Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

If I saw you in the street or in a restaurant I would be very worried for you and your DD. Most people moderate their behaviour in public. So I would be worried he is worse at home.
He needs so sorr of professional help. And saying he is ok with you at home. As people have stated he isn't being at all.
You need a plan. Whether it is you speak to him and give him a chance to change. And/or you leave if he continues. The midwife and health visitor are not going to be impressed if he is like that when they are visiting. And you know he is moderating his behaviour to those younger or more vulnerable than him if you know, that really, if a fit younger guy walked in front of the pram and he would say nothing. And he needs to quickly learn, it happens all the time and yes, some people find a pram or buggy a nuisance in a restaurant but that's just how it is.

So, reading through your posts @Embarrassedandfedup, I've gleaned the following.

1. "this [behavior] has only come about in the past 6 months"
2. You have a 8 week old baby
3. He behaves like this mainly to women, but will also be rude to old men, or men who are with their children

So what does this all tell me? It tells me his behaviour didn't start until you were 'trapped' by your pregnancy. It traps you into shared parenthood for the next 18 years with him. It's pretty well documented that a lot of abuse starts on marriage, on pregnancy, and on birth. Until that point, the abusive man will successfully wear a mask of normality. And then, they let it slip as a no-longer-needed effort .

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And he picks his victims carefully. Women and old men are no physical threat to him. A younger man could be, so he only picks on a man who is with his children. Vanishingly few men will respond to him, they will prioritise protecting their children from the shouty man in the street.

So when you say "I don't think he realises quite how rude he is being. It's like he has no filter. He doesn't realise when something he is saying could be perceived as rude." - I disagree. He absolutely has a filter - he uses it every time he doesn't pick on a man in a position to respond forcefully. He absolutely knows how rude he is being, but by picking his victims carefully, he gets to be like this with no consequences.

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And look at how he treats you.

"He has never shouted at me. He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it"

You and the baby are not safe with him. This 'new' rudeness - he just kept it under wraps before, but now he's trapped you, he can be himself - the real him. The man you thought he was - he's gone, and he's not coming back.

Does your tenancy have a break clause.
If not, talk to your landlord about terminating early.
Worst case, leave and stay with you mum and continue to pay your share of the rent

I haven't read the whole thread OP, just your comments, and I do really feel like you and your DD are in danger continuing to live with him. I don't say that lightly and I really don't want to frighten you, but you need to make plans to leave ASAP. His behaviour sounds like it's escalating.

I'm going to read through all the responses now and reply.

I've just got back from our meal out. We walked up to our table with the pram and a group of men at the table behind us looked over, thats all they did and he snapped " it's just a pram calm down" to them. When my dad left the table DP started telling me about the men behind and I told him to leave it and he said "I'm just trying to have a conversation with you, ill just shut up and not speak for the rest of the day shall I?".

Then when my Dad asked if I'd made any mum friends yet I said not yet and DP proceeded to rant that all mums in my city are stuck up bitches that give me dirty looks and when we are out, other women are disgusted by us and our pram (I mean thats obviously not true and I've no idea where he gets that from).

Even just now I asked if he could change DD as her nappy had leaked, he said why do I have to do it. I asked him how many nappies he had done today (1 in the past 24 hours btw) and he snapped "oh who gives a shit" I interrupted and told him not to speak to me like that. He said he was only asking rhetorically why he has to do it and I always ask him how many he's done that day rant rant rant.

I've messaged my DM asking if I can spend the day at hers tomorrow and will discuss and make plans with her tomorrow.

I'd rather not give him an ultimatum as he will just be nice for a while until I've forgotten what he's like then start again, I've read it on enough threads here.

I also don't have any wish to try and help him through things, I've been trying to help him with his mental health for a while, found charities and support groups for him that he doesn't contact, written his CV which he never u

Sorry I pressed send too soon. I've written his CV which he never used to apply for jobs with, I've applied for jobs FOR HIM which he never attended the interviews for, I've done all sorts and have had enough trying to fix him

I've messaged my DM asking if I can spend the day at hers tomorrow and will discuss and make plans with her tomorrow.

