Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

His parents are worried about him, and your mum is concerned about you.
You could say to his parents that he needs help and is refusing to carry on with counselling and that you can't stay with him any more for fear of how he will be with the baby (and you).
Then go move in with your mum now and not wait until early 2022. Why wait?
I'm sorry this has happened but it's not your fault and you have to protect your daughter now.

My exDH sometimes behaved like this. Not as often or as bad, but it was absolutely mortifying when he did. Things like telling waiting staff that he earned more than them, or that they had a terrible restaurant. It was also in relation to some perceived slight against him. He'd also sometimes take offence to something my dad said and start getting really quite verbally nasty, not outright abuse but really pushing back at why my dad had made a particular comment or asked a question.

I cannot TELL you how great the relief was when we'd separately, and I realised I never again had to apologise for him, or pretend his behaviour was ok, or stare at the floor in complete embarrassment while he went off on one. Or feel the anxiety that he might suddenly say something obnoxious. Honestly it was utterly liberating. No more having to make excuses for inexcusable behaviour. Think really hard about how that would feel for you. And I realise it's hard... be strong, and think of what atmosphere you want your lovely child to grow up in. xxx

At 23 your too young for this shit. If he’s not picking on adult lone males able to kick the shit out of him he’s selecting victims who won’t fight back.

He sounds awful!

I helped a lady who had a husband like this the other day?

He was saying he was going to headbutt her.

Wasn’t you was it?

It's usually women. When it's men it's when they are with children.

The above is the explanation for why his behaviour has recently got worse. "Awkward socialising" then "about 6 months ago" the behaviour escalated to verbal abuse in public. So, about the time you're pregnant and past the possible abortion stage then, when you're perceived by him as trapped, when you're more vulnerable because you've got a child who you naturally want to protect.

Sooner or later you will stop wanting to go anywhere with him. You won't want to go anywhere without him either, because that'll mean explaining why you don't want to go out with him and you can't do that because it'd trigger his anger towards you. You will stay home waiting on him hand an foot, apart from when you're at work or the supermarket possibly, never seeing anyone else socially and won't expect him to go out with you. Which is the result he's looking for. And he'll gaslight you, telling you you can't blame him for your isolation because it's your own 'choice'. Except it won't be really, because he'll have made the alternatives unbearable.

Please leave, both you and your daughter deserve better than this. You can protect her while she is a baby but growing up surrounded by this behaviour risks your daughter's happiness - how would a 7 year old cope with that behaviour?

You are worth so much more.

Everyone who 'can't understand why you had a baby with him' etc. etc. must be exceptionally slow on the uptake. This board has hundreds of similar threads where it is explained how abuse works in terms of an abusive partner's behaviour coming to light AFTER pregnancy and/or birth. Even if traits of it were present beforehand, we are likely to minimise and excuse them until they become to glaring to ignore, when we are in deep.

That's horrendous. You do not need to stand for this.

It's like he has such little confidence and so is angry at everyone else. He seems full of hatred and unhinged. Please move on from him.

Oh and if you don’t leave - I’m afraid your child will learn to be disrespectful to you, because that’s what will be modelled for them. My DC have learned this unfortunately and it’s taking a lot of work to try to put things right.

@Embarrassedandfedup, these assholes also have form for choosing events where they are not centre of attention eg your birthday breakfast to cause a fuss. My mother (and afterwards my husband) always used to find an excuse to throw a tantrum on these occasions to wreck it or bring the attention firmly back to themselves.

I do hope your lunch passed without incident.
Please put yourself and your baby first and foremost. It’s his responsibility to make himself better.
You are stronger than you know.

Life is short, go find a partner who will make you belly laugh, and who will be kind to you and others x

Ultimatum time - back on the ADs and give counselling a proper go (different counsellor if necessary) or that's it.

@VettiyaIruken

Women, kids and elderly men.

If he does it to massive muscly blokes I'll give you a million quid

He's a bully.

He's bullying strangers
He's bullying you
He'll bully your child. Without a shadow of a doubt.

I hope he does do it in front of your dad. Maybe that will be the push you need to leave this bully.

This 100%. He only abuses people He thinks won't fight back. Do you really want him as a role model for your dd on how females should be treated?

Hmm, if he only shouts at easy targets when you go out - no muscular single guys - then I'm going to say this behaviour is not linked to depression but to being an arsehole.

Sounds like you've swapped your dad for your dp, unfortunately, op.

It doesn't sound like he brings anything to your life. I'd leave him.

Sounds like an over protective father with communication problems and/or trauma.

During your pregnancy and birth, was he denied access to appointments or refused entry unless he adhered to local policies? Was he able to have an active role in delivering your birth plan (ie, chasing to ensure you had treatment swiftly if necessary) If he is the type of personality to want to protect you and his child, strangers denying him the opportunity to do this could have been hugely traumatizing.

@B1rthis You seem to be excusing this partner's awful conduct due to conditions surround births during Covid. This will not be the only baby born in Covid restrictions and if all the fathers are going to be allowed to behave like this one we are all in for a rough time of it.
We have all been affected by all the restrictions and lockdowns but some of us have retained good manners despite it all.

@B1rthis

Sounds like an over protective father with communication problems and/or trauma.

During your pregnancy and birth, was he denied access to appointments or refused entry unless he adhered to local policies? Was he able to have an active role in delivering your birth plan (ie, chasing to ensure you had treatment swiftly if necessary) If he is the type of personality to want to protect you and his child, strangers denying him the opportunity to do this could have been hugely traumatizing.

He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

Doesn't sound very over protective to me.

Sounds like a selfish prick though.

I think you need to speak to his GP and then get him an appointment as I am wondering if there's a medical reason behind this ?

@dane8

He’s depressed & as anxiety and now as stopped his antidepressant?

As this shouting started since he stopped them?
He could be the back lash if coming off them, everyone is different. If he came of quickly and not steadily then definitely.

I think he doesn’t know how to handle what’s going on in his head & his life.
Maybe needs to go back on antidepressants or a mood stabiliser, perhaps go back to the gp
I know you said he won’t go, but if you give him an ultimatum
You go to the gp and get sorted or I LEAVE

For the love of god, do NOT give an emotionally unstable, agressive & abusive man an ultimatum. Just quietly prepare to leave with the bare minimum, and get to your mum, because it will not get any better, and you will be at your most vulnerable when you leave. Don't give him any hint that you are planning to leave, but please, please, get out of this situation. Your mum knows, she understands, she has said she will take you in. You poor love, it's so awful when you have to face up to what your life has become - but it will get better, and you & DD will be safe and happy without him.

I know this isn't really important in the great scheme of things, but why would you need to rehome your cats OP?

Just like your DD, your cats are living beings that you love and want to keep with you, and they would be another stability in your life if your leave him.

You said your mum has offered you to go and stay with here - is that where the issue of the cats comes in? Please don't rehome them if you really don't need to. They will be an important emotional anchor for you (and also for you DD as she gets older).

Why is it the OPs job to "get him an appointment"?
She is not his support human!

Can you not get the tenancy changed to just you, and get him out?
He sounds vile.