I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

OP,

Your last update has made me worried for you. Please DO NOT rush in to marriage and a shared home with this man.

You only left an abusive DH 12 months ago - have you done the Freedom Programme? I think you really need to work on your boundaries. You seem to be jumping from one marriage to another without even considering your DD. Is this how you want to model relationships to her?

I would not offer any opinion to you on what you should do with the pregnancy, just that at 5 weeks it will be easier than at 12 weeks.

But, no matter what you decide on the pregnancy, please SLOW down with this man. And try to get counselling.

I think his answer is pretty unrealistic and dodgy too.

You only left the marital home four months ago, are barely out of your abusive marriage, and he wants to sweep you off your feet. Moving too fast too soon is a huge red flag. Just because you're pregnant early in the relationship you don't have to hurtle on down the superhighway.

You can still go at a sensible pace with the rest of the relationship.

@Mayaspecialist

People keep talking about ops daughter with 'she will be fine' or 'it's a normal life event' etc seem to be forgetting.

Up until 4 months ago this 9 year old lived in a house with an abuser. Even if she adored her dad and didn't know what was happening she still would have been aware.

She has now, moved home and her family has a very new routine and she is still adjusting to not seeing parents in the same house. This happened 16 weeks ago.

You can't compare it to a situation where the OP would have been single for ages and got pregnant to a new man. Or where the divorce was far behind them.

Neither op or her child have got through and dealt with the separation never mind divorce. No one is saying people with kids can never have more kids without damaging their kids, but this is a very complex situation where op getting pregnant quickly is the only worry.

And now this new man, who wants to upend her life again. Within the next 9 months. Also happens to be the sort of man that doesn't mind risking pregnancy with someone he has been dating a few weeks.

There's huge red flags here and while it could work out as a story of happily ever after. The new man, who is an unknown, has these huge red flags and op could end up with a miserable dd and tied two men via kids, that she really doesn't want to be tied to. At the minimum he has failed to recognise what a huge impact this will be on ops dd, in his plan.

I do agree that it's very poor timing, but it's not intentional and the pregnancy is here now.

OP clearly wants this baby and if she were to terminate the pregnancy it sounds like she would be devastated. Probably a lot more so than her daughter will be to gain a sibling, regardless of the status of any relationship with the new partner.

Personally I'd use the next few months to continue seeing the new partner - NOT get married or move in together yet - and introduce him to DD. And also meet his DD. Don't reveal the pregnancy until a bit further down the line when DD at least knows and gets on with the new bf.

Regardless of how it goes with the new fella, this is a much-wanted baby and also seemingly a desired sibling for DD which she may never get another opportunity to have. Even if it doesn't work out with the new man, DD will have a brother/sister for life.

@Walker111

Thank you for all of the replies. Gosh- that’s really mixed!

So, I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born.

My head is spinning.

To answer a few questions- he’s 38 too, he has an 11 year old daughter who he coparents really well. He genuinely is a good guy and I know they either with or without him as my partner, he will be supportive in bringing a baby up.

I also have a great family. Yes I’m embarrassed about my situation but they wouldn’t judge. I always have their support.

My daughter has asked for a sibling, she has for years.

On to the negative. I’m still worried how this might affect her mental health. As people have suggested- separated parents, moving homes, then I bring a new boyfriend in…then a new baby.

Every time I think of my DD I feel like crying as I can’t bear the thought of making her feel like her life has changed too much.

And I’m really scared of my ex- he was mentally abusive and controlling throughout our marriage. I walked on eggshells round him and I don’t seem to have been able to shake that feeling.

I’m going to book a consultation with BPAS whilst I think about things- that way I won’t be waiting if I decide to have the termination.

I hope you said no to him regarding moving in and marriage. That is far too fast and far too much upheaval for your child. Divorce is hard on children. When you separate you need to put your child first. Moving in and marrying this man in less than 9 months would not be doing that.

I am not saying op needs to terminate or shoild doing anything.