I'd rather not give him an ultimatum as he will just be nice for a while until I've forgotten what he's like then start again, I've read it on enough threads here.

Good for you OP, what a relief you can see you need to leave him.

He is abusive to you, verbally and emotionally. I'm pleased this thread has helped you see that

I think you've done all you can, op and you're doing the right thing in making plans to leave.

I've messaged my DM asking if I can spend the day at hers tomorrow and will discuss and make plans with her tomorrow.

Good. It's not your job to fix him. You have one child that you truly are responsible for. You don't need to feel responsible for him.

I agree that ultimatums don't work. They work for a short bit. The behaviour changes temporarily. Not permanently.

@YippeeKiYay155

OP. Does he speak like this to men as well or is it just women?

My first thought, does seem to be waitresses, mothers with kids, young girls, mostly.

@FlowerArranger

Does your tenancy have a break clause. If not, talk to your landlord about terminating early. Worst case, leave and stay with you mum and continue to pay your share of the rent

No actually we just renewed it 2 months ago for another year but I wouldn't want him to end up homeless so I would be happy to keep paying my half of the rent until the tenancy is up. Just worried I would be liable for any damage done to the flat when I'm not there or if he stops paying

Oh your update is BRILLIANT! You sound like you have your head screwed on properly now.

One thought - do you have some time with him out of the house tomorrow (or tonight) to get hold of important documents, photocopy, take pics on your phone etc? I'd also take extensive photos and videos of the state of the house (Walls, floors etc, not tidiness!) with the date on it (newspaper? Corner of a laptop or mobile phone screen?) to help if there is any dispute about the way the house was left.

@WhereYouLeftIt

So, reading through your posts *@Embarrassedandfedup*, I've gleaned the following.

1. "this [behavior] has only come about in the past 6 months"
2. You have a 8 week old baby
3. He behaves like this mainly to women, but will also be rude to old men, or men who are with their children

So what does this all tell me? It tells me his behaviour didn't start until you were 'trapped' by your pregnancy. It traps you into shared parenthood for the next 18 years with him. It's pretty well documented that a lot of abuse starts on marriage, on pregnancy, and on birth. Until that point, the abusive man will successfully wear a mask of normality. And then, they let it slip as a no-longer-needed effort .

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And he picks his victims carefully. Women and old men are no physical threat to him. A younger man could be, so he only picks on a man who is with his children. Vanishingly few men will respond to him, they will prioritise protecting their children from the shouty man in the street.

So when you say "I don't think he realises quite how rude he is being. It's like he has no filter. He doesn't realise when something he is saying could be perceived as rude." - I disagree. He absolutely has a filter - he uses it every time he doesn't pick on a man in a position to respond forcefully. He absolutely knows how rude he is being, but by picking his victims carefully, he gets to be like this with no consequences.

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And look at how he treats you.

"He has never shouted at me. He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it"

You and the baby are not safe with him. This 'new' rudeness - he just kept it under wraps before, but now he's trapped you, he can be himself - the real him. The man you thought he was - he's gone, and he's not coming back.

This makes me really sad to read but you are completely right, he is not the person I thought he was and he's not going to go back to that either.

No actually we just renewed it 2 months ago for another year but I wouldn't want him to end up homeless so I would be happy to keep paying my half of the rent until the tenancy is up. Just worried I would be liable for any damage done to the flat when I'm not there or if he stops paying

Yeah about that... Don't make any commitments to things like paying half the rent for another year etc just yet. Keep your head screwed on.

@PurpleMustang

If I saw you in the street or in a restaurant I would be very worried for you and your DD. Most people moderate their behaviour in public. So I would be worried he is worse at home. He needs so sorr of professional help. And saying he is ok with you at home. As people have stated he isn't being at all. You need a plan. Whether it is you speak to him and give him a chance to change. And/or you leave if he continues. The midwife and health visitor are not going to be impressed if he is like that when they are visiting. And you know he is moderating his behaviour to those younger or more vulnerable than him if you know, that really, if a fit younger guy walked in front of the pram and he would say nothing. And he needs to quickly learn, it happens all the time and yes, some people find a pram or buggy a nuisance in a restaurant but that's just how it is.

