Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

@pinkmagnolias

The other week it was an old man who accidentally bumped into him and he shouted at him then said " not long now old man"

I have to admit I found this funny, this and the shouting down the street is like something from the One Foot In The Grave sitcom. The only reason OFITG was so popular was because Victor Meldrew said things nobody else would.

Your partner sounds angry and stressed and very unlikeable.

Has he been to his GP? It sounds like he needs help and possibly medication.
The tension in your house must be unbearable.
Can you move into your Dad’s house?

You find it funny that he shouted at an elderly man? How utterly bizarre and frankly awful.

@everythingbackbutyou

Everyone who 'can't understand why you had a baby with him' etc. etc. must be exceptionally slow on the uptake. This board has hundreds of similar threads where it is explained how abuse works in terms of an abusive partner's behaviour coming to light AFTER pregnancy and/or birth. Even if traits of it were present beforehand, we are likely to minimise and excuse them until they become to glaring to ignore, when we are in deep.

Thank you for understanding. I can't tell you how awful I feel for bringing an innocent baby into this, she's so precious and I don't want her around this. The bonkers behaviour in public only started when I was pregnant though.

@CarnationCat

That's horrendous. You do not need to stand for this.

It's like he has such little confidence and so is angry at everyone else. He seems full of hatred and unhinged. Please move on from him.

Yes this is exactly it. He doesn't have any confidence, he has gained a lot of weight very quickly and he is a very unhappy man and so full of anger and hatred constantly. He's told me before he has never felt happiness before.

@User135644

Sounds like he's suffering from some form of psychosis (if it's relatively recent thing). He needs urgent professional help.

I wouldn't think it is psychosis (although he may well be depressed) because he manages to not shout at men his own age without children with them.

No , it's not ok to swear because the baby is crying or tell you to shut up.
Don't let her grow up being scared , imagine what he'll be like with her teachers etc.
He's a nasty bully , will your Dad pull him up on it ?

I'm sending this response with love and concern, and I really do hope you're ok and have the strength to leave, but when I say this I really do mean it:

Do not leave your baby unsupervised with this man. This is how babies get hurt and end up with catastrophic life long brain injuries. Do not leave him alone with your child.

Men life this can not cope with crying babies.

Look up 'the icon project' if you'd like to read more about it.

@B1rthis

Sounds like an over protective father with communication problems and/or trauma.

During your pregnancy and birth, was he denied access to appointments or refused entry unless he adhered to local policies? Was he able to have an active role in delivering your birth plan (ie, chasing to ensure you had treatment swiftly if necessary) If he is the type of personality to want to protect you and his child, strangers denying him the opportunity to do this could have been hugely traumatizing.

He's very protective of her, he didn't want his parents to tell anyone apart from people he'd "OK'd" to find out about her, didn't want them sharing pictures of her with any of their friends, told them they couldn't tell their friends. Gets very stressed out if there's potentially something wrong with her. Lots of health anxiety about her.

He was allowed to the scans but I had a few issues in my pregnancy and was admitted to hospital several times with infections and he wasn't allowed to visit. I think the birth was very traumatic for him too but this behaviour was long before the birth.

I was shouted at like this once by a stranger. I was mid 30s, on public transport and happened to just catch this mans eye, I gave me a kind of polite half smile and he yelled at me 'what the fuck are you looking at' I was horrified, he shouted the same again and I kind of mumbled an apology but the whole tube went silent, I was really scared and really embarrassed. I got off at the next stop and burst into tears. It really put me off going in the tube and had quite a bit affect on me.

Your dp is an abusive bully. He doesn't realise (or maybe he does), just how upsetting and what an affect he can have on people when he talks to them like that. I'd not want to spend time in private with him, let alone in public. I often think the bloke that shouted at me wouldn't have done it to a man, probably thought he'd vent at me as I'm 5'3" and small. I wish I'd have had the balls to call him out on it

@Embarrassedandfedup

I see you are renting through estate agents, but do you know who the landlord is? I would urge you to talk to your landlord, rather than just move out. Even if you take lots of photos, you'd still be liable for any damage caused by your boyfriend. Most landlords, given your situation, would rather terminate the tenancy early than be lumbered with a deadbeat man whose partner has moved out.

As far as your kitties are concerned: get in touch with your local cat rehoming/fostering charities. Everyone who, like me, volunteers with these organisations loves cats, and there is a good chance that you'll find a temporary or long term foster. And even if you end up having to let them go, you can be confident that good homes will be found for them.

