I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

did not do.

Also, if your ex is nasty and controlling he could make things difficult whether you have the baby or not.

Your daughter could have difficulty processing the divorce and need mental health support whether or she has a new sibling, or she could be fine either way.

You will never know for sure. All you know for sure is whether you want this pregnancy to continue or not. If you do, then you have foreseen some of the difficulties and can act to head them off and stay connected with accepting your daughter's feelings or (where your ex is concerned) accept that he isn't going to like it, but may have reacted the same 2 or 5 years down the road and you ought not to let him control your new life.

@LollyPops111 sorry but that's not true. I found out on day 28 of my cycle and as I was ttc knew it was 2 weeks prior to taking the test when I ovulate and conceived.

Op if u were you I would introduce dd to new partner. Have a few fun days out. Hopefully it'll be nice and she will like him. Then after 12 week scan tell her about the baby then xh?

For LollyPops111
www.nhsinform.scot/ready-steady-baby/pregnancy/your-baby-s-development/first-signs-of-pregnancy

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I am not sure 'waiting for the right time' is as easy as all that - same as for baby planning, when is the right time?

Nobody is saying it's easy, but the 'right time' for a baby is highly unlikely to be with a brand new partner of only a few months, within a year of leaving an abusive partner... with an existing DD to consider.

Especially a partner whose response to the news is that he thinks they should buy a home together and get married before the baby arrives. What does that say about his maturity levels, how sensible he is and how much he's factoring in OP's DD who has already had a tough time recently?

He does not sound like a sensible, well adjusted thoughtful man as one of those wouldn't suggest all that as a kneejerk response.

Basically a near stranger.

the father of the child is also wealthy and I’ve no doubt he’d support the child.

That's a massive assumption particularly given you have been dating for a few months. It seems unlikely - but you can only tell him and see what he says.

@BlackSwan

the father of the child is also wealthy and I’ve no doubt he’d support the child.

That's a massive assumption particularly given you have been dating for a few months. It seems unlikely - but you can only tell him and see what he says.

Well, a) she's already told him and he's said he would, and b) he has a legal obligation to do so, so it's not just an unlikely assumption.

Anyway, OP, I think you should have the baby. You want it, and in the longer run your DD is likely to benefit from a sibling.

However, don't rush full-on into a live-in relationship with the baby's father, it's too soon. Continue to get to know each other and see how it goes. Buying a house together, marriage, etc can all wait. Make sure you can make you, DD and the baby a unit that works well so you have that stable basis to work from. Much less pressure then on your relationship with the man.

I think termination is an option but you need to move fast.

Some folks are forgetting that OP DD could choose to stay with her dad after finding out her mum has a new bloke and a baby on the way. She may not adjust to the news well and OP needs to think about all possibilities including the new man not being as nice as she thinks.

Why do you think your daughter will struggle with the thought of having a sibling? It maybe the best thing that's ever happened to her. I don't think that she will worry too much about it's DNA.

[quote LollyPops111]@hullaballoo19 - I asked because this is what I was told at the hospital by a nurse, 2 weeks post conception with a blood test can detect HCG levels but she told me a pregnancy test would not give an accurate reading any earlier than 3 weeks because of conception and the time it takes for implantation. So the nurse was lying? Anyway I’m not here to debate it, I was just shocked to see she had a positive two weeks after sex, after being told what I do.[/quote]
@LollyPops111 a couple of things to mention. Firstly, conception can happen almost straight after sex. Conception refers to the joining of sperm and egg, not when you are actually technically pregnant, which is after implantation. Implantation can happen as soon as 6 days after conception (and as late as 12) and hcg begins rising as soon as implantation occurs. So if someone implants early in that window then they definitely can get a positive home pregnancy test by 2 weeks after ovulation. I'm sure the nurse was just giving you info that covered the fact that it can take longer. (So sorry for the comments unrelated to the issue you've asked for advice on op!)

I would terminate but it's an individual choice

I don't think I could do it for many reasons:

Just broken free from the ex
Need to help daughter adjust to new life/changes
Going back to baby stage after 9 years
Just met this bloke and barely know him
Will have to deal with 2 dad arrangements if it doesn't work out

Just my personal opinion

Morning Op,

Yes your head must be spinning - you are in an incredibly complex emotional situation having been through an abusive relationship just coming out the other side.

You definitely need some counselling to help unravel your thoughts BUT l do think you need to write down every possible outcome on a piece of paper from your DD loving a new sibling to her rejecting you and going to live with her Dad. Both are possible.

I was in a situation similar to you 27 years ago as l got pregnant very quickly in a new relationship. However l was single with no other child.

Like you, we had taken a risk with contraception and like you my STBXH love bombed me with assurances of making it work and really wanting the child.

He really wanted us to move in straight away, l resisted for a bit which he struggled with but eventually we got a flat together when l was 7 months pregnant.

Within a month he was telling me he didn’t want to come home from work to find any unexpected visitors ( ie a friend who may have popped round for a cuppa) I was devastated and felt utterly trapped.