Its mainly the fact that people keeping comparing the situation, to other ones that are completely different and don't have the extra complications.

The op needs to make a decision and I wouldn't tell her which to take. I just think far too many people are encouraging her to take a massive gamble based on completely different situations.

And honestly, this new man wouldn't be meeting my dd for a good long while. With or without the pregnancy.

Even if it doesn't work out with the new man, DD will have a brother/sister for life.

Which may not be something the dd is happy about. Not all siblings get on or are happy to have eachother.

I just think that, working on the assumption 'it will all be great' is hugely risky.

Yes, the danger is allowing the pregnancy to fast-forward everything in the relationship, and ending up in another abusive situation.

People who have come out of abusive relationships are like catnip to other abusers and it's really common to end up in a pattern. He may be a lovely guy, but there's no way anyone can know that yet.

@Bibidy -

I do agree that it's very poor timing, but it's not intentional and the pregnancy is here now.

Off course it was intentional, no contraception, or condom was used.

@Mayaspecialist

People keep talking about ops daughter with 'she will be fine' or 'it's a normal life event' etc seem to be forgetting.

Up until 4 months ago this 9 year old lived in a house with an abuser. Even if she adored her dad and didn't know what was happening she still would have been aware.

She has now, moved home and her family has a very new routine and she is still adjusting to not seeing parents in the same house. This happened 16 weeks ago.

You can't compare it to a situation where the OP would have been single for ages and got pregnant to a new man. Or where the divorce was far behind them.

Neither op or her child have got through and dealt with the separation never mind divorce. No one is saying people with kids can never have more kids without damaging their kids, but this is a very complex situation where op getting pregnant quickly is the only worry.

And now this new man, who wants to upend her life again. Within the next 9 months. Also happens to be the sort of man that doesn't mind risking pregnancy with someone he has been dating a few weeks.

There's huge red flags here and while it could work out as a story of happily ever after. The new man, who is an unknown, has these huge red flags and op could end up with a miserable dd and tied two men via kids, that she really doesn't want to be tied to. At the minimum he has failed to recognise what a huge impact this will be on ops dd, in his plan.

👏👏👏

@Mayaspecialist

Even if it doesn't work out with the new man, DD will have a brother/sister for life.

Which may not be something the dd is happy about. Not all siblings get on or are happy to have eachother.

I just think that, working on the assumption 'it will all be great' is hugely risky.

Yeah of course not all siblings get on but as a whole children generally accept their siblings and DD has already expressed that she wants one multiple times.

So I'm just saying I would focus on the actual pregnancy and whether the child is wanted before anything else - OP clearly wants this child and I think it's the management of the dad (and his daughter) into the situation and DD's life that is the trickiest thing to navigate.

Thanks again for all of the replies.

To answer a few questions. I’m quite certain of the day I conceived. And two weeks later I had a positive test 🤷‍♀️ A digital one even so it can happen.

My divorce is already going through and I have a ‘divorce consent order being done’ which protects the new home I’m buying even more than a divorce will

In terms of my abusive marriage, DD’s father was abusive to me, in a very underhand way. She never saw anything and he has always been great with her…so I wouldn’t be piling more trauma on top of a divorce. I’m not saying she hasn’t been affected…but she’s currently a pretty happy little girl.

Still…I hear what you are all saying about rushing into things. And I’m still worried that although my daughter seems to have come through the divorce as well as possible, a new man in my life and a new baby is something I need to consider.

OP can you see that his suggested response (re marriage and house before baby arrives) is worrying and unhealthy?

You seemed to think it was a positive response but it's really troubling and I wonder whether your radar for abusive behaviour is off at the moment because of your previous abusive relationship?

That's great that he gave such a positive response... However, in your position I would be slowing that side of things right down as you really don't know him well enough to be stitching yourself into another commitment so soon.
Great he's keen, that keeps your options as open as they can be. But park the house and marriage, focus on your dd, the possibility of a new baby and your own healing and view everything through the prism of least damage to that collective with dd as top priority.
Once you've identified the main goal that will help keep the spinning to a minimum, you absolutely need a cool head for this.
Don't jump without looking.