Contact cat charity, some have foster homes for cats so could maybe take them instantly, and perhaps temporarily, especially as it doesn't sound like you paying for the cats upkeep is an issue, to give you a chance to find a new home somewhere that allows cats. If you can't then you could ask the charity to re-home them for you.

Do ask your landlord about your name coming off the tenancy agreement, many are very helpful in cases of domestic abuse. It's in landlords favour too, because if he's violent he could damage the property, which they don't want that because deposit probably won't be enough to cover damage if it's extensive, so they could use this as an opportunity to evict him if they don't want him as a tenant. Or if they decide to keep him as sole tenant they know he's less likely to damage the place because it'll come back on him, he won't be able to blame you if you're officially gone.

Don't forget to take meter readings if possible before you go and inform utilities that you've moved out. If you can't take meter readings, explain the situation to them and ask for someone to go read the meter ASAP before he runs up a bill. Remember to inform council tax you've left too. And if you have a joint account at the bank, close it and get your wages and child benefit redirected into your own account.

He's very protective of her, he didn't want his parents to tell anyone apart from people he'd "OK'd" to find out about her, didn't want them sharing pictures of her with any of their friends, told them they couldn't tell their friends.

Nope, that's not protective, that's controlling.

Protective would mean picking her up when she's crying instead of leaving the room / sighing / swearing.

Protective would mean changing her nappy without being begged to so she isn't left sore and uncomfortable.

Protective would be focusing on a healthy, happy family unit instead of treating her like an inconvenience and speaking to her mum as if he owns her.

Can you see the difference? It's really important you don't but into the narrative he may spin if he feels he's losing control - that he's 'only like this' because he 'loves you both so much' which is absolute BULLSHIT.

He's a bully who punches down. Which means he's a coward too.

You can't stay with him - it sounds like you know that now but I just wanted to pre-empt one of the narratives he may try to spin.

Bigbaggyeyes so sorry that happened to you, I am inclined to shout back but as I've got older I've realised you do not know whether his kind of nut job has a knife or whatever.

I would just say OP this this kind of abuse stays with people, and that old man may be scared to go out again, it may have had a really terrible effect on him. I know you know but your partner is really horrible.

@badatcrochet1996

I'm sending this response with love and concern, and I really do hope you're ok and have the strength to leave, but when I say this I really do mean it:

Do not leave your baby unsupervised with this man. This is how babies get hurt and end up with catastrophic life long brain injuries. Do not leave him alone with your child.

Men life this can not cope with crying babies.

Look up 'the icon project' if you'd like to read more about it.

He doesn't cope with her crying and she is never alone with him, I make sure of it. She is on me 24/7, we co-sleep and she is on my side of the bed plus next2me crib if I need the toilet or shower she will be in the bouncer in the bathroom with me or I ask him to hold her outside the bathroom door.

She really gets worked up when away from me so I don't like her to be alone with him when she's like that as he won't comfort her all the time, sometimes he just stands there in silence or shouts "oh my god". Most of the time he comforts her but those few times that hasn't happened have put me off him having her alone

Can we please stop trying to diagnose this man. It's perfectly possible to be an angry arsehole without having mental health problems

He's aggressing against the vulnerable, not someone who might hit him. He knows what he is doing.

OP, you really do sound like a wonderful mum. Try to leave as soon as possible, you and your daughter deserve better

There are so many seriously violent people in this world, that initial verbal aggression can be very threatening. If someone can go from 0-60 verbally in a matter of moments, then there's always the chance they'll become physical soon after that. There really is no need for men to behave this way, for that matter no need for anybody to behave that way.

And when children are present, it's even worse.

There's nothing manly about it. Nothing impressive about it. You can pretty easily register disdain in a calm and assertive way (when it's called for). You can make a complaint in a decent, calm collected way.

'What are you looking it?' is classic testosterone filled aggression from a man who has no control of himself. As such, he's a danger.

@trunumber

Can we please stop trying to diagnose this man. It's perfectly possible to be an angry arsehole without having mental health problems

He's aggressing against the vulnerable, not someone who might hit him. He knows what he is doing.

OP, you really do sound like a wonderful mum. Try to leave as soon as possible, you and your daughter deserve better

Thank you.

It could be mental health problems, it could just be that he's an angry arse. Or he's an angry arse because of his mental health problems. Who knows but DD is my priority now, not trying to fix him.

He was really bullied at school and it still has an effect on him now but what he is doing now is bullying too. And he knows what he is doing.

I will tell him to stop speaking to me like shit, I'm the mother of his child and he should have some respect and he'll be really glum and apologetic and say he doesn't know what came over him or he shouldn't speak to me like that and he won't do it again but then he does it again the next day.

