Was he calling me fat?

[AllRainedOut]

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it "
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one "
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

Figure

I'm also puzzled by those presuming that dress will look worse on the OP because she isn't tall.

Interesting how we vary, but I'm the same height & size & the OP & could carry off that dress just fine & often wear similar, if not a bit more fitted dresses. I think most 5'4" size 12s could carry that dress off just fine, especially if they are long in the leg

@CoronaBanana

AGAIN, what has it got to do with her partner what she wears? Hell will freeze over before anyone tells ME what I should and should not be wearing. WTF is wrong with some women on here? Where's your self respect and dignity? Why are you OK with being told what to do, and 'what's best for you' by a MAN?

I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s...

Again, OP started it by telling HIM what shirt to wear.......

Again. And very slowly because you either don't understand or are being deliberately obtuse...

He asks.

He asks me for my opinion.

He asks me what i would like him to wear.

He likes me to show an interest so that is what I did.

I didn't tell him what to wear.

Some people think he was rude and it's a sign he's a dick.

Some people think he was rude, it's a sign he's a dick but he wasn't calling you fat.

Some people think he wasn't rude and that it doesn't mean he's a dick.

You've had lots of varying opinions but you seem very set on him meaning you are fat / looked fat despite a fair number of people saying that they wouldn't assume he automatically meant that based on him saying it was unflattering. I'm not sure you're open to people saying anything different?

I don't say that in an accusatory or snarky way, I just think it's worth you exploring the fact you felt you wanted other peoples opinions but are very resistant to the possibility of those that you don't agree with.

The way you describe yourself in that last post is massively at odd with your OP, which puzzles me. Why be secure in your body & then be so paranoid he was calling you fat when he wasn't

I am fairly secure in my appearance. I'm never going to be the most attractive woman in the room but, unless I was in a supermodels' dressing room, I'm probably not going to he the least. I think I'm pretty averagely attractive and don't stand out either way as being either particularly attractive or unattractive.

The issue is that men have commented negatively on my appearance so I'm always hyper alert to what they say and mean by it.

I feel confident and attractive when I'm single. When I'm involved with a man on any level, I'm not. I start off being so but then the comments start and I just realise it's happening all over again.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Some people think he was rude and it's a sign he's a dick.

Some people think he was rude, it's a sign he's a dick but he wasn't calling you fat.

Some people think he wasn't rude and that it doesn't mean he's a dick.

You've had lots of varying opinions but you seem very set on him meaning you are fat / looked fat despite a fair number of people saying that they wouldn't assume he automatically meant that based on him saying it was unflattering. I'm not sure you're open to people saying anything different?

I don't say that in an accusatory or snarky way, I just think it's worth you exploring the fact you felt you wanted other peoples opinions but are very resistant to the possibility of those that you don't agree with.

I only asked if it sounded like he meant that in my first post. Beyond that, I've just clarified why I thought that and the facts of the day.

I haven't rejected any opinions and I've read them all.

I can't believe I've been to work for 9 hrs and this conversation is still going on ... 🤔

It's like groundhog day and fairly obsessive to overthink to this level.

Literally no one can tell you what he meant and you refuse to communicate with him
Ergo you'll never know.
Accept it.

I see nothing whatsoever in what he said that suggests he thinks you are fat, or looked fat in the dress.
The dress is plain and conservative and looks as though it hangs rather than clings, from the picture anyway, therefore not really showing off your figure. Often when men say flattering they really mean showing off your body a bit more.
Up to you whether you think this is acceptable or not, but I really wouldn't see it as a weight issue.

Thanks. OK, I'll accept that he wasn't saying I was fat. Thanks.

WTF is wrong with some women on here? Where's your self respect and dignity? Why are you OK with being told what to do, and 'what's best for you' by a MAN?

Umm, because I sometimes value the opinions of other people, of both sexes?

I don't think he necessarily meant you were fat, but I definitely think he was rude.

You didn't ask for his opinion.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your opinion to yourself."

This is what I was told being reared.
It is something I agree with.

I find "plain speaking, direct, blunt, pass remarkable people" generally a cover for rude people.

