to accept that in a LT relationship your partner will like every outfit you wear!! If you get so defensive and allow it to affect your self worth, it is deeply unhealthy. Just because one specific outfit isn't flattering on you, why on Earth would you think it means you're fat?? This is a self esteem issue that only you can fix.

I don't think anyone's opinions on MN will help you deal with this very complex issue you face of how you view yourself. There are plenty of women out there who don't fit societal standards of beauty who are happy with themselves and don't seem to encounter the number of men you do who are critical. I really doubt you are the ugliest woman who ever lived, so either (a) you take every comment made by a man that is slightly negative out of context (as you've done here) or you only attract arseholes (which needs some investigating by you).

Have you considered counselling? This is no way to live and relationships won't get any easier for you. As pp said, expecting a man to read your mind and never say anything critical is daft. If you can't communicate and have honest conversations with your partner, there is no hope. This comment should not have led to a whole thread where you think so negatively about him and yourself. A healthy relationship is one where you don't jump to worst possible conclusion and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Until there's concrete evidence to not.

How do you cope with criticism at work? Do you similarly take one critique about a particular facet of your work to mean you're a failure at the whole thing? Or is this only restricted to comments on your appearance. If so, your appearance seems to feature far too heavily in how you judge men or they judge you, and I think you need counselling to figure out why that is.

Also from your previous posts, why on Earth would you care what men you hardly know have to say about your figure?? You need to have healthy self esteem where you can ignore and not be affected by what randoms think of you. Until you get to this point, you will never be comfortable with yourself or your relationships.

@AllRainedOut I can empathise somewhat OP. I would suggest trying to get angry. If someone makes a comment like that it doesn't reflect on you, it just shows they're an utter shithead and don't belong in your life or company.

This current bloke I'd give the benefit of the doubt but if anything along the same lines but worse happens again, bin him.

I had EMDR therapy which is the best for trauma and it's effects- I mainly had it for bullying and rejection etc, remembering people's comments. It's the most evidence-based therapy for trauma; I highly recommend it. xx

It does reflect on me if my mother, friends, boyfriends as well as strangers all see me in the same way. That is me.

I think, ultimately, it doesn't matter what he meant. The first time he's commented on my appearance in months and it was to criticise me. I don't need that.

It does reflect on me if my mother, friends, boyfriends as well as strangers all see me in the same way. That is me.

No it doesn't. It does so because you are still letting it & not addressing comments head on, which is empowering,

Most if not all of us have had shit people in their lives, I've had many, including at times my DPs & definitely my DB

If some random bloke took the pee out of anything about me in a pub, I wouldn't be crying & hurt, I'd be ripping him a new arsehole & thinking wtf do you think your opinion matters when you are such a dickhead & pointing out his own flaws to see how he likes it.

Stop being a victim of your past. Own it, face it & move on to a better life & stop over analysing everything as negative, that way lies madness & unhappiness

I dunno why people pile on here, eager to tell you that someone else behaving like a shit is actually your fault. You might think you’re being empowering but actually you’re just shifting the blame to the victim. This is relationships, not AIBU.

OP, tbh I actually don’t think he thought you looked fat. Hard to say without actually seeing a photo of you in it, but you describing your measurements & the photo of the dress, plus the fact someone asked if you’d lost weight the last time you wore it… I just don’t think it’s possible. I think he doesn’t like the dress (whatever, no one asked him) & wanted to make you feel like shit so you didn’t wear it again. And all this right after you paid him a compliment. Fuck him.

@AllRainedOut

It's this one...

This is not a very flattering dress. Sorry. He should not have made that comment, especially that you had nothing else to wear but you are going a bit far with assuming he meant anything about your weight.

@Cheeeesecake

Way to go to completely misunderstand & twist my post 🙄

Are you always so hard of thinking

Sticking up for yourself against genuine arseholes is indeed very empowering & is not victim blaming, but I guess you have the victim blaming tee shirt 🙄

If my ex ever said he didn't like me wearing a certain item out of my wardrobe, I told him that when I planned to wear it I would let him know, so he didn't have to bother seeing me on that day if he didn't like it!

@SingingInTheShithouse 😂 u ok hun?