He's an absolute arsehole to my HV. She's not great, she's given us some incorrect advice and is always late but she's very nice. We have a small flat with just one sofa so he usually goes into the kitchen or bedroom when she arrives but when she's late he will tell me before she arrives that she can just stand. Or he will sit and play the xbox right next to her and not say a word to her. He also tells me I'm "too nice" to her.

I'd be packing and off to my mum's tonight and not spend another minute with this arsehole.

Good luck op. Be strong!

And I agree with pp. You don't owe him anything to pay half the rent. Just think what that money could do for your baby.

Don't prioritise him, he certainly wouldn't if the tables were turned!

@IAmAWomanNotACis

Oh your update is BRILLIANT! You sound like you have your head screwed on properly now.

One thought - do you have some time with him out of the house tomorrow (or tonight) to get hold of important documents, photocopy, take pics on your phone etc? I'd also take extensive photos and videos of the state of the house (Walls, floors etc, not tidiness!) with the date on it (newspaper? Corner of a laptop or mobile phone screen?) to help if there is any dispute about the way the house was left.

I have all the documents in a folder anyway, I do all the admin and organising of bills etc and everything is in my name so no issues there.

He doesn't leave the house unless it's with me so I don't get any time away from him unless for appointments or seeing my mum.

Will take extensive photos tomorrow and just say it is for an inspection as our lettings agents are doing inspections via us taking and sending photos so nothing suspicious there

@SpringCrocus

Can you not get the tenancy changed to just you, and get him out? He sounds vile.

We had a row when I was pregnant after he spoke to me like crap and I told him to leave in the morning and he scoffed and said he wouldn't be going anywhere so I don't feel confident to get him out.

I'd much rather leave anyway as I hate where we live

OP,
Bring and paperwork that you need to your mothers tomorrow.

He is a dangerous man.

Make no commitment to pay for the flat.

This is a domestic abuse issue an you need to get away and protect your child.

I would be terrified of him hurting your child.

I think when you go to your mums you should call Woman's aid and perhaps 101 for help to get your belongings from the flat.

He is a dangerous, unstable man.
Stay safe.

@ItWasAgathaAllAlong

I know this isn't really important in the great scheme of things, but why would you need to rehome your cats OP?

Just like your DD, your cats are living beings that you love and want to keep with you, and they would be another stability in your life if your leave him.

You said your mum has offered you to go and stay with here - is that where the issue of the cats comes in? Please don't rehome them if you really don't need to. They will be an important emotional anchor for you (and also for you DD as she gets older).

I really don't want to but my DM already has a cat and I have 3 and she doesn't want me to bring them as they might upset her cat.

I've had one since he was 16 weeks old, one since he was 2 and rehomed one at 10 and she's unwell and on daily medication. I love them so much and I couldn't leave them with DP as he snaps at them when they are too noisy or if they scratch the litter tray too much etc (this thread keeps getting worse I know).

When I speak to my mum hopefully she will change her mind about allowing them to come too

@CheesyWeez

His parents are worried about him, and your mum is concerned about you. You could say to his parents that he needs help and is refusing to carry on with counselling and that you can't stay with him any more for fear of how he will be with the baby (and you). Then go move in with your mum now and not wait until early 2022. Why wait? I'm sorry this has happened but it's not your fault and you have to protect your daughter now.

I think his parents know i won't be sticking around. I have a list on my phone of all the nasty things he's said and done (just so I don't forget) which I sent his mum. She told me he needs to pull himself together as he is at risk of losing me and DD so she gets it. But when they tried to speak to him he refused to answer their calls.

Looks like he has Paranoid personality disorder, if he doesn't look for help it will be very hard for you and the kids

@Nocutenamesleft

I helped a lady who had a husband like this the other day?

He was saying he was going to headbutt her.

Wasn’t you was it?

No that wasn't me, we aren't married and my headbutting comment was about our baby who headbutts when she is hungry