You have a long time to slowly introduce her to the concept of dating the BF then the baby. It’s not ideal but it might be her only chance at a sibling. I would also echo what others have said about the new man coming on strong. He may not be as great as he seems and only time will tell if the mask slips.

You need some therapy sharpish if you can't shake the control your ex had over you. It's not fair on your dd or your boyfriend.

I guess I'll be the sole voice in opining that his response seems positive to me. I hope you'll be very happy together however you decide to play it. I would potentially be under the radar for the first trimester, baby steps, then if all well around 20 weeks, let family, friends and DD know then after the second scan. That also gives you some time to get used to the idea yourself and see how things are going with potential bf/dh in the future/stepfather-to-be.
I am a child of divorce - I was introduced to my half-brother/stepmother/dog very quickly in one fell swoop. Kids are more resilient than you think. I am not sure 'waiting for the right time' is as easy as all that - same as for baby planning, when is the right time?
Also OP, having conceived myself without condom, I am not judging on that - been there, done that, got the baby. As I said before, wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide.

Kids are more resilient than you think.

Hmm, but I think people should try to do better for their kids than just to expect them to be resilient.

I am not sure 'waiting for the right time' is as easy as all that - same as for baby planning, when is the right time?

Nobody is saying it's easy, but the 'right time' for a baby is highly unlikely to be with a brand new partner of only a few months, within a year of leaving an abusive partner... with an existing DD to consider.

Especially a partner whose response to the news is that he thinks they should buy a home together and get married before the baby arrives. What does that say about his maturity levels, how sensible he is and how much he's factoring in OP's DD who has already had a tough time recently?

He does not sound like a sensible, well adjusted thoughtful man as one of those wouldn't suggest all that as a kneejerk response.

The horse has bolted. Prioritise yourself and your new life. Your STBEXH may well start his own family. Don't live in fear. Grey rock your ex and get everything through legal. Your DD will be fine. Don't rush another marriage. You are in control and don't cave to any pressures. Whatever you decide will not be ideal but life isn't. You only regret what you feel obliged or pressured to do.

You sound very sensible, caring and like a great mother OP.

My only advice is stop thinking about what others will think of you. This includes friends, family, and even your daughter. Your daughter will be happy if you are happy.

Definitely completely ignore your ex and his opinion. Who cares what he thinks? Nothing to do with him.

The good news is you have found out really quickly. You can have an abortion up to 24 weeks, which gives you some time to think about the options.

Good luck!

[quote LollyPops111]@hullaballoo19 - Erm no I’m not, the nurse at the hospital told me I have to wait at least three weeks from conception for a positive test and even then it can take longer to show. OP said he didn’t use a condom 2 weeks ago.[/quote]
@LollyPops111 erm yes you are. I'm 9 weeks pregnant right now and got my first positive at 9 days past ovulation. And as @cindarellasbelly said, Mumsnet conception threads will show you many many women getting positive tests before 2 weeks past ovulation. And it's really unhelpful to basically come on this thread to question the op (as though she could be lying) when she needs support.

I’d keep it, kids adapt well to changing situations, it may also give your daughter something to focus on and look forward to. It seems like it’s the unknown that is worrying you.

You want this baby. The father wants this baby. Your daughter wants this baby (or at least the idea of it…you have plenty of time to introduce the reality)

Even if things don’t work out with the father (and I agree you should apply the brakes there) you sound financially stable

It seems your biggest obstacle is your ex. How much more are you prepared to let him dictate your life ?

@hullaballoo19 - I asked because this is what I was told at the hospital by a nurse, 2 weeks post conception with a blood test can detect HCG levels but she told me a pregnancy test would not give an accurate reading any earlier than 3 weeks because of conception and the time it takes for implantation. So the nurse was lying? Anyway I’m not here to debate it, I was just shocked to see she had a positive two weeks after sex, after being told what I do.