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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to go outside with DP

372 replies

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:24

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 27/06/2021 20:07

OP, it's a slim chance but you might be able to find a temporary foster home for your cats. That could buy you some time whilst you're at your Mum's, until you can get settled again.

tara66 · 27/06/2021 20:11

Take care when you're at your mum's so that he cannot just storm into her house. Who knows how he will react when I finds out you have left - if in fact you have.

User27aw · 27/06/2021 20:22

@itsaccrualworld

I can't believe you're only 23 and 27 respectively. I read all your posts, and I assumed you were in your 40s and trying to hold onto a terrible 20-year marriage to a man in his 60s.

You're 23. Your world has so many possibilities. You can start again. Life does not need to be like this.

I thought you and he would be much older as well. He sounded like a bitter and twisted old man not a 27 year old. So glad you are making plans to leave. I dread to think how he would treat a toddler.
Colourmeclear · 27/06/2021 20:46

You've done all you can, it's time to leave.

noirchatsdeux · 27/06/2021 20:53

Please don't leave your cats there with him when you move out. He's exactly the type of man who would take his anger out on them.

If you contact Cats Protection they will be able to tell you where their nearest centre is.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 27/06/2021 20:57

Please get to your mum's. I bet she is so worried you

LadyJaye · 27/06/2021 20:57

I realise this is a drop in the ocean to what you're going through right now, OP, but with regard to your cats - Cats Protection (and other similar charities) can often help you arrange long-term foster care, until you get yourself sorted.

Fear of what will happen to pets is a frequent cause of preventing people from leaving abusive or dysfunctional relationships and there are many people who will help you.

category12 · 27/06/2021 21:38

www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/paws-protect

Other pets charities also do fostering for people in crisis. Refuge4pets and similar.

Also, maybe friends or family would take them on temporarily?

Alfiemoon1 · 27/06/2021 21:51

Op please take your mum up on her offer. If this was your best friend or daughter in years to come explaining how their partner behaves what would you advise them to do?
My dd 19 is in a similar situation her partner can’t even do the weekly shop without kicking off with someone he’s extremely insecure paranoid has a chip on his shoulder and thinks the world is against him when it’s his attitude that is the problem. It breaks my heart but she can’t see it as an issue you do and quite rightly so. Take up your mums offer for you and your baby and look at getting the cats temporary fostered. You need to leave and the older dc gets the harder it will be

WeatherwaxOn · 27/06/2021 22:05

He sounds awful and quite like someone I encountered last week who was doing something they shouldn't have (can't elaborate as it's currently under investigation). There was a simple solution which he could have taken but he chose to throw abuse at me and make threats.
Had I been male I doubt he'd have said anything.

FunMcCool · 27/06/2021 22:18

This is so sad. You have a supportive mum, leave and don’t look back.

Imasoulman · 27/06/2021 22:21

Sounds very much like PND,
maybe he needs help from his doctor.
I know it might not be easy convincing him.

ClawedButler · 27/06/2021 22:33

At this stage, who cares why he's behaving like this, whether it's an illness or he's been abducted by aliens. He's a danger. OP is removing herself and her baby from the danger, and I say bravo, lass. It will be tough, and you may doubt yourself and your decision, but just take one day at a time - one minute at a time if you have to.

Courage, mon brave.

Bloodypunkrockers · 27/06/2021 22:35

Please go to your mums

He doesn't sound good or ok. He sounds horrible

uneazy · 27/06/2021 22:39

You sound like a lovely person and a great mum. He sounds like the absolute worst kind of man. Fucking run & don't look back. You can do it ❤️

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 27/06/2021 23:20

He's purposely frightening children! Wtf! Protect your child and get away! My dad is a bully like this and it's so confusing and scary the grow up around.