More red flags followed over the coming months. My DS1 was born and we both put everything we could into being parents. But it was very hard as we didn’t know each other and all those early rows about housework etc happened while DS1 was very small. I think this really affected him.

We settled down and had another child a few years later. The years passed. It seemed an ok marriage. On reflection l had numbed myself.
It has now emerged during the early years he had a number of ‘incidents’ with other women. We are now separated.

On reflection, his response to my pregnancy (very similar to your partners) should have shown me how immature he was.

How l wish l had insisted on living separately while l got to know him properly. The thing is he would have absolutely hated this and would have constantly pushed at the boundaries and made my life a misery.

The only advice l can offer is that if you want to go ahead with your pregnancy, sit your new partner down and state some really clear boundaries involving taking things very slowly.

How he responds to this conversation will tell you everything you need to know. If he can respect your opinion and not keep pushing he could be a decent guy.

However if he tries to convince you to take his path and doesn’t put you and your wishes at the centre then this is a

MASSIVE RED FLAG

and you will know that he will be a controlling and difficult person to have in your life.

You have to make your decision with your eyes well and truly open.

@hullaballoo19 - You’re the one who keeps responding 😂 So you are making it an issue for the OP. If you read, the OP answered my question herself. The nurse told me that a test before that time is not accurate, not as a general rule. You also don’t know that conception happened straight away for the OP and are only making assumptions yourself.
Now back to your Mumsnet policing.

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe

I guess I'll be the sole voice in opining that his response seems positive to me. I hope you'll be very happy together however you decide to play it. I would potentially be under the radar for the first trimester, baby steps, then if all well around 20 weeks, let family, friends and DD know then after the second scan. That also gives you some time to get used to the idea yourself and see how things are going with potential bf/dh in the future/stepfather-to-be. I am a child of divorce - I was introduced to my half-brother/stepmother/dog very quickly in one fell swoop. Kids are more resilient than you think. I am not sure 'waiting for the right time' is as easy as all that - same as for baby planning, when is the right time? Also OP, having conceived myself without condom, I am not judging on that - been there, done that, got the baby. As I said before, wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide.

I agree tbh. Maybe he just went a bit overboard in reassuring OP that it would be alright.

Find it amusing the number of folks saying go for it, have your wee baby and your daughter can suck it up. As she always wanted a sibling therefore getting her involved in getting baby bits will sort out the other stuff that comes. New bloke she has never met, his DC as lets not forget he already has one. So not only are we getting a new bloke, new baby then throw into the mix his DC that is already here.

Yep its going to be one big happy holiday for all involved oh and then throw in the ex...Recipe for disaster.

I was in an abusive relationship similar sounding to yours and also rushed into a new relationship - it was too soon. I think you should look up co-dependency OP, as you are likely co-dependent. Your own mental health and DD mental health should be absolute priority.

@mynameisbrian

Find it amusing the number of folks saying go for it, have your wee baby and your daughter can suck it up. As she always wanted a sibling therefore getting her involved in getting baby bits will sort out the other stuff that comes. New bloke she has never met, his DC as lets not forget he already has one. So not only are we getting a new bloke, new baby then throw into the mix his DC that is already here.

Yep its going to be one big happy holiday for all involved oh and then throw in the ex...Recipe for disaster.

Exactly.

You and your daughter do not need a baby. Everybody feels broody at times, we are built that way, however we do not give in to it. Please be sensible while you are still at the very early stage.

Congratulations OP. I think that you and your DD need some time together when the baby comes along. Maybe later you can move in with your DP.

Was just thinking also, your ex H is still exerting control on you, and it's none of his business if you have another baby. Don't let him try and stop you.

How old is your daughter?

@mynameisbrian

Find it amusing the number of folks saying go for it, have your wee baby and your daughter can suck it up. As she always wanted a sibling therefore getting her involved in getting baby bits will sort out the other stuff that comes. New bloke she has never met, his DC as lets not forget he already has one. So not only are we getting a new bloke, new baby then throw into the mix his DC that is already here.

Yep its going to be one big happy holiday for all involved oh and then throw in the ex...Recipe for disaster.

Exactly. And one more generation of dysfunction as the poor vulnerable DD learns that everything else (including her) takes a back seat to the all-important task of snaring a man.

I would terminate. No question.

I find it amusing how many posters are so sure this will work out fine, but its not going to be them dealing with it.

Op could find herself with an upset dd, small child. The dads to both of them are controlling knobheads and she can't get away from either of them.

Its really easy to say its a blessing and will be amazing, when you won't be the one picking up the pieces if you are wrong.

I am more surprised that people think this is so rare and shocking?

Loads of children have half-brothers and sisters born in less than ideal circumstances but it's not the end of the world for them.

Don't get me wrong, I am not AT ALL suggesting that this would have been a good plan to make, BUT it's happened and it is what it is now.

OP clearly wants this baby, regardless of what goes on to happen with this man. She would certainly not be the only person to go ahead under these circumstances and it doesn't mean her daughter will be irreparably damaged as long as she handles it sensitively.

If I was in OP's shoes and felt the way she did, I would not end this pregnancy based purely on worrying it may upset my daughter. This decision can't be made solely on that.