OP when I was dating in my 20s I was very attractive, nicce hourglass figure, slim and conveniently beautiful. I had lots of interest from men yet big proposition of them still insisted on finding "faults" in my looks and making comments. It was anything from not being tanned enough to not having big enough bum. (My skin tanns easily in summer and my bottom is round and nice sizes so go figure). Some men always feel like they can comment negatively on women's appearance.

Sorry OP but this all sounds exhausting. Over one comment. Have you spoken to him about what he meant?
If not then not sure what you can gain

I think there is nothing wrong with the dress or you at all. I have to say though, and going off at a tangent, my fave look at the moment is a simple black outfit with gold jewellery - layered necklaces, rings, bracelets etc! So if you did want to take your style up a notch then you could experiment that way? But only for you, not for him.

The only explanation is that you are attracting the wrong mate. Somehow, you're managing to go out with men that are occupied with appearances as well as blunt and rude. Personally, I wouldn't tell them about what previous partners have criticised you for...it seems to open the door and this happens...especially if their emotional intelligence is low. I can't understand why he thinks that would be a helpful thing to say.

You are just you. And it's not as if you're pretending or aspiring to be anyone else. If you're healthy and happy then they can all just fuck off. I think you sound soooo nice and reasonable and don't deserve any of the shit you've had to take.

Do you usually wear something else as in jeans or flowery dresses. There is something weird about maxi style dresses. I don't think they suit many people, they can look oversized on petite people.

Anyway my motto is it's my fat making me look fat. I don't care enough to do much about the fat at the moment, so I don't worry. My DH sometimes makes a comment and I have chuckle to myself as he's not exactly slim, but I say nothing and do nothing.

I think if you want to have a successful relationship you might want to listen to criticism occasionally. I’m not saying you should take being called a fat cunt. But if my husband says to me that doesn’t look good on you - I generally take it as he’s just trying to stop me from going out looking like a twat. It’s just a perspective.

Likewise I’ll tell my husband if his tshirt is too tight/clingy (my hubby is of chunky build and it doesn’t look good if it clings to his fat bits 😂)

And nowhere in what your partner said to you do I think he indicated he thought you were fat.

To give an example, I used to do a hobby and a few of us would go to the pub for a drink afterwards. One one occasion, two older men (60s) joined us. I'd just lost weight. I felt confident and attractive. I went to the bar and, when I returned, they were laughing - the men and my friends.

I wonder what the comment was though? The fact your friends were laughing too? Surely any normal friends would've told the men to fuck off if they'd said something nasty?

I wonder if it is a case of you getting the wrong end of the stick because of your mother? You've had an awful lot of people comment negatively on your looks when you say yourself you look good and are confident. I don't get it.

You are a size 12. Why on earth would anyone say you are fat? Why would you assume it was a weight related comment unless you think a size 12 is fat? You say it's rare that anyone has ever actually said You're fat to you. That's because size 12 is perfectly normal for your height.

He probably doesn't think the dress does a lot for you. It's nothing to do with size.

I wonder what the comment was though? The fact your friends were laughing too? Surely any normal friends would've told the men to fuck off if they'd said something nasty?

I know what the comment was. It was obviously nasty and similar to things mother used to say no one would ever love/want me because of.

They didn't tell them to fuck off. They all laughed except for this one.

And if he'd said he didn't like the dress that would have been different.

Realistically, when he said he fetl really bad saying it, I should have told him to keep it to himself then. But then I would only have wondered what it was anyway.

Reading on some of your posts OP, I wonder if you've been the victim of negging by some of these men. And the cheek of those 60 odd year old men saying things like that. As if they were desirable to someone of your age.

And your friends are disgusting for laughing. I would told them stupid old pigs to fuck off and not speak about my friend like that. Do you think you surround yourself with people who genuinely treat you good? Please answer honestly.

Honestly OP I'd try not to overthink it. All it boils down to is Man thinks his girlfriend looks better in some clothes than others (and let's face it, who doesn't?) and rather foolishly chose to tell her. If it becomes a pattern of negative comments from him that's different, but on this occasion if he's otherwise a decent guy, I'd let it go.

He's a man he probably doesn't know what fashionable etc for a woman. I know my dh does sometimes say I I don't like that dress etc. I'll say well I love it. I'm slim so I know he just doesn't like it. If I wasn't slim I wld probably take it the wrong way too.