AmberIsACertainty · 27/06/2021 23:25

Thank you for saying I'm a good mum, I don't feel like it. She's fed, cuddled constantly, I sing to her and read to her and she's a very happy little girl but I feel like a crap mum for letting her be around his shit attitude

Don't feel bad, your DD is only 8 weeks old and you're leaving him, so she won't be around his bad attitude for much longer. Whoever said about going to the council is probably right, they should house you with a baby and lots of council places let tenants have pets. You've been through a lot and when you see what adult life without an abusive person in it is like you'll breathe a sigh of relief. I did the same as you swapping a not great home life for a shitty relationship at a young age and honestly life having left that situation is amazing by comparison, even when its not going to plan.

Blossom4538 · 28/06/2021 00:15

So sorry you’re going through this.

He may be a complete and utter, aggressive arse!
Or, I wonder if he is on the Autism Spectrum…may be worth looking into. Some sensory issues over noise, anxiety, not liking being looked at, depression, not very sociable.
He sounds very anxious and depressed.

I hope you’re ok OP, you sound like a lovely person and amazing Mum

trunumber · 28/06/2021 00:27

He's not on the autistic spectrum, he's doesnt have PND! He is very deliberately choosing who he is verbally abusive to. The second he starts doing it to big burly men then we consider his mental health. As he isn't can we please focus on the OP and her child and stop making excuses for this man.

(OP, I really did mean what I said about you sounding like a wonderful mum, your love for your daughter shines out of every post you write about her- the two of you will be just fine without him, honestly you will)

LunaTheCat · 28/06/2021 00:46

@Bin85

I think you need to speak to his GP and then get him an appointment as I am wondering if there's a medical reason behind this ?
I suspect the GP will not have much luck ( and I have been that GP). He will say he’s fine. Nobody - including this poor OP - can help someone who doesn’t see there is an issue. OP please please go - this man won’t change he is an abussive controller. You and your baby are in physical danger - he will soon be physically violent. Please go.
DismantledKing · 28/06/2021 00:56

Sheesh, there’s some terrible advice on this thread.

It doesn’t matter if he’s depressed, anxious, autistic (?!), etc etc. What is important is that he’s a nasty piece of shit.
It’s not the OPs role to treat him, get him help, or support his horrible behaviour. It’s his responsibility to get his shit together, not hers.

It’s her role to keep her and her baby safe, and it sounds like she’s looking to do that.

DismantledKing · 28/06/2021 00:58

@Blossom4538

So sorry you’re going through this.

He may be a complete and utter, aggressive arse!
Or, I wonder if he is on the Autism Spectrum…may be worth looking into. Some sensory issues over noise, anxiety, not liking being looked at, depression, not very sociable.
He sounds very anxious and depressed.

I hope you’re ok OP, you sound like a lovely person and amazing Mum

It’s really not ‘worth looking into’. It’s not the OPs job to do that. It’s his responsibility, not hers.
me4real · 28/06/2021 01:03

I really hope you leave OP and look forward to hearing about you starting your new life.

He's AWFUL Flowers

thenewduchessofhastings · 28/06/2021 01:33

"He's an absolute arsehole to my HV. She's not great, she's given us some incorrect advice and is always late but she's very nice. We have a small flat with just one sofa so he usually goes into the kitchen or bedroom when she arrives but when she's late he will tell me before she arrives that she can just stand. Or he will sit and play the xbox right next to her and not say a word to her. He also tells me I'm "too nice" to her"

Unfortunately for him she'll be taking note of this behaviour and you and DD may have already been flagged as potentially at risk.

Dogvmarmot · 28/06/2021 01:44

@B1rthis Sounds like an over protective father with communication problems and/or trauma.

During your pregnancy and birth, was he denied access to appointments or refused entry unless he adhered to local policies? Was he able to have an active role in delivering your birth plan (ie, chasing to ensure you had treatment swiftly if necessary) If he is the type of personality to want to protect you and his child, strangers denying him the opportunity to do this could have been hugely traumatizing.

and you sound like an enabler of male violence against women and babies. Abusive and angry behavior towards the new mother and tiny baby is not 'protective' but a high risk factor for that baby suffering a brain injury or other catastrophic injuries in loss of temper.

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