Thank you for saying I'm a good mum, I don't feel like it. She's fed, cuddled constantly, I sing to her and read to her and she's a very happy little girl but I feel like a crap mum for letting her be around his shit attitude

@WhereYouLeftIt

So, reading through your posts *@Embarrassedandfedup*, I've gleaned the following.

1. "this [behavior] has only come about in the past 6 months"
2. You have a 8 week old baby
3. He behaves like this mainly to women, but will also be rude to old men, or men who are with their children

So what does this all tell me? It tells me his behaviour didn't start until you were 'trapped' by your pregnancy. It traps you into shared parenthood for the next 18 years with him. It's pretty well documented that a lot of abuse starts on marriage, on pregnancy, and on birth. Until that point, the abusive man will successfully wear a mask of normality. And then, they let it slip as a no-longer-needed effort .

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And he picks his victims carefully. Women and old men are no physical threat to him. A younger man could be, so he only picks on a man who is with his children. Vanishingly few men will respond to him, they will prioritise protecting their children from the shouty man in the street.

So when you say "I don't think he realises quite how rude he is being. It's like he has no filter. He doesn't realise when something he is saying could be perceived as rude." - I disagree. He absolutely has a filter - he uses it every time he doesn't pick on a man in a position to respond forcefully. He absolutely knows how rude he is being, but by picking his victims carefully, he gets to be like this with no consequences.

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS DOING.

And look at how he treats you.

"He has never shouted at me. He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it"

You and the baby are not safe with him. This 'new' rudeness - he just kept it under wraps before, but now he's trapped you, he can be himself - the real him. The man you thought he was - he's gone, and he's not coming back.

This completely. If this was genuinely a mental health issue/breakdown he would target anyone and everyone. The fact is that it is people who can't/won't stick up to him. Bet he is never rude to anyone who could defend themselves.

You sound lovely and genuinely worn down by it all please don't put up with it for any longer if not for yourself then for DD.

@wewereliars

Bigbaggyeyes so sorry that happened to you, I am inclined to shout back but as I've got older I've realised you do not know whether his kind of nut job has a knife or whatever.

I would just say OP this this kind of abuse stays with people, and that old man may be scared to go out again, it may have had a really terrible effect on him. I know you know but your partner is really horrible.

You're right. I just keep thinking of that young girls face in the cafe and how scared/uncomfortable she looked when we sat near her and her and her mum kept glancing over at us. He probably completely ruined that girls day.

I'm quite anxious anyway and if someone was like that to me in public id probably avoid going out for a while

@AcrossthePond55

I've messaged my DM asking if I can spend the day at hers tomorrow and will discuss and make plans with her tomorrow.

Good. It's not your job to fix him. You have one child that you truly are responsible for. You don't need to feel responsible for him.

You're right. I think having DD has made me stop trying to patent him and made me less tolerant of his crap

@bigbaggyeyes

I was shouted at like this once by a stranger. I was mid 30s, on public transport and happened to just catch this mans eye, I gave me a kind of polite half smile and he yelled at me 'what the fuck are you looking at' I was horrified, he shouted the same again and I kind of mumbled an apology but the whole tube went silent, I was really scared and really embarrassed. I got off at the next stop and burst into tears. It really put me off going in the tube and had quite a bit affect on me.

Your dp is an abusive bully. He doesn't realise (or maybe he does), just how upsetting and what an affect he can have on people when he talks to them like that. I'd not want to spend time in private with him, let alone in public. I often think the bloke that shouted at me wouldn't have done it to a man, probably thought he'd vent at me as I'm 5'3" and small. I wish I'd have had the balls to call him out on it

I'm really sorry that happened to you :(

This "man" needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge. Frankly, I'm shocked he hasn't been hauled away in an ambulance or the back of a police car! I'm not condoning violence but if he pulled shit like that here in my country he'd get a beat down by a victim's family member or a witness to his aggressive tirades.

When you leave get some advice on leaving a tenancy when you are leaving because of abuse. His behaviour is abusive and you and the baby need to be in a safer place. Good luck.

I know its not ideal but could you crate your cats in the short term in your room at your mums whilst you sort stuff out ?....you maybe best going direct to the council and saying you are having to leave due abuse.. .as that's what this is...its really positive you've picked up on this so early cos your DD, just shows you can recognise a situation is not right ...especially with your dad being similar....have faith in yourself...

Good luck OP, you sound like you're a great mum

I can't believe you're only 23 and 27 respectively. I read all your posts, and I assumed you were in your 40s and trying to hold onto a terrible 20-year marriage to a man in his 60s.

You're 23. Your world has so many possibilities. You can start again. Life does not need to be like this.