OP did not ask nor want his opinion on her dress, yet he felt compelled to tell her she didn't look great as they set out for an evening.

Rude. Unwarranted.

I agree billy

I don't know if it was a comment about your weight or whether he genuinely thought the dress was unflattering, but I'd guess he wants you to feel undermined and insecure. If it keeps happening, I wonder if your confidence is threatening to a certain type of man that you are dating.

My husband would hate that dress on me, it's a practical but dull dress, I'd probably wear it to pick the kids up from school, not go on a date.

I think good on you for knowing your attractiveness but the problem seems clear… why aren’t you talking to him about this?

He was tactless but sounds like a decent man and if you care about your relationship flipping tell him you didn’t like it. You don’t have to go into why he said it and risk hearing stuff that reminds you of your childhood. Just say ‘when you said that it hurt my feelings & I need you to be more thoughtful/kinder in future’.

Oh and the dress is the problem…. Not you.

His comment was rude and unnecessary. It was also really unhelpful, being as you were in no position to get changed.

I would have been upset too.

I have that dress in various colours

My thoughts are that it covers a lot of you. No legs no cleavage

That's probably what he means. He wants to see more of you

Fuck him

I don’t know why you’ve had to repeat yourself so many times. He asked for your opinion, you didn’t ask for his. He had a change of clothes, you didn’t. It was crappy behaviour from him and, like a PP has said, does sound a bit like negging.

It’s a nice dress, OP. I bet you looked nice.

I won't feel the need to try and dress in a more 'flattering' way because all it has done is reinforce the idea that I'm unattractive and so what's the point?

It's one thing being criticised when I haven't made an effort but it would be quite another to be criticised when i had. So I don't.

OP, you sound a lot like me when I was younger. For some reason I was convinced I was extremely unattractive (even though looking back I can see I looked perfectly normal) and that by making any attempt to dress up I would just be embarrassing myself. I felt like people would be laughing behind my back at how tragic it was that someone so ugly would bother even trying with makeup or flattering clothes, as if I could ever look sexy in anything. So I wore frumpy clothes and no makeup and did nothing with my hair because it felt like the safest option, and then no-one ever complimented my appearance because of course I didn't look great, and that made things worse because I became even more convinced I was unattractive.

It was only when I started wearing better things - and I'm still not fashionable, nor do I particularly want to be, but I do at least wear tops that aren't brown and baggy - that people started being nice about how I looked. At first I still thought they were just being polite, but eventually I accepted that I really did look good when I made an effort. So maybe you have to take the leap first, and just see how people respond? Not necessarily with this guy, or on any date, but dress up a little around colleagues and friends and just see how they react.

FWIW I do think his comment was a bit off, but more tactless than outright insulting. He presumably didn't realise it would upset you to this extent, and maybe he was originally intending to steer the conversation towards telling you which of your clothes he does prefer, but dropped it when you replied defensively. I would just ask later what he thinks does look better on you, and you can use your own judgement as to whether you agree.

I start off being so but then the comments start and I just realise it's happening all over again

OP, has this thread at least made you realise that you do overthink things? Those comments you talk about in the past, given that you won’t raise any upset with anyone, may well have been misinterpreted? I think you’re on a hiding to nothing relationship wise with your current mindset. As others have said, relationships are not perfect, humans can be clumsy with words, many men are logical thinkers and don’t realise the impact their words can have because they don’t mean to upset. I personally prefer the direct approach, can’t stand the dancing around stuff, if you have something to say, just say it.

Opinions are like arseholes as they say, some are more vocal than others, that’s life. Until you accept that and communicate to people when they upset you, I can’t see that you’re going to have a successful relationship.

@AndeanMountainCat

His comment was rude and unnecessary. It was also really unhelpful, being as you were in no position to get changed.

I would have been upset too.

This is a good point. He could have saved it!

@CaMePlaitPas

My husband would hate that dress on me, it's a practical but dull dress, I'd probably wear it to pick the kids up from school, not go on a date.

.

So you wouldn't wear a certain dress.....

because your HUSBAND doesn't like it???

Here's a time machine....... BACK to the 1950s you go!